Grandma's Christmas Secret

Be that as it might, love was not on Lindy's mind when she arrived in New England in time for the dazzling foliage and the chilly winds of autumn. She got along well enough with the other members of her quad, of whom one had a steady at Princeton and another had one in the navy. But she quickly got tired of questions about her own romantic situation and put up a picture of Cap on her desk so the others would leave her alone.

Naturally they all had questions about him, which Lindy answered as truthfully as she could. "I don't know where we stand just now," she admitted one night when they were all gossiping over a contraband bottle of wine -- her first ever alcohol. "We might see each other at Christmas."

"Might?" asked Linda, the one with the boyfriend at Princeton. "When Wally and I are going to be home at the same time, we know it months in advance."

"Well, he was my first steady," Lindy said.

"Was?" asked Abby, the only officially single quadmate, who didn't appear to be looking anywhere.

Lindy opened her mouth to correct herself, then remembered how hard she'd come down on Cap for lying. "Yeah, was," she said. "When Cap went off to Chicago, we were sort of...unsure where things stood. I don't even know why I brought that picture out here." Surprisingly, that lie didn't trouble her -- perhaps because she really, really wanted it to be true.

"Could it be because you still have feelings for him?" asked Linda.

"Yeah," Lindy admitted. "I think maybe it could."

There were mixers and dances, but Lindy paid them no mind during her first semester. The first girl in her family to go to college and having had to convince her father that it was worth getting an education, she was determined to get off to a good start. Very quickly her quadmates learned not to ask if she'd be joining the next social gathering. They also didn't ask any more questions about Cap, but she kept the picture of him on her desk all through the semester, gazing at it occasionally when her mind wandered.

The New England winter -- Lindy's first -- came cold and harsh, and when the semester ended she welcomed the eighteen hour train ride to what at least might be slightly greener pastures back home. Curled up in her coach class seat for hours at a time, she did her best to read one or another of the paperbacks she'd brought along in her backpack. She did her best, but sooner or later she would find herself halfway through a page without having actually read any of it. She was wondering about Cap.

The train had no decorations, but the other passengers provided a festive atmosphere, with wrapped presents on the luggage rack and season's greetings among strangers. An older couple took the seats opposite her in Pittsburgh and chatted her up for hours with tales of their grandchildren. Lindy welcomed it all and dodged any and all questions about whom she was going to see other than her parents. "Just as well if it is just them," said the older woman when they were halfway across Ohio. "You're too young to be tied down."

Lindy agreed. But with Cap, she had never once felt tied down.

The town square was awash in the same green and red decorations Lindy had always known and loved when she finally stepped down from the train. The Christmas tree in the center of the square was adorned not only with homemade ornaments from the kids at the elementary school (Lindy remembered spotting her own near the star on top in fourth grade), but for just the second or third year there were electric lights. It was a wonderful bulwark against the slate grey sky that wasn't really any different than what she had left behind. Lindy drank in the cheerful colors, happy to be home and straining not to think about who else might or not be home.

Mother and Father doted over her all afternoon, even treating her to an early dinner at her favorite restaurant. "I know what a day and a half of railway food is like," Father said. "You've earned this."

"The church is having a sleigh ride tonight if you're interested," Mother added.

"I am if I can stay awake that long!" Lindy was feeling strung out from the long trip.

Mother and Father laughed, and didn't try to prod her.

It was past the early winter sundown when they got home. As soon as they were inside, Mother said, "Oh, Lindy, I forgot. That cad Jimmy called twice this week asking after you. I've left his number there on the telephone table in case you'd forgotten it. But you know, you don't have to call him back."

"Thanks," Lindy said, picking up the paper with the number scrawled on it. "Is he the only one who's called?"

"Ruth called once as well," Mother said. "But at least she listened when I said you wouldn't be home until today."

"Oh, okay," Lindy said. She caught Mother and Father looking at one another, and was certain they were thinking of Cap just as she was. But neither of them said anything, and Lindy decided if they knew anything about him, she didn't want to know for now. "I guess I'll go get cleaned up," she said, picking up he suitcase.

Alone in her room, she looked at Jimmy's phone number and remembered his offer. What was the harm now? And there had been something in that look her parents had exchanged -- had Cap been drafted? Was he engaged? Regardless, it was high time she let go of all that.

With that settled, she undressed for her bath, but took a detour to her bed and did her best to imagine Jimmy instead of Cap. When that got her nowhere, she let herself imagine Cap again and came twice with ease. That left her devoid of holiday cheer, but Lindy told herself it was just that she was exhausted from the long trip.

In the morning, Lindy waited for her mother to be off with the neighborhood coffee klatsch, and called Jimmy.

"I was worried that train'd never get here!" he declared with the confidence of one who never doubted she would return his calls. "So how was college, doll?"

"Very, very busy," Lindy said. "I'm glad to have a break."

"So what can I get you for Christmas?"

"Just what you offered me last summer," Lindy said, doing her best to sound saucy.

"Oh, doll, don't yank my chain on this. Tell me you're not joking!"

"I'm not. You're right, I want to learn something before I go any further out in the world."

"Well then! How about you come over my place for lunch? My folks are off at some office party for the day and I'm all by my lonesome over here with some stupid English homework."

So Lindy put on jeans and a college sweatshirt and her snowboots, and trudged through the well-decorated streets with their snowmen and colored lights, mostly turned off in the daylight, but visible everywhere, waving at neighbors who hadn't known she was home for the holidays, to Jimmy's. She'd barely gotten her finger off the doorbell when he threw the front door open wide. "There you are, doll!" he said, and she welcomed his hug. "So glad you could make it!"

"Good to see you too," she said, and almost meant it. "Looks like someone's got the Christmas spirit." The whole living room was awash in garlands and baubles, and the Christmas tree in the corner was piled high with presents. Lindy guessed his parents didn't hold a grudge against him for flunking last year.

"My mom always goes a little crazy this time of year, you remember that," Jimmy said.

"Yeah, now that you mention it," Lindy said as she pulled her boots off. "God, that seems a long time ago."

"Not to me, doll," Jimmy said. "I was hoping any day now we'd be right where we're at now, and instead you ditched me for that wimp and made me wait a year."

"Please don't talk about Cap like that." Lindy stood up, trying to summon the butterflies all over her insides that she recalled from last spring when she'd decided to say yes to Cap, but it was no use.

"Aw, what do you expect me to think about a college man who still hangs out at Teddy's like the little boy he still is?" Jimmy also got back to his feet. "Come on, you remember where my room is."

She did remember, and it hadn't changed. It was the same pigsty she remembered. Jimmy turned on his record player in the corner -- she remembered that too -- and put on the Loving You soundtrack. "My mom bought me this as a reward when I got all A's and B's last quarter," he said. "You still dig Elvis?"

"Of course I do, and congratulations." Lindy stood just inside the closed door and looked out the window at the wintry landscape, waiting to take his lead. "I've been meaning to buy some record albums too. I got a job at the college library and I can finally afford some, but I haven't got a record player yet." She looked around the messy room -- at least it wasn't the backseat of a '46 Chevy, but it still wasn't the kind of place she'd ever imagined for her first time. "Shall we clean up a bit?"

"No need," Jimmy said. "Get on the bed."

Perhaps it was just as well to have one more thing that would keep her from rediscovering any of her old feelings for Jimmy. Lindy stepped around the dirty clothes and comic books to the twin bed, where a year and change before she had let him feel her up but had insisted they keep all their clothes on. She was tempted to unsnap her jeans now and get the show on the road, but decided to let Jimmy have his way.

Jimmy lost no time in taking off his own jeans. "Help me off with my shirt?" he asked when he got to the bed in his flannel shirt, underwear and socks.

"Gladly!" As soon as he was settled beside her, Lindy took him in her arms and kissed him passionately; she would get rid of his shirt, but that could wait for the moment. She welcomed the sensation of him getting hard against her leg, and reached down with one hand to rub the bulge.

"Oh, yeah, more of that!" Jimmy pulled up Lindy's shirt and t-shirt in both hands, and she disentangled her arms from him to let him pull them off. "Nice bra," he said, tossing her sweatshirt on the floor on his side of the bed.

"It's my least favorite one," she confessed. "But it was clean this morning."

"Then I'll be more than happy to help you off with it."

Lindy laughed and set about unbuttoning his shirt as promised, while he reached around her back and unclasped her bra. She was not surprised at how effortlessly he got it undone; everyone knew Jimmy was experienced. She was, though, surprised that he didn't pause to admire her breasts once they were bare. Instead he set right in on pawing them, a bit too harshly as always, but Lindy smiled through the mild discomfort. She almost didn't want it to be a pleasant experience; that meant the next time around couldn't help but be better.

Nevertheless, she was gentler than he was as she rubbed his bare chest once she had his shirt off. "Nice," was all he had to say about it. Then he drew her in for another kiss, which at least was truly pleasurable. She felt a delicious stab of guilty pleasure as she felt him reach between them to unzip and unsnap her jeans. Welcoming his hand on her panties, she thrust her hips enthusiastically against it.

"Get these off me!" she whispered with a playful grin.

"Yes ma'am!" Jimmy slid off the bed and grabbed at the waistbands of both her jeans and her panties, and pulled them off. Feeling liberated, Lindy closed her eyes and awaited his touch on her legs and between them.

When that touch didn't come, she opened her eyes. Jimmy was standing over the foot of the bed, looking uneasy. He'd taken his underwear off, which brought the unwelcome view that his erection was gone. "Jimmy?" Lindy propped herself up on her elbows. "What's wrong?"

"What the hell is that, Lindy?" He was pointing at her bush.

"It's my ti...I mean my vagina. All women have one, Jimmy, you know that."

"You're hairier than a man, Lindy. You're a freak. That's disgusting. I ain't fuckin' that."

"Jimmy!" Tears came to Lindy's eyes. "Everyone's body is a little different! It's natural!"

"Polio is natural, too, Lindy. Get your clothes back on."

Lindy took a deep breath. He wasn't worth crying over, and hadn't she just wanted a meaningless fling anyway? But deep down, ever since that long ago day in the locker room when she'd realized she was unusual, this had always been her deepest fear. The tears came before she could get her pants back on, and she had to wipe them away as she got dressed. Her humiliation was only slightly alleviated when she noticed Jimmy had left the room.

She wasn't quite alone, though. Over in the corner, Elvis was still crooning. You know that I'll always be loving you, just you...

As Lindy fastened her bra, she remembered what Jimmy had said about Cap -- hanging around Teddy's. A glance at her watch confirmed that Teddy's had probably just opened if her memory served. She hurried on the rest of her clothes and ran downstairs, hoping Jimmy would stay out of sight.

He was in the living room, and she had to submit to the indignity of his disapproving gaze upon her as she put her snowboots back on. "I'm sorry, Lindy," he said. "But you know, if you'd told me, I could've told you you ought to shave down there."

"Would you ever do that, Jimmy?" She didn't look up at him as she asked.

"No, but I'm a guy, Lindy!"

"And I'm a woman. Being hairy doesn't change that." She got up and grabbed her coat, and ran outside without putting it on; that could wait until she was out of Jimmy's house and his life.

It never failed. Every year, the constant tidings of joy and love and goodwill had come to feel oppressive when Lindy was reminded that her life was no storybook. But of all the ways for that to happen this year...the tears stung with the cold, but she didn't try to stop them. It was no use. She did her best to ignore all the bright colors and decorations, but the best she could do was accept that Jimmy's words wouldn't have been any less hurtful at any other time of year.

Thankfully, Mother was still out with her friends when Lindy got home. She took her boots off and ran straight upstairs to the bathroom, where she undressed and shaved her legs -- and only her legs -- and took a long shower. When she was done, she dried her hair and wrapped herself in her towel and returned to her room.

Safe in her own space with the door shut and the curtains drawn, Lindy pulled the towel off and looked at herself in the mirror. Not disgusting. Natural. Beautiful. And she didn't even like Jimmy in the first place, did she? She repeated the mantra until she finally started to believe it again, and then set about getting dressed.

She chose a plaid dress that she recalled Cap saying he loved at least once, and black tights against the winter chill. Her hair was still damp when she'd finished, and while cooling her heels it occurred to her to check in her purse. They were still there. Lindy vowed she wouldn't push Cap if he still didn't want to do it, but she hoped against hope that he would. That in turn got her tempted to play, but she wanted to remain hungry for the time being.

Just as she was about to give in to temptation, Lindy heard the back door open downstairs. She slipped her shoes on and went downstairs.

Mother was putting her coat away in the front closet. "Lindy? You're awfully dressed up for a day at home, aren't you?"

"Can I borrow the car, Mother?"

"What for?"

"I heard Cap is at Teddy's. I want to surprise him there!"

"I can't imagine a more worthy goal, dear," Mother said. She got her purse from the telephone table and pulled the car keys out.

The lunch rush was just ending, and Lindy exchanged hellos with a number of old friends in the parking lot. The busboys were busy cleaning up the tables abutting the dancefloor, which was just starting to attract kids on Christmas break from high school. Here as everywhere, the place was dripping with Christmas cheer, nearly as much as Jimmy's living room had been.

For the first time since leaving his house, Lindy felt a twinge of the Christmas spirit. She and Ruth and their other gal pals had whiled away so many happy hours here in Christmases past. Such innocence, but what was the matter with that?

Lindy allowed herself a few blissful moments to drink in the happy memories before she dared look at Cap's booth. To her relief and delight, there he was, with his nose buried in a paperback.

She stepped up to the empty side of the booth. "Is this seat free, sir?"

"Uh, yeah," Cap said before looking up. When he did look up and see who it was, he dropped the book in his lap in surprise. "Lindy! Uhh...hi!"

"Hi, Cap!" She slid in across from him and welcomed his hand in hers. "How've you been?"

"Great," he said. "But I've been missing you."

"Same here," Lindy said. "I've got a picture of you on my desk at school and my roommates wanted to know all about you!"

"God, I'm so sorry!" Cap said.

"Sorry for what?"

"The way I reacted after prom, when you wanted to...you know. And for never telling you about the thing with my folks. I handled it all wrong."

"Well, I did kind of put you on the spot, I know," Lindy said. "And you were just trying not to hurt me. Thank you."

"How'd you know I was here?"

"Never mind that. I'm just glad you were." Lindy had a hundred questions she wanted to ask about what he'd been up to in Chicago and whether there'd been anyone else and what did he think of her now, but her attention was diverted when she noticed the next song starting on the jukebox: "Silhouettes" by the Rays. "Oh, I love this song!" she squealed like the schoolgirl she once again felt like.

"It's just what you had in mind for us on prom night, wasn't it?" Cap teased. "Two silhouettes on the shade?"

"And how!" Lindy saw no point in denying it. Knowing Cap would never ask, she slid out of the booth and held out her hand. "Want to dance?"

Cap passed the first I'm-not-Jimmy test when he didn't say anything about how she should have waited for the man to ask. Instead he took her hand and let her lead him onto the floor.

They danced silently cheek-to-cheek through the instrumental break, Lindy thrilling to the safe pleasure of his arms around her. Finally he broke the silence. "Are you...still upset with me?" he asked.

Lindy smiled and shook her head. "Not unless you're engaged to some coed from Chicago, darling."

"I'm not!" Cap laughed. "Who's got time for dating anymore?"

"That's just what I've found," Lindy said. "Besides that, I couldn't forget you. It all felt like so much unfinished business."

"Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that!" Cap chuckled. "My roommates have been after me to have a fling and get this Lindy gal out of my system, and I finally had to tell them, look, I don't want her out of my system!"

"Thank heavens." Lindy tightened her embrace as the song finished. "Now, Cap, I don't mean to push you too hard, but if you want..." She dropped her voice to a whisper and leaned in to his ear. "I still have them in my purse!"

Cap laughed and nodded his head eagerly.

He insisted on treating Lindy to lunch. When she was done and they were waiting for her mother's car to warm up, she said, "There's only one problem. I have no idea where we can do it. Not in this car! I don't know how, but my mom would know."

"My folks are off at some all-day church retreat," Cap said. "We'll have to wash the sheets afterward to be safe, though."

"Oh, well, that's certainly a deal breaker!" Lindy laughed, and they were off to Cap's house. Her heart was flying all the way, but she was also worried that Cap might agree with Jimmy. Surely he was too polite to ever call her disgusting, but what if he privately thought so?

Then he didn't deserve her love, Lindy concluded.

Cap's house was laid out just like her own -- no surprise in their cookie-cutter suburb, where she was used to all the houses looking just alike -- but his bedroom was the smaller one at the end of the hall, like the one in her house where Mother and Father kept all their books that they never seemed to read. "This used to be my kid sister's room," he said, turning on the transistor radio on his bedside table, which naturally was playing Christmas music. "My folks switched us last summer, since I won't be here much from now on."