Grieving for the Love of Laura

I plant my lips on hers, a kiss that takes my breath away. I feel my dick brush against her slippery pussy and a thrill runs from the tip of my shaft to up my spine and into my brain. I press myself to her again. Her breathing is full in my face as we kiss like starving animals. Grunts and groans rush from both of our lips and intermingle in the air. I'm heady with her presence.

I slide along her and she turns with her back to me. I lie with my shaft in the crease of her ass. I feel the juice that has migrated across her body. Our mouths still press together, tongues twining about each other. My hand comes to rest on her tit, the nipple falls between my fingers. I close my fingers on it as I grasp the fleshy loveliness. Undulate my body on hers, I use my leg to part hers. I snake my hand down her body enjoying the smoothness of her skin as I move my way to her sopping wet sex. I trail my fingers to her shaven lips as I tickle and tease my way inside.

First my middle finger, running it across the upper part of her hidden sex, as I slip in and out slowly. I keep it up as I continue to hump her from behind. In and out slowly and relentlessly, as I caress her engorged clit. In no time at all another finger joins it. I quicken my pace as I increase the pressure.

Faster and faster 'til my hand is a blur and the sound of the motion fills the air.

Her breath come quicker, her body begins to shake. I can feel the small tremors as they begin to build and build. Her grunting is growing in pace with my motions, her hips buck. I can feel it like a freight train unstoppable, undeniable, inevitable, unavoidable. Her mouth rips away from mine; she presses her face into the pillow as she explodes.

I hold her tight, but it is hard she rides a tilde wave of pure lust. Her body convulses, her hips buck uncontrollably as she screams into the pillow! Not a soft mewing or even a series of satisfied grunts, but a throat ripping roar that shakes the walls around us!

I kiss her neck as the wave subsides and her breath slowly regulates itself.

When she seems calm, I brush the hair from her face with her wetness still clinging to my fingers. She sucks them, cleaning the juice away, the sound is at once sloppy and exciting.

I make room for her and turn her to face me. First I think it is her own sweat and love juice that coats her face, but it its tears.

Weather it is from joy or ecstasy, I don't know. I kiss them away; the taste of salt on my lips is refreshing.

I roll my self onto her. Her legs spread seemingly of their own accord. My hands stray to her hair. Once again my mouth meets hers. She wraps her arms about me, holding my close. My member jumps when it comes in contact with her again. I press myself up on one arm as my other hand snakes its way between us. I brush the moisture in search of myself. I sit back on my knees her legs bend and fly open.

I take the tip and rub it lightly up and down her slit. She thrusts her hips up at me trying to swallow me. But I keep up my teasing. At every attempt I thwart her and keep teasing. I'm drawing out the ardor she has kept deep inside for me for all this time.

Eventually I give her a bit more pressure. Only a bit at a time, her hips begin to bounce off of the bed in a vain attempt to entreat me to enter her. Her face is covered in sweat and love juices, those green eyes that I love so much are wild like a feral thing.

I lie on her again, my mouth going to her nipple. I suck it in and my member falls so close to her sex. I lick suck and bite the little button escalating, fanning the fire with in her. I press myself just outside of her lips, slowly, inch by inch with aching unhurriedness I begin to slip in. She moans loud and long. Not all the way. I take my time continuing the tease, the dance. Inching closer, closer, till in an instant of pure pleasure that she has been seeking for so long.

I'm all the way in. Again she begins to cry, but I can see from the look on her face it is from joy, maybe even triumph. She begins to shake and shudder again but only for a moment. The orgasm she has is a small one compared with the ear-splitting one she had only a few moments ago. But somehow I think this one is so much more satisfying. I know it is for me.

Again I move slowly, almost slightly, barely in and out of her. My arms meander so that I hold her under her shoulders. I bury my face in her neck. Breathing in her scent mixed with the smell of sex cum and her perfume I begin amplify my movements.

But I realize what I'm doing.

I'm not here for a scene, to have sex, or even to fuck. I'm here to make love to the woman I love.

And that is just what I do. I rise from my reclining position so that I can see her face, and stare into those eyes of green. First, I see hunger behind the tears, but I keep on searching. Next I'm met by a slight bewilderment at what it is I want. Then another tear slides from the edge of her eye, and slowly I see it, what I was searching for, I see understanding and agreement.

We begin to move as one. Up slowly, then down, up slowly, then down again. No need for that slight awkwardness that happens before you get into a rhythm. We are in time.

A little faster now as if our hearts are setting the tempo.

I slide in, and the feeling of being inside of her is unlike it has ever been with any other woman.

Warm, Close, Wet, Safe. As of nothing can touch us here. Not the rain outside, the millions of people, who envy us at this moment, not even the look.

I come out again, her hands stray along my back up to my neck. The feeling of her fingers on my skin thrills me like never before. I keep retreating 'til I'm almost out.

I hold there I feel the cold, like the absence of her in my life. She doesn't rise to meet me. She too sits still almost as if she understands.

I'm sure she does.

My fingers tangle in her hair again.

Then back down and in. So slow, so deep, so satisfying, so right.

I hear a heart beat it's not mine it's too slow, too slow for hers as well I can feel it through my chest. Then I realize it is the music again. An old song, "Somebody" by Depeche Mode. Share my innermost thoughts / Know my intimate details. And I realize I have just that.

We keep it up, building the pace of our bodied, out hearts. I kiss her again.

Most likely the sweetest kiss I have or ever will have. We begin to circle our hips. I'm not sure but I think we both decided it would feel good at the same time, and it dose.

In and out round and round we move as one the pace the passion climbing higher. We kiss, we smile, we caress, we pinch.

We make love. Time stands still. Time slips by. Time flies when you're having fun. An hour, a day, a life time, an instant, it doesn't matter.

This is what I wanted.

This, to make love to her, all those months ago when I walked up to her door to get that music, not the music of the CD but the music of her soul.

Thinking of music strangely my mind floats to what is playing.

When I hear the opening notes of what is playing I begin to cry.

Her legs are wrapped around my waist my hands on her hips. I use strength that I rarely show. I pull us to a sitting position. Pistoning in and out of her I begin to sing the song in my head, at least I think so, I can't really tell.

Love, I get so lost, sometimes Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart When I want to run away I drive off in my car But whichever way I go I come back to the place you are

My heart is races; I can't find the air to breathe, as we speed towards heaven. But somewhere I can still find the breath to go on.

And all my instincts, they return And the grand facade, so soon will burn Without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside

A sigh comes from her. Faster she forces her self down on to me; her head lies on my shoulder, her face in my neck kissing me.

In your eyes The light the heat In your eyes I am complete In your eyes I see the doorway to a thousand churches In your eyes The resolution of all the fruitless searches In your eyes I see the light and the heat In your eyes Oh, I want to be that complete I want to touch the light The heat I see in your eyes

Her face meets mine. I look into her eyes, green and deep, so full of love and I can see that she is close. I can feel it in her body as she begins to stiffen. I kiss her again. I want to keep kissing her but there is something I have to tell her.

I break the kiss and see that she is crying, I don't seem to care, I have to tell her.

"I love you," I whisper, my face only a hair's breadth from hers.

But she can't answer. She is moaning now, close so close.

I sing on. Now I know I'm singing out loud.

Love, I don't like to see so much pain So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away

She stops me, her mouth on mine, her breath mixing with mine her moans echoing inside my lips, inside of my soul.

Her grip tightens around my waist and squeezes my chest making it even harder for me to breathe. I can feel it mount; it starts in the back of my head. It zips to my chest.

She tosses her head back; her hair flies every which way. Her neck is right there I can't help myself. I bite it, take the soft flesh in my teeth. My hands move of their own accord and grasp her hair. A throaty gurgle erupts from her, I can feel it as much as I can hear it.

Tighter she squeezes my chest with her arms, tighter she squeezes my waist with her legs. And finally tighter she squeezes me with the walls of her gripping pussy. I'm compressed. There is no way I can breathe. Where did she get the strength? I don't care.

I pump even harder, using my arms on her sides to press her even closer to me, to get even deeper in to her.

She starts to shake. No, that is too tame. She convulses, her hips bucking, neck jerking so hard I'm forced to let go of her hair. Every time a wave hits her another wordless screech discharges from between her gnashing teeth past her curling lips and blasts me in the face. But I can barely hear her from the blood in my own ears. Laura shimmies so hard I can't hold her upright. She jolts from my grasp and onto the bed where she continues to quake.

And I continue to drive myself into her. I can't stop now. I too am close. No not close.

There.

I flop onto her, eyes shut tight, so tight I see colors. But they are nothing compared to the sparks I see in my mind and feel in my soul.

I still can't seem to stop. On and on I go pressing the boundaries of pleasure. My skin feels like I'm on fire. I'm burning. I'm burning wherever she touches me. Every nerve in my skin is bare. The very air is electric.

She's holding me now tighter that before. I didn't think it was possible but some how she does.

Then the only sound we make is the heavy breathing that somehow sounds satisfied in my ears. In the air are the last notes of Peter Gariel's "In Your Eyes."

The African-like beat intertwines with the wailing, just under Peter Gariel's oh-so-European voice seems to be a perfect fit with the mingling of my black skin on her white body.

I hear her talking from somewhere.

"I love you, too," she says, as the last shudders leave her body and voice.

I collapse next to her, air heaving in and out of my lungs, a buzzing in my ears and a joy in my heart.

She raises herself onto one elbow and places the other hand on my chest. I see her creamy white skin in high contrast to my coal black skin. Her face nuzzles my neck I feel her hot breath on me.

"My God! If I had known, I would have jumped you when you said, 'Sorry, I don't pray that way.'" She recites the first thing she heard me say, breathlessly.

Damn her again.

"If you had, I never would have heard you say, 'Unplug the jukebox and do us all a favor,' and that would have been a shame."

We laughed, hugged and kissed.

The second time is better than the first because I knew her body better I make a symphony of her moans and sighs.

The third is even better even more intense, it is the best I have ever had. The second was the second, the third is, well you get the idea.

The fourth. The fourth never happens. It's getting early and we are both long past tired, we sleep, arms about each other. I breathe out as she breathes in.

I wake a short time later, we're still tangled together. I look at her again, more beautiful than I could ever imagine, this woman I love. Her face is slack, mouth parted, looking so much like I have always thought an angel should.

I think on what a wonderful night we have shared. And I stop, remembering that it is our first night and our last.

The pain hits me so hard it brings a tear to my eyes. I can't seem to find enough air in the room, maybe because there are no windows. There are no windows because we are in her dungeon. The circle of logic threatens to bring down my mind. I bite my lip the pain helps me calm my mind.

And I know what I must do.

I bend to kiss her on the cheek, a sweet kiss, soft and loving. But I see my tear fall on her face, and I stop again. She moves a bit and smiles. I hear her mumble something that sounds like my name. My heart melts again.

Slowly I extract myself from her, hoping she doesn't wake and make what I'm doing impossible by simply saying my name again.

I get to my feet, with out waking her, and try to gather my clothes, hers and mine are intertwined. I find her panties in the leg of my pants. I hold them up and stare at them. Red, exquisitely shaped and soft to the touch. For a moment I think of taking, stuffing them in my pocket in remembrance of her, of this night.

But no. It would hurt too much and more pain I can't take.

I drop them and turn my back Laura. I turn my back on love. I turn my back on heartache. I dress in the first room we walked into, the one with all the toys and tools of her trade. My hands are shaky and my movements are slow. Slowed by the weight of just what I'm doing. I think about myself, how I look. Do I look heroic? Dressing here in a dungeon in the dark? Will I look back on this moment in the future and think how brave I was? But I can't see that far, I know I don't feel brave, I feel foolish.

Outside its cold I can see my breath. The sun isn't up yet but it is light enough to see. I hear the gulls in the sky crying. I look out over the river that splits the city I live in, in half. For a moment I think about the river that splits me from Laura. For a moment I'm tempted to look back finally, to see at least the building that she sleeps in. I don't, I wont, I can't. I take a deep breath and start the shortest and longest walk in my life.

A block away I'm crying in earnest I can't stop the tears or the feelings. I can't see the road so I pull over for a second or two. It's quiet in the car too quiet. I reach for my CD case. Tossing the CDs over the back seat, I'm looking for something, anything to help. Help what? The pain? The pain of losing her again, for the third time in my life. First with the look. The next, the show and lastly now? What can help when you remove your own heart?

I raise my hands and scream. I rage, I beat the steering wheel. "What the HELL am I doing?" I yell at the top of my lungs. But in the empty car there is no response. No words of wisdom.

I calm my self not long after my out burst. In that I feel brave, the effort was heroic but I manage it. I slip a CD in at random, and pull away from the curb.

Another block. I'm in traffic, people who go to work early I can see coffee mugs and make up in the cars as I pass. At a red light, I'm stopped next to a woman who turns and smiles at me. I somehow pull a smile from somewhere. She waves. Yeah, she's interested, but I'm not, she's not Laura.

Laura.

I feel the tears coming again but before I let them flow I hit the play button on the player. And pull away.

I hear it. Its coming but I can't or won't stop it. Thomas Dolby, "Astronauts and Heretics." The first track on that album. "I Love You Goodbye." I let the first two verses wash over me. Knowing what comes next.

But there are no tears as I sing, only the knowledge that he is right.

Under a Cajun moon I lay me open
There is a spirit here that won't be broken
Some words are sad to sing
Some leave me tongue-tied
But the hardest words I know
Are I love you goodbye
I love you goodbye