Happy Hollowdays Pt. 01

Second foray. A multi-parter. I'm hoping to smother deficit of talent with volume. ; ) A little long I know, but more of a melodrama. That wont work unless you wring it out. Four parts probably, I'm still deciding where to place some of the breaks. But it's all finished so there should be no delays.

I'm Tim, and I was alone for holidays. I'm not rich but I'm pretty well off, certainly for a twenty-three-year-old, although that didn't keep me from being alone. My parents were on an Arctic cruise. They had always dreamed of taking one. My sister was at her hopefully soon to be husband's family's place. I was happy for them yet was feeling a little lonely. Actually, I was feeling desperately lonely, mostly because I had not in any way anticipated being alone for the holidays.

Earlier this year, about five months ago, my fiancé, Brenda, left me for my best friend, Andy. They had both talked to me about the other so much, that I was the one that noticed the trend and their overlapping interests telling them jokingly, "You guys have more in common with each other than you do with me."

I have rued myself for apparently being both prescient and influential. I watched their expressions at my words, receiving good and bad news. I noticed they both looked odd, like a light bulb went on. They looked at each other with shocked expressions and held each other's gaze just a bit too long before looking away awkwardly. Within two months they both came to me separately, both tearfully saying they didn't want to be around the other any longer. I figured this part out too. I stated quietly to each at the time, "Because you are in love with them."

"Yeah," was the same sheepish hurt answer from both. Then I made the same hurt sheepish response to both, "But you don't want to hurt me by being around the other and having those sparks ignite between you." And they didn't. I loved them for trying to look after me. But that's always been my job, looking out for others.

They didn't want to be tempted or let anything grow to the point of temptation. They weren't going to date or... anything, nothing at all in fact: no interaction whatsoever. Quite independently they both thought the best way to make sure a fire didn't start was separate the kindling and the matches, sort of a preemptive non-strike. I thought it was interesting they both came up with the same idea. They really did think alike, probably why I was drawn to both of them in the first place. Well to Brenda anyway, I have known Andy since we were little kids. Neither my girlfriend, nor my best friend knew how the other felt, as I was the only one that had spoken to either. But now all three of us were suppressed. One night I called them together, they were both shocked that the other was there. We met in my apartment where I lived with my fiancé, Brenda.

I told them that they were in love with each other. I told them I wanted them both in my life. I told them I trusted them both implicitly and I thought the way to deal with this was not to treat it like it was radioactive, but rather head on. I didn't want to jettison Andy out of our lives. I wanted to leave to let them talk it out. I wanted them to see how strong they thought it was. I told them I knew if it was going to be a problem then there would have to be a visitation schedule almost like I was a child of divorced parents. I thought getting it out in the open would lessen the desire as it removed the forbidden fruit element as well as having to hide it from me. You must understand I thought they both felt more strongly for me than for each other. I thought theirs was a borderline attraction.

If their attraction was still strong, we could come to an understanding of who would be where and when. I told them they were the two people closest to me in the whole world. I could not jettison either from my life completely. I explained I had known my best friend longer, but I was in love with my girlfriend, Brenda, which I described as a sensation, which joyfully continued to grow the longer I was with her. I told them it was terrible that this happened, but that we could all get over this chasm by being upfront, patient, and gracious.

I saw myself as the bridge over the chasm; that was sort of my function with our entire circle of friends. I also knew neither wanted to hurt me, so I volunteered to go pick up carry out. That way they could speak plainly to each other and clear the air without having to worry about my misinterpreting anything they said. I figured they would find out this was not as big a problem as they thought, and while awkward now, we would all have a big laugh about it in later years. They could hash that part out together. This way they could say what they needed to about me, or what they felt most awkward saying to each other, without me in front of them. I thought they would be done with that part by the time I returned, when we could figure out what we could do together or, if not, when Andy's "visitation times" with me would be, like a child of divorcing parents.

You can ask when I became the most idiotic excuse for a man in the universe? It's a fair question, one I asked myself for months. The pathetically simple answer was I didn't expect they really were more compatible with each other than with me. I never foresaw what was coming.

When I got back, they were gone. I tried calling them. I got a quick, "I will definitely call you later!" from my buddy, Andy, who sounded strange.

"Wait Andy, before you hang up; do you know where Brenda is? She isn't here either."

I could not help but hear the guilt in Andy's voice, "We, uh, are actually over at my folk's home. We are talking to my mom. You know my mom is a counselor. Uh, we thought we needed some insight."

"So, you are together?" I thought it was a simple question. Andy reacted like it was an indictment.

"What? No! I couldn't do that to you." Andy's guilt had shifted to panic.

I was confused by the turn of events, more so by my friend's response. Still the up-front person I asked the natural questions, "What are you talking about? Is Brenda there talking to your mom or not?"

"Yes, but... oh damn. I'm sorry man, I thought you meant... never mind. We are trying to figure this mess out."

"Well buddy, I'm glad you sought help, though I really thought that it wasn't that bad. I thought we would figure out some schedule where I could spend time with each of you separately over the coming holidays, since you guys don't want to be together in one place anymore. Do you want me to come over too? We can figure it all out together."

Andy sounded guiltily panicked again, "Uh, no. I mean mom sees that there is a lot going on here between us. We both love you man, but that means we have a big, a huge, damn, a rather monstrous problem to solve. Actually, no matter how we move forward we have one. We are sorry we ran off. We were... taking your advice. Sorry, we took it to the extreme. Uh, we knew you would be concerned with how things were going. We, ah, love you, man. We will see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?!"

"It's late."

"I just got back with our dinner!" Not hearing any response, I added while forcing a smile into my voice, "I don't want to eat alone."

Andy sounded sick, "We're safe, Brenda's safe. We would have asked, but it just happened. Well, no, we wouldn't have... have asked. Well Shit, I mean we can't just tell you. So damn, I guess we would have asked, but you knew more than we did."

"Andy, buddy, I don't understand a word you are saying. Do you want me to bring the Chinese over there? We have enough for your mom, Rita, too."

"No!" Andy said too quickly. I could hear the regret in his voice as he spoke next, "That would not be a good idea. I mean you knew, but it's obvious you didn't suspect... well, there wasn't anything to suspect, but it turned out you knew that we both felt this way. Damn, I'm not make any sense, am I? This is awkward."

"I know buddy, it's why I brought you together. Becuase the two most important people in my life can't be completely awkward around each other. I won't let you guys go through that! I figured we could talk it all out, make sure we are on the same page with no secrets and nothing to hide, because that's no way to live. Then we could figure if we could all be together, if not then when you could see me over the holidays, since you two won't be together in one place together. But there's no way I'm cutting either of you lose to float around in lonely limbo! Certainly not for when the holidays arrive."

"What? Ohhh maaaan. Tim, how could you have known what you knew, and not understood what would happen? Shit, you still don't know. How can you not know now? No, you don't know. And I don't know how to tell you, and Brenda is worse. Mom can't figure it either. Look Tim, I'm sorry. I really want my mom's talents to try to figure out what to do. You always play fair by everyone. I want... everyone wants, to play right by you. I mean that is what is really paramount on both Brenda's and my minds right now. And shit, it's beyond me. I don't see how anything this wonderful could get this fucked up."

I was happy that my friend seemed to understand what I was trying to achieve, "I know Andy, that is what I've been saying. That's why I brought you and Brenda together and why we need to just be honest with each other. There are times when there may be an overlap when my best friend and my girlfriend, soon wife, are together for a few minutes. I mean you are both the two most important people in my whole world!"

Andy seemed suddenly tired and more than a little morose, "I know that Tim, we both do. Oh maaan."

I added the energy that my friend lacked, I could carry Andy on my back if needed, I would never leave my friend out in the cold. "That's why I was never going to leave either of you two hanging! You should have known that; I will never let my family down. As much as my biological family, you two are the family I have chosen. So, I will make sure you two are okay. But Andy, I don't see how we can do that if I'm not there with you."

"Shit Tim, you are the best. I need you to know we both feel that way, both Brenda and I, that's why this is so fucked up. We are okay, I hope you are. We pray you are. We will be praying you are."

I wasn't sure what to make of this. I looked at the big bag of food wondering if he should put the entire thing in the fridge. When would they be back? When was Brenda coming home? "Oookay, so you really don't want me to come over?"

"No. Not now. I have to figure this out first, Tim. Then I can talk to you, and I will face you to do it!" Andy sounded down when he began, then resolute by the time he ended.

I found both out of my expected context and confusing. I tried to force the pieces together, "Sure, Andy, it's going to be hard to eat all this Chinese food if you aren't facing me!" I said laughing.

"Ah, Brenda is gonna stay here for a while. We are looking for direction from my mom, okay?"

"Sure, do you need me to pick her up after?"

"No! She may... spend the night. Don't worry, my mom will chaperone. I will see you tomorrow. I promise."

I hoped he kept the confusion and now disappointment out of my reply, "Chaperone? Hey, you have been my lifelong friend. You and Brenda are my world. Well, you two and my family. I can't tell you how happy I am you are working it out. You take care buddy and to show you what I mean, I know Brenda is as safe with you and your mom," I chuckled, "as she would be with me. I will see you two tomorrow. Thank you for doing this for me. It can't be easy."

I heard crying and a gasp.

"Is everything okay over there, Andy?"

"Y-Yeah, Brenda and my folks heard your response. You are the best guy in the world, and they were just moved. Brenda well, you know how Brenda feels about you."

He was quiet then.

I wanted to fill in the sudden silence, "Okay buddy, take care of my girl. There's no one I would trust her with more. See you guys tomorrow. We will still have a crap-ton of Chinese to eat." I thought I heard more commotion. Was someone crying?

My friend was subdued, "Yeah man. You really are the best. I'll see you tomorrow man." Andy hung up.

* * * * * *

I looked at the woman sitting in my living room. Her name was Jill. I had been giving her this narrative and finally let her hear one of the recordings. I explained, "I do a lot of dictation on my phone. I write technical papers, instructions, and articles. I try to explain the complex to people without the requisite training to understand the intricacies. I take a complex idea and explain it in the vernacular. I try to make the difficult easy. It seems to be a skill, and I make pretty good money. I started while in college and have a strong academic following, especially when they are trying to explain their research to businesses that might pay for it. The businesses are good clients too, if they have a process or patent that they want the public to invest in they need someone to put it in language the investor can understand. That helps explain my where-with-all and how my phone conversations were recorded. I have it programmed to pick up on my voice unless I remember to tell it not to.

Explaining Jill sitting in my living room is a little complex. I'll try to make it simple. Jill is an escort I hired. But there was something off about her being an escort. Yes, you are right, there is something extremely off about my hiring an escort. Sometimes it helps to know what is going to happen then hear the explanation. As I wanted companionship more than sex Jill and I had ended up in a big discussion. I'll fill you in as we go, but for right now we were explaining to each other how screwed up our relationships were. It was my turn and Jill was getting the particulars of my story which boiled down to "No good deed goes unpunished".

Jill had just listened to a recording of the above conversation. There was a card and a letter sent with the card placed on the table. Jill noticed the Christmas oriented card and its prominent location in the center of the table where I ate and had inquired. I had started out trying to explain. Although the card was a Christmas card, nothing else about it was ordinary.

Inside was this inscription which I let Jill read, "Tim, we are thinking of you. We think of you constantly. You are the best guy in the world! We can't figure out how we've done this to you. We pray you forgive us. Except I saw you that day. You already have, I know it. We, however, continue to hurt you. We know our absence does too, but our presence more. We didn't want to mess up your Christmas with your family. We thought seeing us would do that. So, we are going out of town to make sure we don't mess things up for you. If you ever do want to see us again, together or separately, just send the word. Until then we will keep away as asked. I don't know if it makes sense coming from us, but Merry Christmas from Andy and Brenda to the best man we know.

Jill's eyes got big as it all came together for her, forcing her to exclaim aloud, "Oh God, they ran off together." She sat back hard rebounding off the cushions on the sofa.

I nodded, "Yep. I left to grab takeout dinner so they could talk out their awkward situation. I didn't want them to feel awkward around each other. When really, they felt more awkward together around me! I never saw any of it. They were really in love with each other, even more than they cared for me, which I never saw. Left alone they fell together and had sex on my sofa, while I was gone getting food, trusting them."

Jill suddenly glanced down where she was sitting. "No, no," I assured, "I got rid of that one."

Just as Jill was relaxing from her sudden fright she saw my frustration give way to pain as I continued to recall the events for her, "They were so ashamed afterwards that they ran out, not understanding what they had just done. They didn't understand what they really felt for each other yet; was that a one-time unfortunate thing or the beginning of a life together? One thing they did know was they sure as hell didn't know what to say to me."

"It turns out it was a life changing experience for them. They didn't know what to do. Andy suggested his mom, Rita the counselor, to Brenda. Rita is a trained shrink of some sort. They went to his parent's place, admitted the basics to his mother, who grilled them and grilled them about what they'd done, only to find they were very much in love, extremely compatible, and really did belong together."

Jill recoiled off the back of the couch again. Her mouth was open.

I continued, wondering if any part of this story would see her mouth close; it was that messed up. "That love they shared was the problem they had. No matter which way they went, they would be apart, or I would be alone. If they chose to be together, I would lose both my wife-to-be and my best friend: my whole life. I had brought them together initially. And what brought them together for good was my trying to do something nice for them, because I wanted them both in my life. Worse, I trusted them completely, and they had already cheated on me; they had betrayed me. How could they explain that to me? And what choice about the future would they make? They were very aware that their happy ending would end my happiness. They would both be gone from my life: the exact opposite of what I tried to achieve in leaving them alone together. My refusal to betray either of them could now cost me both of them. It was my concern for them that led them to betray me, now my love for both of them may lead them to abandon me utterly. They understood the terrible dichotomy of what their love meant for the three of us. There was no way for everyone to be happy."

So far Jill's mouth had not closed. I was glad she had a glass of water.

"As Andy and Brenda were still trying to get their heads around all that, I called wanting to know where they were. My embarrassingly honest, trusting, and unknowingly vulnerable missives on the call horrified Brenda and Andy's mom, who had been listening via speaker phone. She understood that the one who had demonstrated the most loyalty during the whole, er, affair was the one who was going to end up most hurt and most alone.

"In the end the two of them belonged together more than Brenda should be my wife and Andy my friend. It's a shame it worked that there was a big loser. That doesn't help them, you know. It isn't their fault in some ways, they didn't try to fall in love. But yeah, they made the choice to cheat on me, then the choice to stay together which condemned me. They have their soul mates and..."

"And you are alone for Christmas, which they probably don't know either," Jill said in a sort of whisper like a detective putting together two pieces of evidence to form an amazing conclusion. At least her mouth was closed now, I didn't want to cause her a sore throat.

"Maybe, but it really would be more hurtful to see them together. That's a sad truth. I really don't want to see that. One day perhaps, but it's still pretty damn raw."

"What happened, Tim?" Jill sat there morose shaking her head trying to ward off what was already history.

I sat back again, remembering was taking a toll on me, "Andy and his parents came over the next morning. His dad walked in, a big mountain of a guy. He told me he didn't approve of what had happened. He pledged if I needed someone, someone to yell at or hit, or be with, that it would be his honor. I always liked him, that was pretty stand-up behavior, more so after the fact, but at the time I had no flipping clue what he was talking about. He looked at my confused open face, saw I had no idea how my life had already changed, and I swear he was about ready to blow a gasket. He left my apartment to sit in his car, shaking his head in remonstration at his cringing wife on his way out."