Happy Hollowdays Pt. 01

"Brenda let me do all that I have done for her. What did I do to her that she would throw that ring in my face this way? Telling me that my love for her, my possibly magnanimous, and definitely loving, gestures meant nothing. She fucks who she wants, marries who she wants, and did anyway, no matter how magnanimous I was, or how much I loved her. I am still trying to do best by my best friend and the woman I love. And her response is she can't be bothered to see me, or say I'm sorry, to touch my cheek, to kiss me goodbye one last time? To talk it out and at least try to explain and see if those feelings still stand up while she's explaining them to my face? Instead sending my engagement ring back with a messenger says, "sayonara sucker, fuck you, and drop dead." She wants to not only take everything from me, but pour shit all over me when she leaves, but doesn't even think enough of me to do it herself; I'm just not worth getting her hands dirty over."

Andy was amazed and stricken, his face positively white, edging back towards the wall. He had never imagined me so enraged or so broken, and he understood every gut punch I described. We grew up together, hung out in each other's houses. He was my best friend. Yet he did this. He never imagined me this way and he was the cause!

I shook my head. I was trying to give my anger reign. Except the weight of my words and their meaning was crushing me despite the armor anger afforded.

"Damn it Rita, you want to make something good out of their being together. No way, certainly not this way; this is just dirty and fowl. You want to make something noble of me, the moral superiority of the fucking victim, but I don't want this. It's being rammed down my throat. Not exacting revenge does not make me noble. Besides, anyone being noble here, especially the victim, is not enough to sanctify the new couple's actions, if that was your hope. Betrayal is betrayal, it will always be slimy and sick. If I made the choice they should be together that would be my sacrifice, but Rita, their choosing it is my murder. Don't try to parse words with me, you are no debater, and lawyers only fool themselves. Besides my heart has no vocabulary, it just feels. It knows when it has been purposely split asunder by those it loves. Don't tell truth to deny itself in order to be "reasonable".

Andy's mother came over to me. I don't know what Andy looked at, as I now refused to look at him, but her expression was shock when she glanced back to him. She purposefully tore her gaze away from her son, looking back at me, concentrating on me as she spoke.

Her words were soaked with regret, "We are leaving, Tim. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for every part of it. I'm sorry for my part in it. I'm sorry for the kid's actions. I'm sorry this ever happened. I'm trying to help, because I know you love her, when I tell you that Brenda didn't mean it the way you took her returning your ring. Though I completely understand and agree that she owed it to you to do it in person. She is extremely emotional right now." Rita stopped, waiving off her attempt to stand up for my former finance, knowing that asking me to feel for Brenda was worse than useless: it was damaging. "I get it, Tim. I will make them understand."

I looked at her pointedly, "I meant what I said. Sell the ring. Not cheap. It's my wedding present to them. I want an invitation. I've earned that. But don't worry, I will not attend."

"Yes. I see." She swallowed, "They really do love you. She didn't mean to... damn it, Brenda didn't mean fuck this up or fuck you over. At least not worse than she already had. Her shame over how this has played out, over exactly how she betrayed you, where, when, how in the particular circumstance; it's crushing her. She never intended... oh Tim, on top of all of that, engendering this reaction in you will break her in half."

Rita caught the change of my expression. It was my nature: it was how I felt about Brenda. Even angry I couldn't have her upset. It was just my nature, I loved her.

I blurted out sadly, my voice little more than a guttural hiss, "Then don't tell her. Don't ever tell her. I promised her I would never let her be hurt..."

I paused, "Oh God,"

It really dawned on me. Brenda wasn't mine; she was gone. She was gone already; there wasn't going to be a last chapter forth coming. There would be no last meeting, or last conversation, or last kiss. It was already over.

It just escaped from my lips, far too meek yet soaked in portent, "Oh no."

Andy's mom and her son read every bit of that in me, and they watched the weight crush me. I turned around and walked for the bedroom I used to share with her. That wasn't good, but I had nothing of mine that wasn't part hers anymore. I needed sanctuary. I kept walking. I didn't say anything. I went in I closed the door. I'm terribly embarrassed about it, but I'm sure they heard me break down as soon as the door closed behind me.