Happy Wife, Happy Life

"I'm sorry, but I can't understand your viewpoint on this, Andrea. What if I asked to bang your roommate, the cheerleader, while you watched. Would you be OK with that?"

She looked at me with her eyes blazing, "I would cut your nuts off, but only after I talked with you about it!"

I stood up. "I need to leave and think this over. I'm not sure if we actually see eye to eye on some things."

"SEE! That is what I am talking about. Rather than talk this out, you are going to tuck your tail and RUN AWAY! I love you, you idiot, please don't do this."

"I'm sorry Andrea, I think I need some distance from you right now. Goodbye." I walked to the door with her shouting behind me, not paying attention as I stepped through and closed it behind me.

I drove and drove. After what seemed like hours, I reached Little Sahara State Park. I grabbed a blanket out of the back of my car and spread it out on the dunes. I came here when I was stressed to watch the stars. It's amazing how clear and bright they are once you've left the light pollution of cities and towns. Watching the sky shifting above me, I shivered due to the cold of the desert night. The blanket was large enough for two, as I brought...HER...out here with me now and then, so I pulled the other half over me. The morning sun and warmth on my face brought me awake from my unintentional slumber.

I tried to see Andrea's viewpoint. I really did. But everything kept bringing me back to my first love's betrayal. There had been others since, and finally Andrea, but Chelsea still held a little dead, black part of my heart. It took me the better part of seven years to get over what she did in that pizza parlor, showing me her true colors. Now I thought I had found love again, yet she didn't even seem that bothered by what had happened, her concern laying with the one who betrayed me. I couldn't do it. The ring I had purchased and planned on giving to Andrea would have to go back to the shop.

Once I got back to town, I went to my apartment to retrieve the ring and return it. The best laid plans of mice and men. As I walked up the steps, I saw Andrea there, distraught and streaked with tears. She had her arms wrapped around herself, wearing one of the long sleeved t-shirts I had left at her dorm room on the one occasion her roommate was gone and we had made out. Rocking back and forth, she came alive when she saw me.

"Sam, please forgive me! I'll do anything, I don't want to lose you!"

I helped her up and inside to my room. There we just held one another for a long time, until she seemed recovered enough to talk. "I forgive you Andrea and, God help me, I still love you. You have to know how badly I took your thoughts though."

"I do, Sam. It wasn't until after you left and I got over my anger that I realized I had possibly ruined my future with the best man I have ever met. Fuck Chelsea, she can go choke on a bag of dicks. Please, will you just stay with me?"

I felt my doubts fly away like mist in the wind. I didn't answer her verbally, just slowly pried her arms off me. She started crying loudly, thinking the worst, but there was soon silence as I opened my dresser and removed the small velvet box containing the ring. I knelt and tears began streaming silently from her eyes as she unconsciously began nodding furiously.

"Will you do me the honor of being my Wife, Andrea French?"

"Yes, a million times yes! I love you so much," she said as she held out her hand.

Three

After we both graduated, we moved to the Dallas area. I had succeeded in getting hired by Raytheon and she was working for an older vet who she suspected would end up selling her his office when he retired. I loved her family. They were a hundred times better than my own and you could just picture them standing hand in hand with the American flag in the sky behind them. We had a few tough moments when they asked if I would be bringing my folks around to meet them, but they accepted that I was very much estranged from them for reasons I felt were necessary.

"It's not like they are marrying our daughter," her father, Robert "I answer to just plain Bob" said. I agreed wholeheartedly.

Once we got our feet under us and picked out a house we both liked, we began trying to have children. After multiple attempts over many months, we decided it was time to bring medical science into the quandary we were having. Many tests later, it was determined that, most likely during my time in the military, I had damaged my testicles to the point that they were not going to be providing the necessary swimmers to do the deed. It was very disturbing to us both, but Andrea took it very hard as she had always mentioned she wanted at least a couple of kids.

"We could try a donor or look into adoption, love," I suggested after the initial shock wore off.

"It wouldn't be the same, Sam. I wanted your DNA and mine to mix and make our children. Without that, we would be raising something that was only part of me or something that nobody else wanted." She was weeping bitterly.

I decided not to press the point at that time. I hoped after a few months passed she might feel differently and look at it with new eyes. In retrospect, I should have pushed very hard right then. In my defense, I just didn't expect how hard it was going to come back and bite me in the ass.

We went on with our daily life, her growing slowly more distant and me unconsciously following the very words my male family members loved to spout. I didn't want to make her unhappy, so I left the topic alone. Happy wife, happy life, right? It took about a year for the train to start going off the tracks.

"Sam, I have an idea and I want you to hear me out before you get mad."

I figured this was going to be a doozy. I was right.

"I have been thinking and I want to meet your family," she said firmly.

I did my best to not explode. I almost cracked a few teeth, I was clamping my jaw so hard. Consequently, it sounded very odd when I asked "Why?"

"I want to see if they would be willing to donate sperm to father our child. I know you hate them, but it would be the only way we could have at least some of your family's DNA in our children."

"Is that all you have to say?" I asked.

"Yes, other than some minor details."

I'm surprised that our neighbors didn't call 911. I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Not only NO, but FUCK NO! What the hell are you thinking about?"

"I can see you aren't ready to be reasonable about this, but I want you to think about it. I have to go into work because there is an emergency with Ms. Johnson's cat. We will talk more once you have calmed down and decided to act like an adult." She rose, grabbed her purse, and left.

I was too shocked and appalled to do anything else but stand there silent as she made her escape. She had planned this request, I realized, and then skipped out before I could make my thoughts known in more depth. I did a slow burn for hours until she returned home.

"How is Ms. Johnson's cat, dear?"

"She is fine, it turned out to be only some gastritis. I'm glad you have calmed down some, love." She reached her arms out for a hug.

I stepped back. "I haven't. Calmed down, that is. What I have done is considered a number of things. I asked myself if you needed mental help. I asked myself if we needed counseling. I even pondered, exceedingly briefly, giving in to your utterly insane idea." She opened her mouth, but I held my hand up, "No, I let you finish your ambush, now you let me finish mine. What I decided is that if you bring this up again, I will file for separation. Then we will spend some time apart, deciding what we really want out of our marriage. You have the floor now."

The air went out of her. She fell bonelessly to the floor and said nothing, her head lolling forward. I ached to go to her, hold her in my arms, and tell her everything was alright. In the end, I couldn't. I went up the stairs to the guest room, having used the time she was gone to move my belongings into it, and laid down for what turned out to be a very sleepless night. I did hear her try the door knob once, then sobbing and the door to our former bedroom close.

We didn't speak to one another for a week. It was probably my fault as every time she looked like she was opening her mouth, I crossed my arms and had an angry glare. Childish, I know, but deep inside I was scared to death she would bring it up again and I would have to go through with my threat.

"Sam, I would like it if you moved back into our room," she finally said. "I won't mention it again."

I nodded and began moving my things back into the bedroom. We danced around one another for what seemed like eons, but in reality was most likely a month before any semblance of our loving relationship began to return. Even then we were a bunch of jagged edges that could cut if they came together wrong. After about half a year, her Father took me aside one day while we were visiting the ranch.

"Son, what is going on with you and my daughter? You both seem like two cats sizing each other up for a fight."

"Bob, I love Andrea with all my heart, but if you want to know what our issue is I am going to have to tell you a story about my family. They were into swapping, as far as I know only with family members or the lovers of family members. I refused to be a part of it and ran away to join the military. Andrea knows about all this and knows I hate them, but she wants a child with some of my DNA. Even if it is second-hand from a family member of mine."

He looked shocked. "I would have never guessed. I know she wants a large family but did ya'll talk about adoption or artificial insemination?"

I nodded. "We did talk about it, but she is set on our kids having my family DNA. I am sure she just wants to ask them about donating some for artificial insemination, but that would mean we would have to bring them into our lives. As far as I know, they don't know if I am even alive, but this would inject them straight into our life. As sick as they are, I can't be sure about how I am going to respond to that."

"Sam, I will have her Mother talk to her, see if we can get you two back on an even keel. I agree with you about your family, but women see things differently than we men do. Maybe her Mom can help bring her around."

I thanked him in the only way men feel comfortable with, a hearty handshake.

Things did improve after that visit. We began making love again, even looking into adoption and other options. It just never came to fruition and life moved on. I brought it up unsuccessfully a couple of times, but finally gave up. Rather than poke the bear, I went back to "Happy wife, happy life."

A few years passed and I could tell something was wrong. Andrea always seemed depressed and a few times I caught her crying. She wouldn't tell me why and she refused my suggestions to see a doctor about her depression. It was tearing me apart, watching her slowly fall to pieces. She never mentioned it, but I started to get the feeling she was listening to her biological clock ticking away endlessly.

Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. I did something I swore I would never do and called my Father, hoping his number hadn't been changed in the years since we last spoke.

"This is Dave, may I ask who is calling?"

His voice was still the same, bringing me back to the nightmare of my latter childhood. I almost couldn't speak, but before he hung up, I managed to croak out, "Hey Dad, it's Sam."

"SAM! Oh my god son, are you OK, where are you, do you need help?" the words tumbled out of him.

"Dad, I am fine. Please don't tell Mom I called. I just need to ask you a favor."

"Sam, your mother had a nervous breakdown after you ran away. Are you sure I can't tell her? Is there any way we can see you?"

I felt horrible but I knew if I had stayed she would have either corrupted me or made my life a living hell. "Dad, I can't see her and you know why. I will meet with you. Is there some place specific in Austin where we can meet without the family knowing?"

He was reluctant, but made arrangements for us to meet at a place most of our family wouldn't be caught dead at, Chuy's Tex-Mex Restaurant. It was too low class for them, only the most expensive and authentic Mexican places for the elite. Having eaten at both growing up, I could tell them they were missing out. One third the price and almost as good as anywhere else.

I told Andrea a white lie, that I was flying to Austin for business. I could have driven, but 30-45 minutes versus 3-4 hours? No thank you, I'll have the pretzels and the Sprite, please. If this went well, I think she would be happy to forgive me and if not, I wouldn't have gotten her hopes up for nothing.

He met me at the airport. I could see he had his latest toy, one of the newer Ferraris, I never was interested enough to keep track of what name they put on them. I was glad I hadn't brought much luggage, just my old Army duffle bag, as it was not a car made for carrying much other than the two passengers. He kept opening and closing his mouth, wanting to start our conversation and then stopping.

"Dad, we will be at the restaurant soon. Quit trying to imitate a fish." I tried to laugh.

He took it in stride and we arrived. It wasn't very busy during the lull between lunch and dinner. We both ordered drinks and I asked for a queso appetizer.

"So I assume from your bag that you joined the military, Sam?"

"Yeah, Dad, after Mom gave me the ultimatum to either get with the family program or suffer, I chose to head out for the greener pastures of the Army."

"I am so sorry we drove you away, Sam. I wish I would have stood up to her, but she was always the one in charge. It was only after you left and I saw what I had allowed her to do that I realized that I no longer truly loved her."

"I wish I could believe that, Dad, but I had to shut ya'll out of my life for my own sanity." I lowered my voice, "I mean, what family does what ours did? Maybe it was some old money thing, but to force incest and open relationships on family members?"

He looked ashamed. "I never really wanted to be a part of the scene myself, Sam. But your Mother was raised in it and it was her way or the highway. She was the current Matriarch of the family and was set on grooming you to take her place. When we met, I too was ignorant of the history and goings on. When she told me that I would have to follow the family code or we wouldn't be married, I was still so infatuated that I made a terrible decision."

"Well, I don't want to hash over old history, Dad. I came to ask you a favor and if you don't feel comfortable doing it, I will understand and we will never meet again."

"Sam, please forgive us and let us be a part of your life again. I'll do anything if you can do that."

"I can't guarantee that, Dad. I'll think about it, that is the best I can do. I just don't want to expose my family to your lifestyle."

Dad was shocked to his core, "You have a wife and kids? My God, Son, please let us at least see our grandchildren!"

I was almost nonplussed but I continued with my request. "Well, that is part of my reason for coming. I am married to the love of my life, but I am sterile. I can't have children and she wants them to share our DNA, it seems to be the only option she can think about. What I am here to ask of you, is that you donate some of yours to an artificial insemination facility. We will then hope that she can bear children with that sperm. If we do manage to get pregnant and have children, I might be willing to let you see them."

"Both of us, including your Mother?"

"I will have to think about Mom, but I am offering you, at least, the option of possibly seeing my family and hopefully your grandchildren."

We chatted a bit more, but he finally did agree to try my idea. I stayed the night in a hotel to further the appearance of my supposed business trip, then boarded a flight back to Dallas. I picked up my car in short term parking and drove home to await my wife.

She came in, tired from work and with lines on her face from the stress of her depression. She looked at me questioningly, as I sat in the darkness.

"Hello, my love, come sit with me."

She did and I hugged her tightly. "I am sorry, but I lied to you about my trip to Austin." I could feel her tense up and I kissed her brow.

"Andrea, I spoke to my Father. I asked him to not involve anyone else in the family and after some more discussion, we arrived at an agreement to have him donate sperm."

She broke down, clinging to me and crying her heart out. I was happy and bitter at myself at the same time, knowing that if I could have bent a little more earlier, she might not have reached this precipice. I let her cry until she fell into a deep, restful sleep. I then picked her up carefully and took her to bed, covering her up and moving the hair out of her eyes.

After seeing and feeling her reaction, I had to fix myself a strong drink downstairs. The grudge and hatred I held towards my family had forced me to be utterly unwilling to discuss anything about my wife's wishes. I had gone far enough to not only avoid trying the "Happy wife, happy life" methodology espoused by the men of my family, but to actively ignore my own feelings that a loving relationship should be that of equals. I refused to even try to listen to my wife because of that hatred and wasted five years of fully loving one another. I prayed that she could forgive me.

I dozed off on the couch, waking up with a crick in my neck and the smell of bacon in my nose. Musical humming came from the kitchen. As I stretched and made my way there, I could see my Andrea dancing in front of the stove, happy in a fashion I hadn't seen in many years.

"Forgive me, please, for being so stubborn."

Startled, she almost dropped the spatula she was turning the eggs with. She turned off the stove and ran to me, spatula still in hand and happy tears in her grey blue eyes.

"There is nothing to forgive, honey. You had a lot of hate in your heart and it was deserved based on what happened to you. I love you so very much for fighting through it and giving us a chance at children."

The eggs went cold and the kitchen became quite messy before we were through. I am, to this day, still uncertain where the spatula made off to.

My Father was true to his word. He did not tell my Mother and did come to donate to the clinic for the artificial insemination. Andrea did get pregnant, with twins no less, and we chose to count our blessings at two. A boy and a girl, fraternal twins. As a gesture, we named our son Dave, and we named our girl Pauline after her mother's name. Sadly, my Mother sensed something was going on and tried to force my Dad to tell her, but it seems he had grown a spine once he saw his grandchildren for the first time. It soon led to their divorce and his consequent move to the Dallas area to get away from the rest of our sick family in Austin.

I wish I could say I was able to overcome my anger at my mother, but I wasn't. I allowed my Father to be part of our lives, but I just couldn't stand the chance that my Mother wouldn't try something that would end up destroying my family. I guess it was a combination of being unable to control my Dad and therefore losing him, as well as evidence her detectives found out about our reformed relationship, that led to the final sad chapter in our saga.

I answered a call from an unregistered number and immediately recognized her voice.

"Sam?"

"Hello, Mother."

"Why did you cut ties with me? I only wanted you to be a part of our great tradition. Now my investigators tell me you are not only alive, but married with two children. My grandchildren, Sam. Will you please let me see both you and them again?"