Hard Landing Ch. 05

Blue did and they started drifting down. "And pull back up," Blue lifted up on the collective and their descent halted and then reversed.

"Okay, so now you know all the controls. Run them down for me."

"Uh, ok, so pedals turn the nose left and right. Stick tilts the propeller above us? Right, okay. Then throttle speeds up the engine, and... what's the other thing called again?"

"The collective. Pushing it up and down...?"

"Ah, right, 'feathers' the blades for lift. Is that all right?"

"You nailed it Blue, you're ready for flight school." Jo had banked them back towards her dad's farmhouse.

"Really?"

"Well, there's a lot more to it, but you have the basic idea."

"Each piece seems so easy, but I have a hard time imagining doing them all at once! You have to use both your hands and feet at the same time and coordinate everything!"

Jo smiled. "I don't know if any helicopter pilot in the world has gone through flight school without being told that learning to hover a helicopter is like balancing a barn door on top of a flag pole."

"This is so neat!" She was still gawking out the open door next to her. "I guess the only bad thing is that if you're in an airplane and the engine dies you can glide but we'd be out of luck."

There's my opening, Jo thought sadly. She looked out to her left where the Front Royal municipal airport was a few miles away and increased her throttle to take them up a couple thousand more feet, banking toward the runway.

"Not true, Blue. We've got ways. I'll show you." She scanned the skies around them for any aircraft, adjusted a dial on the radio panel in front of her then pushed a button on the stick. There was a short burst of static in their headphones, then Jo said into the mic, "N4077Z, in the clear over Front Royal County airfield. We are commencing an auto-rotation exercise, runway one-zero."

"What does that mean? What are we doing?"

"Well, say we're up here and, I dunno, we run out of gas. Problem, right?

"Uh, yeah, that would be a problem!"

"So, this happens," Jo twisted the throttle all the way over and the engine stopped roaring and dropped to an idle. The helicopter began to descend. Quickly.

"EEP! Jo, what are you doing?"

"This is called an auto-rotation. Normally the engine spins the blades and blows wind down through them to lift us up, right?" Out of the corner of her eye she saw Blue grabbing her seat. "So now the engine is 'dead'. It's not actually dead, I could spin it back up pretty quick if we had to, but say it's dead. We're falling. So instead of the engine forcing air down through the rotors, I'm using the air flowing back up through the blade as we fall to keep them spinning. See that gauge, second from the top on the left? That says "ROTOR"? I just need to keep that RPM level in a certain range.

Little Voice chimed in as he always did, "Three-thousand AGL, rate of descent twelve-hundred FPM. Airspeed forty knots. Runway lined up and you're on the path. Two minutes, thirty seconds."

"But we're falling!"

"Relax Blue, this is just a math problem. So, the inside part of the rotor disc moves slower than the outside, right? That's just geometry."

"But Jo, we're fallllliiing!!

"Twelve-hundred AGL, thirteen-hundred FPM, twenty-five knots. One minute. You're in the groove."

"We're okay, Blue. Trust me. The outside tips of the blade are providing drag, slowing us down, but the inside parts are taking the air coming up at us, and forcing the rotor to spin. Now, if I let them spin too fast, they'll actually fly apart. So, math problem. Keep the blades spinning fast enough to slow us, but not fast enough to break. That requires maintaining the correct feathering, the correct forward airspeed and the correct rate of descent. With me?"

"No, but you go ahead and do what you need to do to stop us Jo!"

"Four hundred AGL. Start slowing your descent, eight hundred FPM."

She smiled. "I'm doing it. Maintaining all these factors is called staying in the envelope. As long as I keep the numbers in a narrow range, then we're fine." The ground was coming up to meet them quickly as they crossed the end of the runway, a big "10" painted on the cement.

"How is this fine?!" They were less than two hundred feet above the runway.

"I've used the drag from the outside parts of the blades to slow our descent, and now I do this." She lifted up on the collective and pulled back on the stick and they slowed dramatically as they came down towards the surface of the runway. As Jo brought up the nose and pitched the rotors, the helicopter started trading downward movement for a forward glide, smoothly decelerating until the metal skids of the undercarriage gently scraped along the concrete of the runway and they came to a stop.

Blue was breathing heavily and had a death grip on her seat. Jo waited for the inevitable explosion. "What the fuck were you doing!" or "Are you crazy?"

Blue let go of the seat and turned to Jo. She braced herself.

"That. Was. So cool!" Jo blinked. "That was like the best roller coaster! Could you teach me that? How long does it take to learn to do that?"

"Uh, I mean they teach everyone that in flight school, but it takes a long time to master it."

"I bet! You were so smooth and we just glided in!" Blue gushed. "'I had no idea a helicopter could do that, that was so neat!"

"Yeah... neat. Um okay, I need to clear the runway in case there's any planes who want to come in." She throttled up, lifted them back up into the air and headed back towards Dad's farm.

"Well, that plan of yours worked for shit Collins. Now what?"

I have no idea, Jo thought.

Jo's final big fuck up happened just after lunch.

JILL

I'd had an idea the day before, so I asked Steve to keep Jo distracted for a bit right after lunch so I could go to the barn by myself to work out something. I'd been messing around for about forty-five minutes when Jo walked in.

"Hey Blue, I was looking for you. What are you doing out here?"

"Just working on a thing."

"Okay. Uh, Steve's planning on leaving right after dinner." She sounded as sad as I felt.

"C'mere." I was sitting at the piano. "We should talk, but I want to do something first."

Jo came over and I had her sit next to me on the bench.

"Blue, what..."

"You sit and be quiet. I need to concentrate."

I took a breath and started playing the song I'd been working out. It was a totally basic version of the song, just the simple chords, no flourishes. I just wanted the melody to be recognizable enough while I sang.

Sometimes, I imagine a world without you.

But most times, I'm just so happy that I ever found you.

It's a complicated web that you weave inside my head.

So much pleasure with such pain, I hope we always, always stay the same.

My voice was shaking a bit, I was so nervous.

I'm feeling the way you cross my mind,

And you save me in the knick of time.

I'm riding the highs, I'm digging the lows,

'Cause at least I feel alive.

I've never faced so many emotional days.

But my, life is good!

I'm feeling y-o-o-o-u-u-u!

I'm feeling y-o-o-o-u-u-u!

I was ready to go into the second verse when I glanced up. Jo was smiling, but none of the smile was touching her eyes. I trailed off and stopped playing.

"What?" I whispered.

"Blue, we can't do this."

"Jo, listen to me for a second. Can you listen?"

"Blue—"

"No, you have to listen. I know! I know today is it. I'm leaving. You're leaving. I know, okay?" Tears had started rolling down my cheeks. "All I want is for you to tell me how you feel about me before we go. That's all."

"That's not part of the deal Blue. We both knew this had to end."

"I know that! But these two weeks. Jo, I've fallen for you so hard. And I know you have too. I just want you to say it before we say goodbye. I want you to tell me, to tell yourself, how you feel about me. Right here. Just us. Just tell me."

Jo was hoarse, but her eyes were still dry.

"Can't do it Blue. No attachments. That was the deal."

She got up, kissed me on the top of my head and started to walk out of the barn.

"I'm not asking for an attachment Jo." She kept walking. I stood up and yelled at her, "Jo Collins, you can't do this to yourself!"

She stopped and turned back to me. "I'm not, I'm doing it to you Blue and I'm sorry but I told you this was how it had to be."

"Jo, you're lying to yourself! I understand you have to leave me! But if you walk out without telling me what you feel, then you're lying to me and yourself and if you don't stop lying to yourself you're never going to get over this... this... bag of shit you're carrying around with you!"

She just looked at me. I took a deep breath.

"Jo, being honest with yourself takes courage. And you're one of the most courageous women I've ever met. But if you can't look me in the eye, and tell me how you feel, then..."

"Then what, Doran?"

"Then you're a coward. You're a fucking coward, Jo. And you'll never, ever find any peace within yourself."

She stared at me for what felt like minutes. Then she squared her shoulders and huffed out a breath.

"Goodbye, Blue." And she walked out.

She walked out...

I sat down on the piano bench. Time passed and I just sat there, waiting. Surely, she'd be back. There's no way she could just...

I heard a noise outside. It took me a few minutes to realize what it was. I got up and ran out of the barn in time to see her dad's helicopter take off and glide away from the farm. I couldn't see who was flying it, but I knew.

I knew...

I walked up to the house. Steve and Sara were on the porch.

Sara looked as distraught as I felt. Steve looked grim.

"She did it, didn't she?" he asked.

"Yeah. She did. I mean, I knew she would, I just wanted her to tell me how she felt about me first and she couldn't do it."

"Well, she'll be back before we leave tonight. You'll have another chance," said Steve.

"No."

"What do you mean?" Sara asked.

"I mean, no. I'm done."

JO

After she landed the Bell on the trolley and rolled her back into the garage, Jo walked up to the house. She paused on the front steps.

Maybe I should just—

"Just what, Collins?"

Tell her how I feel. She's right. I'm being—

"You stupid fuck. If you go in there and tell her you've fallen for her or you love her, you'll just have to repeat this afternoon all over again."

Little, for once in my adult life. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

She walked in the house. Larry and Steve were in the kitchen.

"Hey guys. Uh, where's Blue?"

"Jill's gone," said Steve.

"What? What do you mean?"

Steve rolled his eyes. "Goddamn you're stupid sometimes, Sis. She left."

Jo looked at him stupidly. "How?"

"She somehow managed to find a Lyft driver out here who was willing to drive her to DC for probably three hundred bucks, and she left."

Jo stood there looking lost.

"She left you that," Larry said, pointing at something on the counter.

She walked over. Maybe it was a note?

It was the drawing from Blue's sketchbook. Jo singing for the crowd. Like she hadn't been able to for eight years. She stared at it without picking it up. Blue had signed it. Not with her name. It just said "Blue."

Finally, she bit her lip and nodded. "Okay. Okay. Sorry for all the drama Bro." She sighed. "I'll be in the barn." She walked out of the house.

Steve slapped the counter. He looked at Larry. "My big sister is a dumbass."

"Yep. You mind if I...?" He tilted his head toward the barn.

"Have at it, I'm not going out there."

Jo stood in front of the piano in the barn.

"It's better this way Collins. Clean break. Had to be done."

"Had to be done," she whispered. She turned her head and saw her dad's Gibson SG hanging in the cabinet. She took it out, plugged it into an amp, and clicked it on.

The first time she'd ever tried to play Stevie Ray Vaughan's version of Little Wing had been the afternoon they'd laid Mom to rest. She been absolutely atrocious at it that first time, really awful. Every time she was home, though, and felt sad, was missing Mom, or had fucked up another "relationship", she gave it another go.

She'd gotten really, really good at it.

No one would ever match Stevie Ray, the amount of soul he could put into that tune. But she'd gotten close.

She stood there, drawing out the opening bars on the SG. Usually when she did this, she closed her eyes, and saw Mom sitting at the piano. Now, when she closed them, she could only see Blue sitting there, pleading with her.

She heard a drum fill behind her and turned to see Larry sitting at the drum set, playing a quiet, soulful rhythm, rim-clicking his stick and tapping the high-hat. She walked over to stand right in front of his bass drum. Maybe Blue wouldn't haunt her over here.

Larry said nothing, just steadily accompanying Jo, slowing nodding his head to the jam, as they watched each other while she coaxed the notes out of her guitar.

When she got to the big blues ending, she turned up the volume knob and put all the pain and heartache she'd saved in her life into it. She had to close her eyes, wailing on the notes, hitting the harmonics. She still saw Blue in her head. Begging her.

She wondered if maybe she'd poured all her tears into this song over the years and that's why she had none left for herself.

As she walked out the ending she opened her eyes and Larry was nodding in approval.

"Damn Jo, you're almost a match for Stevie Ray now."

"Thanks for the backup."

"You should do that on stage sometime," Larry's said, standing up and putting the sticks on the snare.

"No, this one's just for me."

"Okay. Dinner'll be on in a bit."

"Hey Larry?"

"Hmm?"

"All those years you and Suzanne chased around it. How did you figure out it was right?"

"That's easy, Jo. It was the day I finally realized I don't live in tomorrow. I live in today."

He walked out of the barn.

~~ Adams Morgan, Washington D.C., November ~~

JILL

"I'm sick of pumpkin spice," I said, picking my venti latte off the counter.

"Then stop ordering it, J."

Sara was doing her usual check-in visit, making sure I left the house at least once a week. Annoying, but appreciated.

"Can't do it Sara. They have it, I have to order it. I don't make the rules."

"You one hundred percent make that rule."

"Vicious slander. You'll be hearing from my lawyer."

"So, Steve said Jo's been emailing you."'

I looked at my watch. "Jesus, that took no time at all."

"I'm sorry! He just told me this weekend. It seemed like a big deal."

"She's been emailing me since September, before she left."

"What? Why didn't you tell me? What did you say to her?"

"I haven't written her back," I said as I held the door open for us to go out to the street.

"Jill! Why not?"

I sighed. "Because, Sara, they're just inane little emails. 'How've you been?', 'Training's going good', 'We're shipping out tomorrow", 'It's getting cold here', 'I'm not flying as often as I have on other deployments.' I don't give a damn. She still won't talk about anything real or tell me about her feelings. I'm not here for the other bullshit."

"But... You haven't answered her at all?"

"I sent her one email after her fourth or fifth one, saying if she wanted to have a real conversation then I'm up for it, otherwise I wasn't going to answer her again. The next email was the same, so I filtered her address into a folder and I haven't looked at any she's sent me for the last month."

"Wow."

"Yeah. So, anyway what's new with you?"

"Maybe she doesn't want to do it over email, maybe she's angling to set up a video chat or something?"

"Sara. You knew she fell for me, right?"

"It was pretty obvious."

"Right, so did she. And so did Larry, and Suzanne, and Jack, and Steve, and Henry and probably Hank. I didn't ask her to commit to me, or promise to come back to me, or anything like that. I just asked her to tell me how she felt about me. And she couldn't do it. She literally ran away in a freaking helicopter! I don't care anymore."

"Jill."

I sighed. "What?"

"If you don't care, why do I have to Metro into D.C. once a week to make sure you leave the house, and have groceries and haven't gotten like six cats."

"My building doesn't allow cats."

"I'm saying, as obvious as it was that she fell for you, it's equally obvious that you do still care. You're worse off than after Laura. By a lot."

"I just need time. I'll... move on... eventually."

"But maybe you don't have to?"

I started getting angry. "Look, can we just drop it? She made her choice. If she couldn't tell me how she felt then, to my face, even if she did it now over Skype or something, she's doing it from the 'safety'," I made air quotes, "of a war zone. That wouldn't be an improvement."

"Okay, okay..."

"Thank you."

We walked in silence. As we passed the entrance to the National Zoo, she said, "You were a really great couple."

"...I know."

~~ Bagram Airfield, Afghanistan, January ~~

JO

"Chief Collins, the big boss wants to see you in his office!"

"Thanks, sergeant," Jo said. She looked over at Nguyen. "What do you think this is about?"

"Three guesses."

"Fuck."

Jo pulled on her flight jacket as she left the ready room. It was below freezing, as it was most days this month. As she trudged across the base to her commander's office, she wasn't thinking about what she was about to get chewed out for. She was thinking about what had happened before what had happened that she was about to get chewed out for. Blue hadn't answered a single one of her emails since September. She didn't blame her. She'd tried to get more personal, open up a little in the hopes that she'd...

Then Steve had told her over Skype yesterday that Sara had found out Blue had been sending her emails to her spam folder since October. Sara had also said that Blue was a wreck.

"Collins, if you'd just..."

"Shut the fuck up Little!"

"Sorry, what's that Chief?" the staff sergeant outside the commander's office said as Jo came in the door.

"Uh, nothing. Here to see the boss."

"Go on in."

She went into Major Seely's office and stood at attention before his desk.

"As you were Chief, sit down."

Major Seely was a good boss. Almost as good as Major Wright had been to her on her first two deployments. She sat ramrod straight in front of him, her back not touching the chair.

He sighed. "Fucking at ease Chief."

She nervously sat back into the chair.

"Collins, I need to know what's going on with you."

"Sir, if you're talking about yesterday, I apologize and I assure you, it won't happen again."

"I'm not talking about yesterday, Jo. I'm talking about how before this tour, you were my best pilot. Someone I held up as an example. One of the most dependable leaders in the division. And you're a fucking wreck now. Your maintenance reports are always late. Your after-action reports are a mess. And, yes, let's talk about yesterday. Getting in a fist fight with Chief Davis in the mess hall? The Flight Officer said last week you came in and almost landed on the wrong pad, before you dusted off and flew over to the right one!"

She flushed. "Sir, I... I'm sorry. I'll get my shit together."

"I need to know what's going on. You're too valuable to me to circle the drain like this. Talk to me."

She sat there staring at the wall above his head for a long while. Major Seely didn't appear to be in any hurry to move on. He just quietly sipped his coffee, watching her.