Hard Landing Ch. 05

"I'm... I just have some personal stuff going on, sir."

"Okay. Is there anything we can do to fix it?"

"I don't think so, sir."

"Really? Nothing?"

"No sir, there's nothing I can do about it."

He looked up at the ceiling. "Jo, this is the slow time of year here. Everyone's holed up for the winter instead of fighting. We're doing a lot of catch up. I believe that maintenance would enjoy taking your bird out of service for, oh say, seven to ten days and rebuilding both turbines. During that time, I do not believe that your services will be required on this base."

Jo looked at him in disbelief.

"Are you shit-canning me sir?"

He laughed, "No! I'm cutting you travel orders. I'm offering you the rare, hardly seen anymore, seven-day pass. And I believe we have at least six transport aircraft leaving this base daily that accept deadheads if there's room. Do you get me?"

"Sir?" she whispered. "I don't... I can't..."

"You can and you will, Chief. Get off my base. Go to Italy, find a beach and lay on it. Go to Germany and get shitfaced. Go all the way home if you can manage. Whatever you need to do to get your 'personal stuff' fixed. Because after those seven days, I need your ass back here, in top working order. Are we clear?"

"Yes sir."

"Very well. Dismissed Chief."

She drew in a deep breath and stood and snapped to attention. "Yes sir."

Major Seely stood and offered his hand. "Jo, go get your shit straight. One way or the other. You're too good to be going on like this. Now git."

"Yes sir."

"I mean what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Go sit on a fucking beach?" Jo snarled. She was pacing back and forth in the empty ready room. Her co-pilot was sitting at the table she was using as a focal point for her laps, drumming his fingers on the tabletop.

"Reel it in, Jo. You're pressing the envelope."

She stopped and stared at him. "Nguyen, you heard what he told me. I'm supposed to just—"

"You're supposed to take care of your personal shit, Jo. Is your personal shit on a beach? Or do you think maybe it's in DC?

"No, but... wait, what did you say?"

"Jesus Christ, Jo, your problem isn't that you're 'stressed out' and a beach vacation will fix it and you and I both know it. If you aren't on that plane this afternoon headed towards that blue-haired girl of yours, you're a dumbass of the first degree. With respect. Ma'am."

Jo gawked at him "How the fuck... where do you get off Nguyen?"

"I talked to her in Fayetteville, Jo, and I saw the two of you together. And where do I get off? I'm riding in the right seat. When you fuck up because you're thinking about her instead of your job, I'm gonna die too. So are Ehrens and Jackson and Charles."

"I... Fuck, we're not talking about this. I don't talk about this."

"Yeah, you are. At least I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen Jo." He stood and got in her face. "I know you 'don't talk' about your personal shit. But you're distracted. Absent-minded. Sloppy. And you could get us killed. Anyone could see when you came back this summer you left a piece of yourself behind. And I think you left it with Jill."

"I leave this shit behind so I won't be distracted, Nguyen! That's why I—"

"Jo!" he interrupted her. He waited until she finally looked him in the eyes.

"How much more distracted do you think you'd be," he said slowly, "if you had her to go back to, to look forward to, than you are right now, when you're beating the fuck out of yourself over whatever happened between the two of you. More? Or less distracted than you are now?"

She sucked in her breath like she'd been gut punched.

"Go fix this. Or go apologize to her face so you can get some closure and move the fuck on. Whatever you need to do, do it." She looked away. "Jo, you're the best pilot I've ever flown with. You're my friend. And I'd walk into any fight with you at my back. But you don't have my back right now. Get yourself right. Because I don't know how much longer I can go along on this ride with you."

~~ Arlington, Virginia, January ~~

JILL

"Sara, I really don't want to go to this," I said. I couldn't believe she'd gotten me out on a Wednesday night. I had agreed to dinner and said maybe, maybe, I'd go to the other thing. But after sushi, I was souring quickly on the idea of going to a Rotors show.

I wasn't really dressed for it either, just wearing jeans, a giant, baggy cable-knit sweater and my old, worn pea coat. Since I'd become a hermit again, I'd had my sister re-dye my hair back to something close to my natural color, a dirty blonde. My one concession to my crazy hair habit was a small braid down from my right temple, with two strands dyed white and one dyed purple.

"Jill, you have to, please. They'll probably never do an acoustic set again. This is for the tenth anniversary, and it's invite only. Steve only gave out a hundred passes to this, just to the hardcore regulars and friends. And he and Suzanne and Larry specifically begged me to get you there."

Sara had told me that this month was the tenth anniversary of the Rotors' first paid gig. Steve had rented out the Four Courts bar in the Courthouse area of Arlington and the band was going to do an acoustic set for some of the favorite fans who were more friends at this point and who had supported the band all these years. I wasn't one of that demographic, having only been a fan for the last year and a half or so, but I guess having such a giant emotional catastrophe with Steve's sister gives one an in.

"Fine," I said, "But I'm not promising to stay the entire show, okay? Just coming out tonight is a big step for me. And if some douchebag asks me about Jo, I'm out. Got it?"

"Okay, I get it. But I'm super glad you're here, J." She hugged me and I wrapped my arms around her and leaned into it as the Metro pulled into Courthouse Station.

We walked the three blocks from the Metro to the bar. Steve met us at the door, wearing a suit with his trademark skinny tie hanging loosely around his neck. He gave me another hug. "Jill, I'm so glad you could come tonight. It wouldn't be the same without you."

"Thanks Steve, but I'll warn you I'm feeling squishy on the idea."

"I get it. Can I get you a drink? Open bar?"

"Now you're speaking my language."

Suzanne, Larry and Jack were at the bar. Suzanne in a black dress, Larry wearing a crisp, white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a black bow tie. Jack was dressed in a black turtleneck befitting a Broadway stagehand.

More hugs. More me feeling like this was wrong, that I shouldn't be here. I felt like everyone in the bar was looking at me. Steve handed me a white wine that I gulped way too fast then asked for a refill. We all chit-chatted about the inane things you talk about when you don't want to talk about what everyone knows is hanging over everything.

When it was show time, we walked together into the space set up for the performance. There were tables throughout the room. No dancing this time I guessed. Each table had a white tablecloth, a vase with a single rose and a small oil lamp burning, providing soft yellow light. The stage wasn't really a stage, just an oriental rug against a brick wall. Larry's drum kit was there, scaled down to about half as many drums as usual, as well as Suzanne's acoustic bass and Steve's Ovation guitar, sitting in their stands, waiting behind three microphones.

I froze when I saw the huge, blown-up poster on the wall behind the drum set. It was the picture I'd drawn of the band when we were in the Outer Banks. I gulped, looking at the image of Jo, jumping straight up in the air, her guitar held up like a trophy after a hunt. I turned to Sara.

"I want to go home," I whispered. I heard my voice crack.

"Jill. I need you to stay for ten minutes. Then I'll walk you out and get you to the Metro. Okay? Please?" She put her arm around me and made me walk.

Steve escorted Sara and me to a table right up front. Larry and Suzanne sat down with us.

"Uh, are you guys going to play from here?" I asked.

Larry grinned at me. "No, we've got an opening act tonight."

"What? Who?" I asked.

"I think you might like it Jill. Just hang on." Suzanne smiled at me and squeezed my hand.

Steve stood at a mic in front of the crowd who quieted down.

"I want to thank everyone for coming tonight," Steve began. "The Rotors wouldn't have lasted as long as we have without support from people like everyone in this room. Everyone here is more a friend than a fan. You really make it possible for us to do what we love. So, thank you."

There was applause. After it died, he continued.

"We don't usually have opening acts, but tonight is a special night. This act is also someone that, without whom, the Rotors would not exist. Ladies and gentlemen, my sister, Jo Collins." Steve came and sat back down at our table.

My heart started pounding in my chest as Jo walked out from the side to applause from the crowd. My mind was racing. How was she here? She couldn't be here. She left. She was in Afghanistan. This wasn't possible. Was it possible? I couldn't breathe and I was crushing Suzanne's hand with mine.

My second thoughts were to get up and run out. The last time she'd been in front of me, what I'd said to her, what I'd called her... Nothing good could come from this, right? What was happening?

She didn't look like the Jo I was used to. She was wearing a white linen button down shirt with a black tank top underneath, black silk slacks and black velvet slippers with shiny silver buckles on the toes. And she was wearing the choker I'd given her. And make-up. And dark lipstick. And her hair was styled, spiked up over her head. And she had Belle hanging from a strap over her shoulder, the white acoustic Yamaha polished to gleaming, the gold tuning knobs shining under the spotlights.

"What is... what is this?" I was gasping. My body made a motion to flee, but Sara put her arm around me and held me in my seat.

"It's okay Jill, breathe, it's okay."

Jo took her place at the center microphone and the crowd grew silent. She was looking down at the floor. She remained motionless for a long time. An uncomfortably long time. I heard Steve murmur, "C'mon, Sis."

She started strumming Belle, and... I knew these chords. I knew this song. I had heard it on Spotify and in Starbucks and in Whole Foods countless times. Oh my god. Oh my god, she's not... she can't be...

She closed her eyes and lifted her head up to the mic.

And she started singing.

I don't know but, I think I may be, fallin' for you, dropping so quickly.

Maybe I should, keep this to myself, waiting 'til I, know you better.

I am trying not to tell you, but I want to. I'm scared of what you'll say.

And so I'm hiding what I'm feeling,

But I'm tired of holding this inside my head.

Tears were streaming down my face and I held my hands over my mouth as I watched her. Her singing voice was throaty and deeper than I'd imagined it would be. As she went into the chorus, she opened her eyes and stared into mine. Into me.

I've been spending all my time, just thinking about you,

I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you.

I've been waiting all my life, and now I found you,

I don't know what to do,

I think I'm fallin' for y-o-o-o-o-u-u-u-u.

I'm fallin' for y-o-o-o-o-u-u-u-u!

She'd been motionless through the first chorus, but then she started swaying Belle gently back and forth as she sang to me. She was singing just to me. Everything else in the room faded away and it was just me and her and I could hear the yearning and fear behind her voice. She was terrified and she was doing this anyway. After the second chorus, she came to the bridge and stopped strumming, her arm resting on Belle, her eyes closing again, her voice filling the room, making me ache as she called out.

Oh, I just can't take i-i-i-i-t!

My heart is raci-i-i-i-i-n-g!

Emotions keep spilling O-O-O-O-O-O-U-T!

As she sang, I noticed that tears were streaming down both her cheeks. I had no idea how she was keeping her voice steady, but she was crying and singing at the same time.

She was crying!

She opened her eyes again and they bore into me. She started playing Belle again and went into the chorus for the final time.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I want you all around me.

And now I just can't hide it.

I think I'm fallin' for you.

I'm fallin' for you, oh whoa-o-o-o-h

Oh no no, no

Whoa-o-o-no no no no,

Oh, I'm falling for you.

As she strummed the final note and her voice died away I leapt out of my chair, flew across the space between us and thumped into her hard, knocking her back away from the mic, my arms wrapped tight around her. The discordant jangle of strings as I sandwiched Belle between us was only partially drowned out by the applause and cheering of the crowd as I held on to her like I was drowning.

"I'm sorry Blue, I'm sorry! I'm such a mess, I'm so sorry!" she kept saying over and over as she cried into my hair, hiding her face from the crowd.

I couldn't answer for a minute, trying to calm my own crying. Finally, "How are you here? How is this possible?" I whispered in her ear.

She sniffed. "I'm on a week's pass. I've spent the last seventy-two hours straight in air bases and airports and airplanes. I have about twenty hours here before I have to turn around and go back, minus the two hours Suzanne and Sara spent making me look like... Bizzaro Jo. And if I miss any connecting flights on the way back I'll be AWOL."

I leaned back and smiled at her through my tears, then held her face with both hands and kissed her as hard as I could. More cheering. "You look so beautiful. I can't believe you did this. I could tell it cost you."

"You told me having your girl sing to you in front of a crowd would be the most romantic gesture for you, and for the last six months, I've wanted to make us right. Because you were right, about me being a coward. And I don't want to lie to myself. Not about you. So here I am." She looked around and wiped her eye on her sleeve. "And here we are, in front of everyone."

"Oh my gosh!" I suddenly remembered the crowd, who were settling down. I leaned closer, "Ok, so can you and I get out of here?" I whispered, "I need to get you naked very soon."

She laughed. "Blue, I'm just getting started." She nodded to Steve, who was coming up to us to fist bump Jo. Suzanne and Larry hugged us both, and then Larry headed behind his drum set while Suzanne picked up her bass.

"Ok, but we need to go soon." I said, squeezing her again. I started to go back to my seat, but she caught my arm.

"You're staying right here." She positioned me to the side of her mic, as Steve pulled out Layla from behind an amp and strapped her on.

She turned so the mic was between me and her and started picking out the notes to Michelle Branch's All You Wanted, while staring into my eyes. Larry, Suzanne and Steve joined in, Steve doing the electric part on Layla while Jo strummed Belle. My crazy warrior woman was going to serenade me while I had to stand right here on the stage in front of everyone. And I loved it.

I wanted to be like you, I wanted everything

So I tried to be like you, and I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold, and you needed someone to show you the way.

So I took your hand and we figured out that, when the time comes, I'd take you away.

Suzanne and Steve stepped up to their mics and even Larry joined Jo on the chorus while I stood there grinning like an idiot, swaying back and forth, my fingers knitted together in front of me. The way they harmonized with Jo made it sound like there were twice as many people singing. The kind of harmony you get when families sing together.

If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here.

So lonely inside, so busy out there,

And all you wanted was somebody who cares.

The crowd broke into applause again at the end of the song as I hugged Jo once more.

"Okay Blue, I've taken the leap. Will you leap with me?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, as she took my arm and pulled me over towards the mic.

"Oh, no. No, no, no, no, I can't."

"You can do this Blue. I want you to sing Feeling You. You sang it to me in the barn. I want you to sing it to me now. You're good Blue. I didn't tell you that enough after the beach jam. And I'm gonna do it with you. Look at me! We got you." She took off Belle and swapped with Steve, putting Layla over her shoulder while Steve put on Belle.

"But—"

"Be fierce Blue! There is no try, only do. I'm appealing to your nerd instincts here. I'm right here with you. Please?"

"But... Okay. Okay, I can do this. You did this, I can do this. Let's do this."

She gave a delighted little laugh and looked back at Larry who sat at the ready. He clicked his sticks together and counted everyone in and Jo started with the guitar solo, looking right at me. I started a little tentatively, but stayed focused on her and was soon belting out the lyrics, singing to my Jo.

S-o-o-o-o-m-e times, I imagine a world without you.

But m-o-o-o-o-s-t times I'm just so happy that I ever found you.

It's a complicated web that you weave inside my head!

So much pleasure with such pain, hope we always, always stay the same!

When I started the chorus, she came up to the other side of my mic and sang with me while she played. I could smell her breath, as sweet as I remembered. She let me focus on the melody and came in over the top of me on harmony and our voices melded together.

As we sang, her smile reached every part of her eyes.

I'm feeling the way, you cross my mind, and you save me in the knick of time.

I'm riding the highs, I'm digging the lows, 'Cause at least I feel alive.

I've never f-a-a-a-a-c-e-d so many emotional d-a-a-a-a-y-s, but my life is good,

I'm feeling y-o-o-o-o-u-u-u-u!

I'm feeling y-o-o-o-o-u-u-u-u!

After the huge round of applause, the night devolved into a giant beach jam. As much as I wanted to get Jo back to my apartment, we stayed and sang and danced our butts off.

After the first couple of songs, the band started bringing friends out of the audience to sing or play with them. Tables were pushed to the sides of the room and dancing broke out all over.

During a break, I was at the bar, wrapped around Jo like a baby holding on to her mother. I barely let her go long enough for her to sip at her whiskey.

"So, wait... is this actually the ten-year anniversary?" I asked her, "'Cause that would be suspiciously convenient."

Jo laughed. "No, it was like five months ago. Steve set this up just for me."

Steve walked up to us and I jumped up and hugged him. "That's for doing this Steve. It meant the world to me."

"Uh, yeah, sure, no problem." He was looking really nervous for some reason.

"Hey, you got this bro," said Jo.

"Yeah, I know. I know. Are you sure about the... thing?" he asked Jo.

"Yes, it's fine Steve. It's how it should be." So weird to hear her use a first name.

"Okay, wish me luck." With that, he disappeared into a back room.

"What's the thing?" I asked.

"I'll tell you in a minute," she grinned at me.