Harmless Fantasies

A few months later, I was driving home from work one Friday in this haze, thinking about Matt. I had heard through friends that he had been dating and was getting pretty serious with a woman from his CrossFit gym. According to them, she was a really pretty redhead that was about ten years younger than me and Matt. It broke my heart to think about him with someone else, but after what I did to him, he deserved to be happy again.

I could feel the tears streaming down my face again as I looked down for a tissue. Then, nothing. In the darkness, I could hear voices and beeping noises, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't open my eyes. Where was I? What was going on?

Finally, after struggling for what seemed like an eternity, I forced my eyes open just a bit. Everything was blurry, but I could see machines all around me and I could hear them beeping. "Was I in the hospital? How the hell did I get here?" I tried to speak, but I couldn't because there was something in my mouth.

The light was hurting my eyes, so I closed them again and went back to sleep. The next time I opened my eyes, I saw the same machines, but it was darker in the room. It must be night now. I was able to turn my head a little and there was Matt, sleeping in the chair beside my bed. "What was he doing here?"

I was in and out of consciousness for the next few hours, before I was finally alert enough to figure out that I was in the hospital with a tube down my throat and casts on my left arm and left leg. I tried to talk, but I couldn't because of the tubes.

"Just relax baby, don't try to talk. The doctor should be in soon and maybe he'll take those tubes out so you can talk. My God! Do you have any idea how worried I've been?" Matt asked. "I thought I was going to lose you."

I could see the tears in his eyes as he stood there holding my hand. But this just didn't make since. What about the divorce? What about my cheating?

For the next few days, I was in and out of consciousness as the doctors kept me medicated to relieve the pain from my broken bones. When I was awake, I tried to talk to Matt, but he just kept telling me not to worry that there would be plenty of time for talking when I was stronger. Over the next week, the doctors slowly weaned me off of the pain killers and my mind became clearer as the days passed.

I could remember leaving work on a Wednesday evening and running home to take a shower. After my shower, I got dressed for the evening, putting on a sexy matching bra and panty set under a shear silk blouse and black skirt. I then drove over to Annie's house where she invited me in and gave me a glass of wine. We were talking about the foursome she had set up for us with her husband Jim and his friend Tom so that I could satisfy my obsession of having sex with two guys at once. I could remember thinking that this was wrong and that I shouldn't be here as she told me that the guys were down in the basement getting things ready and then nothing. I had no memory of anything that happened after that until I woke up in the hospital.

I never mentioned any of these memories to Matt. All I could think about was how mad he was when he found out that I had cheated on him. Now, since my accident, he hadn't left my side. He had stayed with me around the clock until the doctors discharged me a week after I woke. I knew that we would have to talk at some point, but I just wanted him with me right now and I wasn't going to bring up anything that might make him leave.

About a week after I got home, Matt came in one afternoon and said, "I think it's time for us to talk about what happened. Do you feel up for it?"

"I guess. But to be honest, I've been dreading this all week. I don't really know what to say. I've got all of these things floating through my brain and I don't know what's real and what's not. Everything is just so confusing."

"Okay then, why don't I start and see if I can fill in some of the blanks. A few weeks ago, while I was in Richmond, it seems that you had your friend Annie set it up for you to go over to her house and have sex with her, her husband Jim, and his friend Tom. Do you remember that?"

I could feel my eyes filling with tears as I simply answered, "yes."

"Do you remember what happened next?"

"Not really. I remember getting dressed and going over to her house. But, after that it gets really fuzzy. I can remember thinking that it was sooo wrong and that I needed to get out of there before I did something I would regret. But I also have memories of having sex with them. I just don't know which to believe."

"Well, thank you for being honest. I have to admit that I've really been struggling with what to do about us while you've been in the hospital. They recovered your cell from the car after the accident and I went through your texts to see if there were any clues as to where you had been that evening. When I read them, I saw all the texts between you and Annie about your plans for that evening. The last text in your phone was from Annie asking if you were still coming and you texting back that you were on your way."

"Oh God, Matt. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I've been hoping that all of that was just a dream, but I guess it wasn't," I answered defeatedly.

"You don't know it, but Annie came by the hospital to see you the next day. I'm not proud of it, but that was the closest I ever came to hitting a woman. I can't say for sure if security hadn't heard the yelling and come into the room that I wouldn't have. But they got there before I did anything stupid and made her leave. Lucky for you, she came back again the next day."

"I'm not sure I understand. How is that lucky for me."

"Well, she stopped at the nurse's station and asked if they would get me that she had something really important to tell me about the night of your accident that would clear a lot of things up for me. So, I agreed to talk with her. She explained that it was all true. That the two of you were planning to have sex with Jim and Tom to fulfill some kind of fantasy that you had. But that when it came time to go down to her basement to meet the men, that you panicked and ran out of the house crying. You ran a stop sign on the way home and was hit by a kid in a pickup truck."

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Matt, does that meant that I didn't actually go through with it and cheat?"

"It means that you didn't actually go through with your plans. But, as far as I'm concerned, you cheated just by planning the whole thing."

He was right and I knew it. "So, what are you going to do now?"

"I guess that depends on you, Nikki. I love you and I want to stay married to you, but I'm not sure if I can trust you now. Part of me is relieved that your conscience wouldn't let you go through with it. But, another part of me can't get past the fact that you went behind my back to arrange something that you knew would destroy me."

"Oh baby, I don't know what to say. I want to stay married to you too and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to regain your trust."

It wasn't easy, but we eventually put this whole episode behind us. I don't know if Matt's ever gotten to a place where he fully trusts me again. I think he's taken more of a trust but verify approach. But either he's gotten really good at hiding it or he's not verifying as much as he did in the beginning.

As for me, I quit my job and found another one. There was no way that we could ever move forward with me still working with Annie. I also committed to myself that I would no longer have friends that were not friends to both Matt and me. So far it seems like it's working.

It's been a little over five years since all of that happened. In that time, both of our boys have graduated college and Matt and his brother sold their business. We both turned fifty this year and decided to sell everything and retire to the Caribbean. With the proceeds from our house, we were able to buy a small house in St. Croix and a thirty-five-foot catamaran that we use to explore the islands. These days, I no longer think that I won the husband lottery. I know I did.