Haunted

"Mama, what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to do nothing. If people ask you about it, you say nothing."

"Okay, I'll do that."

She dismissed me with a wave of her hand, and I climbed back upstairs, tears falling from my eyes.

Dad had been absent for most of my life, but besides Beau, he was the only ally I had. We were a lot alike, and he always defended me when Mama was being particularly cruel. Leaving my mother, I could understand, but leaving me without a word? Packing up in the early morning like a coward? The desertion was a blow to my already fragile self-esteem. If my own father didn't love or want me, who could?

*****

"Fuck him," Beau gritted out, hoisting a box up onto a shelf. "And that's how she told you? What a bitch. I bet she didn't even say anything comforting, right? All about herself. Good 'ole Mom."

Even though I knew I shouldn't, I sought Beau out at work and told him the news. My devastation outweighed the awkwardness I felt around him.

"But how could he do this?" I blinked back tears and tried to remind myself I was in a public place. "He didn't even sit us down to tell us. He let her do it. I mean... how is that possible?"

Beau put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed. "Fuck them both, Addison. Seriously. All we need is each other, okay?"

In spite of my numbness, a little warmth seeped into my heart. "Okay."

"I have to get back to work, but we'll talk more about this later. It's going to be fine. Probably even better. Maybe the whole thing will put her in a better mood."

I tried to smile at Beau's attempt at a joke, but I was afraid it would just set me off crying again.

After leaving Beau's, I swung by Victoria's. She'd just returned from visiting her aunt in New York and was eager to see me. I comforted myself that I wasn't totally alone in the world; I had Beau and Vic, and they were wonderful.

Victoria was tall and curvy, and she was always smiling with genuine kindness. The boys loved her, and even the girls found it hard to be jealous of the kind and gentle girl. She had long wavy black hair and dark blue colored eyes that always seemed to be sparkling. I loved her tremendously, and was honored to have her as a friend.

She knew all about my home life and was a constant comfort, even if her problems were different from mine. While she had a happy family, they struggled with finances all the time. Victoria had to borrow clothes from me just so she would have something to wear to school without holes. She had received a college scholarship to the same school I was attending, and we vowed that there we would lead much happier lives.

Victoria was waiting for me on her porch when I pulled up. We hugged without saying a word, and I felt tears seeping unbidden from my eyes. I was tired of crying, but my body wasn't finished yet. After a minute, she led me inside and straight into her bedroom.

"Tell me," she said.

I told her everything about my dad. She just shook her head. "That's wild. I know you said they were having problems, but it's just really surprising. I can't believe he didn't tell you face-to-face."

"Beau said he's a dick."

Victoria smiled sadly. "Parents can be disappointing, I guess. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too. Beau thinks this'll make Mom better somehow, but I think she's going to get worse." Even at that young of an age, I knew there was nothing more dangerous than a narcissist not getting their way.

"Let's not think about that. Let's think about something really exciting instead."

"Right. Tell me all about your trip. I'm sorry I dumped all of this on you and..."

"Oh, forget it. New York was amazing and my aunt is super cool, but that's not why I'm excited!" She did a cute little dance and then told me the news. "Gavin Holmes invited us to his party tonight and we are going. No excuses."

"You mean Gavin invited you to a party and I'm just tagging along. Thanks, Vic, but I'm really not in the mood."

"Hey! No moping allowed. What happened is sucky, but we haven't been able to go to one party together this summer and that's bullshit! This will take your mind off of it and you can have a few drinks, socialize. You know. Act eighteen."

"I don't know..."

"College kids are going to be there," she said in a sing-song voice. "Probably some boys from our college. Think about it."

I sighed, then wondered why I was being so resistant. It wasn't like Mama would mind. She wouldn't even know. I was tired of sitting around all summer, worrying about things needlessly and waiting for my life to begin. I needed a distraction from Daddy, from Beau, from everything, and a party at Gavin's house sounded perfect.

I grinned so wide it hurt. "All right, I'm in."

*****

It was storming by the time we reached Gavin's house. Lightning snapped in the sky, and thunder growled forebodingly in the distance. I felt like the storm was a sign that I should head back home, that bad things came in threes, that this was all a bad idea. It was almost like something or someone was whispering to me, but I couldn't make out the words.

I was completely soaked in the red dress I picked to wear, and Victoria's pale pink top was nearly pasted onto her chest. Gavin would love that.

Gavin Holmes almost had as much money as I did. The difference between us was that he showed it off. He loved his lifestyle. I found him to be an arrogant prick, but Victoria had nursed a crush on him ever since elementary school. He ran around with the same group of friends my brother did, but I knew Beau didn't care for him much. Gavin had mixed feelings about me. He was nice enough to me, but I had the suspicion he was irritated that I didn't fawn over him like the other girls. A few times, he hinted he'd like to take me out, but I ignored him out of respect for Vic and because I had zero interest in him. He was a snake, and I hoped Victoria figured it out soon.

We walked into the house where the music was already blaring and girls were already teetering around drunkenly. A few couples were making out on the sofa, and Gavin stood in the middle of it, loudly bragging about the new car his parents bought him for getting into college.

Gavin saw us and raised his glass. I didn't like the way his eyes ran over my body. "Addy! Vicky! Come over here."

"I'll get us a drink," Victoria said in my ear, then vanished in the direction of the kitchen.

I knew some of the people there, but we weren't exactly friendly. I was regretting every second of being there before I spotted Tom Donnelly. We were in the same group of friends in high school, and there were a few times I wondered if he was going to ask me out. It never happened, and Victoria summed it up as him being weird. He was extremely intelligent and always spouting philosophical stuff none of us understood. Even if I knew he was smarter than me, I was a bit bummed that our connection fizzled.

Regardless, I was happy to see him and went over to say hi. He was already smiling at me from across the room, and gave me a quick hug when I reached him.

"Wow, as I live and breathe... Addison York at a naughty party." He took a swig of beer from a red cup and shook his head. "Climbed down from the ivory tower, did you?"

"Shut up," I laughed. It felt good to laugh. Maybe Victoria was right.

"I'm surprised you picked Gavin's party to make your summer appearance. Victoria here?"

"Yeah, she's just getting us drinks."

"Ah."

A silence fell between us. Then he turned toward me. "I'm really glad you're here," he shouted over the music. "You're the only one who can actually have a conversation."

"I doubt that," I said, but I was flattered.

His dark eyes moved over my body. "Why don't we go out back so we don't have to keep screaming?"

I was even more flattered, and desperate to do anything that would help me forget. "What about Victoria? Let's wait for her."

He grinned and pointed across the floor. "I think she's busy."

I looked and saw her lips locked with Gavin's. They were definitely having sex later. I was so going to give her hell for ditching me.

"Come on. I'll get you a drink and we'll go stargazing."

"Stargazing? Did I hear that right? You're so unusual, Tom."

He smiled and poked my nose. "So are you."

"There's a storm going on out there."

He looked out the window and shrugged. "Must have stopped."

He poured me beer from the keg, then dragged me out into the hot night air. It was a beautiful night, and we could actually make out the stars in the storm-cleared sky. Tom named a few constellations, which made me laugh. I wasn't even sure if he was telling the truth, but I was having a good time.

"So, really," he said after a while, "why did you come tonight? This isn't really your scene."

I hid behind my cup. "Not really your scene, either."

His eyebrows lifted. "True, but I'm expected to be here. Bro code, or whatever."

"I guess I just felt like having a good time. I don't know why you think that's so weird."

He reached over and stroked my hair, which felt so nice. I didn't move away. "I know how you feel about Gavin. Victoria talked you into it, I guess."

"Something like that. Can we talk about something else?"

"Of course. Like what? The theory of multiple universes?"

I giggled. "Geek."

"I prefer nerd, actually."

I laughed harder. We sat on some chairs and he pointed out more stars. At one point, I realized we were holding hands. We were having such a great time that I didn't even notice the shadow looming above us until he spoke.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

I sat up and stared back at Beau's furious face. "What are you..."

"Get up. I'm taking you home." He grabbed onto my arm and ripped me out of my chair. "I cannot believe you are here, of all places." He looked me over. "And with your tits out."

One of my hands involuntarily flew up to cover my cleavage. "My tits are not out, and why can't I be here?"

Beau ignored me. He took me by the forearm and dragged me behind him through the house. He wasn't listening to my pleas, that I was embarrassed, that he was hurting me, so I kicked him in the shin. He spun around and his gray eyes flashed like cold silver. He changed course and pulled me upstairs with him, locking us in the bathroom.

"Have you lost your mind?"

I glared at him incredulously, rubbing the angry red marks on my pale skin. "Excuse me? Shouldn't I be asking you that question?"

"So, Dad leaves and you decide to come out, dressed like a whore, and fuck Tom Donnelly? Do you have any idea how sleazy that kid is?"

I froze. "You did not just call me a whore."

For a moment, regret flickered across his face. Then his expression turned hard. "You're my sister. I can't let you act like this."

"Act like what? A teenager?" I burst into tears.

He stood there uselessly for a minute before putting his arms around me. I tried to shrug him off, but he persistently held onto me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"What the hell is your p-problem?"

"I saw you with him and I didn't like it."

"What? Why not?"

He pulled away so his eyes could meet mine. "Why do you think?"

I could smell the alcohol on his breath, and saw how unfocused his gaze was. He held his liquor well, but it was obvious he was drunk.

"I don't know," I said, feeling helpless and lost. I was feeling like that around Beau all the time and I hated that something between us was changing. I felt like I was losing him.

"You know."

"I don't!"

His eyes fell to my lips. "Should I show you?"

"Beau, what are you..." but my words were cut off when my brother bent his head and kissed me.

Everything stopped. Everything started. All of the secrets I didn't know or couldn't understand were revealed to me. Beau felt exactly the same way I did, and he was telling me that the only way he could. I returned his kiss, shaking and holding onto him desperately like he was the only thing keeping me grounded to earth.

His tongue glided against my lower lip, and even with my limited experience, I knew what he wanted. I opened my mouth and took his tongue in, stroking it with my own. How sweet it was. It didn't feel wrong, or wicked, or sinful. It didn't feel anything but natural and right. He backed me up against the sink and deepened the kiss. I felt thoroughly corrupted and wanted more.

Someone banged on the door, causing us both to jump. Beau backed away, running his tongue over his swollen lips. I was doing the same, committing his taste to memory.

"Get the fuck out of my bathroom!" someone ordered. Not just someone—Gavin.

Beau smoothed my hair and rearranged my clothing, then checked his own reflection. He muttered something under his breath, but reached for the door.

"My sister was sick," he said to Gavin, who stood there assessing us with cool blue eyes.

His gaze swept up and down my body, and I actually began to feel ill.

"Sick, huh? I thought someone was making out in there."

He knows, a paranoid voice whispered in my mind.

"I'm taking her home." Beau's voice was remarkably calm.

"Good idea." Gavin gave me a last once-over, then looked at Beau. "She's all red. And her lips are..."

"Yeah, well, sorry, man. Heading out now. Talk to you later." Beau took my arm, this time much more gently, and led me down the hallway.

I peered over my shoulder and saw Gavin still watching us, something ugly painted on his face.

*****

We drove home in silence and the storm returned. I had to drive because Beau was too impaired, and I had barely finished one cup of beer. I was nervous navigating the slick roads. Rain poured endlessly and angrily on the windshield, but at least the thunder and lightning had stopped.

I parked the car in the street, but Beau made no sign that he was ready to get out of the car. "I don't think it's a good idea if I come inside right now."

"Why not?"

He looked over at me and his expression said that it should be obvious. "Because I want to fuck you."

I gasped and tried not to make a complete fool out of myself by swooning. I tried to think of something to say, but I was completely without words. I tried, anyway. "Look, we're both just confused. Everything is a big mess and we feel..."

"I've wanted to for a long time, Addison. Since we were in the field that night and you had on that blue dress. Maybe longer." He rested his head back but kept his eyes on me. In the darkness of the car, I couldn't really make out the rest of his face. "You know, I could basically see through that dress."

"You could?" I whispered.

He only nodded.

"I want you, too."

He nodded again. "I know."

"What are we going to do? It's not like I can avoid you, Beau. I need you, more than anything."

"We can't fuck," he breathed, more to himself than to me. "I'm your big brother. You mean everything to me. Everything. You're my responsibility, and I can't do something like that to you. It's beyond fucked up. It's sick."

"Definitely," I said, but I didn't mean it. That kiss didn't feel sick at all. None of it did, though it should have.

He sighed and rubbed his face, and I could tell he was exhausted. "I'm sorry for before."

"You don't need to apologize. I love you, Beau."

He signed again. "Go inside, Addison. I'll come in soon."

I did as he asked, feeling torn up and raw. What I really wanted to do was kiss him a thousand times and force him to show me all of the mysteries of his body.

The house was dark and Mama was asleep on the sofa. I took the still-lit cigarette from between her fingers and tossed it into the ash tray. She was going to set the mansion on fire one day. Sometimes I wondered if that wasn't her intention.

My room was cold when I made it upstairs. I tugged off my dress and put on a nightgown Mama had bought me for Christmas the year before. It was dark blue and really too mature for me. Dad hadn't liked it, and they fought over it. I had quietly brought it upstairs and folded it neatly in a bottom drawer, never intending on wearing it, but on impulse it felt appropriate that night.

My cell phone vibrated. It was Victoria, apologizing for ditching me and telling me she heard from Gavin that Beau and I had a fight. I shuddered.

I'm okay, I texted back. I ignored her response and crawled into bed. I couldn't deal with anything or anyone else.

Then I heard Beau's heavy footsteps in the hallway. They paused just outside my door, and I pleaded with God to make Beau come inside, which was a foolish thing to do. God would definitely smite us if we went through with our temptation; He wouldn't assist us in committing one of the most absolute of sins.

Several long minutes passed before I heard Beau continuing to his room.

I shut my eyes and reminded myself why my desires were wrong. Sex, itself, was a sin if you listened to Mama, or to the furious pastor Mama dragged us to every Sunday. My body was ugly and shameful and plain, and what I wanted was monstrous. What was wrong with me that I desired my own brother? Tom had been amusing and flirty, and exactly what I should have longed for, but I would do anything to have Beau. Even just for one night.

The last thought made my eyes pop open. A plan formulated in my mind and I couldn't get rid of it. Did I have the courage to carry it out? I needed to bring myself to the point of no return first.

I touched my stomach and let myself really feel the extent of my craving. My chest rose and fell rapidly as I skimmed my hand gently over my face, teasing my lips, cupping my neck. My other hand went to my thigh and massaged the sensitive skin there. I knew what to do, although I had never done it before. Victoria had told me about it, and I had seen the act in a few movies. My hand, the hand on my thigh, slipped into my panties. I sucked in a breath when my fingers brushed against the sticky wetness coming from the most private part of me, the part of me that I longed to offer to Beau. I explored at first, running my fingers back and forth until they were saturated. I knew about the spot in the very front, my clit, and Victoria promised that if I rubbed it, I would die from pleasure. I understood what she meant, then. The edge of my middle finger gently nudged it, and every atom in my body was set on fire.

There it was: the point of no return.

I got out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair tumbled messily on my shoulders, and my face was illuminated with excitement and wantonness. Whore, I thought, but that was Mama's voice. I wasn't a whore, and I wasn't sick. I couldn't let myself think anything negative about the way I felt about Beau.

I brushed my hair and put on some lip gloss, then pinched my cheeks like they did in the movies. After spraying some perfume and checking the nightgown I was wearing one more time, I set out to finish what we started.

I shook as I walked down the hallway. My knees kept knocking together, and my lips were numb.

I raised my fist to knock but thought better of it. I pushed open his door and walked inside.

He was naked, sitting on the bed and staring into space. Then he noticed me standing there. I prepared myself for his refusal, his anger, maybe even his pleading that I leave. He surprised me, however, when he got up and walked behind me to close the door.

"One time," he breathed, "and then we never speak of it again. Promise me."

"I promise."

His eyes scanned my face, drinking me in. "I'll be gentle," he vowed.

"I know."

He nudged me toward the bed and laid me out gently, as if I were precious and delicate. "You're beautiful, Addison."

I put my hand on his cheek. "So are you."

He removed my nightgown and panties. It was slightly strange to be trembling completely naked beneath my brother's body, and I knew my face was flushed. I was grateful that the room was lit by a little lamp that gave off just enough light to see each other without totally betraying my blush.