Heather

"Did that help?" she asked.

Instantly, memories came flooding back to me. All the shit I was dealing with. The sex was only a temporary escape from reality. What I would have given to make it permanent. Fuck! I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, thinking of my aunt who had died and trying not to cry.

Heather could sense this. "Oh shit. I'm sorry! It was an innocent question!"

I put my hands over my face so she wouldn't see me crying. "It's ok. Really. I know you didn't mean it. But still." I wiped my eyes and looked at her. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this."

She put her hand on the back of my head and started stroking my hair. "Don't be. You don't have to have your guard up all the time, you know. It's ok to show emotion. You're human, Matt." Her dark eyes watched me with concern. "You really miss her, don't you?" she asked quietly.

I nodded, looking away. "She meant a lot to me, Heather. What can I say? Cancer sucks."

She nodded understandingly. "I know. I'm here for you man."

I pulled her in and kissed her forehead, hugging her. "I know you are. And I really appreciate it." I closed my eyes and buried my face in her hair. "Thanks Heather. You've been one of the few people who have. You've been my best friend lately. I love you."

I sensed her smile, rather than saw it. "I do what I can. Love you too, Matt."

I didn't want to let go of her. I wished I could just hold her close like that for eternity. I really liked her. More than as just a friend, if I'm perfectly honest.

Heather finally left at about 2 that morning, after making me a very strong drink. We just sat on my couch after, snuggled up and talking. I walked her to her car, before giving her a really long hug goodbye. In times of need, like with me currently, there's something so therapeutic about physical contact with someone you care about, holding them close and having them comfort you. She's such a good person, and I'm eternally grateful for having her in my life, even if we don't go anywhere as more than friends. I'm not quite sure how to end this story, so I'm just gonna call it quits here. Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it.

That ends this story. People have asked me over the past few weeks how I'm doing. And the reality is, I'm not ok. I haven't been ok. And I probably will never truly be ok. I'm not in a good place right now. My life is a clusterfuck. I think about my aunt all the time, and still can't believe she's gone. I've never cried as much in my life. Student loans follow me everywhere I go. My parents go on and on at me about how much I owe, and how important it is that I graduate engineering school in 4 years, when neither of them went to college, so they know jack shit about how difficult and stressful it truly is. I barely sleep anymore, averaging about 2-3 hours per day. I drink a lot, perhaps too much, pretty much every day, and my tolerance is alarmingly high. I don't get hangovers at all, and it barely affects me. I'm 22 so I'm of legal age here in America at least. I have alcoholism in my family, and unfortunately, I think I might have inherited those genes. I wish someone would tell me I'm fine, but we both know I'm not, and that's that. I write these things as a form of therapy, to let all my thoughts and feelings out, since I seem to be incapable of opening up to anyone but a select few, Heather being one of them. I'm just grateful I have her to lean on and confide in, even if she's just a good friend. I don't care if these get shitty reviews, I just need somewhere to upload them and vent my frustrations. Am I suicidal? It's hard to say. I do think I'm depressed to be honest, but I'm not sure I could go through with killing myself. I've never told anyone I think I might have depression, but I think Heather has guessed, maybe my sister too. I'd be lying if I said there weren't times I would have welcomed death though, honestly. I'm not afraid to die, but I am afraid of leaving the few people I care about behind. I've got my car(s), Heather, my sister, and my best friend Nate, and that's about it. Maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe not. Fuck it. All I can do now is keep pushing forward and see where I end up.