All Comments on 'Heaven (Book 2 of Hell)'

There is only one criticism i have for this. The villain's of your stories are.... Cartoonishly evil. They are always just wham evil no context no nothing just evil. You are getting better at giving your characters a more rounded feel all around but you really need to work on the bad guys more. A good villain can cary even a mediocre story to to good or even great status. Keep writing and keep up the good work.

RoE

This was good!

Shame it is only two chapters, but still a great story!

Absolutely awesome ! ! Both stories very, very, very well written. Hope for more !

Really looking forward to reading more.

Very well done Monty! A great conclusion!

Good story, not as good as the first one. Something seemed to be missing.

Like the idea of the settlement being a checkpoint for the real world.

Maybe that could of been left for a 3rd chapter, the 2nd chapter just focus on rescue Edith, better defence due to bandits, the agreement with the Bridge Watchout and maybe teaching them the settlement to reinforce the bridge.

3rd chapter would the deal with clearing out bandits in the city area and placing poster saying join Heaven or Bridge, also expanding the settlement and then dealing with the real world.

Sorry this is super long, love your stories just thought constructive feedback could help.

Another great story. Can't wait for the final part. Let me guess, Paradise?

Great first two chapters. Really hope it gets another to finish it off. There's even the potential for more with him going into the other simulations that aren't doing so well

Good stuff with both stories - thank you for writing them. I thought I had identified a glaring plot problem ... until page 15 of this story - When you wrote about an Australian Politician leading and helping people, I scoffed. Obviously I know the full story now :) - I look forward to more great stories from you.

This was a great 2 part series. I agree, with a couple of the other commenters, there should be a 3rd chapter.

Alright, hopefully future commenters see this. YES! THERE WILL BE A PART 3!!!

I can't wait for Part 3 !

Amazing cant wait for the next part

I loved this story.

Things I would love to see more of:

Since this is technically set in a game environment, I kept waiting for you to collect various animal kills ect and get uncommon or rare items. You went into great detail in the first chapter about looting corpses, and the quality of items, and then never really went anywhere with it? I really wanted a lot more gathering items and finding loot boxes, and WHY did he not ever upgrade his animals and make a habit of collecting his points from the animals daily?

I just can't like the story really needed more Gameplay in it.

But otherwise LOVED the concept, and can't wait for Chapter 3!!!

TBH I would love this series to be made into a TV series. I would Totally binge watch it!

A good story but a bit too dark for my tastes.

Loved it and will wait patiently for ch. 3

Amaizing sorry. I am so glad you decided to continue it. Thank you.

You have single-handedly cost me so much sleep from staying up late reading your stories.

Thank you so much for the time and effort it took to write these two Books and for posting them for all of us to be able to read for free! I really enjoyed the story.

There were several things that could have done with more expansion (as has been mentioned by other commenters). Finding rare loot boxes and upgrading the pets, for example. Dream Drive is one of my favorite stories on Lit. I love these blending of a virtual gaming world and reality stories. I wish there were more! Thanks again!

Excellent chapter, full with adventure, drama, suspence and romance. The characters were better described this time, and better developed than in Hell. The battle by the end was epic. Although I have to agree with a previous comment that Fletcher was so evil, that it was over-the-top cartoon-stupid evil, and it's hard to understand why so many people would follow him... But insanity never makes much sense, so... I hope he suffered a long and painful death and will never come back.

With the revelation by the end, and the upcoming menace by the inbred mutants, this story will certainly need a final chapter to properly end. So sad about Edith, for what she went through in-game and in real life. Hopefully Ryan and 'Cyber-Edith' can do something good for her human body.

I'll list here some errors with the narration that I found. Maybe they'll be of use for you, before you decide to publish it in other media/platform.

SMALL ERROR:

• The paragraph starting with: “Lashing out with quick jabs the closest men...” There was a switch from 1st to 3rd and back to 1st-person narration.

CONTINUITY ERRORS:

• Leaving ‘Heaven’ for the first time to check the rebuilding skyscraper and the people working on it: “Moo was going to be ploughing the fields with her father Norman today. Clarabelle, being the largest of the trio, was going to be hauling a large cart. With one exception.” Because she was going to do it armored in a military saddle. The group moved with the armored Clarabelle and the cart through ‘Heaven’, but when they left, Ryan was mounted over an armored Norman instead, and the story countinued from there that way (Clarabelle became Norman until they returned).

• When Ryan landed with the terradon and dismounted, before Carla was introduced in the story for the first time, Ryan was stopped by the scream of someone: “"STOP!" Someone screamed.” And the same voice keep warning Ryan to stay away until Carla stopped that screaming person. Shortly later, Ryan entered the place and saw everyone inside: “The crowd of people were a healthy collection of men, women, old and young alike. Considering the glare from a stocky, middle aged man, I figured he was the one who was trying to rally the others to attack me.” The next morning, a group of people was captured and Ryan helped with the rescue. One of the women captured was held with a sword on her neck before she was saved, and thanked Ryan: “She was older and I recognized her as the one who had the sword put to her throat. Come to think of it, that was the one I was speaking to. So whatever lingering doubts I had vanished after that point.” The stocky, middle aged man became the captured older woman.

• “With a grin I burst out into the sunlight as Claire and Edith were climbing up into the saddle.” Claire wasn't with Edith, it was Felice.

• Corrine was called “Coring” at some point.

• During the final attack, when the mules broke the gate and Polly fell: “As I closed, I watched as Claire threw herself to one side. I was about to start yelling when she hauled up and I spotted Claire climbing into the saddle with her.” This line is a little weird. The girl climbing was Polly when grabbed by Claire. It sounds better if it was: “As I closed, I watched as Claire threw herself to one side. I was about to start yelling when she hauled up and I spotted Polly climbing into the saddle with her.”

• When Henrietta opened the first tent: “I spotted her shoulders slump, even in the armour and I knew it wasn't bad.” It was the opposite, it was really bad, that's why Henrietta's shoulders slump (which is not the same as ‘relaxed’). In the same paragraph Ryan said so, when he entered the tent and saw what was inside.

I was going to leave a detailed criticism of some errors but it looks like @Angel_Azrael beat me to it. So this won’t be detailed. One of my concerns is that between this chapter and Hell, Ryan is told he was the highest ranking government officer left and thus in charge. But what that means is changed several times during the story. He’s supposed to be a mayor, a government representative, and at the end here, it seems that he was actually a bodyguard for a powerful civilian who had government officers in her control. Looking at it from the characters POV, why wouldn’t he question Edith about these conflicting statements? In reality, he still doesn’t know who he is outside of the simulator since his along with everyone else had their memories wiped.

Some of the scenes you wrote were a little difficult for me to visualize. I don’t know if this would help you, I took a creative writing class many, MANY years ago and one lesson I remember the instructor had us do was take a picture and write a description of it. You then gave that to someone else and they had to try to recreate the picture from your description. Personally I learned that how I saw things and describe them are not universal to everyone. Maybe when you write different scenes, you can have a beats reader try to draw it out with stick figures and see if it matches what you visualize for the scene? It might give you some good feedback and even different ideas for the story.

The simulator is a good way to determine what one’s personality is now and I can see it being used as a tool to teach some how to be better person. But it will also help find those like Fletcher who are not interested in society or even continuing the human race. So what would happen to them? Keep them in storage and use them for their genetic material to repopulate?

With the way you have done this story world build, you must realize that you can create many more stories from this colony alone. But I have a thought for your consideration. If you have any writing partners/close friends, how about letting them try a storyline from a different colony that you can then use for Ryan’s group to discover. This way you get a different POV of survival and explore a different set of circumstances that you might not have thought about on your own. Just a thought.

If you are going to continue this story, there’s some interesting and serious changes that you need to look at such as:

1. The emotional, mental, psychological, physical, and spiritual trauma the survivors have will need to be evaluated and treated. Who or what is able to do this?

2. The memory of the surviving population is still gone even after going through the simulator so what real life skills are they going to need to relearn? And again, how and who will teach them? How long will it take to learn?

3. What equipment is in the facility? What condition are they in? What supplies do they lack?

4. While Ryan has been given a glimpse of the outside world now and knows that there’s canibalistic/mutated humans that have tunneled into this Noah’s Arc of sorts, what is the next step in the storyline? Is it rebuilding the past human civilization? If the world have evolved so much during their stasis, why not look into evolution of the current survivors to this new world? You already introduced classes in the simulator, could there be a way to actually encode this into the body of the person and not just in the game?

5. If you were to take the approach in number 3 and 4, you could have some drastic differences in humanity like with what the 2002 movie of The Time Machine did. Actually you could probably have that with the current situation too…🤔

Anyway these are some things that I wanted to share. Thank you for your work and sharing this story. I found it very intriguing and enjoyed it immensely.

I hate waiting on your stories Monty lol. This one’s probably my fav

Awesome story! There seems to be so much more story to still tell though. I can't wait for book 3!

Another continuity error:

I'm fine," she smiled. "I heard what you were saying and... I don't know if he would have actually hurt me. But thank you for making me feel safe while I work here."

"What's your name?"

"Melissa," she replied.

On page 3:

"I don't know if I should thank you or ask you to leave most nights," Amy, the serving girl who had been on the receiving end of an unwanted advance, said.

You're a good writer, but the macro details often slip through your hands - something that's easy to have happen when you're writing a long story like this. (Especially when you're stirring so many different pots at once.)

For this, I have two suggestions:

1) Use a novel-writing program like Scrivener. It's nice to be able to keep track of characters and write little notes about them and easily shift around scenes and the like.

2) Find yourself an editor. I know that's easier said than done, but when you're publishing books, having so many errors that the reader notices is going to pull their heads out of the story.

Anyways, that's not saying this isn't a fantastic story, or that you aren't a good writer. You consistently come up with interesting premises and good worldbuilding, and your action scenes are gripping.

I came looking for simple erotic literature to pass the time, but your writing left me invested in both the storyline and the characters within. A truly interesting premise. Can't wait to read your other material, and would love to see you continue developing this particular world as well.

I really enjoyed this story! It took me a few late nights to get through it all and I'm glad I did. I'm looking forward to part 3.

I am so glad o went hunting in the comments to see if the author had posted anything. It's 3am. I've just binged part 2 for the first time, after binging part one for the 3rd. I literally cannot wait for part 3. Your stories are officially considered part of my wall of fame, and I do not say that lightly.

Amazing stuff and loved it. You always seem to be able to come up with some great story ideas and be able to convey them across to us. Yes there are a few errors from time to time that can be a little annoying but in general i think your work is typically of a vey good standard.

There's a comment quite a while back from batd about your work costing them hours of sleep :) and i must say that he's dead right - I have huge issues putting the laptop down and going to get some sleep....!!

Hoping you do write a third part as it would be great to hear how they go about rebuilding and the issues with the screening of people within the game before waling them....

Many thanks for sharing your work with us all...

This is my favorite of yours and I don’t mean to knock any other story with that comment. It’s just that enjoyable. Can’t wait for part 3 (finally)! 💖

I love this story and can't wait for part 3! Thanks for sharing such great stories!

Moar

This was my 3rd time reading this story. Love it as much as the first time. Still waiting for part 3, great read Monty

Mike

More plez?? :)

An "extended Epilogue" would be welcome good sir as a Part III. Indeed, it would be, "kinda hot".

You are a phenomenal story teller. Thank you for sharing your talent!

There has to be a part three. Please????

Pretty darn epic! Including the critters!