Heel and Toe

"Reg, I hope I'm not pushing past some unspoken boundary here. You just mentioned that Devon may join us in a few weeks. Is that true too?" Marta was trying very hard to let me know she wasn't trying to score points, she just really wanted to know if she might be able to see her daughter again soon.

"Let's wait for the ride back before we broach any subject that could become too heavy. I have my marriage back to the point where she and I are working together. The hurt and guilt are still very much there. I don't want to put you in any sort of a situation where you might be tempted to use my wife as bait and blow apart all the progress we've made. But I really don't see that happening here with these people. I met your daughter through these races. You and your husband loved them, I do too. We ran in different circles originally, but eventually we were all right here together.

"You want to do something with us, you know and love this, and so do I. If we can share this, then yes Marta, I think it paves the way for all three of us to share it. And from there other things. But I don't want you worried about what I will enjoy. I don't want to think you're trying to manipulate me, that would be a disaster. Let's focus on enjoying the day and the people, growing together again honestly and systemically. That would be best for me as far as trying to blaze a new trail. You and I have something in common to share and build on, let's see if we can.

I added, "You worked against me and your daughter in order to spend more time with us, that doesn't make sense to me. And it was all so unnecessary. Let me build up trust between us, and if your daughter and I make it, things will be better for everyone."

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head at my statement that divorce was still an option.

"Yeah. Sorry, the meat market was never needed," I concluded.

"I'm sorry, Reggie, so sorry."

"I'll consider having us all together just as soon as I won't freak out or it won't push me more towards divorce. Frankly, you have to prove yourself. And if my wife wants to save our marriage, I need all her time right now. I need her to concentrate on saving our marriage by figuring out how she could so quickly leave me behind, and fight like hell beside me to save us."

"Reg, c-could I talk to her sometimes? Or you? I know you hate me, but I need direction. I'm lost without my husband, and you were right that night; James must be spinning in his grave over what I've done to our daughter."

I touched her hand, "I'll make you a deal, talk to just me now, as of right now call me anytime. You don't have to wait until something is broken anymore. If today goes well, we'll go to the sports car races. Let's see how you like that. Maybe in a bit we can bring my wife. I'll do my best for you, but you bring your best self! Stop trying to see how low you can sink. You need to be uplifted not pulled down. Your own attitude can determine a tremendous amount of how you fare."

* * * * * *

The day at the race went well. Marta reconnected with some old friends that had been at her husband's funeral, and a number from happier times gone by. They took her in as what she was: an old and valued friend. On the drive back home, we talked like old friends too. She was so happy. I had some other news for her.

"Marta, you know as a past competitor and owner of a sanctioned classic car we can do the parade events."

She glowed for a moment thinking of it and probably reliving a moment doing that with James. The smile on her face dimmed a bit, "I could never drive the car. I always saw it as more Jame's, I'd be petrified to dent it."

I had a reply and a follow up. I tilted my head towards her letting her know my intentions were warm not chastising, "Knowing James as I did, I think he and I were of a mind on the subject. He didn't want to scratch the Aston Martin backing it into the garage. However, if it got an honest dent on the track then it was a war wound with a story and part of the car's character and history. He didn't want to drive it beyond his limits and have the car suffer as a result, but racing is all about pushing limits. In other words, if you drove the car for enjoyment or in a race and banged fenders or some other such thing, he would love it! Perhaps he would fix it beyond the minimum, perhaps not. He would want you to enjoy the car. If you really wanted to sell it, he'd put your desires way over the car, thus he would support that too. In other words, I'm sure James would rather you do something with it, even use it to gather groceries, than let it just sit."

Now I changed my tone emphasizing that this next part was important, "And Marta, that's how James would want you to approach life too. He would want you to live, not shelter away in the dark, nor if I may, do something stupid and beneath yourself either. Scratch the car getting groceries, not being either careless or over cautious. See?"

"Look, there are tiny collisions sometimes on the parade circuit where the old cars simply drive the track between feature races, yet it's always wonderful to see the old cars out there. It's a far cry from entering in a vintage race."

Marta was deep in thought. The back of her hand rubbed the bottom of her chin. "I love the idea Reggie but I'm not a racer. I loved a racer. There's a big difference."

I had anticipated this and I was ready, "Here's my follow up: I still have my racing certificate. That's more than you need for a parade event. I used to be quite competitive racing in lower divisions. James and I placed well when we competed together. Listen Marta, I think you'd enjoy the parade circuit, I know your friends would love it, you should consider it. I can also offer you another way to make it happen. If you really don't want to drive, I really am good enough to get us around the track and not wreck."

Marta's head swiveled around so fast I feared a trip to urgent care. She stared at me for a while as if she heard wrong. Now she was looking like she couldn't have heard correctly, which melted into, "I heard you, but I can't believe it".

She tried to respond barely choking out audible words, "I-I know you're better than that! You're a more accomplished racer than my James." She stopped just looking at me. "You would really do that? You would take out our car ... and drive me in the parade events?" The open mouth was back. She'd upped the ante this time with huge incredulous eyes.

"Marta, it's not exactly a sacrifice, a DBR1 is a beautiful car. A car like yours even won Le Mans. Yours isn't set up as a full racer, but it will grace any road or track it's on. And Marta, think about it: a classic car with a classically beautiful woman inside? Like I said, I'm not sacrificing."

Her eyes burned with a passion I didn't yet understand, "Yes, you are! You have a newer car that should become a classic at home. And I took her out joyriding, did things against her heritage and contrary to what she's set up for. I swear to you I only did it because I was lonely and lost. Since my blow up, my other kids have stepped up their contact with me, that's something I have the feeling you and Devon had something to do with. You're making quite the sacrifice to come out with me, especially when you could be spending time with your beautiful wife healing the damage I caused."

My mouth contorted as I gathered the best words, "I don't like the damage you caused any of the three of us. Look, I had to put Devon first, that took a couple months, you can't complain we weren't engaged with you those months after the stunts you pulled. Devon wants answers too. She knows she was torn between the two of us. I get that but she never should have been put in that position. What I don't get is how she could be drawn in by that guy! Intrigued yes, having some fun, some laughs, and some dancing, sure. Her marveling at how well he knew her, when you were slipping him crib notes the whole time, I could see. But she either got a crush on him or melted under some sort of attraction. I need to know which, as well as why she kept melting and acted on the crush or attraction.

"Devon says she was stopping things with him; I'll never know due to my intervention. I tell you what vexes me Marta. As you pointed out, it's evil for any man to see his woman in photographs like I've seen. She says he had his hands on her, the one picture gives proof of that, and also that she was inviting it, which she swears she didn't. The next set of photos once the car door is closed are inconclusive. I can see in some where the angle seems wrong for sex and others where it seems like that's exactly what could be going on. If I wanted to damn her, I could make the photos do that.

"I want to exonerate, but even if she didn't copulate with the bastard, her simply being in the car making out with the guy won't let me. Is she having sex? I can't say for sure. They sure weren't in there long from the time stamps, but the damage can be done without their enjoying it or making it last. She was hugging him, kissing him, and it appears enthusiastically. Just forgetting what she was doing for a moment. Her merely doing it destroys me. Her wanting to do it burns me alive. Thus far, I can't decide either the extent of her betrayal or her motivation. She seems to genuinely dislike the guy, She seems to want to stay with me. It confuses me."

I could barely keep from choking up. I stared at my mother in law. "Damn it, I love her! If Devon doesn't love me, she shouldn't be trapped; I'll release her. I-I just have to believe that whichever course I take is what's truly best for her!"

Marta had me pull over, she held me as I tried to compose myself. It was a strange turn of events.

"Oh Reggie, you were right that you were the one honest true person among us. I hope Devon and I are true again. I can tell you she doesn't want him or anything he represents. She doesn't harbor a closet desire to be free of you, or to be her own woman again. I can assure you, she messed up because I messed her up. You can believe her best course is with you. You have to believe it, you must, or the woman you love enough to protect by your own exile will be lost!"

I nodded. I liked her take on that.

"Right now, the pieces all fall together to keep this pattern for a short while. Devon and I are on track, I've been in counseling all this time too. They're done with me until they can make further progress with Devon. I call in once a week to our counselor to make sure nothing has gone backwards. We have our working relationship and goals.

"Devon, however, needs answers before I can have them. She still goes in for the intensive talks with the shrink on the Saturdays that used to require both of us. There's no point in my being there, at this stage it would be a detriment. Which frees me up. You needed attention and I had to show my wife I trusted her out of my sight.

"Frankly Marta, I AM scared to let her out of my sight, it's not rational, but those pictures still play in my head. I didn't show you all the pictures. There are plenty of photos showing way too much bare skin and no underwear at all. She allowed him complete access to feel and fondle her... and more. I believe her to a point, but it's strained, it's highly strained. I think she's been a little selective with the truth.

"It's all so weird. She didn't want to be with him, yet she made out with him. She pulled him into the car, then she fought him to keep him from fucking her. Excuse my crassness Marta, these are rotten acts to me and it's faster to call things as I see them. Devon basically took her tits out at the table and on the dance floor and enjoyed everyone looking. She let him grope and knead the hell out of them if he does it over the shirt, then she gets to the car and lets him finger her. Actually, she said he did that when she didn't expect it and she stopped him pretty quickly in the fight to ward off taking the last step to making their relationship a full-blown sexual affair. I can't make sense of it and, unless she's lying to me, neither can Devon. Keeping her in counseling makes sense.

"I can understand she's fearful of losing me and playing to my fears by accentuating the degree and depth of her betrayal. Although at some point she'll need to come clean or I'll never entirely believe her again, and that sort of doubt will come back to bite us.

"I think she made out with him much more than she has admitted. I think she did get off with him. I think she probably got him off too. Maybe not. I'm not sure they had full on penetrative sex, though it would only take a gentle nudge for me to be there. All of this has been torture for me. I have to work on trust, fear, and my wounds, so I had to figure out what to do while Devon's in counseling. I couldn't stay home and think about it, that has me on the edge of madness.

"So, what you and I are doing is therapy for me. And being with you, oddly enough given the context, is as close to being with her as I can come. These Saturdays can be good for all three of us. I want us all helped."

My mother-in-law wore that "I can't believe it but it's true" expression again.

"Marta, my wife fell first, but you were headed for a fall too. In many ways you did, though you were primed for worse. I don't care if you take a man to bed." I cut her off from objecting, "No listen, you're beautiful and still far too young to try to bury natural proclivities. I know that James and you were quite, er, active. I knew James well. I know how he'd think if he were dead, sounds crazy but it isn't. If you were with a trustworthy man and you both held yourselves to high standards, even if you only acted to take the edge off, James would get it. If you found a partner and shared each other, whether as buddies with benes, or something more substantial, he would approve. Never while alive, but now, yeah.

"My guess is the bar scene was your being lost and wanting to steer clear of our old haunts because you needed Devon for your plans. I think you were also avoiding your old haunts because they held such vivid memories of what you felt you could no longer have. And yes, as a punishment for wanting to be in a man's arms, even when I'm willing to bet you just wanted to be held so you could desperately pretend you were with James. Doing it that way was never going to work for you.

"You need guidance and I need someone to keep the images of my wife giving herself to that asshat out of my head. Why not heal each other? Besides if I had died, James would watch out for Devon, since he went first, I feel I should look after you."

Marta took off her safety belt, leaned over and wrapped her arms around me. She put her face between my shoulder and neck and wept. I held her as she cried and cried, deeply and honestly, and for quite a long time. After a while she sat back and put her hand on my cheek. She couldn't my hold my head too much while I drove, "Thank you."

I waited a while to continue. I didn't want things to be any more awkward, what we'd just shared was pretty wonderful.

I gave her hand a squeeze and began to buckle up again. Marta did likewise and we were back on the road.

"Marta, I don't see why I can't drive us around with all your old buddies. I won't interfere in your conversations. I'll melt into the background. I'll take care of the car and keep it safe while you're with your friends. I'll enjoy explaining the model's history. All that will keep me in a cocoon of things I love, and keep my mind from wandering where it shouldn't concerning Devon. If you don't want to take the car out, I get it, but you don't strike me that way."

"Oh no Reg, I would LOVE to take the Aston out like James and I used to. Forgive me if I look out the other side occasionally as we are out there. I would love to pretend it's James who's still steering my course."

"Rest assured Marta, he is."

That lead to another unbolting of her safety belt and hug with a crying jag.

As she composed herself, Marta recapped, "You would drive me to the event and drive me around the track in the parade laps. I would get to be with my old friends. I'd get to see them again regularly, and sit with them in the areas for participants again?"

"Yes, exactly, and you know if you get sick of it, or years from now as your friends tire of it, or for whatever reason: there's already an emeritus section for folks who have a certain number of races under their belt. It's done by team, and you and James already have that number. So, that's available to you as well, right now."

Her lips trembled. "Oh Reg, I-I don't know how to thank you! And you really would take me and drive the car? W-With me in it?"

"No point in my driving your car without you, is there? Isn't most of the point for you to join your friends again?"

Marta looked wonderfully dazed, "Reggie, it would all be so wonderful. I would love to have James' car out again. I would love to be in it. It needs to have someone worthy and up to it behind the wheel. I love riding in it, it's just I think I would get sick with anxiety if I had to drive it! I-I can't believe you would do this for me after what I did to you." Marta did indeed look incredulous.

I wanted to deflect this. "I'm not doing it for you alone. Your husband would want this. James was my good friend. Sure, we were of different generations, yet we were kindred spirits. It's like that with a lot of groups, racers are certainly one. Regardless of what got us here, the three of us need healing and this helps all of us. In researching it, I recognized that you guys already earned inclusion by competing and working at the events for so many years. Really Marta, this is James' gift to you: putting you back where you belong with all your friends, so you can make new memories and remember him with all the old ones."

She shook her head. It was too much and she broke down again. She unbuckled to put her arms around me again. Though this time I wondered if she wasn't really hugging James.

* * * * * *

I showed up during the week telling Marta I was happy to take her to dinner as Devon was in one of her counseling sessions. And I wanted to take a look at the DBR1 to gauge what work she might need. Marta was clearly happy to see me, though she was definitely agitated. I felt I could be frank with her. So, I asked what she was upset about.

She nodded acknowledging the attempt to hide it from me had been wrong. "Reggie, I want to thank you for seeing me, working to help me, and repair the breech between us. It's just that, well my last foray into the world after James didn't work out so well. I almost wrecked my baby girl's marriage and perhaps that might still happen.

"I mean Devon's in counseling because of me, and I've been banned from seeing her. You're still waiting for your turn to return to counseling. I took her away from you and set up conditions where she got caught in the current and pulled out to sea. It was wrong for me to take her away, and worse to not keep an eye on her after I did. You never wanted to be without her. My misadventure might be over, but the consequences are alive with a life of their own. As it is, one night a week and Saturdays you don't spend with Devon because she's seeking help from what I did to her.

"Reggie, I know you mean well with your plan to get me out to races, but I have some real misgivings. I didn't make a small mess of things before; I blew up the lives of those I love. I'm scared if I hurt my family this badly, what will happen to people who are only friends? James was the driving force of my life. I'm lost without him; I'm wondering if I shouldn't be. I'm not talking about suicide or anything rash, I just mean I have enough money to keep myself in this house the rest of my days. Anything I have is all because of James and well, I feel him here again. I'm thinking maybe it's best if I stay within these walls and just wait to join him."