Heel and Toe

To her credit Devon had to figure out the same thing. Everything I could corroborate seemed to match what she said earlier. To her the affair was like being in high school. That was the mood created for her and she responded in kind, keeping the level of contact at that same high school level.

That explanation presented two problems. First, I did a lot more than that in high school, and second, if the mood created for her had been more sexual, would she have followed along there too? Was she that easily led away from me? Her counselor says actual intercourse would have been a step too far and most likely would have snapped her out of her fog before it happened. Devon said with agony that both times things went way too far, that it DID wake her up.

Our counselor kept trying to use the analogy of boiling a frog by turning up the heat slowly, saying my wife was drawn incrementally into a situation designed to overwhelm her. I returned that if I saw a guy kissing a woman under the mistletoe at New Year's I'd think it was great. But if I saw some guy kissing my wife under the mistletoe, I'm wiping the floor with him. What's appropriate for some is not appropriate for others. Once you've made wedding vows, perfectly acceptable benign behavior for many, like kissing a mere acquaintance under a mistletoe, is now completely wrong. I wanted to know if my wife was capable of discerning not just "black and white" moments but also "various shades of grey" and acting accordingly.

The counselor asked if I thought Devon had ever displayed out of bounds behavior before. You'd think a trained professional would know better. I got a bit loud saying that wasn't going to get her a bye. I never had a clue she was capable of cheating on me until it was obvious she was. Unfortunately, I now knew for a fact she engaged in shockingly out of bounds behavior. So, my not seeing it before didn't mean she didn't do it, merely that I trusted her too much. The consequence of which was our being in that very counseling session. One of the things I most wanted out of these sessions was specifically to find out if Devon had done this before.

The counselor was shocked at my wife's response. Devon didn't hesitate, making me feel she truly felt remorse. She literally got on her knees to assure me she'd never done anything like that before. She promised this was the aberration and not the pattern. She saw I wasn't nearly as angry as I was torn in half. She knew I wasn't there to make her look bad, just to find out what my circumstance really was. I was trying to find any sort of foothold from which to hang on to my marriage. I wanted any firm ground upon which to rebuild my image of my wife.

Still on her knees Devon said, "Reggie, the second to last thing I want is to break your confidence in extending me this second chance. The absolute last thing I want to do is break your heart again. If there's something in me that isn't right, I want to find it and kill it! I need to do that to prove myself worthy of your second chance."

Our counselor without backtracking or admitting she was wrong, apologized profusely saying she now understood what the problem was: that things both Devon and I shrugged off before marriage, were now crushing us viewed through the prism of marriage.

Devon's face screwed up into a mask of incredulity, she immediately explained to the counselor, "What prism? I made out with a man, which is wrong after pledging myself to my husband. That's cut and dried and is actually against the law as marriages are considered contracts."

The counselor suddenly brightened, saying most couples came to her as a prelude to a final divorce decree. She realized now we were both struggling to keep our marriage and floundering at how to do it.

Devon softened towards the counselor, "I think that somehow, I never understood how incredibly much my husband loves me. H-He has pictures of me ... betraying him. That was never my intent. I got in over my head and that was the result. Reg must understand that, because if he thought I set out to do him dirty we wouldn't be sitting here; I'd be picking my things up off the curb." Devon pondered a moment and explained to our doctor, "While motivation and context certainly do count, I don't have an overly jealous husband. I don't have an overly possessive spouse. I have an extremely supportive man. I've made him suffer. I've made myself suffer. I have to be able to explain why I did what I did, so I can convince Reggie we can take steps to ensure it never happens again."

She frowned, then faced me while speaking to the counselor, "Wait, I meant that "we" to show we were still a team and that I'm still committed to him. What happened is on me, I take full responsibility. I need both of you to know I'm not interested in shifting the blame. I want facts because I need results!"

Devon made sure to look at both our counselor and then me to ensure we both knew what she expected of herself and these sessions.

"I undeniably crossed several lines. True, my mother was telling the guy exactly what to do to get under my skin," she shook her head, "and my skirt. I wasn't on guard against someone pushing my buttons, my focus was directed to my mother. Regardless, just my reacting to the buttons they pushed has truly hurt my husband. That hurt is not mitigated but magnified by his care and devotion for me. The pain is worse the greater the love, especially if he loves me even more than I suspected.

"I didn't safeguard Reggie or my marriage. He's concerned that my buttons can be pushed far too easily. In the end there's no defending my actions: I was making out and leading-on a man who wasn't my husband.

"I'm dedicated to rooting out all the whys and wherefores, with a primary motivation of ensuring it will never happen again!" She turned to me cringing as she added, "We probably have a difference of opinion as to exactly where the line I crossed is drawn. I fear I'd feel a little different seeing you tickling the tonsils of some blonde bimbo under the mistletoe. Doing it in the light of day and in the face of the public would largely mollify me. Hell, if I knew you weren't trying to keep it a secret and were true emotionally to me, I might be more turned on by your curling the toes of that hottie with no way for her to ever find out exactly what she's missing. I'd see you as putting the haughty thing in her place more than seeing it as a betrayal of me." She bobbed her head for me to let her continue, "But that doesn't reflect what I did at all. I didn't wink or whisper in your ear to watch me tease some arrogant asshat into a public humiliation. If our places were reversed and you'd been chatting up and seducing some bimbo and going back for more I'd be broken. It's not lost on me the way that scenario played out in real life I was cast in the role of the bimbo. You deserve better, Reg."

Devon put her hand up once more to delay my response, "I think I already have the cure though. I pledge to adopt your demarcation points from here on. As they appear to be more stringent in light of how far over the line I've already trod, my adopting a tighter definition is better for both of us."

Devon made a point of addressing the counselor again, "I also freely admit I crossed that line no matter where it was. Reggie, my love, please search your soul where it touches and intertwines with mine. You felt it as I went off the tracks. You never felt that before. You'll feel this too: I haven't done this before."

She was right. And then she really nailed it.

"We don't have to worry about this being a regular thing. Now that we see the weird overlapping circumstances clearly enough, to know what led me to the threshold of stepping over the line. We also see that the conditions for doing so have already changed so drastically I don't think either of us has to worry about a recurrence." Devon looked grim and miserable as well as highly sympathetic to me, "But we still have bigger fish to fry though, don't we? We have to deal with what I've already done."

She saw the confirmation in my face. She nodded and spoke again, "A big part of those weird conditions was Mom. In my agitated, alcohol hazed, state of confusion, if my mother thought it was okay, then it had to be okay for Dad too, because they were always so tight. That being the case it had to be okay for us too, because I've always seen a ton of similarities with them and us. That's a lot of cascading validation to put in my head. As it turns out, it was false validation at every single step. It's still important to know that was the notion in the back of my head. I was trying to make sense of a situation that didn't. I came to the wrong conclusion.

Devon spoke to the counselor now, "What our job needs to be is discovering why I thought it was ever okay, in any measure, to allow my husband to be hurt. And why, even if I thought it was allowable to some extent, would I ever do it? Those are considerable questions to answer. I can't stand the answer I currently believe and need your help confirming or denying it."

Dev locked with eyes with me as she continued, "My job is not just to heal my husband, but to convince him I'll never callously hurt him again. And that I'll never weigh how much hurt I think my man can stand, as a gateway to actually inflicting it."

Devon leaned in, putting her face close to mine, "Reggie, I thought what I did might anger you, but I never expected to do more than heavily flirt. I accepted that you would make me pay some price, but I had to help my mother. Foolishly I always thought you would see that motivation and understand. That was before I got in over my head, but that's what allowed me to venture onto the slippery slope. I-I didn't think drinking with them, even in a date-like setting would hurt you, because I didn't think I was the one on a date, only my mother." Tears suddenly burst from her eyes, "I don't deserve to be on the high pedestal you placed me on."

I reached down and pulled her off the floor placing her back in the seat next to me. She barely seemed to notice, "I love you Reggie and I understand the tremendous gift you've given me. I didn't realize the volume or true intensity of your love. I'll work and scrape to be as worthy of them as I can be. I want no other man; I want you intensely. I will prove myself. I understand that I'm in a more favorable position in life than most women ever know. I'm not stupid: no man will ever love me as much, or value me as highly as you. I'll work to make sure your gift is properly acknowledged. You will have all of me, every bit, every last drop."

As was happening a lot lately I opened my arms and Devon jumped to me, wrapping me in lovely long arms and holding on with all she had, because the life she wanted really did depend on it.

I felt she was sincere, and that she "got it." In the end you either have that feeling or you don't. Devon had taken responsibility, was open to critique, wanted to better herself, and worked towards doing so. She was ashamed of what she'd done, and she was effusive in her love for me. I'm not sure what else she could have done. We fought as one to keep each other, the confidence was mostly restored. Now we had to heal the battle damage. That was where we were, and frankly, that was a pretty good place to be: no taking each other for granted and completely committed to each other. The trick is sticking it out until you're sure enough. You still have to walk the walk and climb the mountain, there's no skipping steps. Devon got plenty bloody making that climb and never once looked like she regretted making it.

* * * * * *

I wish I could say I came to believe there'd been nothing more to my wife's affair. My belief waned greatly over the next year and half. Devon was beside herself that I still wasn't completely past it. I explained I felt she was completely loyal to me now, and I believed she'd never gone looking for a lover then. But things never added up to the epiphany I needed to completely clear the decks. I still believed more happened between her and her boyfriend. She cringed at my use of the term "boyfriend" especially because that's exactly what I thought he was. I just thought she'd left her boyfriend in the rearview mirror. We'd moved past everything else; we loved being with each other, we shared a genuine love.

Devon tested the water one night to see if I'd gotten better. After eighteen months I'd reached a point, a good one but that was it, there was no motion past that point. We could have lived out our lives there. Devon couldn't let it go though, she'd caused this condition in me, she wanted me cured in a huge way. She tried reasoning with me, telling me that she did "wake up" when things were at their most intense with him, admitting that things had gone too far. I asked her exactly how far things got, explaining it was okay to tell me now practically two years after the fact. She blanched.

Devon looked as loving and as earnest as I'd ever seen her, she reached forward putting her hand on my leg as she leaned in closer to my face, "Reg, I've never loved anyone like you. Not even close. If something happened to you, I'd want them just to give me a shot and put me in the same coffin. I know that's wild, but I've thought about it."

"I believe you, Dev."

Her brow creased over hopeful eyes, "Is it that important for you believe I did more with him? Can't you simply believe in me?" Devon was heartbroken and couldn't hide it. But there was more than disappointment behind her earnestness. I realized whatever it was hiding behind her eyes was exactly why I couldn't move any further.

"I do believe in you. I'm with you and I'm contemplating giving you someone else to love in case something did happen to me. Someone to give you a reason to not crawl in my casket. Someone initially a lot smaller, but louder than us."

"Oh Reggie! Kids?! Really?! Y-You must be pretty damn sure of me then!"

Devon wasn't sure what to make of the situation or what to do. We'd put off our plans of expanding our family until we put our problems behind us. A passionate helplessness wrapped around her like a thick winter coat.

"I am, and it's all in the past. The one remaining shadow of a doubt is that you don't trust me enough to be completely honest with me."

She looked at me with big doe eyes. She was beginning to shake.

"I think you're protecting me, Dev."

"Shouldn't I?" She chewed on her lip. She saw in my eyes I knew she was guarding something. "Oh, Reggie your gaze is burning me. I don't want to keep anything from you! I hate keeping things from you!"

"Dev, I hate that you would keep things from me. It's another obstacle to overcome. Unchecked those things grow larger over time."

Tears rolled down her cheeks. "But t-the context changes over time, doesn't it? Just a little? The heat fades a little, doesn't it? I mean, I was so close to losing you. A-And we obviously had a different idea of where the line of death was drawn. I-I know that no matter where the line was, I crossed it, but defining how far over I was would not have helped then - it didn't help then! I felt like I had more than three strikes on me already. Reggie, I just felt that dropping one more revelation on you meant there was no coming back; that you'd leave me! I told you all the most important things. All the MOST important things. ALL of them!"

Devon wrapped her arms around me and sobbed. I waited; it was time to get this out in the daylight where it could stop festering. It clearly meant a ton to both of us.

"The thing, Reggie, singular, just one, I just didn't tell you all of it, that's all." She looked at me pleading. "Reggie, I told you the most important part about that one thing. I did, I swear! I just didn't go into detail. Do you have faith in me? Why don't we leave it there? Could you do that, Reg?"

"I tell you what Dev, I'll leave it to you. You can leave it right there. I'll keep loving you, remember I always did love you, even when I was angry as hell at you, even when you had a boyfriend. I never stepped out on you; I was always right there, still in our relationship. It's just that my being that constant when you weren't, and my staying pat when you were stepping out, and my being right by your side when you were by his, I think I've earned your trust. It's been almost two years; I don't know what else I can do to earn your trust. I've told you I think something more happened. Have you considered that even though I still think there was something more, that I'm still here. I stayed, and I still love you."

That hit her like a ton of bricks. This was her mess, she'd done it, I'd been true. And despite all her work she was still holding out on me, which meant she still wasn't completely true! She loved me yet she'd harmed me, she couldn't leave me like that, even though she truly feared the cure may be worse than the malady.

"Reeeeggie! Pleeease."

Sometimes you have to make a decision, I didn't want to wander over old battlefields. I just hoped we could finally close the book on this thing. But by damn, I wanted her to acknowledge it was her own fear and lack of faith in me making her keep her secret. It bugged the hell out of me, I was the true one, why wouldn't she have complete faith in me? It wasn't worth reopening the wounds further though.

"Your right Dev, forget it. It's in the past. I'll leave it there."

Devon hugged me and sobbed, sobbed harder than she had since that awful time. As soon as she could govern her passions, she stared at me with an intensity I'd rarely seen. She pulled me to our bedroom and began to disrobe, never taking her eyes off me. Once she was naked, she started in on me, little kisses here, love bites there, earnest frenetic caressing and stroking everywhere, all ultra-passionate. She made love to me grinding herself like a woman possessed. Unlike her arms and hands, her body moved in slow fluid motion, her eyes never leaving mine. Devon had me good and thoroughly, leaving me both satisfied and drained. She continued to make love to me until I was drained again. She kept up her ministrations until I was spent and fell asleep.

When I awoke Devon was wide awake. I don't know how long I'd been out; I was positive Devon hadn't slept a wink. Her head was on a pillow as she intensely stared at my face. She'd chewed her bottom lip until it bled. It was still bleeding.

Her voice was ruled by a nervous urgency, "Reggie, I love you! I can't think of more ways to say it, so I tried to show you. But I see it in your eyes, if I don't tell you, you'll think I have reservations about you. I don't. It's not fair to make you think that, especially when my... affair... caused you to think I didn't love you.

"Please Reggie, please understand. You were ready to leave the night you confronted Mom and me. Those pictures made it look like he was lined up and ready to ... he was. The time stamps saved me, there wasn't time for him to have taken me. And you could see that we didn't really line up quite right." She was quiet for a little bit. "Reggie, why do you think there is more? C-Could I ask that? That would help me answer. It's not always the gift but the presentation, it's not always the story but how it's told. T-That would help me to know how to tell you."

"Two things," I spoke very gently, in a lover's whisper actually, "you said something bizarre once. And it seems to fit to a "T" what you said about telling me the most important aspect of the thing but not the entirety of the thing. You said his seed never spilled in you or on you. That made it sound like he was putting his seed somewhere. Yet you kept telling me you never took matters to fruition. I can't reconcile those statements."

Devon's eyes flooded with tears, she bit hard into her lip causing it to bleed, she paid it no heed. Unfortunately, my thinking appeared to be dead on.