Heroine Addiction Pt. 03

"But Kari, you kissed him. You were in a clench; you were jacking him off."

Tears flew from her eyes. "Yes, but also very much 'no'. He was kissing me. I wouldn't let him kiss my mouth. Barry, think about what you witnessed, I'm positive you never saw me kiss him. Because I never -- ever -- kissed him. Yes, I put my fingers through his hair and my hand around the back of his neck and I hugged him close. You saw me do more for him than I'd ever done before. You saw my hand on his groin, on the outside of his pants, but I was making fun of his size as I did it. I was setting him up for the kill. I was going to jack him get him as hard as he could be. I was going to have him drop trow, thinking we were about to do the deed. Then I was going to laugh at him, emasculating him, and tell him to go away forever. That's cruel, that's one of the worst things a woman can do to a man. I've never done the like, but I was going to do it to Lewis, because well, Lewis isn't much of a man and I simply HAD to prove myself to YOU!

"Instead, I did something worse, one of the few things even worse a woman can do to a man, break his heart by cheating on him, and that's what you thought I was doing to you. I wasn't, but it was real enough to you. You felt it as if it was real. Damn it, for you it was real! It's still real and I can't stand it.

"He was supposed to be there panting with excitement one moment, then hiding his shame and licking his wounds wondering where the flames came from the next. I wish you heard what I was truly saying to him, he was just so excited he wasn't processing it. I was saying it sultry, but the words were discordant with lust, they were humiliating. They were all from a different context."

I thought for a second. I did hear her do just that! It confused me at the time. I tried to listen harder because of it. Perhaps this wasn't just Kari believing her own bull, there may be something tangible to her explanation.

"It was fucked up from the beginning. I really thought my acting heroically would honor you. Now I see it for what it was. I wanted all the ladies to think I was special, and the guys wanting to be you because you had me. I don't know how my ego got so big. If I lost focus on you, and I did, it wasn't because I was looking at Lewis! It's because I was looking at me!"

If I smoked a pipe I would've sat back and stuck it in my mouth at that statement. I thought Kari had something with that ego business.

"Barry, please, you know me, you probably saw that it was me all along, didn't you? It was all going to come crashing down anyway, even if successful. Just as soon as I said to you that I was responsible, smiling over the wreckage of a defeated Lewis, your first question had to be exactly what I did to accomplish the feat. I wouldn't have had an answer you would tolerate in either plan A or B! It all would have blown up in my face no matter what."

"Yes" I said smiling a little. "Whether you left me because you liked him or loved yourself, it still appears you left me. And I'm still concerned that Lewis blew up in your face."

Kari shook her head vigorously, "Barry, I know it would never happen, but if you pulled this crap instead of me, I'd take you back as wounded as I might be, and nurse you back to health, knowing your love would heal me too. I would! Please peer into what's left of your heart, if any of me is still there and see if I'm telling the truth."

I'd never seen more imploring eyes. "Yes," I nodded grimly.

"Then keep me on probation, but PLEASE give me a chance to be with you, to prove myself. I've already enrolled in counselling. I've admitted to everyone in the neighborhood what I did and where I went wrong, and what's truly most important to me. We don't have to stay here if I've poisoned the well for you. We can move anywhere. There are other places you'd like to live. Pick one, I'll tag along! I'll change if you don't like me now. I'll be whatever you want. I'll be the gal you thought you had. I know her, I was her, I can be again, believe me. I'll never have an attack of ego like this again. It's burned me like falling into a pool of lava. I swear it was about me, I saw myself as a heroine. I wanted to take down the bad guy and be a hero. I never wanted anyone else; I always wanted you. I NEVER, absolutely never, thought we wouldn't be together. I didn't think I was endangering us."

Kari had been on the edge of composure the entire time, now all her features were in motion, and she gave her last reserve to keep speaking a little longer.

"I wanted you to be proud of me!"

She realized how ridiculous that was in the circumstance, but it was also true. I had to recognize that she wasn't a model of consistency and that she'd done contraindicatory things.

"Then why didn't you tell me before?" There was a method in my asking this question again.

"Oh damn, Barry, because you would've insisted on being there to watch out for me," her head down. "I could never have done what I did with you around: there'd be too much collateral disrespect flowing your way."

That was actually a good answer. Well, no, it wasn't good, but it was a lot better than she wanted to do it and knew I wouldn't go for it. I found I was interested in what Kari was saying. I still thought she and her actions were extremely fucked up, but perhaps I could get to the heart of the matter enough to brush out some of the cobwebs Kari put in my brain.

Kari was both exasperated and embarrassed by her next admission, "Yes, I can do things to wrap a man around my finger. But I never did that with you! I wanted your attention and for the first time had to fight to get a man's attention. Yes, I used some of my moves, but to catch your eye, never to manipulate you. Because I wanted you to genuinely want me, I had to play it straight. What I felt for you is something I'd never felt before or since. I still feel the same way: I just wanted to be with you. I couldn't manipulate you; you'd toss me out if you caught me being disingenuous like that. Besides if I tricked you into liking me, you'd like the image I projected, but not me."

I said it gently, it had to be said, "Actually, I feel like you did leave me."

She nodded sadly, "Before I met you, I could do those feminine wiles things. You know why I did? In order to keep my sanity. There was a sea of guys and none wanted to keep me for me. They loved the wrapper, not the contents. It felt like I'd have to settle one day to keep from being alone. I knew I'd love my kids and they'd be what I lived for. And then, there you were. The game didn't just change: the games ended. I can't tell you how much you've improved my life!

"Before I met you, I wrapped men around my finger hoping to control their plans to use me. Who would use who and how? It was an awful game, sick, grotesque, and dehumanizing for both parties. It was a way I could come out of my dealings with them with some shred of dignity. It was like a shield that could be engaged when they finally let me down, and I could no longer help seeing I was nothing but a fond notch on the bedpost for them.

"In the light of how you see me, it's disgusting. It's the female equivalent of men who love and leave women. You released me from that. Dear God, baby, I'll be anything for you; demure, begging, wanton, forward, anything to please you. I can be what you want. I can be vulnerable with you, showing you any side of myself, because you protect me, you care; you love me! Your love and protection are the keys for me. I don't mean I can act the part; I can let my shields down and show you that side of me. I-I can BE those things for you! My ego isn't part of the equation any longer, not now!"

Kari didn't notice but Susan was waxing and waning at her every word. She had definitely felt the lows that Kari described, but there were no corresponding highs. She alternately looked at Kari as the luckiest then silliest woman she'd ever known. I watched Susan watch Kari talking to me.

"As far as wrapping Lewis around my finger, enticing another man? I just couldn't be that horrid in front of you. You can see any part of me you wish, but please don't make me show you the most ugly monstrous part of me! Pleeease!"

I was now convinced that Kari believed what she was saying and that much of it was true. There were still glaring problems I wasn't sure she was aware of. That condition had to be rectified before we could forge ahead. I was trying to let her in, to do it I had to go somewhere dark: Perry Mason.

I tapped on the table hard with my fingertips. It hurt but it was worth it for the effect; both ladies jumped.

"You still did this behind my back."

Defeated Kari admitted, "Yes."

"You say you didn't fuck him."

"No!! Never: he wasn't worth it. And it wasn't necessary. The presumption of sex was all the lure I needed. I didn't even have to make false promises. My whole mission was to make him feel used for a change! The point was to leave him blue balled and hanging. I never so much as kissed him on the lips."

"Did you grope him? Touch him there?" Her head came up to face me.

"No! Not flesh on flesh, once, over clothes. You saw it." Her words trailed off into a sad silence. I was going to make Kari see how she was trying to evade the yes answers she should have been giving. She was beginning to hear herself do it.

"Did you dance with him?"

Kari jumped at my question. Her mouth made strange shapes, practically murmuring questions wondering how I'd figured that out.

"Yes," Kari swallowed with some difficulty.

"Provocatively?"

"Yes." She said cringing.

"Did you slow dance with him?"

"Yes," as she looked down.

"Did you let him grind you."

In a quiet voice, "A little, yes."

"Did you grind him back?"

"No. I'd wait, then pull away. I was setting the hook, letting him think he was getting somewhere, then pull away, making him invest more to get back the ground he thought he had. All to set him up for the fall." She looked back up hopeful.

"Did you let him feel you?"

Now her face dropped down again, "Yes, only over the clothes. I always deflected anything further." She looked away, continuing sadly, "But you asked a question, and the answer is yes."

"Did you let him kiss you?"

With a sob she said, "Yes. I didn't allow tongue. He tried it several times. I-I diverted him to the back of my neck or ear. I didn't want him on my neck." Kari looked particularly unnerved at this subject. Perry Mason doesn't miss clues like that.

"Why?" Now we were getting to the crux. I suppressed a smile.

"Because ... I like it to be kissed on my neck. I didn't want anything to compromise me, this was work not pleasure. And receiving pleasure from Lewis could hurt my psyche." She shivered thinking about it.

I understood that, and my next point as well. I wasn't asking for my own clarity; I needed Kari to understand. I nodded accepting her last point, "Well darling, the only way he could try to slip you the tongue was if his lips were already on yours." Damn, Perry can be devastating.

She sobbed harder while nodding. She heard me take a large inhalation, she wasn't sure if I was gathering myself because I was so hurt or so angry. I heard Susan do the same. It made a difference that Kari stopped Lewis from French kissing her, but she'd allowed him to kiss her. Previously she'd answered that she hadn't kissed him. Susan got it completely. She went still watching Kari and me intensely. I felt like Susan was the jury to my Perry Mason.

"Did you caress him?"

Kari nodded again, "But not down there, not his rear or his groin, but the typical flirting places for a gal, the enticing places: his arms, his shoulder, his back, his neck, his ear. That was all, u-until that last night when you saw me do more."

Kari was beginning to see what I wanted her to.

"You put your lips on some of those parts too," I wasn't asking. "When I caught you in his arms you were rubbing your lips on his neck and sucking on his ear. As you let him knead your breast."

Kari emitted a piteous wail.

"Kari, it's too far. It's too much. This wasn't just doing a community service; you enjoyed the thrill of the take down. I also think the contact with him, and the budding romance.

"As far as I'm concerned this DOES count as cheating! Feeling each other up, sharing kisses, chewing on each other in a passionate embrace; that's adultery. You'd done it before in varying degrees. You went out of your way to do it when you knew I'd be away. That's conspiring to do it, which is no accident. All of those are defining elements of cheating. Of an ongoing affair actually.

"You can say you did those women a favor, but you sure seemed to take your time and enjoy your work. Hell, just based on what you've done, if you stick to the community service narrative, I don't see how you could disprove the assertion that you were in the employ of those women; meaning you just whored yourself out for a rotten wage."

Kari gasped at my conclusion, until she looked at Susan who had a sickly expression on her face. One that Kari correctly saw as Susan agreeing with my assertion.

"To me the overwhelming problem is you threw me and us away for that same pitiful wage. You betrayed the love of a good man for the admiration of a few flighty weak housewives. Or perhaps you took the perfect excuse to be in the arms of a handsome man; your only problem would be if old staid hubs didn't buy the alibi. Because then you really have no defense, do you?"

I could tell Susan wanted to come to Kari's defense, actually to defend us as a couple. She felt she had to defend Kari's image in my eyes to accomplish that. At least that was my gut assessment. Several times Susan moved her face closer to the table as if about to speak, only to pull up short based on the presented evidence. Susan was seeing this pretty much as I laid it out. I wasn't attacking Kari, though angry and frustrated I wasn't being hostile. Though she wanted to shout, "I object" Susan could tell I was trying to lead Kari somewhere.

I refused to listen to anything I thought was part of a false narrative or just extraneous. The over-arching problem was that Kari seemed to believe what she was peddling. I was still there because I was convinced Kari wasn't trying to deceive me. Concluding that much of what she said was true, I had to sort out what wasn't, for both of us. We had to see this with the same set of eyes.

"Don't tell me it meant nothing, Kari. You did it knowing how I'd feel about it, and that you'd have to keep it from me. You can't take a job like that, you just can't ... unless it had tremendous meaning for you.

"You knew I didn't deserve what you were about to do to me, regardless of what it would do to Lewis. You knew you were about to exact a heavy toll on me by doing what I'd never want you to do. So, protecting the innocent can't be the reason you did it either.

"I don't know how you can convince me you didn't want to be with him more than me. We protect what we love. You didn't protect me. You protected your chance to be with a man who captured your imagination. You protected the chance to have the admiration of your neighbors.

"You built a stage for yourself to ascend to, there's no provision for me up there. Hell, the foundation was built atop me. The men will just laugh behind my back now and take shots at you because they know you cheat on your husband: the poor, clueless, little cuck."

She gasped.

"Forget the "ladies"; we have enough damage just between us. You kept your mission, or as I see it your dating, from me. You say you love me, but you sure don't respect me. So, you want to help me out? Show me how you do that, how to take away this pain. If I can cut out my love for you like you did for me, then maybe I can stop some of this pain!"

Both women went absolutely ashen, but boy were they listening.

"It seems to me that treating you with the same lack of dignity and respect that you treated me with would be a giant step towards healing my broken heart. What do ya think? To give you a taste of your own medicine perhaps I should ask Susan out for date?"

Both women took unnaturally large gulps. I noted neither could look at the other. Kari didn't say a thing. I shuffled to the far side of the bench to leave. I knew both Kari and Susan were staring at me.

Kari plead, "No wait, Barry, don't leave yet. Understand the truth hiding behind my apparent betrayal. My actions weren't to hide my lust with aforethought that's not what I felt. In fact, I never hid my actions to perpetrate anything on you. I didn't really deny what I was doing when you asked, I just asked you to believe in me. Yes, I know, while taking actions that undercut that belief. Please look at what I was doing the way I saw it. It won't take away what I did, but it should remove your apprehension that I don't value or respect you. I may be the stupidest bitch in the world, but I've always thought the world of you!"

We looked at each other slightly confused. Susan grimaced. I'm not sure that last part came out as Kari intended. But I sat still allowing her to continue. In for a penny in for a pound. To mix metaphors we might as well take that pounding now.

"The guy was oblate, we discussed that. It was within my power to strike back at him and hopefully teach him a life lesson. Perhaps it's damning that I just didn't think through the impact on anyone else, it all seemed positive. I focused on removing the tumor from our community's body."

"That's fine Kari, up to the point where you became the "community body."

Kari grit her teeth. I was scoring big time. My comments stung when they hit because they were true. She nodded in acknowledgement, "I understand what you're saying, Barry. I see your point, but I swear I never thought I was trading anything to put Lewis in his place."

I held my tongue making a motion for my wife to continue.

Kari was distraught, "There must be a way back for you to believe I love you. You should live knowing you have a devoted wife. If you say I should never see those women again I'll understand where you're coming from. If that's what you want, I'll never see them again! If you want, I'll even tell them why first. I'll tell them all. They're nowhere near as important as you are. Really! I'll go down to the main street and shout it. If there's any test you want me to go through, any obstacle course I need to navigate, any ordeal I must endure, I will. I'll do anything to prove myself to you, to convince you I love you as much as I do. Tell me and I'll do it right now. I submit myself right now, not even knowing the conditions."

Good, I had her buy in. I was putting her through a gauntlet to make her see the things I didn't think she'd put enough weight to.

"Alright Kari, this is what I want: I need you to be honest with yourself. You told me you didn't kiss him, yet you let him kiss your lips and simply pressed your own shut enough to keep his tongue out of your mouth. You let him kiss you and lick your lips, yet you looked right at me and told me you didn't kiss him. That was still a kiss. You aren't being honest with yourself."

I decided to utilize society's greatest arbiter of character: comic books and movies. No one could say I wasn't serious about this mess!

"You wanted the sensation, the thrill. You didn't want to be the Batman; your actions are completely unworthy of that character. You wanted to be James Bond. Bond can kill and break laws that others must and should obey. If you're Bond, you can negate the law at your whim, as long as you convince yourself you're on a mission. Your sense of self sacrifice and duty to others is your license to kill or break laws.

"Yes, you get your hands dirty, you're an assassin, but you enjoy the work. And all the perks; the exotic locations, the wild things you get to do, and yes, the desperate heated romance. You don't mind killing if you believe the right people are being killed. You aimed at Lewis and hit me. You feel guilty because I wasn't the right target, but you still like being the spy and don't want to give it up entirely."