Heroine Addiction Pt. 03

The gals seemed particularly enthralled with my poetic license to kill. I continued, "Living out your mission fantasy, you got your license to kill from your gal pals, not from me. You and they think you were on a worthy mission. Your devoted loving husband thinks you were dating and cheating. You're okay with them, you sure as hell aren't okay with me. You still don't see it as I do, and I need you to.

"Let me lay it out. You convinced yourself you could seduce Lewis because he needed to pay a price." I shook my head, the logic there was beyond redemption. "The women gave your conscience cover. You now had license to act out of the norm. Then a whole bunch of ingredients came into the mix: your past wrapping guys around your finger, maybe that was from a bad time in your life, but you enjoyed being able to do it. As you said, you couldn't do that with me, so this gave you a chance at a curtain call. Since you decided to take Lewis down by setting him up sexually, using him was just a small step away from reliving that time.

"Now you could take your seductive prowess out of mothballs for a victory lap. And Bond needs gratification to sooth his frayed nerves of steel, right? So, you took liberties, and you pushed the boundaries. The problem was you weren't just treading on a slippery slope you started skiing on it."

Both Susan and Kari had followed my imagery this far and seemed to be concentrating very hard on the pictures I was painting. Spare the paint and spoil the child. Okay, so I have limits. A sick thought occurred to me: I wondered if I was as good at story time as Lewis was.

"But this damn guy had you thinking of sports cars and exotic locations, you admitted he got into your head that way. And when you mixed your so-called ugly side with his exotic imagery you got a Bond femme fatale instead of a heroine. That may be great fun for you, but your poor little doting hardworking hubby is still in the real world seeing it all without the rose-colored lenses or Q supplied X-ray glasses.

"I think you loved living a double life. It seemed as exotic as those cars, places, and dream men. They could be faceless, they just needed adequate bodies. Who cares who the guy is fucking you in the Caribbean waterfall? He's not awful. He's not mistreating you. And wow, how exotic: you're getting fucked in a Caribbean waterfall! Right?!"

Kari's eyes went improbably huge hearing what I said. Susan's were too, watching Kari think it through. Susan was amazed at Kari's reaction: I'd hit a nerve. Susan intuited I'd just repeated Kari's words back to her. Thinking of the phrase again she closed her eyes in dismayed sympathy for her friend. If Kari had said that about the man in the waterfall, then convincing me she hadn't tried to live it out to some degree with her Lewis mission was going to be difficult at best. Susan cringed at the predicament Kari had built herself.

"Kari, I don't know that I have the mix, or the ingredients correct, but I'm sure I have the basics right. Lewis got inside your head with images you see as exotic. You've been the exotic beauty that leaves guys panting. You wanted that back and to push it to another level, and here was the chance to play femme fatale, or heroine, or whatever you told yourself you could be.

"You thought you could take him down, but deciding to do so, especially the way you did, was a mistake. Once you were in, you were all-in. You told yourself you were sacrificing your pride to make it all happen. Except you also told yourself that if you were all-in and sacrificing, why not have some fun along the way?

"The reality was you didn't sacrifice anything; you simply unchained your ego. Damn it, you didn't push the parameters at one unhealthy point, but at virtually every point possible, destabilizing everything. As a result, you didn't end up where you expected, you ended up miles away! Miles away from me anyway.

"I don't think you wanted Lewis; you wanted to be the beautiful woman on display in that sports car. I know you: you didn't want to drive it, you wanted to be well thought of and desired. You wanted to go back to college where you left the guys sweaty, rung out, and panting for you. You wanted to be that irresistible woman on that exotic beach that makes the beach oh so much more exotic. Desire to be desired is written all over this: you liked taking those guys down in college, you liked shooting them down in flames, and sometimes you had had your fun with them in bed before you dropped the hammer. I'm willing to bet part of your fun was teasing them until they got you in bed, teasing them once they were there, then teasing them that they could never have you again."

At first Kari's eyes popped open and her jaw dropped. Then her eyes clenched shut. Tears seeped from closed lids. Susan swallowed hard watching her.

"Kari back in college you just wanted to drop the hammer on those guys before they dropped it on you. But you should have been working on how no one got hammered." I frowned, "You know what I mean."

I sighed before adding, "You got off on taking their measure."

I shook my head. My drawing conclusions from the evidence had almost run its course, and I was almost spent as well.

"I pray you didn't go the full distance with Lewis, but I'm not sure. You said you didn't kiss him but you sure as hell did! You made out with him a fair amount I bet. The delays in your plan were partially because you wanted to do it again. Maybe you didn't want to be with Lewis, but you just didn't want your mission to end either, because as long as it went on, you thought it was okay to negate the laws.

"You thought you weren't cheating, you thought it wasn't an affair. You thought you weren't kissing because it didn't count if it was encapsulated by the mission. And why would anything count if the laws don't apply to you? I bet you frenched him long and hard Kari, you just refused to see it as such. But Kari, your suspension of rules only applied in your own head. It may have even been okay for the ladies, that just means they're close to being cheaters themselves."

It was a bad place to take a break, but I had to compose myself. My obvious upset heightened the emotion, so I really didn't lose any momentum story wise.

"Kari, your suspension of rules never happened, not for a second in my world. God help me, you were cheating every second in my world. I have and will continue to pray you didn't screw him. I know you said you didn't. I know you said you didn't throw me away or resent me. I also know you said you didn't kiss him, but you did. It sure seems like you did the other things too."

Susan's mouth made a small oval shape, the sort you make when you're about to whistle; or when you just put together pieces of an unfortunate puzzle. Which Susan had been doing through the entire conversation, she saw how I assembled the pieces and agreed with their construction. I can't tell you how happy I would've been for her to object instead, showing me another way to assemble these dastardly pieces.

Kari gasped out, "I didn't screw ... I didn't screw him! I-I couldn't go that far. I swear."

"I need honesty, Kari. We both need it. We both have to have it." I cut a look to Susan. "Kari, when you told me you didn't kiss Lewis, did you intentionally tell me a lie?"

"No. I knew I could kiss him. I fought it."

"Did he rape you, tie you up, chain you in the basement?"

"No."

"So, you could've walked away from him at any time. Or done what I asked: never be around him in the first place."

I looked at Susan again, who was beginning to see the real problem. I connected the dots for her. I had to lead Kari there.

"Kari, if you didn't intentionally tell me a lie when you said you didn't kiss him, but you did kiss him, then what was it?"

She looked confused and upset.

"Is it possible you believed you didn't kiss him?"

She nodded, she cried.

"But you can remember kissing him?"

"I'm not obfuscating, I didn't kiss him back! I see what you're saying, Barry. Oh God, I wish I didn't. Am I crazy? You're saying that if he's kissing me, even though I'm not kissing back, it's still a kiss. There have to be two people for there for a kiss and as I was one, so I was kissing. But what if he kissed my hand? That's still a kiss but I wouldn't be kissing him back."

I exhaled loudly, almost out of patience, "You were necking with him, you were stroking him, hugging him, wrapped around him, and cooing for him. You let him put his lips on yours. Are you telling me that you weren't making out, that you weren't kissing? Do you think saying you weren't, will carry any weight with me? Do you think telling me, "I was making out with another man because I didn't stick my tongue in his mouth just allowed his in mine" exonerates your actions? Besides, exoneration is not negation!"

Susan almost made a noise at that line, she loved it. If she'd had a gavel she would have brought it down hard.

"I saw you making out with him. I know you spent time with him when I was away. You've admitted dancing and petting. I'm sure you made out and did it in depth and in detail and did so several times. When and where did those things occur? Kissing and petting, even making out could be done in bushes or basements of just about any of our houses during our block parties.

"I didn't start to keep track of your where about or time away from me until I saw you stroking him and acting like there was something -- that's on going, not just going on. Even then it was obvious whatever it was had started a while ago. But doing those things at the parties would have to be quick. What I saw the night I caught you showed me you were practiced being in a clench with him. That wasn't the culmination of a number of quick ass grabs. So, where and when did you have time to practice?"

Kari shook. I saw Susan shiver just watching her. I put on a calmer voice. Perry Mason was about to give his jury summation.

"You could have gone to Lewis' house the nights I was out of town. You could have snuck over there before too. I was frequently out of town including during the last block party, the party you admitted you'd gone to specifically to see him."

Susan's head swiveled towards my wife; her astonished expression caused Kari to duck away.

"Those nights I was traveling were great opportunities. You could have stayed the entire night with him. You could have balled him 'til sunup and his cock crowed. Just like the kissing, do you really think saying it didn't happen because it meant more to him than you, or it didn't count because you don't want it to, will keep my heart from breaking?

"No Kari, you lived a dualistic life of sorts. You constructed it; you made that other life because you wanted it. I can finish this for you, but I'm going to tell Susan where I'm going first."

I turned to Susan and talked about Kari as if she wasn't right there sitting with us.

"Is Kari full on delusional? No, I think it's sort of like a maintenance alcoholic. It springs from the same place for most people. They get tempted and they succumb. They realize their failing won't impact only themselves, but also the people who love them. The temptation drives them to distraction. Thinking how their deeds might hurt the ones they love, drives them to desperate action. Action taken in desperation is often flawed. It all compounds.

"We aren't talking full blown addicts here. Just folks that have tripped up, but if they go back again because the temptation now holds them, they must look at what they're doing. Their spouses, their kids, family and friends, businesses, all of it could be hurt by their behavior. Imagine it's you. You didn't seek it: you were titillated yet didn't walk away. You got closer, then a little closer, then had to try it, and wow!

"But if you go back to do it again, the "wow" fades and you're forced to chase the high, locking yourself and those who love you into a vicious cycle. You must hide your actions because the first time would've been a heartbreaking mistake to your loved ones; but going back for more they'll know they aren't loved as they thought. Going back means you ARE willing to hurt them to get your thrill."

Susan was enthralled hanging on every word like reading the conclusion of a mystery novel. Kari was silent and shrunken, like a perpetrator being read the list of their misdeeds in court. I continued laying it out for Susan.

"So, is our protagonist a good person or bad? I pray most folks will stop, learn their lesson, be honest with themselves, and finally conquer their temptation before it becomes an addiction. Others try telling themselves they're still good but are too weak to stay away. They go crazy, blow up, or live a dualistic exitance where they keep the bad behavior walled off from the rest of their lives. Except that's like driving blindfolded, the crash is inevitable.

"It's also typical behavior of those having an affair, they either tell themselves they're in love and answering to a higher power, or they convince themselves that they deserve it, doubling down on their character flaws while hiding their behavior. That's a time bomb. They desperately keep it separate from the other parts of their life, telling themselves they won't get caught, until something eventually explodes. They want to believe they're good but know they're doing bad things. They don't want to see it clearly at all.

"I think that's where Kari is. The addict analogy holds up pretty well. Lewis wasn't what she wanted he was merely the gateway drug to the harder stuff. She wasn't in it for him. She wanted to be a hero. But it got the better of her and she became a ... a "heroine addict". She's didn't see the cheating because that wasn't her goal just part of what she did to use her superpowers. Sort of like saying Batman doesn't assault people - he just beats up bad guys, Kari wants me to see her affair with Lewis as benign, like she does. Except that's not looking at it for what it is. If we do that it won't stop here. And Kari won't heal."

Both women looked at me with big eyes and slack jaws drinking in what I'd said.

I turned back to Kari, "On the other hand, you kissed Lewis and it killed you. You really didn't like Lewis, you do love me, and you hated that I figured it out and was hurt. You didn't want to leave me, but you wanted to recapture some of your past life as well as live some of a life you've never had yet.

I didn't give any discount to my next statement, I let my angry heartache show as I went, "And you wanted to have some fun. You just needed more time to sink your hook, clean your claws, bare your teeth and really sink them into it. Those final make out sessions were pretty steamy, weren't they? Maybe they transcended make out sessions. I'm worried like hell about those times Kari, but I need to know the truth. And you need to admit the truth to yourself. There's no way I can ever believe in you again if you don't."

I let out a long breath. We were almost at the end, a place I didn't want to be.

"When you were kissing Lewis, you were on those beaches he told tales of, or in the that exotic car he bragged about. I doubt you were thinking of him, I bet it was some faceless guy. You could take Lewis' face off in your head. Remember what you once said again: who cares if the guy fucking you in the tropical waterfall isn't perfect; you're still getting fucked in a tropical waterfall, right?"

Kari let out a moan. She put her face in her hands.

"Kari, this is important, and I'm not going to be shattered by its existence. But if we don't address it, we can't fix it. And Baby, regardless of us, you need to be fixed."

That wasn't quite what I meant but I let it hang. Kari understood what I was trying to say. She gave me a brave nod of the head to continue and blushed when she saw my pride in her decision.

"When you were in Lewis' arms, pretending he was someone else and you were in those imaginary exotic places, you weren't thinking of me either, were you? I don't know how you could be and keep kissing someone else, even if you could forget you were with Lewis. The guy you were thinking of, was it a faceless guy or someone specific? If it was someone specific, was it a movie star or fantasy man, or was it a real-life guy?"

Kari became very agitated. She squeaked, "Barrrry, do I have to answer? I know I have to, but I'm scared Barry. I'm scarred to say the wrong thing. I really, really, love you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to hurt you anymore either!"

Susan saw my expression and couldn't help but scoot closer to me across the table. She was giving me that natural protect and nurture treatment that women are so wonderful with.

I was beside myself, though I pulled it together. Perry Mason would respect nothing less. "Kari, are you telling me you imagined being with ... Lewis?" I couldn't believe it.

There was another pause as we sorted through that I had just asked Kari if she was imagining making out with Lewis while she was actually making out with Lewis. Kari and Susan seemed to understand the meaning of my twisted question.

The agitation faded from Kari's face for just a second replaced by raw incredulity. "Wha - What? No, of course not!" It was rather comical except my heart was hanging in a blender with Kari's finger on the frappe button. Thank God, she pulled it together and carried on.

Kari was still pulling, "Never Barry. No. Just no." Now Kari's face fractured. She had something she didn't want to tell me, "But Barry, while I imagined I was with you most of the time, y-you were dead-on with that faceless guy idea where it's "who cares who it is; I'm in a hot romantic clench under grape vines being made love to in the surf". It was never a real guy Barry, if it wasn't you, the guy was faceless. Barry, I swear I wouldn't have really done something like that: be with a random guy just because I was in a romantic place or situation, even before I met you.

"The guys I teased in college, I just hooked them, they thought we were on the way to do it when I lowered the boom and walked away. I didn't take them to bed and stop halfway. My actual body count isn't that high. I've always had to have a relationship with a guy I'd be with even if it was highly competitive. I don't really want anonymous sex. I'd certainly never do it now! It was just a fantasy, you know, a daydream!"

"How often was it me?"

"Barrrry pleeeease."

I didn't say a word waiting for her answer.

Miserably she quietly offered, "More than half. Probably two thirds."

I didn't want to hurt Kari either, though she needed a major wake-up call, and yes, some tough love. Here I could reassure her, so I did, "If there really were no other real guys, in body or mind, I think two thirds is pretty outstandingly in my favor. That's much better than I'd hoped for Kari. Thank you."

I gave Kari a hopeful little smile, all I was capable of. Both women heaved a big sigh of relief at my verdict. Keeping the same tone I added, "I want for you to care about me and understand these things, even when I'm not there. Because apparently, I don't mean much to you if I'm not right in front of you."

Kari gasped yet again. She was thinking of me while she cheated on me, that was my version. I didn't understand that. Though it was a lot easier to understand the notion that if she thought of me while she made out with another guy it shouldn't count as cheating.

Then Kari realized what I just described was a wish of my future -- with her in it! There was still a glimmer of hope!

I preempted whatever she was gearing up to say, "I certainly didn't mean much to you at the party I was out of town for. I think you understand how much of a reach that was, not just inappropriate, but actually hostile, even cruel, to me. You went to the party specifically to see Lewis when I specifically asked you not to go, and specifically not to see Lewis. And I specifically asked that specifically because I had caught you cheating around with him at a prior party."