All Comments on 'Heroine Addiction'

Please remember to put part 1 in the title. An unexpected cliffhanger is more irritating than anything else. Apart from that, good story start.

A great start.

Where's page 3?

You use alot of words to relate what woukd have been a short story.

Phone dialogue awful.

Very wordy but has legs and a lot of potential. FYI put Part1 in the title. It will reduce the negative feedback lol. Have a the very best day possible 😀

The major point of failure of this story is the definition of the problem as cheating sexually. That is NOT the problem and NO ONE else, including many of who seem to know what is going on, understand that. They think that the end justifies the means.

The real problem is the continual and deliberate undermining of Barry's trust in his wife. This isn't at the level of her planning a surprise party for him or something like that. Barry's wife is TORTURING HIM. She knows this but decides it is worth it. Maybe to start it was a minor thing that could have been set right by a truthful explanation. That point passed early in the story. Also, part of Barry's pain is due to his nature. He is very inciteful and a no BS type of guy. Deceit is obvious to him and he calls it out. His "loving wife" should KNOW this about him and KNOW if she was exposed, as she was, that keeping a "clever secret" was transitioning into a toxic and UNRECOVERABLE issue. Their relationship has been permanently damaged because SHE, and SHE alone, has decided it was worth it to accomplish her goal. This is the classic, delusional, "I'm going to have sex with another man and it will make our lives so much better". It's not just the sex that makes this very, very bad. It's the unilateral betrayal. The "I know what's best for us" attitude. Maybe, with some (wimpy) guys that could be true. However, Barry is NOT one of those guys!

Finally, as pointed out, the story just stops. DEAD STOPS. There MAY be a part 2, but maybe not. In some ways, the reader is being treated the same way as Barry, " I know what is good for us and as the author, I will decide how to present the story. In the end it will be worth it".

Frankly, given Barry's defined nature, and the deliberate assault on him, it is already too late. It would be a miracle for Barry's wife to have a good enough reason to hurt him as she has done. It may be possible for Barry to struggle on with her but he will never have the same level of trust and will probably have some level of resentment for how he was treated. In short, their relationship is weakened and maybe irrevocably broken.

Although repeat with analogies the story held my interest and I'm looking forward to the next part.

A story I was planning on scoring much higher until it suddenly ended mid story with nothing from the author telling us there's another part

This isn’t shit ..

Did the commenters -DrPope, miket0422- read the author's comment at the beginning? It's a four part submission! Now that you know that, do you care to offer additional insight?

This is the first part of four, and so I withhold ultimate judgment. However, whatever else happens, this part 1 was simply boring. Nothing happened except that husband is in anguish and wife is secretive.

miket0422 33 minutes ago

A story I was planning on scoring much higher until it suddenly ended mid story with nothing from the author telling us there's another part

Just a hopefully amusing four parter before life gets terribly busy again.

With out knowing the next three parts, I see no humor in this at all. If she wanted to keep her marriage, what ever it is she should never have agreed to it in the first place.

not sure how this will be amusing, i think I know where this is going, but its not worth the price

Interesting start. She seems to escalate almost nothing into something needlessly. I'm willing to bet she is not cheating, but I can not find a reason for her secrecy.

There is nothing amusing here. WTF😦I look forward to the next parts and hope they are posted consecutively as stated.

Yeah - Miss not numbering it but I think the intro is pretty clear. So far, so good. We’ll see where this one goes. My only concern is if the plot lines will be plausible. 3.5*

This is *very* similar to your "Splashdown" series - a wife doing something that she feels driven to do, even while recognizing what it might do/is doing to her husband and to their relationship. Same writing issues - a bit repetitive - but still a very nice start and I'm waiting for the next part. I hope this doesn't go somewhat off the rails as did "Splashdown", though.

So the setup looks like it involves a sting of some sort on the man-child. A comedy of errors I guess. I am enjoying the word play but telegraphing the last bit of telephone convo as sing unheard is JARRING and took me out of the story—moving me from his perspective to omniscient. I would like to understand why you did that. Why use: “I never heard her finish saying, "In the end I think I can rebuild that good will. And I think he will be very proud of me."” , when a simple, “She said something else but I was so fuzzed …” would allow for the misdirection you wanted to provide. Did you feel it would e too subtle?

Anyway, thoroughly enjoying the story so far… even if our heroine is a tad dense, emotionally speaking.

So what is the sneaky wife, looking for a divorce up to?? Is she Modeling Nude for a painting with the neighborhood asshole that has convinced her he is a great artist? Is she working as a "call girl" to earn money for a boat for hubby? Is She screwing the hell out of the neighborhood asshole for the fun of it? Why does she think that she can sneak around, fuck around, and whatever else she is doing that she knows her husband will hate but he will, maybe, forgive when it is all done and hubby will be proud of her sneaky results? I don't think I would leave, I would grab her by the throat, and explain how disfigured she is about to become if she didn't explain quickly and fully. That is what I would do, by leaving in a huff and giving her more time to finish her evil plan, yeah, that is good. he better get a good divorce lawyer while he is at it. I have a feeling he's going to want to divorce her cheating ass when the truth is revealed. Modling Nude? Enjoying gang bangs? She is up to something she knows he won't like her doing. So why would she do it? Mostly because the Neighbor convinced her to do it and she believed his lies. Tension filled story. 5 stars. Would have been 10 but left hanging.

you cock tease. please pump out the rest of this story asap. What we got was a bit infuriating with lack of honesty, trust and details from the wife.

From the title and subtitle, Kari is most likely engaged in some kind of operation intended to bring Lewis down. Or at least she thinks she is. The question is whether she's been recruited by some incredibly incompetent LEOs who have instructed her to keep her husband in the dark about the operation, or whether she has been fooled into a "mission" that has been concocted by Lewis himself as a scheme to get into her pants.

Great start. Going to be tough to maintain in the next chapter.

This is a ONE*!

Not because it is a story to which I will not read the sequel and ending… Instead it is because the author impolitely left out any notice of it being a multi-chapter tale. (Hints) A.) Author’s Preface; B.) Title Part01; C.) PostScript ‘to be continued’; with ‘All of the above’ being most polite.

If this is NOT a series, it should have ended with ‘Finis’ or ‘The End.’ That would have garnered a 4*!

Mea Culpa

Missed the preface AND Demosthenes# comment (until too late.)

Author welcome to scratch this comment and my previous chiding.

Your starting to write the same story over and over. Bored

A lot of words but very little progress!…

Interesting start. A tortured mc, a secret, lots of drama and strong emotions.

Main issue for me is forcing opinion on Lewis rather than letting the readers make up their own. Lewis rant only make sense when there are a couple of scenes with him before it. Hard to hate someone based on description and not actions.

Marriage is dead. A relationship is communication and she stopped doing that. He was open and honest about his feelings and she disregarded them, then doubled down on that for an extended period growing the pain and mistrust. Doesn't matter if she cheated or not at this point, she has demonstrated a willingness to hurt him for a selfish goal without his consent.

Wesk, disjointed

Why do I have the feeling the next chapter is going to be one huge disappointment?

If this is part one, please put that in the title, otherwise this ending would leave people quite infuriating. If this is the story, well, good start, bland finish as it was not complete.

Huh???

You make four part with 2 pages story , really ?

less than half a story gets less than half a star

U just love the sound of ur own words… u write like a man drunk or on high weeds. It actually makes me dizzy trying to put the meaning of a sentence together that u have written. Why for gods sake can’t u write like a normal person…

It ended?!!

What the heck was I reading??!

A martian slut ray story?

Please no morre. Its just pages of meaningless words take out the rubbish and your left with half a page of story

You've left us hanging. What has she been doing? Have the other wives been doing something also?

In concept this is fine. It is, however, horrifically overwritten.

Babble!

God this is worse than pulling teeth, two pages and we still have not one clue what the fuck is going on, from the title she’s obviously some sort of secret super hero saving the neighbourhood one creep at a time. Will I be waiting with bated breath for part two (assuming there is another part) probably not.

Like the rest of your submissions it’s well written but is the mystery worth the effort to seek out the answer? Ummmm!

Based on your previous story, hah, not expecting anything remotely good.

Where is the end?

Is there more to follow?

Worst writing I've ever seen plus the story is going nowhere.

This was a lot of nonsense. They're both retards

What a pathetic male character. Writers who are Judea/Christians should really stay out of erotica. They bring such ridiculous dialogue, especially from the MC into the stories. They and other commentators always say why complain it's free. Free or not, I have the right to say it, This isn't Saudia Arabia, Iran, or China where your a slave who has no rights. If you're looking for that life, go move there and stay out of erotica.

Great start but there has to be a part 2.

That's a good story. Hopefully the sequel won't have to wait too long. Waiting kills all the interest.

please if you are going to continue put part 01 in title. if no more to this wordy horrible ending piece then rates a 2

You attempt to say that Barry was a reasonably intelligent guy. But all we get demonstrated is that he is clearly retarded! Why didn't he approach ALL the men in their group BEFORE the party, with the exception of Lewis, and ask them to keep an eye on his wife and Lewis at the neighbourhood party? If they really were friends they would have done so and monitored whatever happened.

Now we are being led to believe that another of the wives knows what is going on but is not saying anything. Dumbo Barry knew which wife so why didn't he tell that husband what he feared? Obviously the stupid wives are laying some trap for Lewis, with Kari as the "staked goat". So why isn't she telling Barry about it NOW?

He should have repacked the bag he just returned with and told her he was moving out! That would have really opened things up. Even threatened to go and hook up with some woman, because that's what his slut wife was doing. (Of course she isn't. It's just some stupid game that has got out of hand).

So far it has the makings of being a 5 star story but being only half a story it is hard to know.

Hopefully the conclusion is already written and this won’t be another multiple chapter star yet where the following installments are posted so far apart the readers forget what is happening.

Barry could have resolved all of this by having Kari served with divorce papers once he got back from the trip that caused him to miss the block party and found out Kari had attended and wouldn’t tell him anything.

Excellent start. I look forwardto the next chapter. Our boy is a smart man. He will realize he must press for the answers.

The first line of text explains this is a 4 parts story that is already written. Let’s be patient here and see where this goes…altough I don’t see how she can come out of it without having badly shaken the marriage foundation.

How does this go on for WEEKS without him getting his idiot wife to spill the beans? The big “reveal” had better not be some trite “I made a promise” BS like so many of these stories go from a brain dad wife….

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3 ***

Will hold any judgment until Part 2 is done...

DOL

Where is the rest if it?

There’s enough here to make me curious, but not enough to be worthy of breaking it into separate releases. End result? All this did is piss me off.

I still get bothered by things like Barry’s name being used mistakenly for Lewis late in page one. However, I think this story has a good start even if I don’t like seeing a husband tortured by his own justifiable suspicions. If you are brave enough to submit in this category, then I will reserve judgment till I see the other three parts.

Boring. Do better . You really going to do a for part story on they just tricking or pranking the neighborhood asshole. And they hubby was left out of the set up .BOOOORRRRIIINNNGGG

I'm not sure what I just read but please don't do it again!

Now this is the way to read a 'Chopped Liver' story- in parts. 2 pages is just enough before it gets too frustrating to continue. The going over and over, the exploring of every little detail, every nuance, every possibility of wording, without GOING anywhere, is hard to read. So much talent, so much ability, such imaginative writing, then to beat it to death- WHY?

Well, this has my attention. What’s she up to? Guess I’ll javelin to find out.

And I thought it cannot go worse than splashdown

you stating this is a four part story does not make up for a really bad first part. each chapter is rated on it's own, and this one has nothing that is redeemable. Guess we'll have to wait and see if the other parts are worthwhile. 2*

Christ, the only reason this is going to be four parts is because you still can't write dialogue worth a shit. That whole conversation Kari had on the phone while Barry listened was was stilted as a circus. Try reading your dialogue out loud.

Also, you said Barry was going to check on her behavior with the people at the party, but we never heard what happened. What were the results of the conference call? Setting up a situation and then ignoring/forgetting about it is poor writing as well.

The story has some promising elements, but it's repetitious. We get it, the wife is keeping a secret from the MC regarding Lewis, move on with the narrative.

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What little plot advancement we get is accomplished by repeated incidents of eavesdropping. This is primitive storytelling.

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I'm being a little harsh in my comments because you're a smart, ambitious writer, and can take them on board.

Like the story Splashdown this story is convoluted contrived and filled with ridiculous red herrings and unbelievable dialogue that makes no sense at any level. And occasionally red herring is always good to see in a story but this is just ridiculous.

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The wife has stated directly in the phone conversation that if it comes down to her marriage, she will actually tell Barry the truth .

Yet that doesn't happen..... even though Gary is very upset and thinks she is cheatie still don't know anything about what's going on.

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What is it that she has to do that will increase her own life story and her own biography.?

The wife isn't planning a surprise party or secretly buying a new house for her and her husband. She's not buying her husband a new car or a boat.

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The most obvious answer the original bad guy in the story Lewis has concocted the scheme which has ensnared the wife through deception and because the wife is pathetically stupid. Lewis is doing this in order to drive a wedge between the wife and the husband which will leave her open to his sexual conquests and plans later on.

Help - i am stuck here in a weird sting with a really stupid couple

You should reduce rambling about his turmoil.

If you're going to post a story in multiple parts, be upfront and put "Part #" in the title of each so that it's clear that it's not a complete story. It's a simple courtesy to your readers.

The reason for her secrecy —- which is tearing her marriage apart because hubby THINKS it’s about her cheating with Lewis….AND SHE KNOWS THAT IS WHAT HE IS THINKING! —- is going to have to be awfully clever and unique at this point if the marriage is to be salvaged. The author has set himself a very high bar.

++

Hubby talks to the other neighborhood husbands….but readers don’t get even a hint about what they said or what, if anything, he learned. At the very least, he should have grilled Phyllis’s husband because he know for a fact that SHE knows what’s going on. Yet nothing in the story about this obvious thing to do.

++

Even at the close of this Part 1 — Kari is ready to fuck the shut out of him and THEN tell him everything. Stupid woman…she should be doing the exact reverse: spill your guts and then HOPE hubby wants to even touch you!

++

This is going to be either a complete bust of a story…..or one of the best of the year. No way to know how it goes until following parts are posted.

Telegraphing the punch and there’s no reason for her to keep him in the dark.

Why do I get the feeling this is going to be another Splashdown wordy, wordy cluster fuck?? Barry will probably end up spanking the asshole after giving up his manhood multiple times.

I like it. The ending is not readily apparent, even though it clearly will result in Lewis's crash. Just one thing: Kari had said Jim and Debbie would vouchsafe her time at the party, yet Barry did not followup with that in any way, even when he spoke with the husbands. It is just a minor plot point, but If Barry had asked Jim it would have raised the tension level. Looking forward to your conclusion. Thank you for sharing your talent.

Some promise, but incredibly overwrought prose.

What exactly did I just read?

Excellent start that makes me very interested in what happens next. Hope it’s not something as mundane as planning a surprise party.

Looks as if a huge misunderstanding may be on the horizon.

Secrets can be toxic. I'm sure it will be something benign in the end, but she knows he has the wrong idea and isn't making it better. 20 years later when they see each other again and she tells him (and his new wife and kids) what it was really about, it will be far too late.

Intriguing but two pages of stonewalling wifey responses and a whole lot of situational analysis by hubby, with no line in the sand drawn other than winding the other hubbys up

Maybe, The slimeball "Lewis" has some idea to get into the wife's panties. Like in the Movie "True Lies" Lewis plays some kind of Agent needing an "undercover" operative. Along comes Kari with the empty head all "goo goo" over Lewis. Ready to believe any lie he spouts and explains how he needs someone to seduce the "Cartel" leader a few times so she can earn her trust to learn when the drugs are going to be delivered. Of course, Hubby wouldn't like her screwing the "ring leader" so he would be pissed off. I think hubby should file for divorce first until she bothers to explain what the hell she is doing. He won't like it, she knows that already, so she should expect her divorce to be final. She Knows what ever she is doing that it will piss off Hubby. So why is she doing it? Why is she trying to get divorced? Hubby should go grab Lewis by the throat first and get him to explain! Buster2U

All right. I know it’s fiction. But good fiction has to have a link to reality. Divorce papers should have been in her hands by now.

I’ll wait to score this one. Could be a 5 or a 1.

Needs another part to complete the story, you cranked up the arena but the fight still has to take place…

Wow what a great start.5*

I’m going to reserve scoring this until the second part…

Hope there is a second part. Because so far this sucks.

Secrets can kill...

using part 1 or chapter 1 would help if you are writing a multi part story.

Good beginning! It needs a follow up.

4

i already know how its going to end- i'm not going to waste any more time on the story

Over written pretentious crap. Must have looked up his thesaurus twice in every sentence.

Short of preventing nuclear war and millions of lives lost once she realizes her husband is being lost. Whatever she is doing even if it were a Sting for some sort of bad crimes against society, she has to come forward. because she didn't marriage over.

Surprises never turn out good in Loving Wives stories.

There has to be a part 2.

You've captured my attention.... Now, what will become of it?

"Part 1".

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No chapter # in the title to warn this wasn't a complete story BEFORE opening it always earns an automatic rating of 1. After opening the story is too late.

As usual, very good story telling.

As usual, too much intra-personal dialogue.

As usual, too many clues how the story will end (she tries to make the bad guy suffer, but looses her husband on the way, so instead of doing good (her addiction), she achieves bad.

Unusually, you seem to have learned a bit and only put it into 4 installments.

As usual, I will read your story to the end of all 4 chapters.

What the hell?! "Barry won't be mollified just because everyone else is happy. ", "I think he'll like the new things I'll have added to my biography.", "I thought I was the only one that would be soiled and compromised", "Once he sees the finished product his anger will turn to laughter.", "In the end I think I can rebuild that good will. And I think he will be very proud of me."

==

I was leaning towards the obvious of her being a dumb moron and buying a stupid scam where Lewis teaches her the kama sutra, deep throating, or anal to sex her husband better. But...bro what the hell? All those quotes throws it all for a loop. This really has me stumped. I don't even know where to begin and I usually have some theory however weak it is.

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Too many sex related hints are being dropped for it not to be sex. But she thinks it would be all fine after? It's something that she needs to have multiple visitations for? Oh crap dude you really have me stumped. Like with "I must be able to reach out my hands and show Barry what I got in return for my being soiled in his eyes,"

DUDE I mean what the hell?!

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What makes this worse is that from what she's saying she's clearly not emotionally stupid based on that last phone call. She sounds like someone that's gone through therapy and has everything internalized. She KNOWS what her husband thinks and what he's going through. Her having this emotional intelligence makes me doubt she'd do any of the other stupid things cheating wives with good intentions do in these stories.

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You better have a part 2 coming up soon I swear don't leave us hanging.