Hide Your Heart

"I guess you enjoyed my finishing move."

She rolled on top of me and gave me one of the greatest kisses I'd ever experienced.

Six months later we were married.

*****

Shae stood as I walked into the living room. I shook my head as she walked up to me and said, "I'm not giving up on you, Joe. You deserve to have a little fun. Hell, I can make you forget your wife ever existed."

I laughed. "Shae, I told you, I love my wife. No matter what you do, you could never make me forget her." I looked her up and down and saw the tops of her thigh high stockings where her short skirt rode up. "But I'm certain it would be fun trying."

She shook her head, "Joe, I hope to God I find a love like that someday."

*****

After Gianna and I got married, we had our first child, and she took a break from modeling. While on that break, we had our second child.

We had plenty of money between what she had already made from modeling, and from what I was making at the network along with my gambling. Our little ones grew up in a house of love with two parents at home most of the time.

I was in love, but never realized I had such a deep love for Gianna, until one day it hit me in the face.

The kids were in kindergarten and first grade, and she told me unexpectedly that she had an offer to do a tour of runway shows. The money was insane.

"Are you going to do it?" I asked. I had a bad feeling in my stomach about what would happen if she went out on the road again.

"It's a lot of money, Joe."

I nodded. "Do we need it though?"

"No, not now, but what if the TV thing goes away? What will we do then?"

I sighed. It was a valid argument. Television audiences were fickle and could be out on my ear at any time.

"You've already said yes, haven't you?"

She had the decency to look away.

"What about us, Gianna? I know how you used to be. The power, the skimpy clothes, the men..."

"I'm never going to cheat on you, if that's what you're worried about."

"What about the kids? How long will you be gone?"

"You'll be here. You don't go back to work until August, and I'll be back before the football season starts."

"I'm worried about what will happen to us if you do this. I don't want to lose you."

She pulled me into a hug, "I promised on our wedding day to love you and be faithful to you forever. I will live up to that promise."

I hoped she was strong enough to do that.

She was to be gone for five months and it only took two months for me to think my marriage was in trouble.

I was standing in the check out lane at the grocery store and saw the gossip rags sitting next to the candy bars and chewing gum. There was my wife on the cover of one of the magazines topless on a balcony in France. They blurred out the good bits, but what they didn't blur out was the man sitting on the lounger next to her.

I grabbed one of the mags and turned the one behind it around before my kids saw it. I rushed through the checkout process and had crying kids because I didn't stop for gumballs or stickers from the machines in the vestibule.

I got the kids seated in the back seat, started a video for them, and started the car. I looked at my watch and saw it was early evening in London, where she was at that time, so I called her.

"Hey, baby," she said answering the phone.

"Do you have something to tell me?" I grumbled.

"Is that the kind of greeting I get from you now?" she whined.

"Who's the fucking guy on the balcony with you?"

"What balcony, what are you...oh fuck! What magazine published those? They were supposed to have been bought off."

"That's your fucking answer to me? No, it's not what it looked like. No, I'm not cheating on you. No, it was a fake. Your answer is they were supposed to be bought off."

I ended the call and threw the phone across the parking lot in disgust. Then I groaned as it was a brand-new iPhone of which the first generation had just come out. I walked over to the trashed phone and threw my head back in disgust.

I climbed into my truck and said, "Okay, kiddos. Who wants to go to Best Buy?"

They cheered. I worried.

*****

Shae asked, "Joe, with all of those stories about her and other men, how can you still love her that much."

I sipped my wine and said, "When I met her, she was an arrogant super-model who thought her shit didn't stink. She was making millions walking catwalks and having her picture put on the cover of magazines. Did you know that after the first fashion show where I accompanied her, she took me to an after party? It only took twenty minutes for an orgy to break out. Women with women, men with men, every combination of human pairing in a cluster of lewd behavior. I walked out of the suite and left her chasing after me."

"Did she want you to participate?" Shae asked.

"She said she wanted me to see what life was like for her. The good parts and the bad parts. She said she didn't partake in debauchery like that, but she did love to have sex and wasn't lonely when she was away from home. She said it was why she didn't date anyone seriously. I thought she might have been trying to scare me off, but it was a test to see what i would put up with."

"Why did you stay with her?"

I laughed. "You know, I asked myself that question for almost fifteen years. The short answer is she gave it up. She wanted to have children and she wanted to do it right away."

"When she was on top of the world, she was willing to just walk away?" She asked.

"Yeah. She never told me, but something happened to make her dislike the business. I suspected someone harrassed her. We had a whirlwind love affair and were married quickly after that. Then we had the kids."

"She obviously went back to modeling though," She added.

"With a vengeance."

*****

A day after I saw the photos of her topless on a balcony, I sat in my office watching my kids play with their Star Wars figures. I marveled at the imagination they had as they had a legion of action figures spread across the entire room.

I was shocked out of a reverie by my front door slamming and the clacking of hard soles running our way. I didn't have time to get to my gun safe, so I rushed to the door and shut it. I almost had the kids climb out the window and run to a neighbor's house, but Gianna started yelling for me through the door.

I sighed. "Sounds like mom's home guys."

They ran to the door and attacked their mother with kisses and hugs. I snuck around them as she group-hugged them and they made her look at their battlefield of action figures. She looked at me, about to speak, and I shook my head no.

I walked into the kitchen and opened a bottle of water. I wasn't ready for the confrontation, but she was. She barreled into the kitchen and opened fire.

"I did not cheat on you!"

"Sure, every faithful wife goes topless on a private balcony with a man that isn't her husband."

"Did you even read who it was?"

"Rene something."

"Yes, Rene Peralta, the fashion designer."

"Figures."

"Damn it, Joe! Listen to me. Google him right now. I'll wait."

I sighed, "I can't. I broke my phone and the new one isn't here yet."

"How'd you break your phone?"

"Glass met cement and asphalt. Glass lost."

"When did you do that? We just spoke yester... Oh, Joe!"

She pulled out her phone, typed something, then handed it to me."

"Read it!"

I read the screen and tossed the phone on the table.

"So, what? His being married to a man named Jean-Pierre doesn't mean he's not cheating too."

She knelt down and took my hands in hers.

"Honey, I never break my promises and I promised to be faithful to you forever. I did not, have not, and will not have any sexual contact with any other person: gay, straight, lesbian, or bisexual."

"Well, what am supposed to think when I see that trash in the damn grocery store?"

She sat on my lap and said, "I know, baby. That's why we tried to buy them off."

She kissed my forehead, then my nose, then mashed her mouth into mine until she had to catch her breath.

"Honey, since I'm home and horny, can we go to the bedroom for a few minutes?"

She wiggled her ass on my hardening cock, and I couldn't help but agree.

*****

Kevin handed Shae a fresh drink and winked at me before walking away.

"So, everything was fine until the kids were in junior high. She decided she'd no longer do fashion shows, but she still did photo shoots. I later found out those were no better than the shows' after parties."

Shae shook her head, "What happened then?"

"Someone thought she should do a movie."

"Oh! I remember that. I loved that movie." Then she blushed.

I chuckled.

Shae said, "That was a pretty sexy thriller."

"Yes, yes it was. She thought she would be the next Sharon Stone."

*****

Gianna had been in Vancouver filming her movie for three weeks. I was in Oregon doing a College Football Game Day broadcast, so I decided to surprise her and pop up for dinner. The flight was a little over an hour.

I got to her hotel, and she was walking into the lobby arm in arm with her co-star. Of course, he just happened to be one of the best-looking men in Hollywood. They didn't see me as they got on the elevator together.

I took the next elevator, stood in front of her room, and called her cell.

"Hi, Honey. How are the kids?" she answered.

"Fine. I have a surprise for you. Open the door to your room."

"Really?" she perked up. "Okay. The door is open."

"No, it's not. Open your door."

"Joe, I'm standing in the hallway. What is going on?"

"Gianna, I'm standing in front of your room."

"What? Where are you? I don't see you?"

I groaned. "Gianna, I am standing in front of room 1214 right now. Where the hell are you?"

She laughed, "I switched rooms. I'm on the tenth floor now, in room 1001. Hurry, baby! I can't wait to see you."

I ended the call and took the stairs down. When I opened the door to the tenth floor, she was standing in the hallway.

"Joe!" she shouted and ran down the hall to me. She was in the same outfit as she was in the lobby, and nothing looked disheveled.

"Where's loverboy?" I asked walking into her room.

"What? Who?"

"Your sexiest man alive co-star. I saw you arm in arm with him in the lobby."

"Oh, Joe. You're not seriously accusing me of having an affair again, are you?"

"I saw what I saw."

She let out a deep breath and dropped her dress in one motion.

"Inspect my body."

"Don't play that game. I know you didn't have enough time to do anything except shoo him out of your room when I told you I was here."

"Baby, think about what you're saying. I opened the door right when you said you were standing outside of it."

I sat on the bed and let out my own breath.

"Joe, sweetie. I have never, nor will I ever..."

"I know, I know. I just get so worried, and when I saw you so chummy with him, I just let my imagination run wild."

"Honey, I'm standing here naked in front of you. Does that give you any ideas?"

It did, and I took advantage of the situation.

*****

I took a sip of my wine and Shae looked uncomfortable.

"What's on your mind?" I asked.

"Some people say their sex scene had, um, real penetration."

"Yeah, I heard all of that too. I never believed it because I knew what her face looked up like when we made love. I saw every reaction she ever had to my, well, my manhood entering her and then all of her sex faces--for lack of a better term. I don't believe they had sex on camera or off."

She shook her head, "Didn't anyone ever tell you love is blind?"

I laughed. "Love isn't blind, Shae. Love puts everything in perspective. Sometimes, love makes us make choices that would induce bile in weaker people."

"The kids?"

"No, I would never stay with a cheating Gianna just for the kids. That wouldn't be fair to them. They would know things weren't right, and it might have a negative impact on them eventually."

There wasn't any proof she'd cheated on me, so I lived in a limbo of rumors and gossip.

*****

After the movie bombed, Gianna swore off acting. She was in her thirties and her modeling career was also drying up.

When the kids were sixteen and seventeen, Gianna was in her early forties and feeling forgotten. The kids needed her less and less every day. My career took off even more riding the wave of daily fantasy football. I had no idea it would cause a boom in my TV show ratings which kept me away from home more than ever. Then we hit the biggest problem in our marriage to date.

Gianna's phone rang one morning and that began a tirade of the worst language I'd ever heard her use. She slammed the door to my office and the screaming continued for another ten minutes. Then, my phone rang.

Then my tirade of the worst language I'd ever used began. I ended the call and started using my handheld google machine to find out if what I was told was true.

Article after article told of my wife having a sex tape leaked. I clicked one of the ones that had the video link, and she ran into the room.

"It's not true. I swear to God! It's not true."

"Let's just see, shall we?"

I hit play and watched as a grainy green video played on my screen. She hurried around my chair to watch over my shoulder and yelled, "Who the hell is that?"

"You tell me."

"Joe, that's not me."

"I don't know. I haven't seen your face yet."

We watched for a few minutes, but the video never showed her face. Everything was from behind the woman in the video.

She grabbed my phone and stared at a paused image. She was desperately trying to find anything that could prove it wasn't her in the video. I stood and grabbed my keys.

"Joe, wait! Don't go anywhere. This is not me!"

"You don't recognize that room? You're seriously going to tell me that you don't recognize the set of the only movie you starred in? And that scene was never in the movie. His dick is really inside you!"

"What!" she shouted and looked at the phone again.

"Shit, Joe. That's not me. That's got to be my stand in. That's got to be that girl Jenny something. Wait! Don't go anywhere. I need to make some calls."

"Looks like you from the back," I spat.

"Just wait!"

She handed me my phone and headed back into my office. I could hear her yelling at someone on the phone, and finally she yelled, "Find her, and find her fast!"

I watched the video again. I couldn't make out the guy's face either, and I tried to find anything to prove it wasn't my wife. I couldn't find anything, so I called my agent.

"Steve," I grumbled, "Gianna says it's her body double from the movie. I have no idea what to believe right now, but we need to figure out who the guy is as well as the girl. I know everyone is saying it's Gianna and the pretty boy, but there has to be some way to verify that."

He said he'd get on it right away and keep me in the loop. All I knew was, I wanted to kill that pretty boy actor.

Gianna came out of the office with tears falling down her cheeks.

"Joe, you have to believe me."

"I don't know what to believe."

Then she complained of a headache and went to lay down.

*****

"Do you feel the same way about her today as you did when you first fell for her? Shae asked.

"It's different. I definitely still love her, that will never go away. Did the issues we had chip away at the love over time? I don't think so. It's like holding a ball of clay. You can press it into all kinds of different shapes, but the same amount of clay remains, you know?"

"No, I can't say I do. I don't think I've ever loved anyone like that. I sure would like to feel it though."

"You seem like a great girl, Shae. You've never been in love?"

"I've been in love, sure. I don't think I ever loved someone like you love Gianna. I'm not sure I'd have been strong enough to weather those storms. I guess it's like, where there's smoke there's fire."

"Sometimes, that's true. Other times, one has to fall back on their trust in their partner."

She sipped her drink and weighed what I told her. She might have thought I was just a pussy-whipped sucker for all I knew.

*****

It took three months to get the stand-in Jenny to admit that it was here and not Gianna in the video. I'd like to say those three months were good for us, but it turned out Gianna had been having headaches and blurred vision for a long time. She thought she needed glasses and kept putting it off because she was worried about how she'd look wearing them, but that wasn't the problem. She had an inoperable tumor.

I walked through the door to her hospital room, and she was asleep. The doctor told me, over the phone, the edema was bad, and she was getting worse. I took her hand and cried at the sight of her.

"I love you so much, Gianna Raine-Bowes."

"Best porn star name ever," she answered weakly.

"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't want to wake you."

"I was just resting my eyes." She smiled and squeezed my hand. "You were the best thing to ever happen to me, Joe. This thing's made me forget a lot, but I'll never forget the day we met."

I tried not to break down, but I failed and sobbed while I leaned over the bed onto her shoulder.

"Don't leave me, baby," I begged.

"I don't want to, my love, but my time's getting closer. I can't feel anything anymore."

I shook with more sobs.

"I was always faithful to you, baby," she whispered.

"I know, dear heart. I know."

The machines started chiming and a nurse rushed in. Her hand rubbed my back as I held my wife's limp body.

"Forever, love," I whispered.

*****

"She's been gone a few years now," Shae shrugged. "Don't you think it's time to share that immense love you're capable of with someone else? You're still young."

I smiled. "I think about it a lot, actually. With my kids away at school pushing me to move on. Kevin and Jan trying to set me up at a party." She blushed again. "Even my smoking hot co-host hits on me."

"See, there's..."

"I know there's other options out there, Shae. I know I can fall in love again. It's just I promised forever to my wife."

"Surely you don't believe those promises were meant to be kept if either of you passed away in your forties?"

"What if I'm happy with that?"

She stood and handed me a card.

"You're a great guy, Joe. I meant what I said before, I'm not going to give up. You're worth the effort. In the meantime, you've got my number. Call me anytime."

*****

Two months after meeting Shae, I sat in my living room alone as usual. I had just won ten grand on a game and, for a change, was in a rather good mood.

I poured myself a glass of wine and remembered it was the same wine Shae was drinking at the party. I smiled thinking about our conversation and walked over to the portrait of me and Gianna from our wedding.

"Oh, baby. I wish you were still here with me."

A tear fell down my cheek and I had an impulse to find my wallet. I smiled at her picture and walked into my bedroom.

I grabbed my phone and dialed the number.

"Hi, is this Shae?"