Hire a Hubby

We arrived and he shoved two glasses of cheap Brut at me, downing his own before picking up a third. I raised my eyebrows.

"Don't get wasted. You expect me to defend you if things go homophobic?" I squeezed his hand.

"Taking the edge off." He said. "It's off. Come on handsome, let's go make me look successful." He pulled me into the room and we politely made some hellos to people. Fuck, he really was the only gay one there. Just a sea of monogamous heterosexuality. And a few Mongrel Mob patches. I glanced at him and he shook his head.

"You think anything nasty will happen in here?" He gestured around the trussed up hall. Yeah. Way too soft. "We might skip the after party though." He mumbled.

We drifted aimlessly... well, not so aimlessly. I was following the waiters with the hors d'oeuvres and Harry rolled his eyes at me.

"Starving actor." I reminded him. "You can wipe that smile off your face." He kissed my forehead as we drifted towards more cheese and olives.

"Oh thank god." He whispered, looking over the crowd. He suddenly dragged me away from the food to my annoyance, and over to a short cherry looking dude with a tall willowy girlfriend.

"Jono!" He grinned. Jono looked equally relieved to see Harry.

"Harry, you fucker. I thought you were gonna stay in Wellington. Too metropolitan for us." Harry laughed.

"Wanted to see if you ever got that growth spurt you were on about."

"My growth spurt must have run away with your Year 10 girlfriend. Speaking of, this is Elsie." Elsie shook our hands. "We had lying about our height on dating profiles in common." Jono grinned.

"This is Hugh." Harry introduced me. It was the first person I'd been properly introduced to. I shook Jono's hand firmly and leant a little against Harry for support. "My fiance." He draped his arm around my waist and squeezed me loosely.

"Fiancé?" Jono raised his eyebrows. "Congratulations. Not you Hugh. Commiserations." I laughed.

"I'm with him for his money." Jono grimaced.

"You can do better." He said. "Get someone who invested in Bitcoin."

"What, you offering?" Jono laughed.

"I didn't. Warren probably did." He nodded to another guy who was heading towards us, that same look of relief on his face. "Dave'll be here too right?"

"Hope so." Harry looked around the room. "Honestly this is worse than real High School."

"I dunno." Jono said. "There are a lot of girls checking you out."

"Straight girls fetishising gay men, what's new?" Harry grumbled and I rolled my eyes at him.

Warren arrived and I glanced at him with a smile. "Hi, heard you invested in Bitcoin?"

"My fiance." Harry rolled his eyes. "Hugh this is Warren." Warren was awkward. Tall, pale, thin and looking horrifically uncomfortable. He shook my hand hesitantly.

"Andie's around here somewhere." He looked around and sighed. "There." He pointed to a devastatingly sexy woman who was holding two or three appetizers in her hand. I grinned as I watched her trying to manage as much food as possible and a red wine glass. She caught us looking and hurried over.

"Hey!" She swallowed her mouthful and slowly shook all our hands as we introduced each other. The boys started catching up on however many years. I guess that left me with Elsie and Andie, who were eying each other, frowning. Great.

I was relieved when Dave arrived. He was clearly the jock of the group although he seemed to have maybe gone to seed a bit. He was single and jolly and was flirting up a storm with Andie who was definitely flirting back, which we politely ignored. He was lively though, and his utterly inappropriate behaviour put me solidly in a conversation with Elsie.

"Poor Warren." She muttered. I looked at Warren. He didn't seem particularly concerned actually. He and Harry were arguing passionately about something boring and he didn't spare a glance for his girlfriend.

"He seems ok." I said. "Maybe he's magic in bed or something and doesn't need to worry." Elsie didn't look convinced. She shrugged.

"Harry must be relieved. He's the only gay man for miles. You're not running off with anyone here." I laughed.

"What, like you are?" She shrugged and smiled at me.

"It's in the realm of possibility."

"It's in the realm of possibility that I'm into women as well as men and I'm aching for pussy after a monogamous relationship with a guy for this long." Elsie looked at me shrewdly.

"You know what?" I shrugged questioningly at her. "I was wrong. Harry should definitely be worried." I blushed a little, in spite of myself.

She and Jono went to dance, and Dave and Harry were having a spirited game of dare, and ended up on the dance floor with them.

Andie caught my eye as they danced and took my hand. She played with the ring carefully, inspecting it from every angle. My heart beat faster as I watched her long fingers.

"That's not an engagement ring." She said eventually. I laughed and pulled away.

"It's my engagement ring." I said. "So I'm terribly sorry if it's not covered in diamonds. Not my thing." She rested her head on her hands and looked at me intensely.

"You two are fucking hot." She said quietly. "Ever do theeesomes?" I leant in close to her and pressed my mouth to her ear.

"All the time." I said. She glanced at me with a coy smile. "With men." I said, and stood up to go and dance with Harry.

I saw her watching. Maybe I even put on a bit of a show for her, letting Harry touch me a little sensually and shaking my ass a bit in her direction. She winked at me as she caught my eye.

"It's a tiny bit obnoxious of you to flirt with my best friend's girlfriend in front of me." Harry growled in my ear. I looked at him. Crap, crap, crap. That obvious huh? I'm such a dick. I pushed my hair off my face and put my arms around his waist as 1979 started playing.

"Our song." I said.

"Is it?" He laughed and I held him tighter, forcing him to dance with me. I smiled at him.

"Yeah. We had our first kiss while this was playing." I said and leaned up.

I couldn't take back flirting with Andie but I could re commit to him. I felt him stiffen up at first, and then almost immediately relax and let me lead the kiss. I moaned into his mouth in spite of myself. He was a very good kisser. I let my hand drift down his back and he chuckled, pulling away and moving my hand back to his waist.

"We're in public, doll." I smiled.

"Sorry for flirting." I squeezed his hips. "I'm just really good at it." He rolled his eyes.

"I know." He said.

——-

Harry's friends all agreed to do brunch the next day and we left early on the bus. He held me tight the whole way. He broke off as we stumbled into the apartment.

"Night then." He said with a yawn. I blinked. Ah. Yeah. This was all pretend.

"Night, Harry."

We both awkwardly moved towards the shower and fell back. I laughed.

"Go for it." I gestured.

"Join me?" He joked.

"Don't tempt me." I turned away and reached for a bottle of wine.

I drank at least half the bottle- and that was on top of at least six or nine glasses- I'd totally lost count. Harry pulled the glass out of my hand as he exited the shower, muttering something I didn't quite catch about slowing the fuck down. I looked at his damp, shirtless body, with his fluffy white towel wrapped around him. He glanced at me and I quickly got up to have my own shower and maybe sober up.

I took my time, trying to shake myself out of it. I'd never gone silly like this before. I'd never, ever fallen for a client. But then again. I think maybe... I think maybe I'd fallen for Harry a long time ago. Maybe that Christmas two years ago when we should have had our first kiss. If I wasn't so fucking straight back then.

——-

I walked out of the shower and he was wanking.

He had his legs spread and his huge, leaking cock out, and he was jerking his dick furiously, his head rolled back over the couch. I froze. Fuck you Harry.

And fuck me, Harry.

My body responded without input from my brain. I was across the room in seconds, my hands tangling themselves in his hair, my lips desperately falling into his. My dick rubbing against his hard cock.

"Fuck Harry." I moaned. "You know you're meant to save that for your room."

"Sorry." He panted between our tongues dancing over each other's lips. "Sorry, sorry, I was so fucking horny."

"Tell me about it."

"Thought you were straight."

"Yeah, totally." I wrapped my hands around our dicks and started rubbing them against one another. He groaned and his hands gripped my lower back, the top of my ass.

"Fuck I swear, this wasn't the plan..."

"I know, I know..." I tried to kiss him some more but my tongue was barely functioning. I panted, my tongue hanging out of my mouth and my head thrown back.

"Sweaty, red faced, almost spent, compliant..." He mumbled. He stroked my face. "That feels real good, baby boy."

"Shit. Almost spent is right. Fuck Harry, I'm going to cum." He groaned, and his fingers gripped me tighter.

"Cum for me baby boy."

"Yes, chef." I grunted and felt myself throb in my hands.

"Shit. Hugh. Fuck. Good boy." I squeezed our cocks, milking mine for all it was worth and watching my thick cum coating my hands with bleary eyes. I focussed on Harry as those tight abs clenched and his cum hit me in the chest. I moaned and fell against him.

He relaxed for a second with a sigh. I should have known he would tense up again. He blinked at me. I was fuck dumb. He was looking at me horrified, with all the post nut clarity I couldn't muster.

"Oh fuck. Hugh, sorry, fuck sorry..." I cut him off.

"Don't be sorry. Be mad. Be horny, be confused.., just please don't be sorry."

"Well yeah definitely horny and mad and confused." I pressed myself to him feverishly.

"Ok. Good start. I should have kissed you Harry. That Christmas. I didn't know... I thought there was straight and gay, you know. I didn't know."

"It's too late." He said, trying to pull away.

"It's not." I insisted.

He sighed and shook his head. He tried to get up but I wasn't making this easy for him.

"Dammit Hugh." He grunted as he stood up, picking me up at the same time, totally knocking the wind out of me. He threw me on the bed in my room and for a second I thought he was going to join me, but he backed away and paused at the door. "I'm not taking advantage of you after two bottles of wine."

He closed his door and I could hear the lock slide.

——

I woke up to the smell of him cooking eggs. I frowned and slowly made my way out of my bedroom. Hmmm. Not the worst hangover ever, but not the best I'd ever felt.

Harry wordlessly handed me a plate of food. I looked at his own. Bircher. He must have been cutting because otherwise I didn't understand how he was so built.

"Thought we were doing brunch." I murmured.

"Yeah. We'll both be less shit after a bit of food though."

He sat opposite me and I looked nervously at him. Ok. Time to try again. Sober.

"Thanks for not taking advantage last night." I said. His face was impassive. "But please feel free to take advantage of me anywhere, anytime. I should have kissed you years ago, and it's not too late, and if you want I could kiss you now. That's not me trying to make it up to you. That's me being selfish." Harry bit his lip. He was looking at me thoughtfully.

"I..." He trailed off as my phone started ringing. We both looked down at it, and almost comically Andie's face lit up the screen. Ah fuck. I forgot we exchanged numbers.

I glanced at Harry, it was too late. His face had fallen and he stabbed at the Bircher.

"Just answer it." He mumbled. I turned my phone over.

"No." I grabbed his hand. "Harry, come on." He sighed.

"What... what do you even want?"

"I want you to fuck me." He laughed.

"Not with the way you've been eating lately." I laughed and ran my foot up his calf.

"Fair. I'll uhhh... I'll take care of that when it comes to it."

"Just fucking then?"

"Well. I mean. Dates could be nice."

"They could be." I grinned at him.

"I'm so into you."

He looked up over his muesli and smiled at me. He reached across the table and ran his fingers through my hair.

"Is this the real you? How much was pretend?"

"None of it was pretend, I'm a fucking shit actor, why do you think I never get any work?"

"I've seen you. You're great."

"I said yes to this for the money but then we had dinner together, and you remembered I'm vegetarian, and you ate pizza like an absolute savage, and you like to be called chef... and it totally fucked me up for you." I admitted. "I was trying to be professional but... you had your dick out Harry, what was I meant to do? I'm only human." Harry bit his lip.

"So... I guess... I wanted you to walk in on me. I wanted to know if I was imagining it. This... the thing... between us."

"Told you I'm a bad actor." Harry took my hands and beamed at me across the table.

"Wish you'd kissed me that Christmas. That's what, three years we wasted?"

"Two and a half. And I didn't waste it, I'm a lot better in bed than I would have been." Harry raised his eyebrows.

"We'll see." He said. I felt a thrill run down my spine and my stomach tense up as I realised Harry really would fuck me. And probably I'd fuck him. I wanted to start immediately but Harry was standing up. "Brunch." He said firmly.

——-

We were very cuddly at brunch. I couldn't keep my hands off him. He pretended he was getting annoyed but I could see he liked it really. Warren and Andie were late, which was ok with me since I'd only just got to where I wanted with Harry and Andie was scarily captivating.

The guys had a time capsule buried and suggested just the four of them go, which left me, yet again, between Elsie and Andie- both who kind of saw through me and kind of hated each other. I ordered another mimosa. We talked a little about what we did and I kept 'being a failed actor' as vague as possible. Eventually Elsie excused herself for the bathroom.

Andie fanned herself.

"You're very sweet on your fiancé today." I shrugged as she lit a cigarette. "Are you trying to make up for shaking your ass at me last night?" I laughed.

"Maybe a little." I shrugged. "Hey Andie..." I tried to hit the right tone. . . "Are you really with Warren?" She grinned.

"Warren won't be happy with how obvious that was."

"Ah well. Takes a whore to know a whore." I grinned at her and waved as I saw Harry and the others in the distance.

"You're better than me." She whispered. "You have everyone fooled. I don't think I do."

"Probably helps that I actually like Harry. You can't stand Warren." She nodded.

"He's a cunt." She said. I wrinkled my nose. Awkward maybe, but he wasn't that bad. "Harry's nice. Maybe I could have done a better job than you if he were straight." I grinned, thinking about last night.

"Doubt it." She grinned at me and I turned away as Harry approached. His eyes were a little moist. All the boys were. I entwined my hand with his and said nothing.

--

I was in the shower, taking my time. I had asked Harry to join me but he was too busy being pedantic about whether the Air BnB looked ok. So I just jerked off, in my own little world.

I was beyond confused when I got out of the shower and drifted into the living room, totally nude, and Harry wasn't there. Andie was. She grinned at me and raised her eyebrow.

"Hey."

I lost my shit a little bit. I was totally confused and it took her a minute to calm me down... but even that only lasted a second as I realised exactly what had happened. She'd told Harry I told her everything- which as far as she knew I had. She told him she wanted to give me a lift back to Wellington because we had something. And he left. He left.

He just... fucking left.

And he wouldn't pick up my calls.

--

I never did Hire-a-Hubby again. My friends figured I'd got drunk and done something stupid, and Harry told them I'd run off with some woman. Only word must have got back to him at some point that there wasn't a woman and I was slowly drowning myself in alcohol and cigarettes. Because he started to call me.

So I blocked his number.

Then I got an audition. The director loved me. Said I had the troubled good boy turned bad look for the role and before I knew it I was living in Auckland and acting on a soap opera. I mean THE soap opera. It was a total betrayal of my drama school background but shit I was grateful for the South Pacific Productions paycheques.

And now... here he fucking was. In fucking Eketahuna. And... my fucking piece of shit Renault wouldn't start. I knew learning to drive was a bad idea.

Fucking fuck. I leant back in the seat and hit the dashboard a few times. It wasn't gonna help. I heard a knock at the window.

I glanced out and rolled it down.

"Need a jump?" Harry asked.

—

We leapfrogged back to Wellington and he signalled for me to follow him, so I did. We parked up outside his place, a small one storey granny flat with a veggie patch out the front. He helped me out of my car.

"Guessing you're alone for Christmas?" Not such an amazing guess, I was always alone for Christmas.

"Not really my thing." I shrugged. He hustled me into his house and poured me some wine. It smelt amazing in there- there was a turkey in the slow cooker and he had a real Christmas tree in one corner- decorated garishly with tinsel and homemade decorations.

"Expecting someone?" He shook his head.

"Orphans Christmas." He blushed as he remembered but I smiled to show him it was okay. I've been an orphan for a long time now. "I do it every year. Sometimes a lot of people come through, sometimes no one." I laughed.

"Well, I guess there's me this year." I bit my lip as I swirled my wine. "Nice to see you Harry."

"You too, movie star."

"Shut up." I grinned at him. "Telly star maybe."

"Do you and Mer ever get back together?"

"My NDA says that's none of your business."

"Do you ever get caught for tax evasion?"

"Does it matter? When does anyone get in trouble for tax evasion?"

"Does your mum ever realise you slept with your sister?" I rolled my eyes.

"Didn't think you were the type for Shortland St? Since when did you watch soap operas?" Harry shrugged at me and stood up.

"Couple of years maybe." He said. He looked at me and I blushed. "Here. You do the carrots."

"I don't cook."

"Well I'm not cooking a whole meal for you, no matter how famous you are. Rinse all the dirt off them, top and tail them and I'll tell you what to do next." I stood up and rinsed off the carrots. They were misshapen, all different sizes and colours. I looked at them dubiously.

"These alright?" Harry nudged me in the ribs.

"Better than alright. Grew them myself. Picked them this morning." I glanced at him.

"The hell were you doing in Eketahuna?"

"Seeing my sister. She runs the petrol station." I nodded.

"You don't stay with her for Christmas?"

"No. I like to have it here. I usually collect a stray or two." He grinned at me. "Olive oil in that pan." I obeyed, reaching for the well used cast iron. I almost dropped it as I heard a tapping at the window and looked into the eyes of a Magpie.

"Shit!" I jumped. Harry laughed and opened the window.

"Come in." He said. "Hugh, this is Gareth." I rolled my eyes at Harry and nodded wearily at the bird, who was perched on Harry's shoulder.

"Hi." I said.

"You remember Hugh don't you?" Harry- there was no way round it- stroked the magpie who looked at me with its head cocked.

"You're mad." I told Harry. He laughed.

"I pick up strays." He said. "Gareth likes you." As if to confirm this the bird hopped down his arm and dropped a bottle cap on the bench in front of me.

"Thanks." I said flatly.

"Give him a cricket." Harry gestured to a bowl of dried bugs I hadn't seen. I shuddered, but I obeyed and held one out cautiously. Gareth ripped it out of my hand and made a dark chuckling sound in his throat. He hopped back up Harry's shoulder and nuzzled his head. "See, told you he was nicer in person." Harry said to the bird. "We'll be eating dinner around 8 so if you want some turkey, come back then." The bird hopped out the window again and I stared at Harry.