Hit'n Those Notes Ch. 10

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Thursday, March 29th, 12:47 PM

"I don't have a problem, but... But you do," I replied defiantly, awkwardly, and without as much anger as was boiling inside of me from this whole Tyler situation.

The initial confrontation spiked my anxiety to the point that it brought on a panic attack, which ramped up my fears about anything and everything. Can I breathe? Are people watching you? Will I have to fight her? Am I going to pass out? If I pass out, will I get taken to a hospital in an ambulance? I, I need more air!

While the panic attack didn't just disappear when I walked away from the initial contact with Jennifer, getting away from the source of my angst was a tiny, tiny bit of relief. Of course, that got flushed when she had to pursue me for more. More what? What would I call this? Conflict? A righting of the world's balance?

I looked at her, trying to gauge where this was going to go, all the while thinking, 'You're really not who I want to unload on. Can't you get that through your head?'

Dana slid in between the two of us, "Okay, not here... Let's take this outside."

We were starting to get onlookers, so the suggestion was probably a good one. I hoped mom couldn't see me, and I fought the urge to look behind me to see where she was.

"No... I want to know why this," she considered calling me some name, but thought better of it in a crowded expo with so many others just like Dana and me, "Giving us attitude about Tyler."

"Jen, this isn't the place for," Dana began to say.

"The fuck it isn't," she interrupted him while holding her glare on me. She looked like she wanted me dead, to squish me under her shoe to a pulp like some defenseless bug.

"You ever think the real issue here is your man," Kaley said, tossing a cup full of gas on an already-going blaze. She'd guessed correctly that that was what this confrontation really boiled down to.

"Screw you. I'm not talking to you, bitch," Jennifer stuck back.

Kaley took a step toward her, but Dana was making it known with his body position that there wasn't going to be a physical scene here. More people were stopping and were looking at the four of us, wondering what was going on.

"Seriously, Jen," Dana grabbed her arm tentatively, "Outside... Now..." The tone said he wasn't making a request; it was more of an order, delivered with more authority than I think she was expecting from him.

"Fine... But this is bitch is going to explain what the fucking attitude is all about, or I swear I'm going to fuck her ass up," she replied and walked around Dana, Kaley, and me towards the expo's exit.

Oh, fuck me! What rabbit hole am I going to go down by being part of...

"Brea, I don't know what's going on, but I've got a good idea. Come outside, tell her what happened, and I promise to drag her out of here," Dana said, his voice heavy with concern.

"Dana, you know what happened," I said quietly.

Kaley's face screamed 'WTF!' and she tried to get my attention by raising an eyebrow, but I kept my focus on Dana.

"Actually, I don't, but I'm pretty sure I can guess. Tyler is a real dick, Brea. I'm really sorry... I should have warned you. I just didn't think he would," he stopped speaking and then looked like he wanted to be anywhere other than right here having to deal with his shithead brother's mess.

"Yeah, well, it was a huge mistake on my part." I turned to look at Kaley, "Keep my mom distracted. Tell her I have to deal with something show-related."

Kaley of course protested, but Dana assured her there would be no physical confrontation or anything crazy happening between Jennifer and me. Kaley was understandably angry and maybe a little hurt about being left to deal with my mom, but in the end, she knew I needed to keep my mom out of this for far too many reasons to list.

Dana and I headed towards the exit for a confrontation I wasn't looking forward to having. Jennifer wasn't the one I wanted to unload on, but she needed to know what that fucker was capable of. I was sure she already knew he was a cheat.

Thursday, March 29th, 12:53 PM

Outside the expo banquet room, we walked towards Jennifer, now a good twenty to thirty feet down the hall. She had her phone out and looked to be texting someone - likely Tyler. Good, get his ass down here! I would love to give him a good piece of my mind!

"Jen," Dana began tentatively, "I really think you need to hear Breanna out."

"There's no way Tyler was with... With this," she said, moving a hand towards me as if she were trying to wave a cloud of smoke away from herself, "Was he drunk? Is that how you desperate to be women types operate?"

No, you fucking didn't say that!

"Look, you can believe what you want, but your man is a cheating fuck," I shot back angrily.

Those words spewed faster from my lips than I could process fully. I was nervous and on panic overload, and I can't remember the last time my heart was hammering this hard in my chest. I was determined to make my point.

"He pursued me, and to be honest, I don't often," I stopped speaking, sounding frustrated, which I was because I didn't feel like I could make the point I needed to or wanted to. "Whatever. It was a mistake, but he was the one who..."

Jennifer lunged at me, but Dana was able to wrap his arms around her waist to restrain and hold her back.

"You fucking bitch. I don't believe you," she cried while trying to wriggle out of Dana's grasp. "He isn't gay! He would never fuck some transvestite slut!"

Her coming at me like that, unexpectedly, made me jump back a step. She was wrestling to get out of Dana's hold, and that made me even more panicked. Her hate though - holy shit! This chick is bat shit crazy! She was screaming at me and few people walked by watching us were certainly getting a show.

"You make me sick. Everyone like you, you're all fucking loser women wannabe tranny whores. You can't deal with being gay, so you switch teams thinking it's going to wash that stigma away and make it all better," she said tauntingly. "Fucking pathetic! You'll never be a woman. No man wants you! Men will never want you. You fucking fake ass bitch..."

Breathing was getting tougher to do, and as on edge as I was, I didn't know how to respond to her pure hatred of me. My skin bristled, I was chilled, and I felt like there was a ringing in my ears. I wasn't the problem; Tyler was the one she should be angry with. If I had known he was engaged, it NEVER would have happened. I didn't chase him; he...

"That's it, Jen; you're done here. Go find Tyler and deal with getting the truth you want to hear from him," Dana barked, spinning her around and pushing away from me as she continued to struggle to get free.

"Fuck you, Dana... You're no better than he is, IT is," she said, swinging an arm in my direction as if she could get at me with at least five feet between us now and Dana holding her back.

"Jen... You know this isn't the first time he's done..."

She cut him off, "He's fucking engaged now, Dana!" She said his name as if it were an insult or something that tasted foul in her mouth.

"I know, but you know for a fact he's been with other..."

Again, she cut him off again, "I fucking swear I'll kick your ass too if you call IT a woman again. IT, that's an IT. A fucking dude in women's clothing... Fuck you! Fuck you both!" She stepped backwards to deliver her best verbal kill shot - "You enjoy taking it up the ass? You fucking bitch..."

She delivered all that sounding as if she was running out of gas. She was frustrated, hurt, and maybe near breaking down herself. I didn't know what to say; I saw movement coming towards us from down the hall. Two guys, they were in uniform and running our way. Oh shit!

Cops or security personnel were heading straight for us. Please don't be cops! Please don't be...

"Fuck you both! If I see you again, you fucking... I'm going to...," she said angrily as her voice faded.

The first security guard came up quickly behind Jennifer and barked at her, "Back up, move away! Now!"

That shocked her into momentary silence as she swung around to see a large Samoan looking guy yelling at her. The other guard moved in to corral Dana and me away from her a few steps. He was a little more polite since we didn't appear to be losing our shit like Jennifer was.

Of course, the questions flew once they had us separated. Dana did most of the talking in regards to answering them, explaining there was a misunderstanding between Jennifer and me concerning her fiancé. The guard seemed to get it, but asked all the liability-type questions you'd expect:

"Did anyone hit anyone?"

"Where's the guy?"

Blah, blah, blah... It was very embarrassing and demeaning, and NOW we had a crowd of eight or eleven people gawking. I could see them whispering back and forth and that only added to my embarrassment.

Ten feet away, the other guard was asking Jennifer pretty much the same things, and she wasn't holding back; it was pathetic to hear her bitching and yelling with no regard to being a decent human. I distinctly heard her blaming me for sleeping with her fiancé to the other guard. Wonderful! I wanted to melt into the carpet. Dana shook his head and tried to reassure me that I was the victim in all of this.

Really? You think?! Fuck you, Dana...

I kept coming back to the same question: where did this woman's hate come from? I mean, seriously, I've never been berated like this face-to-face. Yeah, I get shit like this sent to me on Instagram and Twitter all the time, but in person and when I'm not really at fault? What the hell?! Those attacks online are so much worse and vile - but can be easily ignored. Sure, they make me feel a little hopeless, lost, worthless, and very much alone in my transition, but I usually just hit 'delete' and blocked the sender. Fucking trolls! Jennifer was a fucking trolls in-person!

She just didn't want to believe Tyler was the problem and was lashing out at me. Didn't make any of this past ten minutes justifiable. And all this just added to my inner turmoil and with so many out there wanting to make me feel small or... Augh! Stop!!!

I replayed her saying, 'No man wants you! Men will never want you!' Taking in a long, slow breath, I wondered if I was really unlovable, undesirable. My psyche was taking a deep dive into a dark, dark place. Could this trip to Vegas get any worse?

Thursday, March 29th, 1:19 PM

When everyone's statements had been gathered and the two guards had finished conferring, the taller of them - the one who had interviewed Dana and me, said to Jennifer, "Miss, you're leaving this area or you'll be removed and trespassed on from the property."

She looked a little surprised by the request to leave - a command, actually, and she almost looked like she was about to protest but thought better of it.

"Fuck you..." Was her reply as she turned and started down the hall towards the lobby. She raised both hands up high, flipping everyone off for good measure. No doubt the bulk of that gesture was meant for me. So classy. Whatever...

A couple of the people watching clapped, and there were even a few who laughed at her as she made her exit. I just wanted out of here.

"Let's give her a couple minutes to get clear of the lobby. My partner is going to make sure she's going back to her room." We could see his hulk of a partner trailing Jennifer. "Did either of you," he corrected himself; "I mean did you want to press charges or anything? Do you feel threatened or unsafe?"

Threatened? There was certainly a threat made; what part of Dana telling you about that did you miss, I wondered. Was I feeling unsafe? Geez! Yeah -- like every single day! I just wanted out of here, so I wasn't giving this guy anything to keep me around any longer.

"I'm pretty sure I'll be fine." Could he tell that was a lie? Fuck it...

"Sir," the guard said, asking the same of Dana.

"Jennifer is engaged to my brother. I'm sure there will be some uncomfortable moments before this event is over. I'm not worried about any of that, if that's your question," Dana said.

"Alright then," he pulled out a card for each of us, "Feel free to call the number on the card or the front desk if there are any more issues. You can also dial 911 from within the hotel; there's no need to worry about an outside line. You two have a better day."

Dana thanked him, while I just stared absently at his card. The people gathered to watch this train wreck had moved on - thank God! I tried not to think about those couple negative looks I'd gotten from our impromptu audience. Whatever, I needed to get back to my mom.

"I need to go," I told to Dana.

"I'm so sorry, Brea," he replied.

"Wasn't your fault, Dana, I... He just hit me on a low, and I was so desperate to be normal and feel normal. I didn't think any of that night out..." I looked down as the tears began to flow.

Dana hugged me, assuring me again that this wasn't my fault and that I was valid, beautiful, and worthy. I tried to steel my nerves and get a grip, and when I thought I had it together, I thanked him.

He said he was going to the pool, inviting me to come with him. I said I needed some time to process. I hate drama, I hate conflict, and I especially hate people who are driven to hate. Was this encounter as crazy as it could have been? Ah, I'm pretty sure this ranks as the worst in-person confrontation I've ever been a part of. I headed for my room, texting Kaley as I walked toward the elevators.

Thursday, March 29th, 1:51 PM

I texted mom to say I was done with the sound check (a little white lie for her protection) when I got back to my room. I told her I was going to skip going out to lunch with her and Kaley.

Her reply: 'What's wrong?'

Me: 'Nothing; I just have a headache, and I'm going to lay down for an hour. I didn't get much sleep last night; you might recall me looking like death this morning. LOL'

She seemed to accept that and said she'd come by around 4:00 PM to wish me luck before I headed out to the show at 5:00 PM. I told her that would be perfect. Of course, while that text exchange was going on, I was having another one with Kaley. I had to be careful not to screw up who got what message.

Me: 'That was fun, not!'

Kaley: 'What happened?! Where RU?'

Me: 'Too much to text--in my room, can you come, 601.'

Kaley: 'Be there shortly. I have your shoes.' Smiley face and shoe emojis.

Me: 'Oh crap, I totally forgot! Thank U!' Kissy face emoji.

Thursday, March 29th, 2:13 PM

The knock on the door literally made me jump! I knew it had to be Kaley, but I walked slowly to the door, listening for any voices, and looked out the peephole, studying the person standing there. I let out a BIG sigh of relief before I pulled the door open.

"My shooooes," I said, trying to sound like I wasn't still rattled and everything was good.

Kaley took a second to look me over and asked, "Are you okay?"

She knew I wasn't just by looking at me. Was my negative and deflated vibe that strong right now? Did I sweat panic beads and they dried on my skin and I stunk?

"Yeah, I'm getting there. Not what I needed today or while on this trip."

"Look, you couldn't have known that guy was engaged and that bitch of his," she said, sounding frustrated. "I so wanted her to come at me, I swear I would have fucked that bitch up!"

Kaley wasn't one to sit back and take shit. She pursued everything with zeal and fierceness I could only hope to one day have. Every guy she'd dated since I knew her got that message pretty quickly and didn't usually stick around after she shut them down for being idiots or thinking they could use her. I often wondered if JJ from the jazz club could handle her; he was overly nice to women while working at the club. Would she call him on it or would he stop that if they ever started dating?

As for Jennifer, I could see Kaley mopping the floor with her, so I was smiling after her comment. God that would have been something to see, but probably not very satisfying in the end.

"Okay, start from the beginning. I think I got the basic problem that bitch had, but," she flashed a devious smile, "You've been a busy woman since arriving in Vegas."

I could feel the rush of blood warming my face and knew I was blushing pretty hard. If there was anyone in this world, I could talk to about ANYTHING, it was Kaley. Sure, mom was nearly as good as Kaley, but there's no way I would ever talk about sex with mom - at least not pre-SRS / GCS. Maybe not even after surgery...

I began telling her the story from the beginning. Did she have any uncomfortable questions? Hello! Of course, she did! I expected this was going to be uncomfortable, but I needed someone to listen to me and get my feelings dealt with. I did my best to skim over the naughty bits, but if she asked, I tried my best to expound on my feelings or explain in further detail.

So now, all cards on the table - everything I felt about that night with Tyler was tainted, stained, and eating away at my core. I told her as much. I accomplished nothing and didn't advance myself in regards to my transition.

Kaley was studying me, looked to be considering something, and asked, "Did you feel desired?"

I answered a little embarrassed, "Yes. I felt like who I was supposed to be, if that's what you're asking."

"It is. And he saw you naked, got you to the Big O, and he got his rocks off too?"

"Really? You didn't get that already from my dissertation on this?"

"Oh, I got it, but I'm wondering if YOU got it. If you got any of what you told me of how you were desired, wanted, and were that woman that made him cum..."

"What's that got to do with anything," I asked, a little confused by the point she was trying to make.

"The point is, it sounds like he saw you for who you are, and in the moment, there was a lot of lust going both ways. Yeah, the dude gets no pass for being a slime-ball-fuck-head who cheated on his fiancé, but with the way you describe it, he treated you as who you truly are inside," she argued, trying to make me see some positive in that fling.

I had to think about it more and maybe sort of agree. I countered with, "Maybe he was just trying to conquer a Trans woman? Or get his rocks off? I can't help but feel like he knew I was vulnerable and maybe an easy target..."

That last thought depressed me, so I switched up the conversation and told her about Wyatt kissing me last night. That sparked a whole other line of questions and a heated conversation about why I hadn't pursued him. She let me vent my feelings about Wyatt and some more thoughts I had about Tyler, and then I realized I'd been talking nonstop for too long. She had been listening for almost five minutes without a single question, follow-on question, or comment.

"You need to reset, refocus..." She got up and pulled a bottle of water from the mini-fridge. "Want one?" I nodded 'Yes'. She grabbed me a bottle, then sat back down on the love seat sofa.

"Jennifer, she's screwed; let that bitch's shit go. Look, she'll be married and divorced five or six times over her lifetime. She'll end up being an old cat lady, one of those ones that hang plates on their walls, and certainly she'll end up alone. That's not you; that's not where you're heading. Tyler, you got something out of it, unfortunately enough crap to negate anything good from it. And now this Wyatt guy - tell me again how men aren't interested in the woman you are?"

I couldn't help but laugh at the plate thing. I appreciated her points, which were basically saying I wasn't going to be anything like Jennifer and maybe, just maybe I wouldn't end up alone.

"I'm impatient about wanting to live my life completely as who I was meant to be, which does me no favors, I know. But every miss-gendering, every 'what-if' I beat myself up about, not wanting to remember the old me, not wanting to leave parts of my old self behind, seeing couples together everywhere, all of it knocks me down, and I struggle to get up sometimes."