Hit'n Those Notes Ch. 10

"I know Brea; we've talked about a lot of this over the past three years. What am I telling you constantly?"

"Yeah, 'Be the best version of myself'," I said a little whiny.

"And..."

"'Forgive myself'," I said, like I was replying to someone who'd just scolded me.

"Right! So, reset. What are you here to do? Find love in a town that could care less about anything but being stupid with your money, drinking too much, or some fling?"

"I get it, Kal's..." I said, sounding dejected.

Augh, pick a feeling and stick with it! Stop being a victim!

"Ok, then if you get it, stop playing the victim," she said gruffly. "I love you, but I'm not going to put up with you wallowing on the pity train. Pity, guilt, not standing up for yourself - all toxic... And not that Britney Spears Toxic shit..."

She was smiling, and I got it. Reset. Screw Jennifer and Tyler. Forgive myself, learn from this, and move on. Easier said than done, but it's what...

A knock at the door made me jump again, and after looking at the door, I looked at Kaley as if SWAT or someone was going to burst in.

"Probably just your mom," she said, rising and walking to the door. After a quick peek through the peephole, she opened the door. I could see Blake and Karen Cole.

Oh Jesus! Please don't be here because of Tyler. I heard Kaley speaking, "Can I help you?"

"Hi, we're," Blake began.

"You're Blake Schultz; I don't know your partner, though," Kaley replied.

"Oh... Yes, I'm Blake, this is Karen Cole. We're running the competition and got a report about an incident involving Breanna," he said, making it sound like a question - the incident portion of his statement. He could see me sitting on the bed; why not just speak to me? Fuck!

"Come on in," I said.

Kaley moved aside and let them in. I was dreading this for so many reasons, but my biggest concern was whether I was about to be kicked out of the competition. Nothing happened; how could they want to kick me out. I could feel my body shiver just thinking about that prospect.

"Hi, Breanna," Karen started. "Like Blake mentioned, we got a report of an incident near the expo, and we're just here to make sure you're alright and to see if there's anything we can do to make you feel safer around the property."

Blake looked like he wanted to add to what Karen had said but remained silent.

"I'll be fine; thank you for coming to check on me," I said, hoping they weren't going to press for any details and had gotten enough from the security guards to be satisfied that nothing really happened other than some chick went psycho.

"I saw the report; it looks like a misunderstanding, but not something along the lines of the protestors from last night," Karen continued. "We just want you to feel safe and comfortable with your stay, and of course for the performance tonight."

"I'm ready to perform, and I don't think there will be any other problems the rest of my stay. I really do appreciate you both checking in on me."

Oh my God! Did Blake read what the guards wrote? What did they write? My stomach rolled and gurgled loudly.

"I haven't eaten lunch yet," I said, trying to explain away the loud speaker my stomach was right now.

"Okay... We'll get out of your hair then. Good luck tonight," Karen said.

"Yeah, good luck; you could win this thing," Blake said as he and Karen made their way to the door. I got up and walked with them to see them out.

When the door closed, I huffed a slow breath, "Good God... Will this day ever get any better?"

"Reset..." Kaley said from behind me, "Refocus..."

"Yeah, yeah... I got that," I said, returning to the pile of blankets on the bed I had been wrapped in. Thank God I had thrown a t-shirt on over my bikini top. Augh!

Why was it that this swimsuit looked amazing the day I bought it and today it looks like crap?! I tried to remember the day I bought it: sunny, not rushed, the store wasn't crowded, and my hair and makeup were PERFECT! Wait, that's it! That's why my suit looked so much better the day I bought it - perfect hair and makeup. Today, not so perfect...

Get over it! Screw the negative feedback looks I might have gotten while at the expo or pool! Reset! Refocus!

"What about Blake," Kaley asked.

"Huh?" Wait a second, Blake? "You talk to my mom," I sort of snapped at her.

"Easy, gurl-fren, she might have mentioned him," Kaley replied casually.

I chuckled, "Mentioned? She thinks he likes me or something because he's been so nice to me." I was having trouble expressing how I felt about mom meddling, "He's nice enough... But what happened to being here to win a singing competition? Reset, refocus?"

"I know, but... He's a good-looking guy. What's he, about twenty-eight?" she asked, smiling.

"He'll be thirty next month."

Why was I indulging her with this line of conversation?

"I said reset, not be celibate," she said with a giggle.

"He's not interested, Kaley, I know... He is just a guy who recruited me. I seriously don't get any vibes from him."

"Did you look at him while he was here?"

"I saw him, but I was more focused on Karen," I said, wondering if I had missed something.

"I watched him... I've seen that look, Brea; there's more than a passing interest. My opinion," she said, not laying it on all that thick.

"I need a reset and a refocus, not another fling... Plus, anything with him would be complicated. I'm not ready to put myself out there and get what I got with Tyler. I'm done with guys for awhile..."

"I'm pretty sure this guy has his shit together... But stick with the plan. Reset and Refocus. So, are we eating room service or what?"

"Yeah, stick with the plan. And, 'Yes', I'm buying room service; the menu is right behind you.

I watched her pick up the menu, "Oooo, why do Chili Cheese Steak Fries sound good?"

"Sounds disgusting to me," I said, laughing; she giggled a bit also.

OK, reset, refocus, eat, get a nap, get some loving from mom, get down to the stage, and sing my ass off! There's no right way to do this Trans thing; I needed to believe that more than I have lately. I also needed to forgive myself for the shit I couldn't control and not take every misstep as a crushing blow to everything I'd worked so hard to accomplish during my transition.

Was it like this for others who were transitioning? It had to be; I can't be the only one feeling adrift or disconnected. As logical as all my inner pep talk was, it was easier said than done. Truth: I was giving away too much power over my self-perception to society and not enough validation of who I am or who I was meant to be. This competition was a huge opportunity to be visible and to show people that Trans people were valid, even in this CIS-narrative society we lived in. Reset, refocus, believe in yourself...

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Author's Note:

Don't be afraid to rate this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so, and there are no prizes for most 'Rates'). If you comment, I will reply directly to you (if you have an account) or in the comments if you're anonymous, so let's chat...

If there are problems or you have criticisms you'd like to share privately, feel free to message me; I'd love to address them if I can.

I'm trying to grow as a storyteller; I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Rachel M. Moore