Hold Me Now - Alive and Kicking

"You sure?" Skinner held my hand.

"I'm sure." I said.

---- ----

Pip took it in his stride. I told him just before I told my Mum. She took it ok. She cried. But she still loved me. I didn't tell her EVERYTHING because no parent needs to worry that much about their wayward son. But I felt better for telling her.

We didn't tell Dad. No point. He didn't remember me.

--------

I didn't start working right away. We were doing promo for our album which was more hyped than I expected. I had some surprising interviews queued up over the next few months. The usual gay publications. The usual music ones. Also The Spinoff wanted to talk, and RNZ was considering having me on KIM HILL. National icon KIM HILL. My mother would be listening. And the rest of my family. Everyone.

Life calmed down. I was right. Access had been my biggest hurdle. Pip and I hung out all the time, I FaceTimed with the band, I took odd jobs moonlighting in bars and dog walking. Hordes released our album to applause, to my delight. The guys secretly talked up my own little EP- working title- unambiguously: I do Cocaine. I'd probably come up with something better before I released it. Fuck, I hoped I'd come up with something better before I released it. It was meant to be mournful and sexy and I really didn't need images of coke addled clowns drifting through peoples heads as they listened.

Six months passed in the blink of an eye. I was doing some recording for Hordes because we'd decided to release our concept album: Samson after all. I was feeling almost myself. I looked almost normal again- still a bit skinny and sick but not like my eyes were about to fall out of my head, and you couldn't count my ribs anymore.

I still wasn't WORKING working. I didn't really need to. Ends were being met. Hourly wage was a bit pitiful and the cost of living wasn't exactly set to get any better with a potential fucking terrible change of government looming, but my regular outgoing expenses were nothing compared to what they used to be.

I did take a few guest shifts though, back in my old haunt. Romeos needed a manager for a couple of nights here and there and I shyly suggested I could do it. It was weird. Like stepping back in time. Everything was the same. The usual kind of shit show with staff with too much banter and the customers who knew all of us- except for me. I guess I just blended in. I liked it. It was almost a prívelege to be nobody for a bit.

----- Who's got the touch to calm the storm inside?----

On bad, weird days, I would ask Pip or a friend of his to babysit me. We would go on a big walk, or to the zoo, or swimming if the weather was good. My circle was very, very small. Intentionally. I remember walking up Cuba St one day and hiding in someone's fire escape as I saw Lou and Brent- two of Bailey's best friends. My heart took ages to calm down and I decided Cuba St was too risky, unless I wore like... a disguise. I didn't even think B was IN the city- but I didn't really want to catch up with people who used to think I was cool and let them work out what a loser I was now.

Anyway, I was having that kind of day. Pip and I went out for coffee, joking with each other about me paying because I was famous, or him paying because I was a wreck. We laughed as we stepped into the City Gallery next door and suddenly he turned, blocking me from moving forward.

"I've fucked up." His eyes widened. "I absolutely fucking forgot they'd changed exhibits."

"What is it?!" I tried to look over his shoulder. "Like, drug sampling? Can't be that... bad..." I trailed off as I managed to push him aside. Ahhh.

'Why he left me'

A Bailey Green installation.

"Oh." I said flatly.

"Let's go somewhere else." Pip suggested. I sighed. Bailey's art was always so good though.

"It's ok." I said quietly. "He's amazing. It's been a few years. I'll manage."

"Are you... over him?" Pip asked quietly. I rolled my eyes.

"Pip, how many boyfriends have I had?"

"Three including B?" He winced. "And god knows how many in Melbourne."

"Barely one." I snorted. "And we can't count Tony Jackson. Which means 2. Of COURSE I'm not over B! But I know he's engaged so..." Pip bit his lip.

"They broke up." He said quietly. "Umm. I think this exhibition might explore that."

"Who on earth leaves Bailey?!" I marvelled as I stared at the posters.

"You did actually." Pip glanced at me. "He cried for weeks."

"Well so did I." I sighed. "I wanna see it."

"Ok..." Pip took a deep breath. "Haven't seen it by the way. But I think I saw one or two of the things he was working on... this is... I think this might be... confronting."

"Ok." I nodded. "Ready for it."

"Ok."

The attendant did a double take as they saw me. I was beginning to recognise that look. I almost asked if they wanted an autograph but I managed to control myself. They ran their fingers through their hair as they stared at me, stamping my wrist for entrance.

"Enjoy the third room." They said slowly, locking eyes with me. I glanced at Pip. His face was unreadable.

There were three rooms, each of which had a neon sign above the doorway; Reason One. The first said.

It was cool at first- you were caught in a maze with flickering signs highlighting words from various speeches that were playing in the background, almost broken into a soft rhythmic chant. The words and lights got more chaotic as you shuffled slowly through, and if you were looking in the right places at the right times: faces of various New Zealand politicians loomed over you in the dark. The ending was corny as hell though, and I rolled my eyes at B. The lights and sounds grew louder and more chaotic until everything started to flicker, and finally, stop. And in the corner of the room, just as you hit liminal space to the next room, there was a dusty stack of $20. I snorted and shook my head. Wow, B. Money corrupts, amazing insight.

The next room was Reason Two, no shit. That was a room of maps. I liked that one a lot. I always liked the map foldouts in books and stuff. There were green pins everywhere labelled B. All across the world. He'd been travelling, clearly. I noticed there were two shades of green as I perused the room. The only time they were ever together was when they were in Wellington. I snorted as I saw the lighter green pop up in various parts of Australia and noticed in a gentle script 'Here be dragons' scrawled across Melbourne. Brunswick actually, when I looked closer. I pursed my lips.

But room three. Well.

I walked through the threshold and stopped. I stared at the room, and slowly turned to Pip. He glanced at me and smiled thinly.

"Am I hallucinating?" I asked him. He shook his head.

"No." He mumbled. "Are you ok?"

We stepped slowly into the centre of the room; confronted with a- maybe to scale, I don't fucking know, statue. B always did like riffing off other people's art- using figures everyone knew and twisting them in different directions. The first thing you saw walking into the room was the statue- David, right? Only not David. Me. Every single piece of art in that room was me.

The Mona Lisa- but me. The Sleeping Gypsy- but me. The Lacemaker- but ME. A portrait of Bert and Ernie... but me, and him. There were... 30? 40? Derivative artworks and they were all... me. And at the end of the room there was a flashing neon sign, which I knew he must have wired himself.

"You never got over him, did you?"

I couldn't stomach it. I clutched Pip's arm.

"Bad idea." I mumbled. "Very, very, awful, no good, bad idea." Pip squeezed my arm back.

"Let's go to the zoo." He suggested.

-----------

I, of all people, will tell you that choosing not to process something is damaging. I will also tell you that choosing not to process something until you've talked to your therapist is just being smart about it.

I was great at putting things in boxes. Good things, bad things, uncomfortable things. I knew I didn't need to seal off the box forever. I could just wait until I was ready. It was Saturday. My therapist would be with me on Thursday. I made it almost that long without allowing myself to indulge in a single thing I'd seen at the gallery. I didn't know what it meant. I didn't know if I cared, right that second. Thank God I had Romeos to distract me.

After a day slinging sandos and natural wine, my cover arrived, and I took a quick break before I planned to clean up for the end of my shift.

I stood outside and leaned against the wall, thinking about my upcoming interviews and how on earth I could make Kim Hill like me. She never liked guys like me. Ugh. Don't meet your heroes. I started planning some bits in my head, glancing at my phone to check the time and rolling my eyes as some idiot started to walk in the front door with a lit cigarette.

"Woah, woah, woah." I caught their back. "Filthy smokers out..." I trailed off as the man turned around slowly. He blinked. We stared at each other for half a second as my heart briefly stopped beating.

"Oh wow." He said. "You haven't changed at all."

His face swam before me. Oh. He was so beautiful. His hair was hanging in his face and his big eyes stared at me. Every freckle was exactly where I remembered it. And he was glowing, with his soft peachy complexion slowly turning pink.

"I think you got taller." I frowned up at him. Did he always tower over me?

"I don't think that's possible." Bailey giggled.

"Na, you're just keeping it your secret." I grinned. "Asshole." We stood in the doorway for a second, smiling, before I could see Bailey's brain almost physically switching on. His cheeks went from pink to red as he looked at me. I used to think it was so cute how flushed he got whenever he was embarrassed or horny. Actually, I thought, staring at his freckles, I still thought that was cute.

"Uh. Hey." He pushed his hair off his face nervously. I liked the way he was wearing it. He used to have an issue with how curly it was and wrangle it into anything else. He could be really insecure sometimes, the absolute idiot. As if he wasn't one of the most striking people in every room. The height helps, I guess, but it's more than that. He holds himself like he's somebody. Well. He is somebody. But even before he knew that, you could see it in his posture.

"Hey." I smiled. God, what were we doing here? If I left it another second he'd ask me about the weather, I swear to god. "Wait there." I told him. "Two secs, B."

I grabbed a bottle from the counter and held my hand up to stop Shaz from starting as she opened her mouth.

"Clocking out." I said. "Possibly never coming back. Man of my dreams and love of my life is waiting for me and I'll be damned if I let him get away again."

"Ok." She blinked. "You only had five minutes left anyway, but good luck I guess."

"Don't need it." I grinned.

I slammed down a couple of crates to sit on and poured the wine into some coffee cups for us.

"Adore this one." I inhaled the scent, closing my eyes. "Perfect for Spring. Little lighter than you usually go for, B, but it has a real ripe delicacy to it that you'll love." Bailey blinked at me and took the wine. He smiled shyly.

"Thanks." He mumbled.

"So I saw your exhibition." I lit a cigarette. Bailey's face went bright red.

"Oh. You caught that huh?"

"Someone would have told me even if I didn't." I laughed at him. "So... the fiancé left you then?"

"Before or after the exhibition?" Bailey joked grimly. He rested his head in his hand and stared at me. "Yeah, he left me." He said. "Way before actually. But I was already working on... you know..."

"Yeah." I bit my lip. "Little more impressive than a pop song, I'll admit." Bailey looked up and his eyes sparkled as he met mine.

"You've always been up for a challenge." He said.

"That I have, B." I grinned. My mind was already imagining orchestras and concert tours.... But I took a deep breath and landed my feet on the ground. "What do you wanna do?" I tucked my knees under my chin and wrapped my arms around them.

"What do you mean?" Bailey frowned.

"Like, marry me? Or are you moving on again?" Bailey's face sank into the most peaceful expression. I've only seen him look that starry eyes and blissed out once before- after our first kiss.

"Wait." He closed his eyes and pressed his hand to his temples. "You live in Melbourne."

"Just moved back."

"Single?"

"Hopefully not for long." I winked at him. His face went red again. "Don't be coy." I reached out and touched his knee, and our eyes met as electricity started sparking between us. "Dude, please tell me the fact that you've made like a million mixed media art pieces with my face on them means something."

"Well, duh, it means you were on my mind." Bailey slowly reached for me and clasped my hand gently. As soon as he touched me I could feel him relaxing. His hands entwined with mine, turning my palm over and stroking gentle circles in it. "Is it sort of bad to like, do the whole on again, off again thing?"

"I dunno, it kept Ross and Rachel entertained for like a decade." Bailey glanced at me. I could see the annoyance in the way he wrinkled his nose and narrowed his eyes- just a fraction but I knew his face. Ok. This maybe wasn't the right time for dumb jokes. "I honestly don't know, B." I shuffled closer to him. "Let's catch up. See how we get on. See if there's anything..." I swallowed. "Life changing or red flags or that kind of thing. Set a date and prepare properly."

"I'd really like that." Bailey smiled. "How long do you need to prepare?"

"Oh god." I winced. "To be honest, all the time in the world won't help me tell you about my red flags. Uhhh.... How's Friday?"

"Friday's great." Bailey smiled. "The Ram?"

"The what?"

"Oh that's right, you've been in Melbourne." He grinned. "New wine bar. Where that dire cafe Plum used to be."

"Oh hell, they finally managed to close that for good?" I whistled. "Shit, I thought this city never changed."

"Everything changes." Bailey said. I rolled my eyes. Too on the nose, B.

"So Friday- what time?"

"Happy Hour is 4-6. Negroni's and Oysters."

"Ok well, I'll skip the Negroni but I'll help you with the Oysters. Assuming they're battered."

"Ew, Ernie." I glanced up as suddenly the sun seemed to come out of a cloud. Bailey glowed in the afternoon light and I felt my body softening.

"God, haven't heard that in ages." I sighed. "Probably because I threatened to cut everyone's dicks off if they ever called me Ernie again."

"Oh..."

"Oh, yours is safe." I laughed. "That would be a crime." Bailey blushed and stammered and I quickly withdrew my hand. I used to love teasing him like that. But maybe it was too soon.

"Ok, Friday. 4pm." I stood up and gestured inside. "Finish this." I handed him the wine. "On the house."

"I can afford it." His eyes crinkled.

"Save it for Friday." I smiled. "Have the fish tacos tonight, they're amazing."

"Ok."

-----------

I was leaning on the bar, chatting to the glassie, Myles, who I knew from way back, and critiquing the wine list. It was pretty fantastic actually. I told him I'd just be doing two drinks so he had to pick them and they better be the best drinks in the whole of the Southern Hemisphere.

"Oh sure." He rolled his eyes. "I'll just grab our Somm."

"Do you need one?" I grinned. "I'm free."

"Really." He said flatly. "Aren't you... kind of a rockstar?"

"Kind of." I shrugged. "But I'm about to release a solo album and that literally has never gone well for anyone, so I'm keeping my options open."

"Oh did Hordes break up then?" He leaned over the bar.

"Na just..." I grinned as I saw Bailey in the doorway. "Maybe taking a few years apart. We're in different cities, so it's hard you know?" I glanced back at Myles. "But I think we'll work it out. Things work out."

Bailey and I parked up outside and he shook his head as he sat across from me.

"So how long have you been back?" He asked.

"6 months?"

"Typical." He laughed. "Already friends with everyone everywhere that's worth anything in the whole city."

"Can't help being charming." I grinned. "I have oysters and wine on the way, and a negroni for you." I lit a cigarette. "So go on. Let's rip it off and save the small talk for when we know we're getting married. What's the worst thing you've done since we were together? What's the thing that I'm going to find hardest to deal with and sends major red flags for this ever working?"

"Aside from almost marrying someone else?" Bailey clucked his tongue.

"Yeah. Aside from that." I smiled at him. "Look, I'm not sad it didn't work out. But I am sad for you. He seemed really good for you."

"Yeah." Bailey's lips tightened. "Basil was amazing. He still is. I hope he finds someone better than me."

"Impossible." I grinned. "But I hope he finds someone too. People do, B. People find each other. Relationships move, you know? The end of one isn't the end of the world. It's ok." Bailey looked at me pointedly.

"Except for you and me?"

"Well, we're the exception that proves the rule."

"Stupidest expression I ever heard." He snorted.

"Whatever. Aside from Basil... wait." I screwed up my face. "BASIL? Bailey and BASIL?" I groaned. "Well, that was never gonna work, was it?"

"I actually thought it was cute." Bailey folded his arms. "We were B and B, you know. I thought we were made for each other."

"If you hadn't met me first you probably would have been." I sighed.

"Probably." Bailey shrugged. "Ok. Well. Red flags that you might find unforgivable?"

"Yeah go on. Mine's worse, promise."

"Don't doubt it." He gnawed on his fingers. "Yeah. Ok. I thought about this. I'm 90 per cent sure this is a dealbreaker actually." He bit his lip. "I got into this band." He mumbled.

"You have great taste in music!" I laughed.

"I have YOUR taste in music." He rolled his eyes.

"Which is great."

"It's uh... Ghost." He giggled as my face fell.

"You like them ironically?" I turned my head to one side.

"No. I just fucking like them." He laughed. "What do you reckon? Do you think we still have a shot?"

"Dubious." I grinned. "Ah, you're a fucking cheat, B." I nudged his knee and moved closer to him as the oysters arrived. Natural. Because I wanted to make him happy. "You're telling me in all the time we spent apart, your only major faults that developed are that you had the audacity to meet someone else, and you listen to shitty Satanic Scooby- Doo music?"

"I have other faults." He smiled. "But those are the ones I thought you couldn't deal with." He let his leg fall against mine and sat back. "So rip it off, what the hell did you do?"

"Oh fuck." I groaned and covered my face with my hair. "I'm in... treatment." I said slowly. "For uh... a mildly terrible drug and alcohol regime." I gestured to my wine. "I can handle about two of these. Nothing harder. Even beer is a bit dicey." I winced. "And that's not the really bad bit. The really bad bit was me trying to manage addiction with sex." I closed my eyes. "Uh... which ended pretty badly." I took a deep breath and sat up, pushing my hair off my face so I could tell him properly. "So. I'm... HIV positive." I bit my lip. "Undetectable because I'm on treatment and stuff. But. Uh. Yeah. HIV um... struck me as maybe. Like. The world's biggest... and most cliched.... red flag."

"Oh, Ernie." Bailey didn't hesitate for a second. I was watching his face carefully- for the disgust, or rage, or pain, or pity I expected. I know his face so well. I know when he's trying to hide things. I know how he feels about almost everything. But really, truly, all I saw was love.

He reached for me and pulled me into his arms. I sighed, and let myself melt into him, fitting into his chest like a puzzle piece.

"No one told me." He pressed his lips to my head. "I would have booked the first flight out."