Hold Me Now - Alive and Kicking

"I'm glad you didn't." I mumbled into his chest. "I was a fucking wreck." I sat up and met his eyes. "Nothing to do with you, for the record. Just turns out I have no restraint. I don't think I'm built for big cities."

"Melbourne is hardly a big city." Bailey smiled, tucking my hair behind my ears.

"Well, it's bigger than Wellington." I shrugged.

"Wellington's a good size." He leant back, holding my hand. "Think this is where I'll die."

"Not any time soon."

"No." He said absentmindedly. "Not until I've lived." He glanced at me and his mouth tightened a fraction. "Which for me probably means touring a bit, with like exhibitions and stuff..."

"Lucky I'm a musician who loves touring." I smiled.

"Is that hard?" Bailey looked seriously at me. "Like being... sober.. well semi sober..." He glanced at my wine.

"Haven't done it yet." I smiled. "But we're getting old actually, B. Nat and Lando want to go home to the missus', Skinner was never really built for parties, and Fox doesn't need us to have a good time."

"No groupies pressing hard drugs on you?"

"Maybe?" I shrugged. "Our groupies are like, sweaty, hairy Dad's though. I think they can hear a no thanks."

"Nice." Bailey turned his head to one side. "Also... living... for me... well. I have cats." He glanced at me and shrugged, wide eyed.

"And you didn't show me?! B!" I admonished him. He grinned and pulled out his phone. We spent the next 20 minutes looking at cat photos and eating oysters before he suddenly steeled himself.

"And kids." He said out of the blue. "Decided I wanted at least one. So, adoption takes years sometimes, and it's hard enough as a gay couple, a gay single man is like, impossible. So, like, fuck Ernie, I have no idea what we are doing right now. I'm so fucking lost. But if you want to be more than friends you should know I want kids."

"Oh!" I'd literally never thought about that. Oh Christ. I don't know if I'm built to be like... a Dad. Bailey is, absolutely. Staunch and strong and with clear moral boundaries. And so sweet and so charming. He's like, the perfect dad. I could see him now, cradling a little kid, his face all soft and full of light.... "Oh fuck." I closed my eyes, but it was way too late.

"Ernie?" B whispered. I covered my face with my hands to pretend that tears weren't streaming everywhere. You know, for half a second I could see me there with B. Standing beside him, my arms wrapped around his waist as we cooed at our...

"Uhhh..." I tried to take a deep breath, choking on my tears to the point of laughter. "Oh, B. Huge talk there. But not a no kind of talk. Just... dude." I wiped my face. "Look at me." Bailey looked at me.

"Hottest DILF ever?" He said, straight faced. I cracked up, and after a second he joined me. "Would that be on the table?" He said quietly, when we'd stopped laughing. "And not in some intangible one day realm. In the. There's a seminar in like two weeks for the first step realm."

"Yeah." I surprised myself. "Yeah. I'll go." I sucked in air through my teeth. "Assuming we... like... actually are..." I felt my head hang. "Are we trying again?"

"Course." Bailey said lightly. "I didn't let Basil go to mope around and find someone else. I did a whole damn exhibition for you! I guess my only real fear was like... you'd grown up. And you didn't need me. And you thought my art was shit and..."

"Man. You're still an idiot huh?" I giggled as Bailey shot me a devastated look. "Grown up a little bit." I bit my thumbnail. "Only recently though. And as for needing you- well. I have learned how to separate whites and colours so I'm basically a totally new independent man but..." I smiled at him. "I do WANT you. And you know your art is dope, I've always loved your art."

"I've always loved your solo stuff." B smiled back. "So I'll buy every copy of your vinyl if you need me too, get you to number one." He took my hand again and I narrowed my eyes at him a little as we settled close to each other.

"Uh.... You're not like.... Filthy rich are you?" I let my head fall to his shoulder. He immediately wrapped his arm over me and I felt myself burning with the intensity of being close to him.

"No." He laughed. "I'd be broke, but I'd do it."

"Mean. I'll let you know." I closed my eyes and leaned against him. "I really missed you." I mumbled. Bailey pushed my hair off my forehead and bent down to press his lips against it. I moaned quietly, wishing for more. Maybe he knew that anything more was gonna be really hard for me to manage in public though. He held me tight and I heard a soft, contented sigh escape his lips.

"I really missed you." He agreed.

----

He was cooking and I was in his living room, playing guitar and perusing his stuff. He had some tabletop games... maybe he'd got into that? I smiled. That was adorable. I bet he maxed out on charisma and forgot wisdom, just like in real life. I found his tablet, which wasn't locked, and looked at the art he sketched on it. For someone who really likes to build giant things out of neon lights, he sketched beautifully. He drew flowers and still lives and peoples faces. I switched tabs and bit my lip as I saw his 50 million open google tabs. I rolled my eyes. No wonder he complained about his battery life. I tapped my fingers as I saw the latest. Huh. 'Living with HIV' I glanced to the kitchen and pulled my guitar closer so I could pretend I wasn't snooping if he glanced in. We'd talked about it. I told him as much as I knew. I needed to make sure he understood that if we really were doing this, it wasn't going away. He'd definitely been doing his own research, which made me feel warm and safe. He'd done a lot of searches- about support networks- as though I hadn't already found some, I rolled my eyes. About medication. About the right things to say- cute. And I giggled as I saw the last tab: 'Can I fuck my boyfriend raw if he's undetectable??'.

Well. Can't say I was mad at that being a priority. I quickly moved myself away as I heard a creak in the doorway and smiled at B, pretending I'd been working on something.

"Dinners in the oven." He yawned, falling beside me and pulling me into his lap. I wrapped my legs around him and pressed us close to each other. I smiled as I rested my head against his chest. I could hear his heart. To my delight, it was going a little crazy.

"How long?" I looked up at him. He smiled as he swept my hair off my face and clasped my chin.

"Long enough." He murmured, his eyes flickering to my lips. I moaned and felt my dick grow hard against him. That was the BEST thing about sobriety. It didn't really matter that my dick hadn't worked for a while there- I mean, I was practically celibate and when I wasn't I was a bottom... but oh fuck, it felt good to feel like a man again. B's hand trailed down my spine and rested on my ass, squeezing it gently. He pulled me close, slightly forcefully, and I let myself melt for him. Our lips met. Oh fuck. I could actually see the fireworks. I could see the rockets taking off. I could hear the crescendo of a chorus of angels. It really didn't get better than B's soft lips against mine, parting them open gently and devouring me.

We ended up on his bed. I was naked. I was still too skinny, and it could see the slightly pained look of concern as B took me in. But it was overwhelmed by a look of desire and mental promises I could almost hear him making to feed me and drag me to a gym. He crawled on top of me and dragged his hand over my abs, holding my hips down firmly and pressing his lips to my nipples.

"Oh... B..." I writhed beneath him. I was never famed for stamina, I didn't have enough sex to build it up... and he was perfection incarnate. I whined and tried to push him off me.

"Don't give a shit." He growled, reading my mind. He twisted my hands in his... he has a weird sort of... sex strength about him. I don't think you look at him and think fuck, he's strong, but whoever we were together he always knew exactly how to manhandle me. He pinned my hands down and pressed my legs open, gently dragging his tongue up my thigh. "B... please..." I wanted to last, but I wanted him so bad...

"Relax and cum for me." He kissed my hole softly. "Then I'll fuck you and you can cum again."

"Oh fuck." I moaned. He kept my hands together with one of his, the other drifting to my cock, which twitched desperately in his palm. His tongue drifted over my hole and... that was it. I moaned in embarrassment as B felt me tense up and gently wrapped his lips around my dick as I started to come, shuddering with the overstimulation of his lips against me. "Oh, fuck... B..." I looked at him through half closed lids, almost dying inside at the thought that I'd waited for him for so long and... He tangled his hands in my hair and pulled me closer, his dick dragging over my body as he gathered me in his arms.

"Holy fuck." He moaned, kissing me deeply. "God, you are so beautiful." I wrinkled my nose and pushed him off me, pinning him down and grabbing his hands. I glared at him.

"Don't lie." I sighed heavily. "Takes me out of it."

"Don't lie about what?" He turned his head to one side.

"Me." I shook my hair in front of my face. "I'm NOT beautiful. I look like a... gargoyle crow." I felt B's stomach twitch beneath me and a slight retching sound coming from him. I peered at him from under my sheet of hair. I huffed. He was trying not to laugh.

"A what?!" He giggled. He sat up, dragging me with him- wow. I really thought I had been holding him down... he perched me on his lap and made me face the mirror in his bedroom. I didn't look at myself, just at him. Him, in all his soft golden loveliness. He reached around me and caught my chin, forcing it to face the mirror. He couldn't force me to look though. "Ernie." His lips brushed my ear. "Look."

"It's ok." I closed my eyes. "You can look. I'm ok."

"Ernie." He pulled my hair back and tugged it hard, making my eyes fly open and a tiny moan escape my lips. "Look."

I met his eyes in the mirror and he smiled at me.

"Look." He insisted. I looked. I winced at my face. I'd tried a few different things over the years. Clean shaven. A beard. A moustache. I was currently doing stubble, which was laziness rather than a choice. I looked at my eyes. Well they're ok. Can't go that wrong with EYES. I looked at my skin, which still had a little bit of scarring from the breakouts that alcohol or drugs seemed to have given me. I looked at my pale skin, and the bags under my eyes. I looked over my body. You could see the wiry muscle but that was more because there was no fat to hide it, not because I was in shape. I looked at the dark hair that covered my chest and my scrawny legs and back to Bailey.

"Am I meant to see something in particular?" I asked. Bailey took my hand and sighed.

"I was hoping you'd see what I see." He said. "A God. A dark haired beautiful Norse God from old legends. A face all manly and grown up, with stories to tell. A body made of determination." His hand ran over my shoulder. "A delectable ass." He whispered. "Against all odds, although you're working on that right?"

"What, eating?" I grumbled. "Yes."

"And." He moaned as his hand circled my cock, which jumped again. My hips lifted a little, involuntarily. "And I love your dick." He moaned into my ear.

"I love yours more." I mumbled, feeling it harden against my back.

"I look in that mirror..." Bailey dragged his tongue over my neck. I shuddered and let my head fall back. "And I see a sexy combination of Robert Plant, and Mick Jagger, and Kurt Cobain, and Freddie Mercury and..." He giggled. "Skwisgaar Skwigelf." I chuckled as his hands circled my hips. "I see a fucking Rock Star God." He squeezed me tightly. "And I really want to fuck him."

"Well." I sighed as I went limp in his embrace. "The answer is yes. You can fuck your boyfriend raw if he's undetectable."

"Snoop." Bailey pressed his lips to my neck again and inhaled my scent.

"Good answer though eh?"

"True." He flipped me over and grinned as he pressed me against his mattress. I might not believe him, what he said he saw when he looked at me... but I almost could as he pressed his body against mine, his tongue against my nipples... his hands refusing to part with my flesh.

He ate me out while I moaned desperately, then he let me wrap both hands around his enormous cock and lube it up as he penetrated me with fingers. I was a little tight at first, but I was so horny and desperate... I knew I would have no trouble taking him... although by all rights I really should. As much as I liked blowing a guy I was actually a little relieved we'd skipped that step tonight. I needed some serious practice on a dildo.

I could feel him throbbing in my hands and begged for him. He moaned and cradled me tight as I spread my legs. He cried out as he entered me. My breath caught in my throat. His fingernails caught in my skin and we stared at each other... in animalistic need. It was hard to get the rhythm because we were thrusting hard against each other and calling out all manner of filth, and then every now and then he would kiss me and hold me and murmur my name over and over.

Realistically we probably lasted two minutes. Who gave a shit. We could do this for the rest of our lives.

------

You'd think there would be more angst. More unsaid things. More we needed to work through.

But I think maybe we sort of were made for each other. And I think with grim determination and hearts bursting with a love that never really died out we would fight to make it work.

And we actually didn't need to fight.

We took it slow, by which I mean we did not take it public. Hordes released the concept album and we were ripped to shreds by fans, although critics liked it. Ahead of its time maybe. The good thing was- my EP ended up looking REALLY good in comparison. I was getting radio play, and ending up in charts- not just alternative/metal charts but REAL charts! This must be what Alien Weaponry feel like.

The release came with a bunch of PR stuff. I hired a manager, which was the smartest idea I'd ever had. She coached me on my presence in interviews and how to be open when I wanted to and deflect graciously when I needed to. She told me to say my favourite artist was Leonard Cohen and Kim Hill ended up loving ne after all... even if she did make a comparison between Elton John and I which... no, honey. Just because we're both bottoms... I think they bleeped that joke in the later edits but reddit and Stuff had some laughs out of it for a few days.

I talked a lot about myself, but I never mentioned B. The good thing was- he wasn't even really part of the story. If there was one thing in my whole life I could be proud of it was that I landed on my own two feet without some handsome man- and yea. It had taken the support of half the antipodes. But I proved to me I didn't NEED Bailey. I just wanted him anyway.

He had his own stuff. The City Gallery exhibition was like, a tiny blip on the radar of things he was doing. He was making giant art pieces commissioned by whole cities now, and they were always glorious.

We had time together, we had time apart. I had moments where I was close to drugs again, or even just cheap bottles of whatever, and I won't lie and say I was perfect. But I was lucky. Something was holding me back. I don't think it's a moral failing to relapse. In all honesty I did relapse a few times. But it never consumed my life in the way it used to. Not that I ever trusted that knife's edge. I kept myself as far away from it as possible. And when I did get too close there were a lot of people holding me from falling over. Bailey was just one in a sea of many. An important part- but not the only thing holding me. And thank god for that. He was strong, but no one is that strong.

When I was a kid I had a teacher who taught us you can pick a table up with two fingers. Obviously not just you. But if you have four people, one on every side, just two fingers each and you can lift it.

I never expected anyone to lift me up when I felt stuck. But if I needed it- I knew they could. Not alone. No one can swim through life alone. No matter how you feel though.... It's not likely you are ever really alone. You just need a few extra fingers.

----

Who's gonna save you?

----

My eyes were closed, my head resting on B's stomach. There was nothing more calming to me than his deep breathing and his hands trailing through my hair. He was humming to himself as he read a book and I wrinkled my nose as I heard the tune properly.

"Are you humming... your own song?" I laughed at him.

"Guess I am." He smiled. "Bailey Green, kindest soul you've even seen..." He sang in his flat baritone. I closed my hand around his and squeezed it gently.

"You know what that line about your soul was originally?" I grinned.

"No?" Bailey sighed and raised his eyebrows at me. "But I can..."

"Biggest cock you've ever seen." I giggled. Bailey groaned and thumped me gently.

"Yep, there it is." He rolled his eyes. "Oops. Look what you've done." He glared at me as a gentle grizzle started up from the corner of the room. "You know she hates cock jokes."

"That's a lie. She's got a great sense of humour." I stuck my tongue out at B as I leapt off the bed. I picked up Katherine with a sigh and held her against me. Like she sometimes did, her mouth wandered to my pec and I sighed as I gently stopped her from mauling me. "Where did she LEARN that?" I whined. "Is that innate?" Bailey shrugged.

"She does it to me too." He yawned and I took my cue to feed Katherine and let him get some sleep. Not that either of us get much at the moment, but we try to take turns.

She wasn't planned. Bailey might have been ready but I definitely wasn't. Bupeople get knocked up every day. Pip and his girlfriend Zelda invited us for dinner one day and he steeled himself before we'd even got water on the way.

"There is no wrong answer." He told us. "But me and Zels just needed to ask you before we made any decisions." He folded his hands awkwardly. "There is a baby on the way." He mumbled. "There are two biological parents who don't want a baby. But there are two people we know who maybe do." He looked at us seriously. "This isn't your only chance so don't feel any pressure. I just know you guys were thinking about it."

"I... I'd be prepared to have her." Zelda said quietly. "But we aren't ready to raise her."

"Her?" B's voice cracked.

"Her." Pip said quietly. "16 weeks. We... caught it really late. Abortion is almost out of the question..."

"Oh." Bailey's voice was filled with something I'd never really heard before, even with that tiny syllable. I tucked myself in his arm. I don't know what ready is. Probably you're never ready. But...

"Bailey." I whispered. He looked at me and his face quickly rearranged into something resembling neutral.

"Oh, Pip we have to think about..." He started to say.

"A baby girl?" I let myself mist up. "B..." His eyes widened as he looked at me. I glanced at Pip, who was looking between us with a frown. "Yeah, we'll think about it." I said huskily.

We thought about it, but we were planning where the nursery would go before we'd even really agreed on a decision. Maybe some things are just inevitable. Timing was off, B was exhibiting in France and had to go over for a month but timing has never been our strong suit, and we were never letting that get in the way again.

----

I put baby Katherine down to sleep again and once again draped myself over B. He moaned and his fingers slipped between my thighs. My legs parted automatically and I kissed his neck as he reached for the lube beside the bed. He raised my hips up gently and sighed.

"Nope." He paused. "Still weird with her in the room."

"She's a BABY!" I sighed. "Are you seriously not gonna fuck me for 18 years?!"