Holiday with Friends Pt. 02

She stood back and looked confused. The twins came rushing into the bedroom and jumped into my arms.

"Daddy, Daddy. Where have you been?"

Again I burst into tears, this time of joy and happiness. I had missed these two so much.

I sat on the bed with them and we just cuddled.

I nodded to Marie and I said we needed to talk.

I was getting over the initial shock and anger by now and needed to find out why she was so willing to throw away everything we had built together.

We sat at the kitchen table opposite each other with a cup of tea. She told me she had been sleeping on the sofa. She couldn't bring herself to sleep in our empty bed.

"First off if you tell me you don't know, I'm out of here now!"

"Tell me why? Why were you, why ARE you so ready to throw away what we have?"

She quietly fumbled with her cup and couldn't look at me. After 30 seconds or so finally looked up with water in her eyes she said.

"I am so sorry Martin, I am so, so sorry. I have thought of nothing else these last few days. It was exciting, it was dangerous. He made me feel alive, my life is dull. I look after the girls 24 hours a day. I cannot lose you, I love you but was completely blinded to everything and wasn't even thinking of consequences. I LOVE YOU and I love them but I needed more."

I felt my anger coming back, I loved this woman with my whole being but at this moment I hated her. She didn't seem to understand the hurt she was causing me. My heart was dying and all she says is her life is dull. I slammed my fist into the table top.

"Your life is dull with me? Is that what you are saying?.....You fuck about on me then say I am dull?.......I have felt like killing myself over you and you say I am DULL!"

I stood as if to leave, she rushed around the table to stop me throwing herself at me pleading with me to stay, her arms wrapped around me so tightly it hurt.

"NO, NO. I am not saying that, Please, please, don't go. I love you, I need you, the girls need you."

She clung onto me as I tried to get out of the kitchen. She started to slip down my body as I moved, sinking to the floor.

I looked down at her crying on our kitchen floor. Even now after what she had done I still loved her so much but I couldn't get her with him out of my head.

I missed holding her and being with her. I wanted nothing more than to pick her up and comfort her but she had ripped out my heart and pissed on it and with such deceit and lies.

She was sobbing uncontrollably. Tears were now dripping to the floor as the twins came to us. They both cuddled into their mums arms and cried with her. The sight before me cut me to the core.

I had a choice to make.

If I leave and file for divorce I lose my kids, my wonderful girls.

I would have to learn to live on my own like I had the last few days stewing in self-pity and despair. I knew I didn't want that. Even as angry and upset as I was I didn't want divorce.

Or do I stay and try to forgive her and get past this. I could not see how I was going to get past all the lies and the deceit. How do I forgive the way she did this to me. My heart is shattered, I still cannot understand why she did this, am I that stupid I thought we had the perfect marriage.

If I stayed it would eat at me every minute of every day. How could I ever trust her with him next door. How could I live there with him just next door.

My head said get out of here, my heart said stay.

I still loved this woman, I would still die for her but my head was so fucked up at the moment that I hated her at the same time.

I pulled her up from the floor and leaned into her, I kissed her full on the lips.

"I will always love you till the day I die, give Lisa a kiss when she is home from school from me."

I picked up the girls and hugged them giving both a kiss on the cheeks.

The last thing I saw was Marie crumpled on the kitchen floor wailing as I walked out of the house.

So here I am sitting in a lukewarm bath in a strange house, my arm is trembling with a blade in my hand contemplating my life past and possible future.

My world has crashed. I love my kids I do not want to leave them. I still love my wife but is it enough.

I don't want a divorce but I don't want to go back. I cannot see any possible way out of this.

I have been in this bath crying like a baby for two hours now. Am I brave enough to take the cowards way out?