Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 108

Mike shrugged. "Why ever? Master and Commander douche canoe picked now. It doesn't have to make sense."

"No, that's not quite what I mean!" Ratu stomped her foot, and tiny flames actually squirted from her clenched fists. "I hate being this flustered!"

"I get that." Mike stomped out an errant flame that had reached the ground. "But keep talking to help me understand."

"Why did he do it this way? Why bring some behemoth from the ocean, knowing full well there was a guardian here who could fight it?" Ratu gestured toward the middle of the volcano. "Did he really assume that his beast was suddenly strong enough to defeat Di? He had to know that the Order would get involved!"

"But Lily says the Order didn't even know who the Captain was, so it wouldn't make sense that they're--" He stopped and stared at Ratu, his jaw suddenly slack.

"He knew they would get involved," she said, her eyes becoming more human. "He had to. His history with the merfolk means he can't have been ignorant of their presence."

"And the attack triggered the Order's involvement, which inevitably lead to me coming out here. But why would he want me here? Doesn't that make getting the eggs harder?"

"Not if he kills you." Ratu took Mike by the hand. "If he kills you, this place becomes his, yes?"

"But how could he know that the Order would actually succeed in getting me here?" Mike chewed at his lip and stared at Ratu. "If he master-minded this whole thing, how did he even know who I was?"

"He couldn't have." Ratu's pupils widened. "Didn't Leilani say they were surprised to learn you weren't a woman? He would have told them that if he knew."

"Why now, indeed?" Something about his situation was meant to be a trap, but set by who? Was he supposed to be here in Hawaii, still? Or was he supposed to rush home? If the Captain and the Director weren't working together, why had their plans synced up so nicely to fuck him over?

"Is there someone else?" Ratu asked. "A third party?"

Mike shook his head. "If there is, then who? We banished Amir to the shadow realm, but I suppose some society assholes could still be around. This level of coordination feels a bit advanced for a group of people who decided their best strategy was to flood my lawn with idiots, which is exactly what is happening now. And if there is a third party, what's the play? Do they want Francois to get the eggs? Or do they want something in the house?"

"The Grimoire would be a more preferable prize than the eggs," she said. "Unless someone else has a Dragon Seed, which I guess is possible."

"But it's not like someone can just take the eggs. This whole setup was built using the body of a deity along with the Architect. So if they're coming for the eggs, then maybe it's to destroy them."

"Perhaps. I don't like this, Mike. The longer I think about it..."

He shook his head and took Ratu by the hand. "Hey, look. Even just knowing that someone else may be pulling strings gives us an edge. When this asshole inevitably pops up to announce their grand victory, instead of being surprised and listening to their inevitable monologue, you can feed them a fireball."

"I guess."

The two of them walked back to the cabana in silence, Mike pondering the whole time. What was the real target here, the eggs or the house? Was it both? Neither? Was it him? Was some third party making an attempt on his other properties? When he got home, he would have someone check in with Bigfoot. As for the castle in Ireland, anyone trying to break in would get an even worse surprise than he had.

Back at the cabana, Ratu packed up what little they had used last night. Mike took a quick look through his own bag, pausing long enough to pull out a fresh pair of shorts and a clean shirt. The potions Zel had given him were safely wrapped in some socks he had packed. After triple-checking that the lid of the Mandragora potion was still good, he moved the potions back into his bag and zipped it shut.

While changing his clothes, he noticed Ratu watching him out of the corner of her eye once his pants were off. Mike let out a theatrical yawn and stretched, making sure to arch his back. He put on a big show of rubbing his abs through the naga skin tunic, then winked in her direction and then did a little belly dance for her.

"Weather's nice," he said.

"Mmhmm." Her gaze dropped to his cock. "Maybe colder than usual."

Mike snorted. "If you're worried about how chilly I am, I can think of an activity to warm us up."

Ratu held up a hand and summoned crackling flames. She arched an eyebrow at him.

"Not that way," he hastily added. Ratu looked past him and released the flames, her hand moving over her mouth. Mike turned to see Pele standing behind him, her molten eyes locked on his crotch.

"Ah. Um..." Mike grabbed the hem of the naga shirt and pulled, the fabric stretching down to not quite cover his genitals. When he realized it was insufficient, he turned around, but then remembered Pele was likely looking at his bare ass. Clearing his throat, he found his boxers and stepped into them. "Sorry you had to see that."

"I'm not." Pele chuckled and the ground vibrated beneath his feet. "I assure you that it is nothing I haven't seen before."

"Yeah, well..." He cleared his throat. "My apologies. We were just having some fun."

"Don't stop on my account." Pele sat on a nearby chair. "So, you intend to leave for a bit?"

"I do," he said. "I need to check in with my family and then clear my name with the Order. We shouldn't be gone long. Once we return, I'm hoping my full focus can be here."

"Good." Pele studied him for a few moments, and he could see golden light sparkle throughout her pupils. "Will you bring your family here?"

"I will. I think they would like this place." He gestured at the cabana. "My kids will want to explore the area, if you think that's safe."

"With a suitable guide, yes, it will be." Pele smiled and closed her eyes. "It will be so nice to hear the sounds of a family in this place once again. This place was never meant to suffer the silence of a tomb."

"It certainly won't." Mike walked over to the edge of the cliffs and looked down. Lily had wrapped her arms around Leilani's waist and was flapping her wings uselessly in an attempt to lift her. "How long do you think it will be before she gives up?"

"Hmm?" Ratu joined him on the rim and laughed. The succubus seemed to sense them watching and renewed her flapping. Leilani looked up at the demon and shouted something, which caused Lily to drop her back into the lake. Visibly flustered, Lily grabbed onto the mermaid's torso and tried to pull her free of the water. This devolved into another shouting match, which ended when the mermaid pulled Lily out of the sky and dunked her.

"I'll go get them," said Ratu with a grin. "Otherwise, we'll be waiting here all day." The naga moved toward the edge of the cliff and jumped over the side, her body twisting and expanding into serpentine form. She slid through the thick foliage, the trees shaking and bending as she pushed them aside and gained speed. Moments later, Ratu shot out of a gap in the trees at the bottom, jaws open wide and fangs bared as she practically belly flopped on top of the succubus and the mermaid.

From the edge of the cliff, Mike heard both Leilani and Lily shriek in terror. Behind him, the goddess of fire laughed.

Half an hour later and half a world away, Mike emerged from the portal in his laundry room closet and stepped through the plain wooden door that had been painted the same color as the rest of the room. Had it always been here and he hadn't noticed? Or had the house somehow expanded again?

Those were thoughts to ponder later. He stepped away from the door to allow Lily and Ratu through. Leilani and Ingrid remained behind--Mike wasn't ready yet to bring them into his home.

"Caretaker." Reggie was waiting for them, his whiskers twitching in anticipation.

"Good afternoon." Mike knelt down and extended a finger to shake the Rat King's paw. "Can you get a secondary portal set up between the new place and Paradise? I need to get Leilani and Ingrid there directly without using the house. We'll also need some safeguards so that the Order doesn't backtrack us through."

"Here." Lily knelt down and handed over a piece of paper. "I've marked some rooms at the resort that are special use and will be safe. Nobody is scheduled to use them."

"Of course." Reggie turned to a small contingent of armed rodents who stood nearby. He made a few squeaks and gestures before one of them ran off. "It should be ready by the time you leave."

"Great." Mike stood and gazed down at the tiny king. "How have things been here?"

"Terrible." Reggie led the way, walking at Mike's side. "We're keeping a very close watch on the front yard. The SoS has posted snipers at strategic locations, which greatly limits who can be involved in the battle ahead. Death went out this morning to see how they would react and was shot at, so we suspect lethal force has been encouraged."

"Damn." Mike moved to the nearest window and looked outside. "That sure is a lot of people." He waved at them to see if anyone would wave back. When they didn't, he caught himself ready to flip them the finger. Clearly, Ratu wasn't the only one battling intrusive thoughts. That, or Lily was rubbing off on both of them.

Reggie nodded. "With more on the way. Eulalie believes this is less than half their force, but isn't sure why the others haven't arrived yet. As of now, the fae are our primary resource. Sulyvahn and Cecilia cannot be harmed by mortal weapons and capturing them will be very difficult. Cerberus is also immune, as is the Jabberwock. Dana asked to be more involved with the coming battle, but there's a very real fear she may get struck by explosive ordinance, which would be messy. Jenny has a pretty tight leash on the situation, but I'm sure you can imagine it's a bit...unsettling."

"I see." Mike sighed. "What about Yuki and Abella?"

"What about me?" Yuki stood at the end of the hallway, just outside the dining room. She smiled in his direction, but looked very tired.

"Just wondering what role you had to play is all." He moved in to give her a hug when a small mass slammed into him.

"Dad!" Callisto, in human form, had wrapped his arms around Mike's waist so tight that it actually hurt. Moments later, Grace dropped down from above and grabbed him from the other side.

"Hey." Mike knelt down to properly hug both of them. When he stood, he held Grace in one arm. "Are you two being good?"

"There are bad guys in our front yard." There was both excitement and fear in Callisto's voice. "They're planning to hurt Aunt Naia!"

Grace hissed her agreement, then leaned in to nibble on Mike's hair.

"I'm surprised to see you two here." Mike looked into his son's eyes. "Aren't you supposed to be with your mom?"

Someone cleared their throat. Mike looked up to see Zel standing by the doorway, her equine body filling the hall.

"He needed to see his father," she said. Mike could sense the hidden message behind those simple words. It wasn't just that Callisto wanted to see Mike. Zel was making sure to remind Mike of his promise.

"Is it true you met a dragon?" asked Callisto.

"It is. She's amazing. I can't wait for you to meet her." He ruffled his son's hair and knelt down to set Grace next to him. "Things are probably going to get pretty dangerous soon. Where are you two going to be?"

"With me." Zel stepped forward, her hooves unsteady on the wooden floors. "The tribe will watch them. We are fairly removed from the battle to come and Reggie has made us a temporary portal into the village. The exterior of the greenhouse has been locked down."

"Good." Mike looked at his children. "I have a very big job for you two, so pay close attention."

Callisto's eyes shone with excitement. Grace stared at her father with wide eyes that almost seemed to glow. Mike noticed that she wore a dog tag on a chain around her neck. He took a moment to touch it like a lucky charm.

"Watch out for each other," he said. "The grown-ups are all going to be super busy for a little bit, and I need to know I can count on you two to keep each other safe."

Callisto looked at his little sister and nodded. "You can count on me."

"I know I can." Mike looked at his daughter, who was still staring at him. "And Grace? Remember to blink, sweetie. Human eyes need moisture."

The little Arachne blinked her human eyes exactly once, then showed him her teeth. When Mike patted her head, she grabbed his palm and promptly nibbled on his fingers.

"Okay you two, let's go." Zel backed her bulk through the doorway of the dining room and the children reluctantly followed. A portal had been chewed into the wall through which Mike could see the centaur tribe. He watched as the rats nearby started closing the portal, and sighed. If he didn't think Francois would try to break into Di's lair, he would just stay home with everyone else.

Around the table sat some of the others. Jenny was in the middle of the surface, sitting atop a map of the grounds. Dana, Tink, and Eulalie were along the opposite side of Mike. Sulyvahn leaned against the edge of one wall while Asterion stood along another. Cerberus was also there, all three heads staring at Mike without blinking. Mike almost wondered if Grace had picked that habit up from them, or maybe it was the other way around. He'd only been gone a few days, had he really missed so much?

"Are ye planning to send Lady Beth home soon?" asked the dullahan.

"I'm going to go get her after this," Mike replied. "When I speak to the Director, I'm half expecting him to launch the attack here. How are things looking on our end?"

"Manageable," said Yuki. "It's almost thirty degrees Fahrenheit outside, so the men are struggling with the cold. Abella is acting as our ears for now and Eulalie is our eyes. Cecilia is keeping watch along the perimeter with instructions to check in once they start moving."

"Where's Sofia?" he asked.

"Helping Eulalie." Yuki looked at Jenny, then back to Mike. "Jenny and I sat down and preselected some tarot cards to bolster her strategy. Our defenses are fairly solid, but when you're done with the Director, we wouldn't mind having Ratu back in case he decides to play hard ball."

"It's nice to be wanted." The naga sat at the table. "If we can convince the Director to back down, my presence won't be needed."

"We met with Master Cyrus earlier today." Reggie hopped up onto the table where he hastily affixed a paper badge to his chest. "He has created some logistical havoc amongst the mages of the Order. This includes a way for the lions to activate by enchanting the ammunition of the soldiers out front."

"What about the ammo?" Mike asked, looking toward the rat.

Yuki grinned. "Magic is primarily about intent. Cyrus enchanted some rounds to act like magical spells that briefly connect with the mercenaries. Since they'll be fired with the intent to harm denizens of the house, the lions will get involved."

"That's nasty." Mike looked around the table again and realized someone was missing. "Where's Death?"

"Sulkin'." Sulyvahn shook his head. "Poor lad was quite disappointed after our meetin' this mornin'. Said he realized there was aught he could do in the battle ahead."

Mike debated tracking down the Reaper, but time was short. "Anything else I need to know?"

I will make a bed out of their bones that I may lie in them and dream dark things, added Jenny.

Tink rolled her eyes. Dana stuck something in her mouth and started chewing it like a piece of gum. When nobody else responded, Mike stood.

"I love you all," he said, looking at everyone. When Asterion grunted in disbelief, Mike laughed. "Even you too, big guy. We're all a big family here."

For whatever reason, this seemed to mollify the minotaur. Mike took a minute to check in with everyone individually. Asterion got tasked with checking in with Bigfoot. Dana and Tink both seemed like they were absolutely itching for a fight, whereas Cerberus was simply happy to receive head pats. Sulyvahn promised Mike that his home would be safe in their hands, and Jenny...

Well, the things Jenny said were more than a bit horrifying. Mike was glad that she was on their side.

Before leaving, Mike went upstairs to his bedroom. He hadn't even stepped foot in the bathroom when the tap in the bathtub turned on. The tub was half full of water by the time he sat on the edge. A column of water rose, then fell away in sheets to reveal the beautiful woman who lived in the spring beneath his house.

"Welcome home, lover." She smiled and took his face in her hands as she kissed him. Her magic touched his, and he felt like he could sprint a hundred miles without stopping. "We've missed you."

He smiled and held her hands in his. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Naia nodded. "I do not fear these men. They would have to dig deep to truly destroy my spring, and I know they would feel divine wrath long before that happened."

"How is Amymone?"

"Ha!" Naia gestured to the window. "See for yourself."

Mike stood on the lip of the tub to look outside. Down below, the massive oak tree had pulled roots free of the ground, creating a maze inside of a wall of ice. From the branches hung effigies of straw made to look like the men and women out front. Some even had poorly stitched clothing that matched.

"That looks like a hangman's tree," he said. "Very creepy."

"Indeed." Naia's eyes sparkled. "My sister is very protective of this place and wanted to convey the message that she isn't to be trifled with. Amy's also upset about the cold, which is probably why she put in the extra effort. She'll be okay as long as it doesn't drop much further. Otherwise, her tree may go dormant early."

"Will you say hi to her for me? The others don't want me going outside."

"As you shouldn't." Naia's features darkened. "I fear for your safety."

"And I for yours." He kissed the nymph on the head. "Wish me luck. I'm about to go start trouble in Paradise."

Naia grabbed Mike and kissed him so hard that he felt like he would float through the ceiling. When she let go, he actually staggered away from her, a stupid grin on his face.

"You don't need luck, Caretaker." Naia's eyes briefly flashed gold, then became blue once more. "Good luck," said the nymph, oblivious to Hestia's interjection.

"Thank you." It was hard to leave, but he needed to go. As he went down the stairs, he spotted a dark figure in the living room, hunched over by the fireplace. The burning logs crackled and spit as the apparition seemingly warmed his hands above them. Mike coughed into a hand, and Death rose from his crouch.

"Ah, Mike Radley, you are home."

"Are you okay?" he asked. "I heard you were having a tough day."

"I am better." Death grinned macabrely, then scratched at his skull with a finger. It made a rasping sound reminiscent of dead leaves sliding across concrete. "I simply stepped out for a few minutes. I must admit I have been melancholy this day, but am feeling much better."

"I'm glad." Mike looked past Death at the fireplace. "A fire in the middle of summer, huh?"

"It is quite cold out, Mike Radley." Death looked toward the front yard, his gaze wistful. "I will be meeting some of these mortals personally, I'm afraid."

"Yeah." Mike sighed and looked up for a moment. "I don't like the idea of all these people dying in my yard, you know."

"Nor do I. But they were given many chances to step away, to leave our domicile in peace." Death scowled. "They even broke one of my favorite tea cups."

Mike winced. "That's outrageous."

"Quite." Death's eye lights flared briefly. "I wish you luck, my friend."

"You, too, buddy." Mike made his way to the dining room where Lily and Ratu were waiting. The succubus was holding an animated discussion with Dana regarding the clutch of eggs while Ratu watched from the sidelines. "Let's go," he said.