Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 029

Tink leapt on the chair from behind and whacked at one of the pipes with her hammer. The chair bucked and nearly dumped her. Between spinning around and swinging, Mike couldn't get close enough to help.

Carmina pulled on his ear.

"Block the hole!" She flew next to one of the empty shelves. "That wasn't the only thing after us!"

"Jesus." Mike looked down the tunnel and could hear them coming. He stayed on the other side of the hole and grabbed at the empty shelves, pulling them down. They were heavy, but easy enough to tip. He shoved them across the opening just as Tink knocked one of the machetes off of the chair.

"Stupid fucking slashy chair." She swung at the center of the wheel and knocked something loose. One wheel wobbled dangerously when the thing turned, slowing it down substantially. Whoever had designed the chair hadn't accounted for an attack from behind. The chair kept circling around the hole toward him and he kept dodging away, grabbing onto anything he could stack on top of the shelves to hold them down.

Something heavy slammed into the shelves, making the pile pop up a couple feet before slamming back into place. Blocking the hole wasn't going to accomplish anything.

"Tink, let's go!" He opened the door of the pantry and looked out. It was a room that looked similar to a kitchen, but more industrial and much older than his own. He didn't see a fridge and the oven was woodburning. Cecilia rushed the chair, passing through it and grabbing Tink by the wrists to pull her free. Mike held the door open long enough for them to pass through then pulled it shut. The chair crashed into the other side, the saw blades piercing through the heavy wood.

Tink took the opportunity to strike the whirring blades with her hammer. Sparks sprayed across the door and one of the blades broke off, stuck in the wood. She repeated the process on the other blade and it bent down, jamming in place. The door rattled, the chair trying to pull free.

"Good work." He patted her on the head. The machetes were smacking against the door, but he doubted they could get any sort of speed with the chair stuck so close to it. "What the hell was that thing?"

"Spare parts and hell incarnate." Cecilia said. She floated above the room, casting her gaze toward the floor. "I don't see anything like that in here."

"What is this place?" He walked toward the wall, looking for a light switch. Failing to find one, he noticed a lamp built into the wall. It had no bulb in it nor any wiring. Carmina jumped off his collar and turned into a ball of light, landing inside. The scattered glow lit the room enough for a better look around.

It was a servant's kitchen. Long counters were built for food preparation and he could see old stains along the large table in the middle of the room. He was worried it might come to life, but he was pleased to see that it was bolted in place to the floor.

"It's old." Cecilia touched the counter with her fingertips. "I haven't seen such a thing for over a century." She traced her finger along the counter, removing a thick layer of dust.

"Cupboards empty." Tink had stuck her head in the closest one to her. "No pots. No pans."

"Knives?" Mike asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Um..." Tink looked at an empty knife block on the counter. "Tink hope not." The pantry door behind them thudded loudly. Whatever had pursued them had piled against the door.

He was grateful they couldn't get out, but it also meant they couldn't leave that way either.

"I guess we keep going." He signaled to Carmina who hopped out of the sconce and fluttered in front of them. The thick wooden door at the end of the kitchen was somehow ominous. When he touched the knob, he swallowed the lump in his throat.

"A chuisle mo chroí." Cecilia whispered in his ear, the sudden chill of her breath making goosebumps stand up all along his neck.

"What?" He had no idea what she just said.

Cecilia smirked. "Allow me to look. It's why I came." She passed through him, a chill running through his whole body. She turned around to blow him a kiss while sinking through the door.

"Big screamer is big show off." Tink hopped onto the counter and crossed her legs. She took a moment to rearrange a couple of the tools she had brought with her.

"Yes, but she isn't very good at fixing things, is she?"

A small blush bloomed along her green cheeks. She cleared her throat while inspecting her hammer. From where he stood, he could see the gashes in the head of it. Behind them, the pounding on the pantry door had minimized.

Cecilia phased back through the door. "All clear." She winked at Tink, who ignored her.

He pushed the door open. He was looking at a dining room with a plain wooden table. This room was devoid of any other furniture. He stepped inside and looked around. A thick layer of dust was here as well. To his right was a short hallway with some doors and to his left was a spiral staircase going up.

"I think we're in a basement." How did this figure into the layout of the house? He watched Carmina vanish down the hall, her lithe form flitting between the rooms.

"Heavy stuff gone," Tink announced, pointing to some large scratches in the floor. His eyes traced the path back toward the wall. Clearly a large dresser or something similar had been against the wall.

"Looks like it was dragged away." He could almost picture the heavy legs gouging out the wooden floor. The trajectory pointed toward the spiral staircase. "Whatever they removed, it wasn't animated yet."

"Hmm." The lenses on Tink's goggles flicked back and forth as she looked around some more.

Carmina returned, leaving a sparkling trail behind her. "The rooms are empty."

"What kind of rooms are they?" Mike asked.

The fairy shrugged. He went to go check it out. They were similar in size to the small room they had found on the second floor. The wood had faded in places and he could see that they had been minimally furnished. "Servant's quarters," he guessed aloud. Where the hell were they?

Tink walked in behind him. He heard her lenses shift and she walked to the far wall.

"Secret compartment," she announced, then stuck a claw in a gap in the floor. She lifted the loose plank to reveal a small compartment. Inside was a couple of books and a box. Tink handed the books to Mike.

"Interesting." He opened one of the books and was surprised to see that it was just numbers. After turning a few pages, he realized he was looking at some sort of ledger tracking payments in and out. He closed the book and opened the other. The handwriting was very clean and in cursive, the language unfamiliar to him. Some of the words leapt out at him and he realized he was reading something similar to German.

Up in the corner, it had been dated in the year 1196.

"Holy shit." He flipped through the pages. There was no way he was still in the house, it hadn't been around this long. Or had it? He had always assumed the house had been built on this spot, but what if it had been moved?

Tink handed him a small pouch she had found. It had some coins inside. He pocketed them for later.

A brief search of the other rooms revealed nothing else of value and no signs of the rats or Jenny. They reconvened in the dining room, the sound of furniture banging against the pantry having dulled considerably.

Carmina flew ahead up the stairs and they followed at a slower rate. A lump had formed in Mike's throat. He had expected to end up in the Rat King's lair again, not in an ancient mansion. He felt woefully outmatched here and wished he had more of the girls with him.

The stairs stopped at an open archway and he stepped through. He now stood in a library, the shelves stuffed full of books. Large curtains covered windows on the far wall and Carmina hovered before the next door, waving them over.

"Your turn," he told Cecilia. She phased through the door and stopped halfway. She backed up, a puzzled expression on her face.

"I can't go any farther." She looked toward Mike. "There's a barrier."

"Magic?" He grabbed the handle of the door and pulled. There was no latch and it swung open with a loud creak. He winced, then looked through the crack. He pulled the door open even farther, unsure of what he was seeing.

It was solid rock. He touched the cool stone, feeling around the edges of the door. There were no gaps between the frame and the stone itself. It was as if any leftover space had been filled.

"Whoa." Tink was looking at the door itself. The surface was uneven, as if it had been sanded down in random places. Mike stepped back to examine it and realized he was looking at a reverse image of the stone wall itself. He gently closed the door until it was open only a crack. Using his flashlight, he saw that the door's surface matched perfectly.

"I don't get it." He looked at Tink. "Why would someone do this?"

"Tink think not on purpose." She pushed the door shut. "Need find way out."

"Windows maybe?" He walked to them and pulled on the curtains. They fell apart when he pulled, sending a cascade of dust across the room. He coughed, walking out of the cloud. He really wished they had brought some water to drink.

He looked up to see Tink, Cecilia and Carmina all looking out the window. When he turned around, he couldn't help but stare too.

The windows gave him a birdseye view of the city, as if the room had been tilted perfectly sideways. They were high enough up that Mike could actually make out some surrounding clouds and a plane that flew beneath, and he instantly felt a small bout of vertigo take over.

"We're in the sky." He looked at the door across the room. That couldn't be true though, because they were also embedded in rock. They were easily a couple of miles up, but somebody would have noticed a large house embedded in an even bigger rock just floating there.

Right?

He snapped a picture of the city with his phone. This was a mystery he could deal with later, but he didn't feel like coming back to do so.

"Tracks!" Tink shouted, making Mike jump. She was walking all over the room. "Stinky rat tracks, all over!"

"Where do they go?" He watched her circle the room for a few minutes then approach one of the shelves. She walked along it, her fingers tracing the titles. She eventually settled on a pair of thick books at the end and pulled them out. She stuck her arm in the gap and twisted something.

There was a loud click. She walked to the end of the shelf and grabbed the edge.

"Husband help too." She was pulling on the shelf. Mike pushed from the other side and the whole shelf slid along a hidden track in the floor. They revealed a passageway that went about ten feet back and terminated in the same stone behind the door to the room. However, a hole had been chewed into the floor right in front of the wall.

"Hey, great job!" He gave Tink a high-five then ducked away when the books on the shelves launched themselves in his direction. He was knocked off his feet, the old tomes clamping down on his arms and legs. Several more collided with him, their covers flapping like angry birds.

"Tink!" Mike couldn't see where he was going. The books that landed on the floor would flop around like fish then flip their covers open violently, launching themselves toward him. The books passed harmlessly through Cecilia who grabbed Mike by the hand to guide him toward the door. Some of the books were heavy enough that they felt like punches and kicks when they hit him.

The room stank of old paper and mildew. He squinted through the chaos and saw a faint red glow near the floor. He knelt down and grabbed Carmina from underneath a book that was actively trying to chew her up. When they entered the tunnel, a few books were able to follow, but the majority kept flopping around randomly.

He swatted away the few that had followed them, marveling at the large bruise that had already appeared on his arm. They got to the edge of the hole in the floor and looked down.

"Well. Okay then." There were no tricks this time. The hole was in the ceiling of a large bedroom. A magnificent four poster bed was right beneath them. MIke jumped first, his stomach lurching into his throat before landing on the mattress with a thud. He rolled out of the way just as Tink landed.

"That wasn't so-" the mattress snapped shut like a venus flytrap. Mike drew his knife and sliced it along the fold while Tink tried to squirm free from the inside. The bed was hopping up and down, making him think of countless horror movies with nasty poltergeists. The huge frame bent inward, trying to swat at him while he cut. Cecilia was holding onto one of them, keeping it from clubbing MIke in the head.

"Fuck!" One of the posts smacked him hard, his vision going dark around the edges. Growling, he sliced the offending post cleanly off, then did the same for the other one near him. Digging the blade into the frame beneath him, it took only seconds to slice the bed cleanly in two. It sagged and was unable to hop in the air nearly as far. He turned his attention back to the mattress and finished the job, pulling Tink free. Using the knife, he sliced off the other posts and then cut the legs off as well. The bed was now a small pile of wood, flopping limply on the floor.

"Tired of this enchanted furniture bullshit." He stood up and got knocked over by a dresser drawer that had been fired at him from the armoire across the room. Tink flew into a rage and leaped on top of it, smashing the drawers before any more could slide out. She made the whole thing tip onto its front, whaling on the back with the hammer.

Ears ringing, Mike shook his head and sat down on the squirming pile of bed beneath him. This bedroom was still properly furnished and he feared that anything could ambush them at a moment's notice. Tink joined him, breathing hard from exertion.

"Fucking Rat King." She scowled at the ruined furniture across from her.

"I agree." He stared at the dresser. Why hadn't it attacked him while he was breaking the bed?

It was the same with the books. They had only attacked when they had opened the secret passageway.

"Triggers. They operate on triggers." He looked at the bed. "I was too fast for it, but this one attacked when someone landed on it." He looked at the drawer that had hit him. "And my guess is that one attacks if someone gets too far away from the bed. Maybe."

"Then they are traps?"

"Potentially." The only way to know for sure would be to identify some enchanted furniture and then see if they could avoid triggering it. But then how would they know it had been enchanted?

"Tink hate rat house." She gave the toppled dresser a kick.

"Agreed." He put his hand on the door. "Cecilia?"

The banshee passed through and came right back.

"You're not gonna like it." She shook her head.

"Rats?"

"Worse." She took the doorknob and opened it for him. The door swung out into a dimly lit storage room about twenty feet wide and a hundred feet long. It was lit from above by flickering fluorescent light tubes that cast ominous shadows in every direction. At the far end was a set of double doors. The cracked floor was made of concrete and the room was punctuated by metal pillars.

Along the walls, like silent guardians, stood random bits of furniture. Each one looked cobbled together from random household items. To make matters worse, several of them had sharp, glistening blades attached to their makeshift limbs.

Tink stuck her head around Mike, then looked up at him. "Tink know where knives went."

Next chapter will be up early January. I hope you liked this chapter, I've been fantasizing about how I was going to pair Beth and Naia for months!

Next chapter will have Mike fighting furniture, learning more about his magic and a quick trip to the Vault. I'll see you then!