Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 062

It's time for some more monster madness, courtesy of me!

First time reader? This chapter incorporates storytelling elements spread across six books which span three separate tales. It can be confusing, but maybe that's your kink, so read ahead!

Returning reader! So glad to have you back! With the arrival of Eulalie the web-master, Mike finds himself confronting an old problem as well as a new one. Why did Eulalie ship herself to his home? Will Mike decide to make a trip to his cabin out in Oregon?

You'll find out soon! But first, thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. Special thanks to my beta readers, who have been extremely invaluable. My writing schedule has been obliterated, and I often find myself trying to write for five or ten minute stretches during the day. Lots of mistakes get made, but they help me weed them out (as well as find continuity errors). I am so grateful for their help right now.

As for my readers here on Lit, you are amazing, and I promise to keep working hard to write you the stories you deserve to read. And with that, I introduce to you...

A Case of the Shivers

The group walked to the front door with Mike in the lead. The porch creaked under their collective weight as they gathered and a gentle breeze caressed the nearby pillars. He reached for the front door, ready to allow Eulalie inside.

When his fingers touched the knob, he hesitated.

It wasn't because of his magic. One of his many gifts from Naia on inheriting the house was the ability to not only sense danger, but also to somehow know when someone was a good fit for the house. He felt neither of these things right now, but still couldn't put his hand on the knob and officially invite her inside.

Instead, his mind focused on the shiny chitin of her lower body, the rustling movement of her many legs and the strange rounded pads at the bottom that made soft scratching sounds when she walked. Spiders clearly didn't have needle-thin feet at the end of their legs, but that was a fact he never expected to confront in such a wild manner.

Eulalie's body reminded him of the Andersons' basement. They had been friends of his father, and their basement had been far more comfortable than the back seat of his mother's station wagon long after he had died.

The Andersons never spent much time in their basement, which had worked out in his favor for a couple of weeks. However, it was thick with cobwebs that his mother had dismissed, and not all of the webs had been empty. In the middle of the night, he had wandered through a particularly thick web on the way to the bathroom. What he had thought was just a few sticky strands of web stuck to his face was revealed in the dim light of the bathroom to be a burst egg sac of baby spiders that scurried frantically all over his mouth and nose.

His screams had woken the whole house, causing his mother to berate him in front of their hosts for being such a pussy. He was only nine at the time, and when the Andersons kicked them out a week later, his mother had blamed him for it.

Standing at the door of the house, his skin was once more covered in those imaginary spiders. The others noticed his apprehension, most likely wondering if he had sensed something dangerous about their visitor. The moment was officially awkward, which was now compounding the situation.

Eulalie didn't seem to notice. She moved past him and opened the door herself. Once inside, she looked around and then turned to Mike with a grimace on her face. "Sorry to be pushy, but where's the bathroom?" She bit her lips and flexed her legs, doing a pathetic little dance in his front hallway. "I've been in that box a really long time, and even I have limits."

Dumbfounded, Mike pointed toward the hallway by the stairs. She shouldn't be able to come inside without his invitation. Had Emily invited her in at some point? "It's near the back door, you can't miss it." He didn't bother asking how she was going to fit on the toilet.

"Thanks!" She ran down the hallway, startling a cluster of rats who had been watching from the safety of the stairs. He heard the door slam, and then turned to face Lily and Dana.

"Give me the very brief version," he spat at them. It wasn't so much that he was mad that they had withheld the information, but the shock of seeing a half-spider woman had thrown him off entirely. Now that Eualalie was out of sight, his heart felt like it was working properly again.

"Eulalie and her sister Velvet live out in Oregon," Dana said.

"With Bigfoot," Lily added. "And their father."

"Excuse me, did you say Bigfoot?" This was from Beth, who stood behind everyone with Sulyvahn. "Seriously? How tall is he? What about his, uh, hands?"

Sulyvahn laughed. Abella, who stood in the back, let out a grunt of disgust and jumped into the air with flapping wings. The yard was nearly empty now, save for a few centaurs who were moving about and cleaning up the celebration of Spring.

"They're good people," Dana said. "Their father asked us not to tell you they were living there."

"Why?" Mike asked. "It's not like I was going to kick them out or anything."

"It isn't like they would know that," Lily told him. "And besides, there's another reason."

Dana tilted her head in curiosity, but Mike held up his hand for silence.

"Look, I get you thought you were doing the right thing," he said. "But what would have happened to her if neither one of you had been here? Abella would have killed her, and I wouldn't have known better."

Lily and Dana exchanged a look. He could see that Lily wanted to argue, but knew that he was right. Dana, as always, was inscrutable.

"Well, good thing we were here then," Lily responded. "So get over it." She pushed her way past him into the house. The others followed, but Tink paused before stepping through the door.

"Husband want Tink get club?" she asked. "Just in case?"

He ran his hand through her hair, then rubbed his thumb along one of her horns. She purred in delight, and leaned into his thigh.

"It should be fine," he told her with a smile, his hands automatically supporting her. "But maybe keep the swearing down until she gets to know you."

"Fucking bug-eater," Tink grumbled, then walked inside. "Tink no care what spider girl thinks."

Everyone had spread out in the living room. Tink joined Kisa on the couch with Jenny sitting between them, and Quetzalli held a food platter with one hand while using the other to stuff her face with pigs-in-a-blanket. Cecilia hovered by the window, a look of concern on her face.

Realizing that everyone had decided to stay and watch, he shooed them off while waving his hands. Tink grumbled as she stormed up the stairs with Kisa, and Cecilia simply vanished. Sofia grabbed Quetzalli's tray with a promise of more if she came to the kitchen, and the dragon followed her.

He didn't want Eulalie to feel like she was being put on trial, and was grateful when nobody complained. He did ask Beth and Dana to stay. Lily stood in the corner of the room because he knew better than to try to shoo her off, and he saw Jenny had tucked herself in a corner to watch. That, too, was also not a battle he was going to win, so let her stay.

When the toilet flushed, Mike wondered how Eulalie had managed to go to the bathroom. Did she have a human butt? Or maybe she peed like people do? These were stupid questions to wonder about his guest, but his mind was much happier pondering these things until she stepped back into the hallway.

It was the legs. Each one was black and glossy, and they rustled when she moved. He wondered if she could walk along the wall or even the ceiling, and if the plaster could sustain her weight. A cold chill went up his spine as she came out of the hallway. Once back in the living room, her whole body moved upward a foot now that she wasn't about to hit her head on the ceiling.

"That's so much better," Eulalie said, then looked at everyone. "I'm so sorry for showing up unannounced, I didn't have a choice."

"You should have called," Dana told her. "Or sent an email."

"I would have if I could." While Eulalie spoke, one of her legs lifted and stretched out. When it eventually settled back to the ground, another one lifted and went through the same routine. "But that was no longer an option."

"Apparently," Lily grumbled from her corner. "You fucking Fed-Ex'd yourself across the country."

"It wasn't technically Fed-Ex," she said, then assumed a weird squat that made it look like she was sitting. This put her at eye level with Mike, which gave him something to focus on other than her body. "But yes, I did cram myself in a box and mail myself here. An overachiever at the post office decided to be nice and put extra nails in the box, which meant I couldn't get out."

"What brings you here?" Mike asked, his voice squeaking a little.

"I don't know," Eulalie said, turning her focus on him. He could see his reflection in all the extra eyes on her forehead. "Wait, sorry, that came out wrong. I have good reasons for coming, but am unsure of the root cause. My sister and I disagree on the severity of the situation. As Caretaker, I believe that you may hold the key to solving our dilemma."

"That's my job." His voice was steady this time. "Tell me everything."

"Thank you." She crossed her hands across her belly. "To begin with, my father Darren passed away over the winter."

Lily let out a noise like a squeak and left the room. Mike found this to be an odd reaction, but kept his attention on Eulalie. Trying to figure out what was going on inside Lily's brain was a madman's game.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said. "Was he, uh, like you?" He looked at her legs again.

"No, he was human," she said with a wistful smile. "And he was wonderful. The only reason I bring it up is because it relates to why I am here. Everything that I'm about to tell you started shortly after his death. When he died, it was like a change had come over the forest. It seemed circumstantial at first, but a pattern started to emerge. My sister refused to see it, but my whole life is patterns, and she's just being stubborn."

"What do you mean by patterns?" asked Dana.

"There's a barrier around our home, much like your own," Eulalie said. "The former Caretaker Emily gave my mother permission to live there, where she would be safe from people hunting her. The magic that protects the place distracts and confuses anyone from entering who doesn't belong."

"We could use some of that here," Beth grumbled. "Maybe people would quit loitering in our yard."

"The magic isn't foolproof. Anyone determined can breach the barrier, or even just someone who gets really lost. My father used to patrol the boundary almost every day. He would occasionally find a lost hiker, or even a hunter who had tracked game into the area. Nothing too problematic."

"But after he died, no more patrols?" Mike asked.

Eulalie nodded. "For a time. My sister took them up, along with Uncle Foot. Sorry, Bigfoot."

"The actual Bigfoot?" Beth's eyes were shining with curiosity. "The real deal?"

"The one and only," Eulalie replied. "He also goes by Sasquatch, but don't call him a Yeti if you meet him. He's been living with my family since before I was born. It's why his sightings have been less frequent lately. Usually he would only leave to have meetings with other cryptids, or maybe he would get in a fight with my dad and leave to cool off."

"What the hell? What would your dad want to fight with Bigfoot about?" Beth was leaning forward so far that it looked like she may fall off her seat.

Eulalie chuckled. "One time, Bigfoot drank all of my dad's whiskey. It was a Special Reserve he had managed to pick up on one of his trips, but Uncle Foot felt like getting tanked and drained the entire bottle in less than an hour. While Uncle Foot was passed out drunk, my dad got pissed and shaved a reverse mohawk from his forehead down his back. When he woke him, Dad told him if he was going to be a giant, hairy ass then he should look like one."

Beth let out a squeal of mirth, then waved her hand apologetically. "I'm sorry, I'm just excited is all."

Eulalie looked at Mike. "Bigfoot fan?"

Big something fan, he thought to himself. "What was happening on these patrols?" he asked, hoping to get back to the subject at hand. "And tell me about the patterns."

Eulalie's eyes narrowed. "At first glance, the patrols were fine. Nothing ever happened. But then a pattern of nothingness emerged. Even on patrol, you're bound to see some form of game. Like a bear or a deer. Or maybe you don't see the animal, but you do see signs that it was there. But there were no signs at all, as if something was chasing our prey away.

"Anyway, once I realized that Velvet and Uncle Foot were coming back with less food than ever, so I did something I haven't done in a while. I set some traps of my own. I don't usually bother myself with hunting, but a girl's gotta eat."

"With..." he gestured at her waist, the word now stuck in his mouth.

"Webs? Yes." She reached under her skirt with one hand and pulled out a white glob of fluid that balanced perfectly on her middle finger. With a few deft movements, she created a Cat's Cradle, then shifted it around again so that the ensuing web looked like a butterfly. "Unlike my sister, my strengths lie in web-building." She looked around, then awkwardly crumpled the web and shoved it in her mouth.

"Thorry," she muttered. "Not thpothed ta wipe it on clothes."

Mike just stared at her, his mouth hanging open.

"What did you catch in the traps?" asked Dana.

"Some small game," Eulalie replied. "Not enough for a proper meal, but Arachne can go without for some time if we have to. Now, a lack of game is one thing, but it was too perfect. What really caught my attention was when I discovered that something had taken down my bigger traps. It isn't all just webs, mind you, I incorporate the environment into them. Some of my traps had been sprung, but it looked like the animal had been removed. Other times, I discovered that the trap had been taken down entirely, which doesn't make any sense. Not only are they difficult to spot, but some of these were high up in the trees. Someone would have to climb fifteen feet just to take them down.

"Therefore, this pattern of nothingness isn't natural. Something is chasing away our food, but for what purpose?"

"Interesting." Mike pondered over this information and stared at the floor. "There's nothing else in the forest with you guys?"

"Not anymore," she replied. "We had a huge goblin problem some years back—"

"Goblins?" His head snapped up. "You had goblins?"

"Yes. They took up residence in one of the cave systems, kept breaking into our barn and causing problems." She waved a hand dismissively. "That is a problem that we took care of years ago. Even if they had somehow survived this long, they would be too stupid to evade my traps."

Mike nodded. Tink was a genius in many ways, but he had been assured by Naia that her intelligence was completely off the goblin species chart entirely. "So something is taking down your traps and chasing off your food."

"I see it like a chess match. Our pieces were being eliminated before we even knew that the game had started. I'm here to get some new pieces to come and help us."

At the mention of chess, Mike couldn't help but throw a dirty look at Jenny. Checkers was one of the few games he would still play with her. The doll gave him a little wave and pushed herself further into her corner.

"And Velvet disagreed?" Dana asked. "Doesn't seem like her."

Eulalie nodded solemnly. "She's really struggled with everything since dad died. When I brought it up, I got lectured on being self-sufficient and how we didn't deserve to live if we couldn't do things for ourselves, blah blah blah. And Uncle Foot took her side because he promised dad that he would take care of us."

"So why didn't you just call?" Dana shook her head. "Or email, text, whatever. It's not like you're cut off from civilization."

"Oh?" Mike asked. He wondered what sort of technology the cabin in Oregon had. If anything, he bet it had a rotary phone.

"By the time I thought about contacting you, we actually had been cut off. Completely." Eulalie sighed. "The very same day I realized my traps were tampered with, I came home to discover that the fiber line we had run to our home had been severed and carried off. And cell service has always been spotty at best, but now it just doesn't exist out there anymore, almost like it's being blocked. Whatever is out there was watching me, and making moves of its own. Velvet and I got in a huge fight over it, and I told her I was leaving to get help."

"Why didn't Bigfoot bring you?" he asked. He knew that Bigfoot could move between trees using magic portals, but wasn't entirely certain of the mechanism.

"This house was cut off years ago, but we had no idea why. Having Bigfoot and a giant spider wandering the neighborhood trying to find this place would be a terrible idea. There isn't anywhere nearby we could just jump to. He needs certain trees when he travels." Eulalie chuckled. "So he helped box me up and dropped me off at a shipping office in Kentucky. There are still plenty of trees there for him to sneak around in."

"Seems like he could have come a lot closer," Beth said with a frown. "If it's trees he needs, anyway."

"Oh, he hates coming out east," Eulalie said. "And don't bother asking me why. Anytime I asked him about it, he furrows his head up and looks like a gorilla trying to force a monster shit out." Her cheeks flushed and she covered her mouth. "Oh, I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry about it," Mike reassured her. "Our swear jar is full anyway, it's how we fund this place. It's a goblin problem of our own."

"Thank you, I—" Eulalie froze as Death entered the room carrying a teapot in one hand and a Viewmaster toy held to his face. His bony fingers were long enough that he could casually flick the lever that changed the image inside. He did this as he walked past, the Viewmaster letting out a hushed click as he chortled in glee.

"Can you see what he has?" Mike asked Beth.

"On it." She stood and followed Death into the dining room.

"Was that a ghost?" asked Eulalie in awe. "That teacup was just hovering, it was so wild!"

"That's...complicated." He heard Death protesting loudly and Beth came out of the dining room with the slide reel in her hand. She handed the slide to Mike, who held it up to the light.

"I will have you know, Mike Radley, that I paid mistress Tink the sum of twenty dollars for that slide," Death announced as he walked back into the room. "By the laws of state and local commerce, that item rightfully belongs to me."

He focused his eye on one image at a time and let out a laugh. The pictures were all of Tink in various states of undress, though a few of the pictures were just downright goofy. In one of them, she was wearing a pair of his boxers on her head with her nose sticking out of the fly.

"Mistress Tink?" he asked. "Since when do you call her mistress?"

"Transference of titles is another valid form of currency, Mike Radley." Death held out his hand expectantly. "Now please return my property."

"Yeah, sure." He extended his hand out, but Beth snatched it away from him.

"Where did you get twenty dollars?" Beth asked.

"Who are you guys talking to?" Eulalie asked in a whisper.

"Just a sec," Mike replied, curious to hear Death's answer.

"I found it," Death replied in an indignant tone.

"Where?" Beth asked.

The grim reaper scowled at her, the tiny flames in his eyes brightening. "In your bedroom," he replied. "On the floor. Unattended."

"That was my twenty dollars," Beth informed him with a scowl. "I keep cash in my purse for emergencies, it must have fallen out. Though I'm not sure how, because I never go anywhere."