Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 091

"You!" He pointed in Kisa's direction and she almost screamed. "Fetch me another TV."

An elf near Kisa's hiding place grabbed a pair of helpers and they hustled out of the room together. Leppalúði scratched his chin, then blew a massive fart before chuckling.

"Now where did I leave that fokken pot?" he muttered, heading for the other side of the cave. When he pressed his hands into the stone, the whole wall shifted inward, revealing another series of caves. Once he was gone, Kisa got down from her hiding spot.

"I hate this place, I hate this place," she muttered, moving toward the main tunnel, careful to avoid the new stain on the floor. She knew where the elves were, now she just needed somewhere safe to try and get hold of Mike. From the tunnel, she could hear the soft crunching of elven bones.

"Shit." Grýla was likely having another snack on the way out. Wasn't the Krampus gonna be pissed about all the elves she had eaten? Shaking her head, Kisa looked around the room and noticed the tunnel the elves tasked with a new TV had gone down. Maybe there was a way out through there?

This tunnel turned into a long stairway with a gentle curve to it and was lit by glowing crystals that had been jammed into the wall and ceiling. Kisa grabbed a smaller one and was able to pry it loose in her hands. She tucked it into her coat and continued up the tunnel for several minutes before finding herself in the entrance of a building. A service elevator was at one end with a metallic staircase next to it that descended into darkness.

The elevator was gone, so she took the staircase, cursing the way it squeaked beneath her feet. At the bottom, she found herself in a massive warehouse with earthen walls. The dim light from the elevator revealed pallets stacked with wrapped presents that receded into darkness. From where Kisa was, she couldn't tell how big the warehouse was.

One elf stood at the controls of a spotlight, while another flipped through a massive tome that sat on a pedestal built into a dais. After a couple of minutes, the elf with the tome shouted a series of numbers and letters. The elf in control of the spotlight worked the controls, then turned on the light. The beam hit a distant pallet dead center. The elves hopped down from the dais and disappeared into the darkness between the dais and the lit pallet.

Kisa moved to the dais to inspect the tome. Each page contained three columns. The first column was composed of names while the second was a list of televisions by size and brand. In the third column was a combination of letters and numbers that didn't make any immediate sense. It was two letters followed by four numbers.

In the distance, she heard the sound of boxes being shifted. It was easy enough to climb the pole of the spotlight until she could see the elves were busy digging through the pallet where the light was aimed. In the middle of the pallet was a large present that could easily contain a television.

"Huh." She slid back down the pole and examined the third column once more. Clearly the pallets were sorted somehow. She climbed up the spotlight again and stared at where the elves were rummaging about. How had they known where the pallet was?

It took her a couple of minutes before she figured it out on the controls for the spotlight. A double set of letters had been written on the lever that controlled the vertical axis of the light while a series of numbers was engraved into the large wheel that rotated the whole stand.

Doing a quick check of the current values, she moved back to the book and discovered that a fifty-seven inch Vizio television was registered to a Michelle Hackett. There was a grinding sound, followed by the squeaking of wheels. Kisa looked up to see that the elves were loading the television onto a dolly and wheeling it back in her direction.

When she looked back at the tome, she watched as Michelle's name vanished from the column, along with her TV. The names all shifted to fill the blank space, causing Kisa to stop and stare for so long that she almost forgot to hide.

The elves loaded the television onto the elevator, then came back long enough to turn off the spotlight and close the tome. The whole warehouse plummeted into darkness, save for the little bit of light that came from the elevator itself.

Kisa sat in the dark and waited. She could hear the elves unloading the elevator, most likely headed straight back to Grýla's lair. After perhaps fifteen minutes, she pulled the crystal from her pocket and sighed in relief when it gave her enough light to see by.

What was this place? Why did Santa have a massive stockpile of presents here? She moved back to the dais and held the crystal over the tome.

The word Undeliverables was written in gold letters across the cover. Kisa opened the book to a random page and saw that the names and items were now all scrambled.

She tried to pick up the book, but it felt bolted to the pedestal. Strangely, when she tried to flip to the end, there were always a few more pages in the back. Eventually they became blank, so she returned to the beginning.

What made a present undeliverable? Didn't Santa know where to find everyone?

"I don't really have time for this," she said, but the lie was insufficient. This was probably the perfect place to hide for now, and she had nothing else going on. She flipped to a random page and scrolled through the names.

Toys, appliances, blankets. The second column had no order to it anymore. Kisa wondered how the elves had managed to find a page with nothing but televisions on it. Using her finger to scan the second column, she accidentally touched the page and watched in fascination as the items all shuffled themselves into alphabetical order.

"Oh!" It was like a magical spreadsheet! She tapped the page a few more times and saw that there seemed to be a pattern in how it ordered itself. One touch put it in alphabetical order. A second touch did reverse alphabetical order, and then a third touch took her to a random page.

"This is so weird," she muttered, then tried the first and third column with similar results. However, with the first column, the pattern repeated itself based on first, last, and occasionally middle names. If Santa wanted to, he could find anybody in here with an undelivered present.

Out of curiosity, she looked up Mike Radley. It took her a couple of minutes just flipping pages to get to the Rs, only to discover that he had no gifts waiting for him in the warehouse. Mike Ridley, on the other hand, never got his Super Soaker CPS 2000, whatever that was.

She closed the tome and paused, her fingers hovering along the edges of the cover. It was a fleeting thought, one that terrified her with possibilities. The pages of the tome fluttered as she opened it once more, alphabetized it by first name, and then flipped to the K section.

"Kirsten...Kirstopher...Kirstynn..." Her eyes blurred as some of the words briefly appeared as letters from other languages. She assumed they were translated phonetically, but who was she to question magical books in a warehouse full of abandoned gifts?

And there it was, tucked in the middle of the page, a solitary word in the first column. Her heart pounded at seeing her own name, written in golden calligraphy as if waiting for her to discover it. If Santa had brought her a gift, would he really have addressed it to her nickname?

The old man would have. If what she knew about Santa was correct, everything had to be accounted for after the fact. Parents remembered buying the gifts, and they would be the ones to address them.

Her eyes slid over to the second column, the breath suddenly leaving her body. If this gift had been intended for someone else, then she was heartbroken for them, knowing it had never been delivered. It would be a special kind of cruelty, one that would force her to confront Santa and demand answers should she ever meet him. And if it was for her...

Then she still wanted some fucking answers. Written in that second column in golden calligraphy were two words with a tiny splotch of moisture beneath as if the record keeper had shed a single tear upon writing them.

Adoption Papers

It didn't take her long to manipulate the spotlight, cranking it through its different positions. She turned it so fast that the harsh rustling of wood on pallets caught her attention. Gazing out into the darkness, she could barely make out the shifting mounds of undelivered presents. While she turned the dial, they would arbitrarily reorganize themselves.

When she clicked on the light, it was aimed at a distant pallet that bore the code from the book.

"Okay, so magical sorting system still wants to make me walk. You've got some weird kinks in your system, Santa." She jumped off of the dais and ran between the stacks, startled at how dark the room was outside of the spotlight. If not for the spotlight itself, she doubted she would even be able to find her way back.

After a couple minutes navigating the dark piles, she came to a pallet stacked high with wrapped presents. Unsure where to begin, she did a quick once over from the edges, and then moved in to check the top. So many different names were written on the gifts, and there seemed to be no organization to them. Were they geographic? Or was it by year? It was impossible to say, and the idea of unwrapping a few gifts to see what was inside felt terribly wrong.

The light reflected off of the corner of a shiny red envelope that had fallen between two packages. Kisa pulled it free and gasped. Her name was written in bold letters across the front, addressed to her from Santa.

If this was for her, would the old man's name be inside? It would have to be, as well as her own. Her entire history lay sandwiched between two layers of red foil paper, just waiting to be revealed.

She hesitated, knowing that once she opened it, everything would change. There were a lot of painful things she had come to terms with, and she was happy right now. Would what she discovered take that happiness away?

Gritting her teeth, she tucked the envelope away in the inner pocket of her jacket, folding it in half to make it fit. This was not the time or the place. Maybe once she was back with Mike, or even Tink, would she be brave enough to open it.

The elevator groaned, descending from above as if under a heavy load. Kisa watched in horror as Leppalúði appeared, clutching an elf under an arm while a couple more rode behind him. She moved to conceal herself behind the pallet, the giant's deep voice carrying across the distance.

"Name-brand, only, food! Get me a name brand!" He stepped off of the elevator and threw the elf at the dais. "Stupid food, your brains are all mush now. You even left the spotlight on!"

The elf used the dais to stand, then clicked off the spotlight. The shadows of the room swallowed Kisa whole, her entire body going cold.

She never heard the rustling of pages, but the moment the elves started cranking that dial, her stomach flip-flopped as she was violently shifted somewhere else. She didn't have to hold on to anything, the feeling was entirely internal. When the spotlight clicked on again, it was a faint light in the distance, searching for Leppalúði's brand name television.

"Shit, shit, shit," she muttered, patting her jacket to make sure she still had her envelope. Satisfied that it was in her possession, she broke into a run toward the spotlight. She was too far away to worry about being heard, and the darkness cloaked her better than any spell could. If not for the dark silhouettes between her and the light, she would have run into piles of gifts several times over.

Leppalúði was on the dais now, going on a rant about being unable to find good help these days, a smug grin on his face. He raised his voice so that the elves could hear him.

"You fokken elves better get it together, because things are gonna be different once my wife is in charge. She's gonna run things for the Krampus while he's busy doing...uh, whatever it is he does." Leppalúði shoved a finger up his nostril in an attempt to either dislodge a booger or poke his own brain. He gagged, then pulled his finger free. "Hate how cold it is, all the fokken time. Will be good to get a nice warm meal!"

He shouted this last bit, then patted his stomach dramatically. "That's right, food, your lot are gonna get a reprieve from being eaten! You taste okay, though you're extra chewy now that you're all messed up inside. But the wife says the Krampus is gonna bring us what we really want." Drool formed along the edges of his lips, causing spittle to dangle from his chin. "And once I find that fokken pot, I'm gonna get it nice and hot and make me a stew."

Kisa climbed onto a nearby gift pallet and groaned. If she had to guess, she was easily a mile away from the spotlight. The elves were already moving the dolly and loading a large box onto it.

"It's been so long since I've eaten a child." Leppalúði stared up at the ceiling, his teeth glittering in the light.

Kisa stumbled, as if punched in the gut. Did he just say a child?

"Santa wouldn't let us, you know that? We've been forced to play nice, that fokken guy. Every couple of years, though, we'd find a way to sneak one of you. Eat you raw, we did, cause we had to hide our pot from the big man. The Krampus, though? He don't care who we eat." Leppalúði turned his attention to the elves, who stopped by the dais. The giant inspected the box, and nodded. "Sony. Now that's a name brand."

Kisa resumed her run, hoping to close as much of the distance as possible. She had to fight the urge to call out, knowing that death was the likely outcome of such an act. Despite her mad sprint, she was barely out of breath.

As Leppalúði got on the elevator, one of the elves went back and clicked off the spotlight, plunging the room into darkness. Only the dim light from the cavern beyond the elevator provided any illumination, which vanished once the elevator was gone.

She waited in the dark, her whole body on high alert as she kept her gaze in the direction the spotlight had been. It wasn't until several minutes had passed that she pulled the glowing crystal out of her pocket. It provided enough light for her to see maybe twenty feet out in each direction, but that was it. She would have to navigate her way back carefully, being very careful not to deviate from her course.

Contacting Mike would have to wait a little bit longer.

❄️❄️❄️

Yuki woke up, feeling Mike shift behind her. She turned her head, curious if he had woken up, but his face was scrunched up as if he was deep in concentration. It was entirely possible, considering he was essentially going to magic school inside his own head.

Figuring she had slept long enough, she snuck out of bed, belting her robe before exiting the bedroom. She was unsurprised to see Holly leaning over the coffee table where she had set up a board game with Jack and Freya. It was The Game of Life, and Jack was busy holding a piece of paper in scrutiny.

"Would you get on with it?" Freya growled from the corner of their mouth.

"You need to be patient," Holly told her. "Just because you didn't care about purchasing auto insurance doesn't mean you need to rush her decision." When the elf saw Yuki, she covered her mouth. "Oh, shoot. Were we too loud? Did we wake you?"

Yuki smiled and shook her head. "No, you guys are fine. It looks like you found something fun to do."

Freya snorted. "Hardly. There's nothing else for us to do but wait for the Caretaker to awaken and stare at us some more."

"We were gonna play Scrabble, but hiding the tiles from each other became too difficult," Jack added. "And nobody here wants to play Monopoly."

"That probably would have been a bad idea." She moved to the counter where a pot of coffee sat. Summoning a handful of foxfire, she picked up the carafe in one hand and heated it from the bottom with the other.

"Since you're up, do you want to play Clue?" asked Holly as she held up the box for it.

Yuki shivered, the fur on her tail poofing out. "We don't talk about the Clue incident," she replied out of habit.

"What?" A look of confusion crossed Holly's face.

"Er, nothing, don't worry about it. And no, I'm not up for board games right now." Yuki didn't bother explaining the Clue incident. It had become an unspoken rule that you simply didn't talk about it. "If you're tired, you can go lie down for a bit."

"Not really, but..." Holly looked at the door to the bedroom, her cheeks darkening. "Maybe someone should go in there and keep an eye on him. Just in case."

Yuki smirked. "Yeah, good idea." She wasn't worried that the elf would try anything, not with Mike's current moratorium on intimacy. Still, there was something to be said about snuggling up in his arms and listening to his heart beat while he slept. Oh, and the smell of him was simply heavenly, like fresh cut cedar and even sometimes a forest glade.

Holly excused herself, then vanished into the bedroom and closed the door.

"Disgusting." Freya wrinkled her side of the face. "The way you all pine for him. It's like you're bitches in heat."

Yuki stared daggers over the top of the carafe. "That's not how it is at all. Mike and I have been friends for awhile, and I didn't always feel this way about him."

"That doesn't explain the elf, nor my lesser half."

"Hey!" Jack's protest was muted, and she dropped her car insurance paper. "I've never said anything about desiring him."

"Please," Freya countered. "Don't think I haven't noticed how our heart quickens when he touches us, nor how you hang on his every word. We share the same vagina. Do you really think I don't notice how wet we are?"

Yuki raised an eyebrow, surprised at this piece of information. "Jack, is this true?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." There was a surprising range of emotions on Jack's half a face. "It doesn't entirely make sense to me. I'm Jack Frost. I don't have those feelings. I don't even know if I can."

"Ugh, please. You are totally capable of those feelings. In fact, back in the day, we had those feelings for plenty of people." Freya chuckled. "We were quite the party girl."

"Tell me more," Yuki said, satisfied that the coffee was hot enough. She poured herself a cup, then offered some to Jack and Freya, but both declined.

"What's there to tell? I feel certain things around him, ever since that first time he spoke to me." Jack's eye twitched. "His words, they felt almost like commands. I wanted to obey, but suspected something more sinister."

"I remember that." Yuki sat across from them in Holly's spot. "It was weird, like his voice was in my mind. I just really wanted to give him whatever he wanted."

"Hah! Proof!" Freya looked victorious. "It's that magic of his, it makes you all crazy for him!"

"Keep it down, please." Yuki sipped her coffee, her tails swishing as her body warmed. "And I can tell you from experience, that's not something he does. At least, not on purpose."

"What do you mean?" Jack asked.

"I can't say. It wasn't even until recently that I even thought about being with him in that way. And he never pushed me toward it, nor anybody else, for that matter. For the longest time, I suspected he may abuse his magic. Gods know it's probably an ability he could acquire, should he choose it. But that's not what he does."

Freya rolled her eye. "That's hardly a defense."

"You're right, it's not." Yuki set her coffee down. "But for someone who just bragged about being a party girl, you sound like a huge prude, Freya."

Freya growled, golden light filling her pupil. "Don't disrespect me, fox. I still haven't forgiven you for stealing my divinity away."