by treehugger4life
I think it's a wonderful story and not too long at all. A great fantasy.
A good story,but a certain amount of editing and more pace in the text would turn it into an excellent story.
Some errors in grammar and punctuation were slightly distracting, but the story had nice build up and the action was hot. I look forward to the other chapters!
Not sure what to make of it. Seemed a bit fast pace. Not horrible or anything. I suppose just wasn't my type.
I just loved your story. Great descriptions ....and great sex !
The POV was little off, I would have liked to see the dynamics between Chris and his wife especially after Sharon's conniption, and the dialog between Chris and Allie while they were sitting on the couch was a little hokey. Other than that I thought it had a nice build up, the story was engaging, and the sex was unbelievable. I look forward to another chapter, the nanny being knocked up should make things very interesting.
You actually wrote "She gounded" against him, and "He thrusted" into her. Yikes! These are irregular verbs that don't have past tense. And that's what you get when you don't read out loud. Also, try using the "speak text" feature of Microsoft Word. It will read back for you. These things will pop out like a ton of bricks. But because you didn't do it this time, your story read as though it was written by Desi Arnaz while he was mad at Luci. Fix it and resubmit, ok?
You write well, but I thought your characters were too extreme, almost caricatures -- wife is cold blooded bitch , Allie is naive, beutiful Pollyanna type and Chris is Mr. Charming AND seductive but pretty evil, when he doesn't worry about impregnating a young innocent virgin who is probably half his age. Fantasy is fine but this is too unreal.
60 year old George
Hot!
Easily five stars and a favorite!
Almost perfect, I’d love to read more like this