All Comments on 'How I Met Jennifer Ch. 01'

the hyphens instead of quotation marks are REALLY REALLY distracting.

Hey, that did it for me! :)

I agree, the hyphens instead of quotation marks were distracting. Though I got used to it, I think I'd prefer that you keep with conventional punctuation.

I thought your story was very sweet. Love at first sight does happen. I've seen it, so I found your story quite believable. I guess I would just say that your writing is a little unrefined, but that's nothing that a re-write or two wouldn't take care of. You did a great job of utilizing dialogue to show us your characters, and I really liked your protagonist. Shy guys are so cute. I can think of more than one that I've wanted to, er, never mind....

Loved the sex in the restroom, very hot! Great story, keep it up!

Jeff, you have a good story line, however I don’t believe you are using it to its full potential. I hope that you are no angry at my comments, as I believe you have a good idea about what to want to say, you just aren’t sure of how to put it all down. I have shown several different methods of writing and creating descriptions, which may help the reader to see the direction in which you are leading them. Remember they only have your words to describe what you are attempting to show them.

Everybody who reads Literotica is “Horny”, so you may wish to change your pseudonym, or just use “Jeff”. I only took it five pages into your story, as I believe it will give you enough with which to work. Good luck and keep burning up that keyboard.(Professor98). Should you ever forgive me for any of my negative comments, my e-mail is writer99@charter.net

How I Met Jennifer Ch. 01

by hornyjeff ©

__Disclaimer__

This story contains sexually explicit elements, if you are under 18 years of age, or whatever age any local laws dictate, you are urged to stop reading right away. The same goes for any people who dislike stories of this nature but somehow ended up with this one in front of them anyway.

Everything in this story was made up, so if there are any resemblances to real life persons or events, they just happened to exist in my imagination too.

The story is somewhat of the romantic sort, still with some explicit episodes. If you only want sex, it will definitely have too much story in-between, yet, if all you want is a romantic storyline, it probably goes too deep into the details.

Also, this is my first story of this kind, so take it for what it is... Feel free to send comments.

Jeff, this first part is superfluous, Literotica has already posted everything you are saying. It is wasting the reader’s time.

Still here? Goody! (silly)

__Background__

At the point where this story starts, I was still unmarried and without a steady girlfriend. My family and closest friends had a tendency to make hints about this, probably thinking that it was time to settle down.

This is another waste of time. The reader will know when you begin the story. You don’t have to lead them into it.

However, this lack of female company was in a sense self-inflicted, I worked too much and went out too little, me (my) being shy didn't really help the situation either.

Try writing third person. It will allow you to delve into the heads of all of your characters and it gives the reader a since of anonymity, instead of an individual sitting there with you talking to them. Try it; you will have more latitude in your writing. Third person is simple. Instead of using the letter “I” all of the time, the word “he” or “she” is used. See below.

The lack of female company was in a sense self-inflicted. Jeff knew that he worked too much and went out to little. His being shy didn’t really help the situation either.

__Ch. 1: Meeting her__ Dump these things “___” They are distracting.

There I was, in one of the festivities (festivities indicates a town party similar to Cinco de Mayo or something of that nature.) that I hadn't been able to back out of, a small party at an old friend's house.

Jeff was frustrated. He didn’t like parties of any kind; but his long time school buddy and business partner, Ralph had invited him and he wasn’t able to turn him down.

This backs up the earlier statement that her was shy. It also shows that Ralph was a friend for which he would do a lot.

My friend's name was Ralph, we were of about the same age. We had first

gotten to know each other at school, it must have been 15 years ago. Now

we were working together on a small firm that we had started together

after finishing school.

The previous sentence is convoluted, and most of it is unnecessary. Never use the “word” gotten.

When Jeff and Ralph graduated college, the started a small (what kind of firm) dot com business, and began working together.

A firm indicates lawyers or something more than a small business.

Anyway, Ralph lived together with his lovely wife, Karen, and a four year

old son, Fred.

PLEASE NEVER START WITH “ANYWAY” AS IT SOUNDS AS THOUGH YOU HAVE BEEN INTRUPTED, OR YOU ARE EIGHT YEARS OLD.

The weather was lovely this day, all the guests were out in the garden,

drinking wine and (take out generally) mingling. The process of mingling is a general one.

Jeff walked through the house and saw that everyone was in the garden. He grabbed a drink, which he really needed, and went out to join the guests under the beautiful blue sky.

I was, as usual, mostly (the word “sticking” denotes glue) to the people I already knew even though I knew that I probably should break that habit.

Try not to use the same word in the same sentence. “knew”

Although Jeff knew that making new friends would probably be good for their business, he still gravitated to the people with whom he was comfortable.

Shows his problem with his shyness.

Suddenly a young woman came out of the house, immediately catching my eye. She looked to be in her mid-twenties and looked stunning in the summer

dress she was wearing. “Suddenly” he saw a truck bearing down on him. Not a girl.

Jeff stood there bored, mindlessly chatting with an elderly lady, who was an old friend of Ralph’s family, and an investor in their company. The veranda door opened and out steeped a beautiful girl in her mid-twenties, her light blue summer dress, caught the wind and flew up a little, revealing her well shaped legs. She could have been a swimsuit model in “SPORTS ILLUSTRATED”.

Her shoulder length strawberry blonde hair, flowed like corn silk in the warm summer breeze, and everyone watched mesmerized when she smiled.

Jeff your idea is good, however in a story, you should let the reader observe what you see. It must be interesting or, they will leave and find something, which is interesting. Check the Supermarket shelves full of hair dye. I don’t believe they have the color “hazel” for hair. There are hazel eyes however. Try to use mental illustrations, with which the readers are usually familiar. Most guys know of the gorgeous models in the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, as there wives will usually let them read that.

If you used playboy or hustler, many men do not have that privilege. Watch your words. Although the word “great” was used correctly, more or less, you must ask yourself what each word might bring to mind. Great makes me think of something very large, (not a young woman) or “Tony the Tiger” advertising a sugar coated cereal.

How cute was her face? Well, everyone watched mesmerized when she smiled. Most of the women secretly wanted to leave the party; as she was so cute that they could not compete. One woman even commented to he husband that he should close his mouth, as the flies were looking for a moist place to land.

She had long, flowing, hazel hair, a cute face, and, as any guy who was paying attention must have noticed, her body looked great too. She was very natural looking, “not thread thin like a model.” Good illustration of what I’m trying to explain.

"Younger than me, but not enough to be indecent," I thought to myself.

"Not that it matters, she probably already has a boyfriend, or will dislike me for some yet unknown reason," I reasoned.

Ok, another convoluted sentence.

How about, “Jeff saw that she was younger than he, but not enough to be illegal.” This sentence now shows she was at least over eighteen, and he wasn’t a child molester. ‘Not that it mattered anyway,’ he thought, ‘as she probably already had a boyfriend, or would dislike him for some other yet unknown reason.’ Single line quotes for thoughts. (‘ not “)

I had been talking to Karen at this point, but when I wasn't answering any

more, she turned around to see what it was that I was staring at. Yes, I

was staring, I couldn't help it.

When Jeff abruptly stopped talking mid sentence, the woman who had his attention turned to see where his new interest lay. Embarrassed as he was, he could not bring himself to stop staring at the girl. The lady smiled, knowingly, remembering a much younger time.

Karen followed my eyes and saw the girl walking down the steps from their front door, (couldn’t be their front door as they were all in the garden in the back of the house. Most people, unless they are hillbillies don’t hold parties in their front yard.) then turned back and smiled knowingly at me.

I suddenly came back to reality; blushing slightly from the look Karen had given me. The girl, however, didn't seem to have noticed, which was a bit of a relief to me. Jeff was relieved when he realized the young girl had not seen him gaping at her.

“I see that you noticed Jennifer”, Karen said. Quote marks when somebody is speaking

“Uhh, yeah!”

“Do you think she is pretty?” Karen teased.

“God yes!” he said a blush on his face.

She's pretty, eh, (the word “eh” is reserved only for old sea captains and old cowboys) Karen teased, knowing very well that I would have just dropped the subject as quickly as possible if I were to choose.

This is as far as I could go with my time constraints. If you believe any of my comments have been helpful, and you would like some additional constructive criticism, you have my e-mail address. Good Luck.

Jeff, you have a good story line, however I don’t believe you are using it to its full potential. I hope that you are no angry at my comments, as I believe you have a good idea about what to want to say, you just aren’t sure of how to put it all down. I have shown several different methods of writing and creating descriptions, which may help the reader to see the direction in which you are leading them. Remember they only have your words to describe what you are attempting to show them. I believe you know your words and which are mine, if not, e-mail me and we can talk about it.

Everybody who reads Literotica is “Horny”, so you may wish to change your pseudonym, or just use “Jeff”. I only took it five pages into your story, as I believe it will give you enough with which to work. Good luck and keep burning up that keyboard.(Professor98). Should you ever forgive me for any of my negative comments, my e-mail is writer99@charter.net

How I Met Jennifer Ch. 01

by hornyjeff ©

__Disclaimer__

This story contains sexually explicit elements, if you are under 18 years of age, or whatever age any local laws dictate, you are urged to stop reading right away. The same goes for any people who dislike stories of this nature but somehow ended up with this one in front of them anyway.

Everything in this story was made up, so if there are any resemblances to real life persons or events, they just happened to exist in my imagination too.

The story is somewhat of the romantic sort, still with some explicit episodes. If you only want sex, it will definitely have too much story in-between, yet, if all you want is a romantic storyline, it probably goes too deep into the details.

Also, this is my first story of this kind, so take it for what it is... Feel free to send comments.

Jeff, this first part is superfluous, Literotica has already posted everything you are saying. It is wasting the reader’s time.

Still here? Goody! (silly)

__Background__

At the point where this story starts, I was still unmarried and without a steady girlfriend. My family and closest friends had a tendency to make hints about this, probably thinking that it was time to settle down.

This is another waste of time. The reader will know when you begin the story. You don’t have to lead them into it.

However, this lack of female company was in a sense self-inflicted, I worked too much and went out too little, me (my) being shy didn't really help the situation either.

Try writing third person. It will allow you to delve into the heads of all of your characters and it gives the reader a since of anonymity, instead of an individual sitting there with you talking to them. Try it; you will have more latitude in your writing. Third person is simple. Instead of using the letter “I” all of the time, the word “he” or “she” is used. See below.

The lack of female company was in a sense self-inflicted. Jeff knew that he worked too much and went out to little. His being shy didn’t really help the situation either.

__Ch. 1: Meeting her__ Dump these things “___” They are distracting.

There I was, in one of the festivities (festivities indicates a town party similar to Cinco de Mayo or something of that nature.) that I hadn't been able to back out of, a small party at an old friend's house.

Jeff was frustrated. He didn’t like parties of any kind; but his long time school buddy and business partner, Ralph had invited him and he wasn’t able to turn him down.

This backs up the earlier statement that her was shy. It also shows that Ralph was a friend for which he would do a lot.

My friend's name was Ralph, we were of about the same age. We had first gotten to know each other at school, it must have been 15 years ago. Now we were working together on a small firm that we had started together after finishing school.

The previous sentence is convoluted, and most of it is unnecessary. Never use the word "gotten".

When Jeff and Ralph graduated college, the started a small (what kind of firm) dot com business, and began working together.

A firm indicates lawyers or something more than a small business.

Anyway, Ralph lived together with his lovely wife, Karen, and a four year

old son, Fred.

PLEASE NEVER START WITH “ANYWAY” AS IT SOUNDS AS THOUGH YOU HAVE BEEN INTRUPTED, OR YOU ARE EIGHT YEARS OLD.

The weather was lovely this day, all the guests were out in the garden, drinking wine and (take out generally) mingling. The process of mingling is a general one.

Jeff walked through the house and saw that everyone was in the garden. He grabbed a drink, which he really needed, and went out to join the guests under the beautiful blue sky.

I was, as usual, mostly (the word “sticking” denotes glue) to the people I already knew even though I knew that I probably should break that habit.

Try not to use the same word in the same sentence. “knew”

Although Jeff knew that making new friends would probably be good for their business, he still gravitated to the people with whom he was comfortable. Shows his problem with his shyness.

Suddenly a young woman came out of the house, immediately catching my eye. She looked to be in her mid-twenties and looked stunning in the summer dress she was wearing. “Suddenly” he saw a truck bearing down on him. Not a girl.

Jeff stood there bored, mindlessly chatting with an elderly lady, who was an old friend of Ralph’s family, and an investor in their company. The veranda door opened and out steeped a beautiful girl in her mid-twenties, her light blue summer dress, caught the wind and flew up a little, revealing her well shaped legs. She could have been a swimsuit model in “SPORTS ILLUSTRATED”.

Her shoulder length strawberry blonde hair, flowed like corn silk in the warm summer breeze, and everyone watched mesmerized when she smiled.

Jeff your idea is good, however in a story, you should let the reader observe what you see. It must be interesting or, they will leave and find something, which is interesting. Check the Supermarket shelves full of hair dye. I don’t believe they have the color “hazel” for hair. There are hazel eyes however. Try to use mental illustrations, with which the readers are usually familiar. Most guys know of the gorgeous models in the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, as there wives will usually let them read that.

If you used playboy or hustler, many men do not have that privilege. Watch your words. Although the word “great” was used correctly, more or less, you must ask yourself what each word might bring to mind. Great makes me think of something very large, (not a young woman) or “Tony the Tiger” advertising a sugar coated cereal.

How cute was her face? Well, everyone watched mesmerized when she smiled. Most of the women secretly wanted to leave the party; as she was so cute that they could not compete. One woman even commented to he husband that he should close his mouth, as the flies were looking for a moist place to land.

She had long, flowing, hazel hair, a cute face, and, as any guy who was paying attention must have noticed, her body looked great too. She was very natural looking,

“not thread thin like a model.” Good illustration of what I’m trying to explain.

"Younger than me, but not enough to be indecent," I thought to myself.

"Not that it matters, she probably already has a boyfriend, or will dislike me for some yet unknown reason," I reasoned.

Ok, another convoluted sentence.

How about, “Jeff saw that she was younger than he, but not enough to be illegal.” This sentence now shows she was at least over eighteen, and he wasn’t a child molester. ‘Not that it mattered anyway,’ he thought, ‘as she probably already had a boyfriend, or would dislike him for some other yet unknown reason.’ Single line quotes for thoughts. (‘ not “)

I had been talking to Karen at this point, but when I wasn't answering any more, she turned around to see what it was that I was staring at. Yes, I was staring, I couldn't help it.

When Jeff abruptly stopped talking mid sentence, the woman who had his attention turned to see where his new interest lay. Embarrassed as he was, he could not bring himself to stop staring at the girl. The lady smiled, knowingly, remembering a much younger time.

Karen followed my eyes and saw the girl walking down the steps from their front door, (couldn’t be their front door as they were all in the garden in the back of the house. Most people, unless they are "hillbillies" don’t hold parties in their front yard.) then turned back and smiled knowingly at me.

I suddenly came back to reality; blushing slightly from the look Karen had given me. The girl, however, didn't seem to have noticed, which was a bit of a relief to me.

Jeff was relieved when he realized the young girl had not seen him gaping at her.

“I see that you noticed Jennifer”, Karen said. Quote marks when somebody is speaking

“Uhh, yeah!”

“Do you think she is pretty?” Karen teased.

“God yes!” he said a blush on his face.

She's pretty, eh, (the word “eh” is reserved only for old sea captains and old cowboys) Karen teased, knowing very well that I would have just dropped the subject as quickly as possible if I were to choose.

This is as far as I could go with my time constraints. If you believe any of my comments have been in anyway helpful, and you would like some additional constructive criticism, you have my e-mail address. Good Luck.

Jeff your story was really interesting i enjoyed reading it keep up the good work

And they have yet to have their second date. Meanwhile protagonist has been taking remedial grammar lessons. Hope springs eternal!