How Much Do You Love Me

The judge granted their request but stated for the record that if Bill would not agree on a therapist in a timely manner that she would then assign the therapist without conditions and Bill would have to pay for the 12 sessions. Bill nodded his agreement. So the search as on. Susan was encouraged that Bill might be amenable to get back together if he wanted more sessions than she had requested. Her attorney had actually briefed her before the hearing that Bill might refuse counseling or demand fewer sessions.

Within a week both Susan and Bill had interviewed a number of therapists and also had checked with other divorced people for their recommendations. When the lawyers cross-checked the list they found a couple of therapists that were on both lists. Bill was still refusing to talk directly to Susan. All of their correspondence was filtered through their respective attorneys.

Susan was back at work and weathering the gossip. Both Lisa and Tray had been summarily fired and escorted to the front door by security. A new head of that division was promoted and the tongue-waggers were relating that she was a bear for sticking to policy. There was to be no excuse or second chance while the company tried to regain its reputation. The gossipers also related that a number of clients had been told to take their business elsewhere unless new representatives were appointed.

Susan just nodded her head, kept quiet and performed her job functions as best as she could. She had finally moved back to her home. With re-arranging of some furniture it was easier to look over the fact that Bill's stuff was not there anymore. It was still a cold and lonely domicile though.

Susan was looking forward to the counseling sessions if only to have the chance to talk to Bill again. She had to make him believe that she regretted her mistake and how much it had harmed them. It was her sincere desire to regain her relationship with Bill.

Then came the first session. The therapist, June Wilson, was a mature woman of about 50 years of age. She had been an active therapist along with a career of teaching at the local university. While she had never been published she had the trust and admiration of many of her fellow counselors in marriage matters. She had a no nonsense approach to problems that many men embraced even if they themselves had been the person doing the wrong things.

Susan was first at the session in her haste to try and mend things with Bill. Her husband was right on time. Both sat across from each other and filled in a questionnaire about their home life, personal history and specific events that had led them to June, as she wanted to be called instead of Dr. Wilson.

Then came that uncomfortable meeting. The estranged couple sat a few feet apart and waited for June to peruse their questionnaires. Then she put them down and started to ask questions to fill in the gaps. She started with family histories.

Susan was first to answer. "I was born near here and raised by my birth parents. So many of my friends came from broken and rebuilt or blended homes and I was never in that position of having to visit my dad on the alternate weekend or wonder who I was going to be with on a holiday. Dad and Mom both have good jobs and we took vacations every year. I got a car when I turned 16 and I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, Frank, on Prom night. We dated another year before breaking up.

I attended college here and graduated with a bachelor's in business administration. I work for Total Corporation as a junior executive. I have been there almost 10 years. About seven years ago I met Bill at a party. We hit it off and started to date. I was fairly serious about another man when I met Bill but broke it off almost immediately. I found that I liked Bill more than I had ever liked another man even though we had just met. We dated for quite a while before getting sexual but it was worth it. We clicked, at least I think so, on every level. We got married and settle down. We had our families and a few close friends and each other. We didn't need anything else. Actually we were planning on me getting pregnant very soon before it all fell apart. Now we are here." Susan stopped and it was apparent that this was all from her at this point.

June nodded and asked a few questions about her childhood but did not ask about any events that led the couple to her office.

Then she turned to Bill. "Please, Bill, if you would, I want to hear about your childhood and growing up and then meeting with Susan."

"I guess my childhood was a little like Susan's. I come from a stable two parent family also but, instead of being an only child like Susan, I have two brothers and two sisters. I am not the oldest nor am I the youngest or even the middle child. I am just one of a passel of kids from a loving and stable environment. Both of my folks work and work hard but I suppose money was always tight trying to feed a family of seven. There were a lot of things that we all wanted for ourselves but we didn't get. We learned to live with each other and to compromise a lot. All, in all, It wasn't bad and really, thinking about it, actually very good. My brothers and one of my sisters have moved to other states so we don't see each other as often as I would like.

When we were all young the guess the folks couldn't afford big travelling vacations each year so we went tent camping and fishing a lot. There were a lot of skills to master to do that. It made scouting a little easier, I will tell you." He stopped and smiled at the hundreds of memories that were crowding through his mind.

"I guess we could spend hours just talking about the shenanigans that we all used to get into, all of us, not just my brothers and me. My sisters were both tomboys and could roughhouse as good as us boys. They were good shots too. I forgot to mention that we all hunted for deer and pheasant in season to help with the meat situation. While venison isn't my favorite meat it helped out the budget tremendously and kept us outside a lot."

He paused to catch his breath. "In high school I wanted to take all of the technical classes that I could. I got by in the required classes and barely passed Spanish but it helped me get into college. I participated in sports but I wasn't a first string player in any sport.

When it came to dating I was pretty shy. You wouldn't think so with so many siblings but I was shy. I had the occasional date after getting my driver's license but nothing ever lasted long. It wasn't until I got to college that I had my first serious girlfriend. Her name was Rita. She was a nerd, like me. We were both engineering students and studied together all the time. One time after a marathon study session for finals we were exhausted. We fell into bed together and slept about 10 hours. When we woke we were horny, I suppose that we rubbed against each other while we slept. We tore each other's clothes off enough for penetration and went at it. It was amazing, just like all of the books on sex said it could be. We were in lust enough and lonely together enough to then date for the rest of college and have sex whenever we could.

Then came graduation and I took a job here in town but Rita accepted a job on the coast and was gone a few days after graduation. She wasn't a local girl anyhow so there was no family to hold her. I missed her a lot but realized that I missed the sex and study companion more than the person. I had loved her but wasn't in love with her.

I then dated occasionally again while trying to find the one person I wanted to be with. Yes, there was sex at times but the relationships never lasted more than six to eight months before each of us would realize that the depth of feeling just wasn't there.

Then came that party where I met Susan. I was there just to humor a friend, kind of a wingman type of thing. I wasn't looking for anyone to date but I saw Susan across the room and I just needed to get to meet her. Somehow I fumbled my way into talking to her and we clicked just like she said. We started dating each other and I knew she was the one, the only one for me. We dated a long time before getting engaged. I guess my engineering mind wanted to be logical and absolutely sure about us before committing to a lifelong relationship. I never regretted that decision until recently when Susan's job became more important than us."

June made a note and then looked up. "How has the job that Susan has worked at since before you even met her suddenly become a problem?"

Bill waved at Susan. "I think she should tell you her version first."

June looked to Susan and gave her a quizzical look. Susan blushed before stammering out the rest of her story. "I was approached by my boss and a co-worker about taking on a new position of Special Envoy to assist Tray, my boss, to help increase sales. It was supposed to be an occasional sales trip and even more rare local job to elicit sales. Jill, the previous envoy, was also trying to convince me how this could work and even help my marriage." She stopped and looked to Bill for help in her confession. The dark look on his face let her know that he wasn't about to let her off.

She gulped and continued. "The Special Envoy position was to be a sex partner with whomever Tray directed to 'seal the deal' so to speak. Lisa was even supposed to teach me how to make love with a woman so I would be more versatile. They tried to convince me to lie to Bill and keep him in the dark about my new job functions but I decided to talk with Bill and get his agreement to allow me to do this as I fully bought into the idea that it would advance my career and, at the same time, bring new life to our sexual home life."

She paused and looked at Bill again. The look on his face hadn't changed. She took a deep breath and continued. "I started the conversation that Friday night by asking him how much he loved me. After he told me that he would give his life to protect me from harm or give me a kidney or part of his liver to keep me alive I believed that he would eventually agree that my new job would be good for us. I even asked for his approval and I thought I had it but now I realize that he told me to do what I thought was right and I went ahead and did what was wrong.

The very next day I pampered myself as I was to meet my boss and some clients in a hotel downtown. I was feeling great and looking forward to having sex with these men. I even had fantasies of coming home to Bill and letting him have my rear opening as we had never done that before. I totally misread his feelings and didn't realize that he had already made plans to leave me that day."

She stopped for a moment and looked down at her hands. The tissue that she had been using to wipe her tears was shredded and making a mess in her lap. She took the time to dispose of the fragments before continuing. "When I got to the hotel I found that there weren't just a few clients, there were men and women there. They were older and out of shape. They smelled and tasted horrible. I was raped over and over by the men and women. I was treated like a cheap whore. I was even left alone, naked and cold on the floor when they were done. When I woke the next morning I was so sore in all my openings. I realized then what my boss thought about me and what the clients thought about me. I was just a whore. I had no value, I was just a piece of meat to be used and discarded. There was no sexual high or satisfaction for someone like me. I got up when the housekeeper started to clean the room and went home with just a coat as my clothes had been destroyed by those cretins."

She cried for a while. Even Bill, who had hardened his heart against her, was tempted to move closer and comfort her as he had not known about what had actually happened to her that night. He had not had any contact directly with her since. For all he knew, she had greatly enjoyed her first outing as a whore for the company. He was sorry and at the same time not sorry for what had happened to her. If only she had foreseen what her actions would do.

Susan blew her nose and dried her eyes. She looked at Bill and was glad to see that his features had softened a little. She then looked to June. Their therapist was careful to keep her countenance as neutral as possible. She wanted more information and any change in facial expression or body language could stop or change the recital of events. She indicated for Susan to go on.

"I went home, like I said, and was happy that Bill's car was still in the garage. When I went inside I soon realized that he was gone. His favorite chair, his clothing, his mug, his shaving gear, and his tools were all gone. He had left me. I tried to call him but he never answered. I tried texting but he never answered those either.

I called my mother and asked if she had heard anything from Bill. She blamed Bill for the whole thing even after I explained what I had done. She still believes this is all Bill's fault." She looked at her husband in an apologetic way. He shrugged his shoulders since this was not new news. Her parents had never warmed to him for some reason.

"I took off work the next day, partially because I was in so much pain from my rape and partially so that I would be there when Bill came for his car. He cancelled his lease and had someone from the dealership retrieve his car. My mother was there when he came to get it. I know she was hoping it was Bill so she could rake him over the coals but even she was thwarted. Bill's parents would talk to me but couldn't tell me where he was as they didn't know. I tried his work but they told me that their policy was to not get involved in any domestic case and that I would have to see him outside of work. I was served with divorce papers that afternoon. We had a hearing on that Friday and here we are."

She took another deep breath as she finished. The last had come out in a rush of emotion. She looked at Bill. "I can't say this enough, Sweetheart, but I am so sorry that I did this to you and to us. I don't even know why I thought it would be a good idea at any time. I was fully aware of what I was doing but I somehow got the feeling that this could be good for us. I would do this for a few years then concentrate on having your kids. I fucked it all up."

She got up and left the room. There had to be somewhere, a bathroom, something where she could just sit and bawl for a while before going home to that cold and lifeless house she occupied.

After she left June and Bill sat and stared at each other for a short while. Bill couldn't read her body language to see if she was wanting him to chase down his wife. Bill wasn't going to. He loved Susan but she had hurt him and their relationship to the point he couldn't see living with her again. What if she got another hare-brained idea about making their sex life better and tried it? What if suddenly she decided to go out and pick up some guy so they could have a threesome? Or worse yet, pick up some muscle dude to come and try to dominate Bill while fucking Susan? No scenario played well in his mind.

He said as much to June. He decided to describe his thoughts and fears to her. She countered with a query, "Has Susan ever acted like this before this incident? Has she ever had a fantasy about multiple partners, even women partners? Has she ever made any comment that would suggest that she would like to see you humiliated or dominated in any way? What are her fantasies as she masturbates?"

Bill had to answer no to the first three questions but the one about Susan's fantasies he had to stop, think a bit and then shrug his shoulders. He didn't even know if Susan masturbated at any time since meeting him. He assumed so but didn't really know as that was a private activity in his mind. He certainly didn't masturbate in front of Susan.

June indicated that their time was up for the first session. She gave Bill some homework to do concerning his thoughts and feelings on that pivotal weekend. She assured him that Susan would be given the same homework even though she had already stated her case about how she felt during this whole debacle. June did tell Bill that she was intending to delve more into why Susan had thought this was a good idea to start with. He nodded his approval and got up and left.

Work continued. Bill was offered a settlement by Susan's company for his alienation of affection lawsuit. He accepted and directed his attorney to send the money anonymously to various local and regional agencies tasked with helping victims of spouse abuse and neglect. He also helped fund a local law firm that specialized in spouse abuse and neglect cases as many of their clients were too poor to afford decent representation in their fight for justice.

Susan was content in her new position. There had been very little gossiping about her part in the fiasco that had Tray Munson and Lisa Tennet lose their job over. She attributed it to the newness of the position for her. She was still lonely when she went home but was hoping the therapy sessions were bringing her and Bill closer together again.

June had changed some of the couple's sessions into private sessions with Susan primarily. She was making progress in helping Susan understand her motivations in taking the job of Special Envoy and then, instead of the usual hiding the activity, actually trying to get Bill to agree to the extra-marital sex. Susan was forced to admit that being an only child made her feel privileged and that she had brought that mindset into her marriage. She had actually subconsciously felt that whatever she decided that Bill would automatically go along with her. They were so compatible otherwise she had never had a real disagreement or even had to discuss serious subjects before. At least she understood the damage she had caused because of her behavior and what the consequences were likely to be. She still hoped that divorce could be averted.

Bill also had some private sessions with June. He fleshed out his reasons for his behavior and his expectations of a marriage. While not unconventional June did point out that he and Susan had never actually sat down and fully communicated with each other about their goals, wants and needs. Again their natural compatibility had worked against this communication. Both had thought that the other was on the exact same page concerning their lives together.

June also explored Susan's parents' antagonism with Bill. While they were not patients of her, they did play a part in this event. The fact that Susan's mother still blamed Bill for Susan's behavior was concerning. In the future, whatever that may be, Denise's constant fault finding was going to be a continuous sore for Susan to deal with.

Bill took Susan out on a few dates to see if they could build a relationship again. The dates went well, whether they just went to supper, out to dance or caught a movie but when the evening was over Susan could not get Bill to come home, go to a motel or even back to his apartment for sex. He just didn't seem interested.

During their final session together Susan brought the lack of true affection and sex up in front of June. June then asked Bill his feelings and he was blunt. "Since that Friday night when she told me that she was going to do this and that the next day was already planned and she had every intention of going through with it, I have had no sexual feelings toward her. She might as well be one of my sisters. I have no interest in reviving or even trying to revive that aspect of our relationship. As a matter of fact, if you don't have any more questions of me, I am done here. I have attended these sessions to try and understand why Susan felt she could do this. I think you have done an admirable job delving into her reasons and will continue to help her. I, though, am done. I have accepted a transfer to another facility and will be moving in the next few weeks."