All Comments on 'How to Appreciate a Man'

Although men and women are very different we also share many similarities. Appreciation (amongst other positive aspects) is extremely important to both sexes. I, as a woman, need to feel appreciated but recognise that men do too! SK, as you rightly point out, life can intervene and we don't always think clearly. However (as stated), we can't expect to turn around a situation unless we are prepared to take responsibility and act to make things better! I enjoy your writing, thank you for your work.

I am very impressed with your insight. Many women never get to this point and end up having bad relationship after bad relationship. It's great that someone finally understands that most guys, like myself, just want a little appreciation from our significant others. Well Done!

This should actually be an article about how to appreciate people in general. Women also like to be validated and thanked for the things they do. It's not a gender thing but a human thing. Just appreciate the people in your life and it's all good.

I wish I'd met someone like you!

Your statements about husbands, are more true than any Gary Smalley or whatever marriage counselors. The only thing i might say that bears reminding is the old joke- A woman marries a man, thinking she will change him, but she don't. A man marries a woman thinking she won't change, but she does. I've heard it before. "But he's not the same man I married." She isn't looking in the mirror.

I'm a married man. I think you make good wife and good counselor to women in general. Good article. You article speaks that which is hidden in me. Great!

If my wife had read this and taken it to heart - I wouldn't be divorcing her after 20+ years. The silent treatment stops working when the audience has left the building!

Except the part about the "My magnificent man.." line not being too corny. I think I would start laughing if my girlfriend said that to me.

It's shocking to me how few women seem to understand the power of their words, especially when used AGAINST their husbands or boyfriends. If we could just do what Selena has outlined here, and remember to praise and never criticize them in public (flirting and teasing are different, of course), it would be astounding the number of relationships that would be improved.

I've always thought that a woman's greatest gift is often her ability to be a soft place for her man to turn to when things are tough. When he feels shaky, what he needs to feel is, "I see you. I support you. I admire you. I love you."

It's amazing how much of that love and support he will return when he's given the opportunity to do so. Thank you, Selena, for this excellent reminder of our power as women.

My wife of 42 years could have written this. So true and she had it all before you wrote this. Regardless I still loved your essay and would like it to be mandatory reading to all brides. Of course there should be the same mandatory reading for all grooms. Best wishes. Jim in Ab.

At first, I read this essay out of idle curiosity. However, speaking as a guy, I can't find a single thing I disagree with. It's amazing just how much insight this article can provide, with accuracy I've never been able to express. Especially the part about guys doing things for women, the simple thanks means a lot as long as it's honest.

Many girls I've met do not seem to understand why guys do that. Or, won't let them even take care of the simple stuff such as carrying groceries, opening doors, the list goes on. In which case, it's strange because while that independance is respectable, it's fundamental ( in my opinion ) to the nature of the man to express respect in the way of taking action.

Anyways, Selena_Kitt and anyone else, I hope you're reading this and some of the other posts confirming your essays accuracy.

This sounds wonderful.

<-- a man.

This piece really struck a chord with me. Not really the nitty-gritty stuff about gender roles and what not (personally, I couldn't fix a dishwasher to save my life and I'm not ashamed to admit it) but the areas where you talk about the negative male stereotypes that are quite prevalent in American pop culture. Not that there are any more negative male stereotypes than there are negative female stereotypes, they just tend to be trivialized.

As a man, I don't particularly like being portrayed as idiotic, insensitive bastard with only one thing on my mind. That isn't me, and that isn't any of my close associates. One reason WHY men are often insensitive is not because we don't care, but BECAUSE of these stereotypes of masculinity, like the only strong man is an emotionally distant one. It's actually a cruel fate, when you feel like you have to be emotionally distant just to keep a girl interested. This is not how gender relations should work, but it is how they are often portrayed. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a comedian say that men don't have deep feelings, or that they never want to talk about them. BULLSHIT. Any guy who actually thinks this is either in denial, a genuinely shallow person. The truth is an inability to articulate one's feelings is a horrible DEFICIENCY when it comes to forming any sort of healthy, long term relationship, and thus you can see how damaging these stereotypes can be, especially to those men who buy into them.

Anyway, I want to say thank you for being a woman who doesn't vilify men. You rely too much on positive male stereotypes for my taste (any stereotype is by definition a distortion of the truth), but with all the negativity that gets thrown around about men on a day to day basis it's a nice change of pace.

This article is a real Gem.

Problem today is many girls leave home spoiled rotten, they make demands as if they were entitled to the world evolving around them and couldn't issue a "thank you" if there life depended on it. Its just not funny anymore.

Just amazing. Of course, it goes for men too. Appreciation from both sides seems to be all that's needed to make a happy marriage. It really says something about our modern culture if so many marriages fail because people can't do that much.

People reading this page may also like chapter seven of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" (removed in new editions). In summery:

1. Don't nag.

2. Don't try to make your partner over.

3. Don't criticize.

4. Give honest appreciation.

5. Pay little attentions.

6. Be courteous.

7. Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.

I met a woman who said:

I don't need people to thank me for every little thing. Why should I have to?

Sigh

I have just come out of a 10 year marriage - she ended it. She said she felt unappreciated and yet I tried to do everything she asked.

I even asked her what she wanted ("nothing" was the response). At no time did I ever get a "thank you" or even a smile when I did washing up or cook (most nights after a full day at work). She just went to watch TV.

I think that this such a wonderful piece and I'd say that everyone (male and female) should read this or similar during their initial time in a relationship.

So insightful. It's like you are a fly on the wall watching the destruction of my marriage.

I started to read this story thinking it would either be humorous or possibly tongue-in-cheek. It was neither. More to the point, the thoughts and ideas you've placed into words go to the heart of 'man' more than some would admit, more than some would know precisely to put into words, and others have wondered where all these thoughts have been in their relationships.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge. Also, your writing is very direct and well done too. I didn't see any mistakes in grammar or spelling/punctuation. Of course the subject matter and how it is presented drew my attentions to the ideas rather than the form.

It's good to know that my initial instincts weren't wrong with my boyfriend! I used to think that it was slightly strange, the way I'd fawn over him and smother him in love and appreciation for all he does, even when it's something small. I though maybe I was going overboard with it, that I might need to be a little stiffer, but now I see that isn't the case.

This is what keeps men, not the garbage that the Cosmopolitan spits out. I think far too many women forget this in light of the fact that "all men want is sex". Been there, done that, wrecked a dozen relationships taking Cosmo's advice for fact. Sometimes men forget, too. I haven't always been a ball of love and affection, but I have always been generous with my appreciation with my exes. They just... never caught on, so I left.

I'll be linking all of my girlfriends to this article when they have relationship troubles! I think it would do them a world of good.

This is a nice article. This would work in marriages where both partners are appreciative of each other. In some other marriages like those where the woman has to do all the work to keep it together, the men just take and take without ever giving anything back. The woman thanks the man for what he does but does he thank his wife for what she does? No.

Selena my dear, you are absolutely correct. I've been there, seen that - and you have gotten ALL of it right. For girls who are curious; it's true. I'm a rather masculine Gen Y, but love being appreciated and pleasing HER.

Now, the hard part - how do I tell her this? :P

You've really captured what guys are looking for.

I was raised by a Grandmother who believed that male and female were created that way for a reason. They each were two sides of a coin. She used to say take a quarter. Whole, it's worth 25 cents. Now split it so there's a front half and a back half. Now it is worthless. I'm a man who very much appreciates his Grandmother's teachings. Because of them, I'm neither misogynistic nor misandric. I believe in the value of both sexes. However, until I read this essay I thought that the last woman on earth who believed in the value of men had died when she did. The only thing my ex wife seemed to value was the huge insurance policy she secretly had on me. I'm incredibly relieved to find that my Grandmother's spirit is still alive in the world.

Well put! So hard trying to explain that to a few women I know. It's so simple and if it's not working well then it's a lack of compatibility. I love telling my man when I appreciate the things he does and seeing the pride it gives him. So simple, respect.

Thank you, when I figure out how to share this I will. :)

Thank you for penning this insight. As a man, I vouch for everything you said. My greatest pleasure IS in giving my wife pleasure; and I thrill like the arch of a cat's back when she appreciates little things I do. And, you're right again, a little appreciation garners more attempts by me to do more things for which to be appreciated. I hope to share this with her.

I have to take my hat off to you! This is perfectly correct on every point! As a male I can truthfully say this is one of the best and most accurate bits of advice for the female gender. Nothing warms my heart like knowing my women is happy! A women knowing what she wants and having the ability to truly express it goes a long long way in my book as long as she is honestly happy when I give it to her. And yes girls we do know if you are faking it most of the time.

What a perfect definition of how to bring out all you want from your man.

Balance, reality checks on manipulation, close-up look at destructive attitudes.

If you really want to keep your guy. Pay close heed!

This should be required reading for every lady, for every age. Every man is different; different likes and dislikes, different preferences in taste in women...but look at our cores and every man has a group of common characteristics. Men want to feel as if we are an integral part of the "couple", whether married or not. We want to help. As complex as women think we are, I disagree. Appreciate us as men and we will travel to the ends of the earth to see the smile on your face, the feel of your hand in ours as we walk in the mall. Also remember, daughters learn to treat their husbands based upon watching their mothers treat their fathers.

Holy fuck, where is to 10* button?!

An excellent and very true article.

Nail on the head. I thought it was just me, I wasn't aware we were all like that.

As far as I'm concerned, you are 1000% right.

My wife is recovering from two bad cancers, the last requiring surgeries that have taken away her (therefore our) ability for intercourse.

We both turned 50 this year and it's been 12 years since we were intimate.

You are right - what I miss the most of everything is my being able to give her pleasure. We were really great in bed together!

That is a really sad reality for me.

I'm not even a fourth of the way through this yet and I'm already screaming, "This is so right on!!!! Yes, all the agreement!!!!!!!!" Especially about the gender-neutral environment and the removal of ways with which to attract each other. I'll comment more after I finish reading, but in case I finish reading, forget everything except taking your advice here and blessing my husband with every good thing, then know that this girl agrees with you wholeheartedly. You go, girl!!!!

So in other words it seems the way to appreciate a guy is thanking them for every little thing they do as if it's some big accomplishment. Amusingly when most likely the guy doesn't do the same thing.

I'm really doubting if the way the gals you know talk about guys is so demeaning and castrating as it seems to you pointing out a fault is being demeaning.

I doubt that guys would enjoy hearing what a gal wants unless it's what he wants as well considering how often a gal saying what she wants is regarded as nagging.

This is so very true! How I love the difference between men and women and mourn feminist attempts to annihilate masculine behavior in men. They are brow beaten and shamed into repressing their natural, instinctual behaviors to accommodate the absurd notion of "gender neutral" and current societies attempts to equalize the sexes. Men and women are not equal and we never will be. And thank God for that! We are different not just physically but psychologically and emotionally. These differences need to be appreciated and celebrated, not stifled.

Honestly some women treat their friends and even casual acquaintances better then they treat their life partners! At one time, I'm sorry to say, I was one of them. One day I realized just what a great guy I am married to and that, to date, had not been truly appreciating him not just as a human being but as a man and my mate. Learning to appreciate him as he is and sincerely say "thank you" has made the biggest difference in our marriage, in his self-esteem and our happiness. I am not a doormat by any means and that man would walk through fire for me. And I for him. We just celebrated our 23rd anniversary.

This article moved me to tears. It articulates what I needed from my marriage better than I ever could. Perhaps had I seen it a year ago (or more) then maybe my marriage could have been saved.

Appreciation... unconditional appreciation... was something my wife was good at very early in our relationship, but over a very short time it changed into the "thanks, but..." scenario and later still into out-ant-out criticism. Criticism (especially constant criticism) is a sure-fire way to make a man feel unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved.

Anyway, thank you Selena for sharing your insights.

Your insights are absolutely spot on. You could have co-written Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." This book and your article here should be required reading for all women! I actually asked my wife to read this book, but apparently it wasn't worth her time. Maybe my next wife will!

Im a 22 year old husband and dady and I have to say u ha e a really good advice now my wife and I havent been so good lately I would never cheat but feel like im getting no ware this may just halp me

God, what a damned relief to read this. There is a reason we are different - we're designed to complement, not to compete, not to not need each other - and you've expressed that beautifully here. Is it any wonder men are throwing their hands in the air and giving up on trying to be themselves? Searching for things that don't make them any happier or more fulfilled than the women who've forced them into such a position? Brava, well done, thank you for taking the time and the thought to write this piece, because by golly gee whizz it needs to be said - needs to be SHOUTED FROM THE ROOFTOPS!

Oh my God, YES!!! This is so spot on, it's painful!

Just wow. This man feels better knowing you thought about us and wrote it down. Wow.

This is fantastic!

I loved your thesis and I loved reading it

Awesome analysis, wish I could share this article with my wife... If I do, there will be a "but"...

I realise this will sound negative, but it needs to be said.

Man-hating users like OroroStorm and others who enjoy fucking themselves over: go ahead. Just don't complain when you die with your cats.

Women should be given the same kind of appreciation. That does not mean women should do what they do: give us no breathing space while they break down their doors and constantly demanding how pretty they are, how their new dress looks, how they took off 1/8 inches of their hair, how gooooood their field trip was, and how all men should shut up and listen when women talk for months altogether.

If you cannot extend the exact same courtesies to men YOU expect, no man will stick around with you. Keep whining. Selena and other like-minded readers have got it right. I don't think you have to say thank you for every single thing your partner does, but never take it for granted, or they can and will find someone who appreciates them at the right times.

If you want to believe the worst about men while ignoring women who traffick children (see UN data), rapes by women, and SH by women which even happens in India where I live, you're deluded and closed-minded. Men and women can be good or bad, usually in different ways, but they're both capable of wrecking and building worlds. Any person with half a brain can look at this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt1ZFZrbDJw and see that most crime rates, even sexual assault, are similar. Just because most men are CONVICTS doesn't mean more men are criminals. See the stats on sentencing: women just get off easier for you-know-what reason.

If OroroStorm or others like her see this and get their feminist arses on fire: GOOD. I won't be back to see the bullshit they cook up. I've already grown sick and tired of how men are portrayed everywhere and expected to do certain things because they're male, like sink on the Titanic. If modern women are so strong, independent and don't need us, why are they so desperate to define our masculinity as they please? Why do they still expect us to be tools? We're not, thanks. We define masculinity like you define the feminine. American men: you're not alone.

Sorry for spitting so much negativity on your essay, Selena. Please don't get this wrong: I understand women like you exist and I really appreciate your essay, as well as the comments by sensible women. I was on Google+ and Facebook for online activism about male awareness of themselves (but left later). Most men I see are now too scared to even be themselves and believe that they don't deserve anything. They're lost and unable to help themselves. The nastiness men face on public platforms is usually overlooked and seen in bits and pieces may not look like much. If you ADD up all the crap said about men over 50 years of femcuntism, you may notice why men seem angry and refuse to be 'masculine'.

to find so many affirmative feedback on how men don't get appreciated, and women became so out of touch with their emotional strength they can't figure out men's basic emotional & communication needs. certainly many men & women witnessed this over the years.

what those women Selena described don't know is, the more their way to treat men get enforced (they call it "gender inequality" fight), the stronger backlash effects it will create. they dedicated a lot of their time & emotions to help gender gap bigger instead of achieving much needed balance and relationships.

it's ironic isn't it

As a man, I want to say that I want an equal. If my wife thought of me this way I would be insulted. I'm not a dog looking to be "appreciated." If I took care of the baby and forgot to change his diaper, I don't want her saying, "Thanks!" and biting back the "but you forgot to change his diaper." Otherwise, I would keep forgetting. Appreciation should: 1) go both ways (eg: I thank her for stuff too); 2) go hand in hand with respect (none of this "it's like putting money in the bank and taking it right out again" crap; and 3) not be gendered. jesus god. a woman is "built for pleasure" and a man "craves her enjoyment"? Sure. then switch the woman/man in that statement. STILL TRUE.

As a former escort 12 years, I heard many complaints of unappreciated men. Imho you hit 'what men want' on the head. It goes without saying, if a man (or woman) is disrespected and unappreciated he/she is not feeling connected (or attracted) to his partner. Being unappreciated is to ignore or take for granted what is done for you, because of you, or your relationship. Fact, men feel used, immascullinised, and unsafe to open himself up sexuality and emotionally with his S/O.

Selena's example of "but" is clearly appropriate because it is a jab. Whereas, asking if the babies nappy is changed is without attitude. Depending on your tone of course and add "darling". If texting, put a smiley face, at least.

In support of this article, I believe reciprocation is key as well. Genuine kindness, affection, tenderness, caring, and acceptance IS what most men crave. Noticing his efforts show him you are happy, and he is happiest when his partner is happy bc of him. When she is his soft place to land (emotionally) and HE feels free to explore and experience his sexuality with her, he won't be chasing escorts to stay married to you.

Really, I am not supposed to be so blatant here, but as I have come this far, If and only if he feels connected intimately and is respected and appreciated, he will pretty much regret being in the relationship to some extent. Thoughts of sex with other women creep in.

What to do? It isn't all that hard to be good in bed and be a kind, loving partner. Just Google erotic massage, best hand job & blow job etc, whilst he's unaware, and surprise him night after night. Desire him, enjoy him, recieve him, surrender to him, and YOU will be his every fantasy. Looking after your figure will lock it in. Why? Because it is you he wants, you, he's with. Don't take your man for granted. You'll reap what you sow.

I haven't been an escort 25 years now, and would like to add honesty to this great relationship advice of what men want. Honesty. I have told my partner the whole truth about me because I believe an unhealthy dynamic occurs when ppl keep dark secrets, of regret, shame, things that define you or keep you from being connected in your relationship. At least, in my experience. In acceptance is a feeling of being accepted just as you are, with all your flaws, and not being traded for another, ever. Work is what it is, to be a better person. Do any of us say, I want to be a better person when I grow up? I don't reckon so. Your partner may not speak up when you take him for granted.

This articles advice is a gem, word for word, and probably serendipitous that you/we found it.

Well said, Selena. Hope you agree with some of my two cents. ;-)

Women should read this. I get that its a two way street and all that, but so many women really dont get it.. At all..

As someone in a bad marriage, i agree with what you said. I hope your husband treats you as well if not better than the way you treat him.

This is by far,the best article ever written by a woman who understands men. We men will do anything to bring out the pleasure of the woman we're with and from our end, tge more authentically genuine it is, the more pleasure it gives us.

Make no mistake, we make mistakes and to use the word BUT when we thought we had done it all right, does the complete opposite the next time we need to do that task again. Rather play with us, and on the way out to take the trash out, spank our butts and tell us not remember to close the door. I promise, a spanked ass will follow us all the way back to the closed door behind us.

And when it comes to passion between the sheets, we, like you, are aroused by the neurons firing off in your brain, if only we could hear them. So tell us what you want, otherwise we're just guessing based on what we see in movies or hear others say they do. Nothing arouses me more than giving you the pleasue you desire.

The returns will be immense.

Thank you, whoever you are for writing this. I will post it to social media.

This is frighteningly true.. How does she know all this?

This is truth. All men would ultimately lay down their lives for what you describe. All other pursuits are a means to this end. You are brilliant and beautiful.

Ok, who told, and why don't all women figure this out?

Genius writing. 100% accurate!

I will be sharing this right before Father’s Day.

As a gentleman who has been married 26 years, I can respect the guts it took to write this to everyone. You nailed it. We are not complicated, but we are human just like you ladies....namaste.

I was familiar with Selena Kitt's stories before recently finding Literotica, but have now found that, on top of being a great fan of her story-telling, I am equally impressed with the thought and organization she puts into her advice on this site. Her generosity with the information she shares, as well as the extent and relevance of her subject matter, makes for rewarding reading, and has me broadening some of my horizons. Great stuff, much appreciated.

First of all, the appropriate THANK YOU!

It is certainly true for me.

But when a piece of that puzzle is missing in the woman, it leaves you wanting to be loyal to your vows and the years invested, but alternately wanting Selina_Kitt to box up a dozen of those women, and ship them overnight. And it can help you write stories on Literotica as an outlet for the emotions you do not get to use at home.

I haven't read the other comments. I'm sure I'm repeating, but I sure as hell wish I had found a woman with your understanding. Dang.

This is absolutely accurate me as a man.

I sure hope I meet more women who truly understand what you wrote here.

Thanks

Tim

I love this article

I simply canNOT wait to put these principles onto action

Thank you for spelling it out for me

This really puts the lie to the whole narrative about toxic masculinity and the feminist strategy of withholding sex for favors. A French woman in my acquaintance told me that some European women have a little game they play. When they see an unappreciated man, they appreciate him—then appreciate whatever comes of it. She said they usually target American men.

I'm amazed at how you were so on point. You have a genuine vision of how most men tick, the good ones anyway. Anyone that says they knows themself, irrespective of gender, let alone anybody else, is clearly delusional or under 90. That's what makes you a great writer - real character development from great emotional insight.

This is what should be taught in schools preach in Churches. I find this works for women as well.

GREAT!!! An older woman taught me those very same things in reverse. That I would enjoy women and sex much more if I understood those things. How much more I would benefit if I kept them in mind. To be aggressively male, but always appreciative. I quickly found how much more I enjoyed pleasing a woman more than I might if she did appreciate it. Those who did not were really not worth continuing with no matter how physically attractive. So my policy became if I did not genuinely "LIKE" the person then it was not worth the effort to give her all the pleasure I could. But if I did I delighted in her response and her pleasure. One of the first things she taught me was that a gentleman ALWAYS makes sure that the lady no only goes first, but assures that a Lady cums first. That was a surprise for a 16-year-old boy.

Funny, but she taught me that making love with a lady was like preparing a gourmet breakfast for her. It was the prep work before the cooking that decided how much she would enjoy it. So I learned a little about cooking as well as making love. :-) But that if she was really hungry a burger and fries was what she needed and the care could be shown as if it were the desert. That how well she was given that desert was usually a good way to have it interpreted as the prep work for something much better after she was fed what she needed rather than what she wanted. Every sixteen-year-old should have an older woman in his life!!!

As a man, TWO WORDS: THANK YOU! Ladies, Read what Selena wrote as many times as needed until you truly understand what she is saying. You'll thank her for it.

Not a woman and probably not gay, but gonna keep this in mind for any partners I have anyways. Obviously what is written here applies to men, but honestly it'd be foolish to say that this isn't just how people tick in general.

I desperately wish my wife would do even a small fraction of this. We've been barely more than roommates for almost all of our marriage and I'll be honest, I've quit doing many of the things I used to do because I don't feel appreciated. I don't feel loved or desired. She openly acts like sex is nothing but a chore so I stopped initiating entirely. I'm not going to chase after a woman who doesn't want me. I'm not going to bend over backwards to do things for a woman who doesn't appreciate my efforts.

It truly is refreshing to hear woman so eloquently describe how the relationship between women and men can be healthy and mutually supportive. In this day when gender neutrality seems to be the popular mode I find it refreshing that there are others like me who enjoy celebrating our differences and learning how we can better help, pleasure and appreciate each other. Thank you Selena for gifting us with the insight of your experience.

This gave me the most amazing feeling. It's like you looked inside my mind or heart and said what I've always tried to say but I just have the proper words.

Thank you!

This advice is on point - gratitude and appreciation are amazing tools for fulfillment for most people! But I’m wondering why you frame this as a diversion between male and female needs…. Women thrive on appreciation too. One of the things I notice that ticks women off the most is when they’re doing a thousand things for their relationship that go unnoticed and unappreciated or undervalued. And actually I think this is what most causes the “empty tank” issue that you referred to… where a woman might find it really tough to be genuinely grateful for a rinsed dish in the sink when she is loading and unloading the dishwasher every day without a whisper of gratitude from her man.

I’m wondering why you say that when it’s hard to give gratitude because your own tank feels empty - you (as a woman) seek self care like taking a bath or a walk. Maybe I’m reading this wrong but why is it your responsibility to fill both his tank and your own? Seems a little unfair. “A woman has everything she needs already”… are you saying women are naturally more self sufficient? “She’s built for pleasure”… are you saying women can give less to the relationship (e.g. not doing chores or earning income) because they are made to receive and that’s why they don’t need as much appreciation? Idk the woman/man thing I just find really confusing in this article which otherwise makes a lot of sense!

I would respond to all the men in the comments who are saying: “I wish women would understand this!” Try these exact same tactics on your woman and see how she responds. I’ll bet that you’ll see her mirroring the love and appreciation back to you <3

First if all, this is 100% accurate and amazing advice. THANK YOU!

It's uplifting that there are still women who have both clarity of mind, wisdom, and insightfulness to understand these things. It's also downright depressing that an overwhelming majority of modern women raised in the toxic femininity swamp of 3d/4th generation of man hating "feminism" would not simply fail to understand this, but would actively reject this advice at best (and hate the author too).

@anon from last comment - yes, all humans appreciate appreciation. And DUH, a man should thank and appreciate his mate. The point of the essay wasn't that he shouldn't appreciate her. It's that WOMEN generally do NOT show appreciation to men, and they should. Think back to Valentine's day. HE sets up the even. Plans everything. Makes reservations. Pays for everything. Buys her expensive present. AND risks being inflicted with unhappy partner if he doesn't plan and execute all this perfectly. THIS IS UNIVERSALLY EXPECTED. He goes all out showing his appreciation of her in this relationship. What does she do? That's right, show up, look pretty FOR OTHER PEOPLE (because let's face it, she wouldn't get specially dolled up if it's only him seeing her, but she just did for going to a restaurant), and if he's lucky "generously" allow slightly better than average sexual experience for him - implying she is withholding good sex for 364 days of the year.

And also yes, men and women ARE on average psychologically different, and find fulfillment in different things. Just using a VERY random example, an average woman strongly dislikes dirtt/disorder, so for her cleaning is an intrinsically motivated thing. She doesn't clean "for him", but for herself. Whereas, an average man, doesn't mind messiness nearly as much, so the reason he cleans is literally to make his mate happy. So while the two *actions* are identical (he cleans/she cleans), the motivations and the rewards are different.

There's also significantly more complicated calculations at a higher level, going into hypergamy and such (e.g. a woman would be more pleasure-giving towards a rare super duper male - to avoid toxic social media discourse let's call him "prince charming" - while expecting far less from him; and THE SAME woman would expect to do far less for - and appreciate far less - to a male mate who is her peer). As an example, if you're still dating, honestly assess whether you would expect a man to pay for your dates, despite you probably making same salary as him, being a modern independent boss girl

I found this article years ago, but I have come back to it many times, and shared it numerous times over the years.

While it is written as advice to women, hard-won wisdom that "Selena" acquired in her personal life, I found that it made sense of numerous things in my own history of relationships with women.

I see comments about how the impact of gratitude is universal and agree that women can also shut down when they don't feel appreciated. However, it's not an "either-or" situation, and Selena is not proposing that women should do this but men should not. In this writing, written for women, she focused like a therapist would, on what her target audience, women, can do - not on what their partners should do.

I particularly like the "approval vs appreciation" distinction. I won't speak for other men, but for me, this was a revelation about the deleterious dynamic in my first marriage and what works for me. I can't count how many times women, semi-jokingly refer to their husbands as another child. There is a tendency for the dynamic to shift into something like the mother-child dynamic, and all the incest fantasies aside, it's usually not good for the relationship. Likewise, she mentions women speaking about men (or to them) with contempt, and while it is true that women don't like contempt either, it is a vicious dagger to men.

Selena's essay nests into the concepts of polarity she discusses in another how-to article: "The Secret of Attraction." It also matches closely what David Deida proposes in "The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire." David Deida posits the idea that every person has both gender "energies" to draw upon, and how men and women can draw upon their feminine energy or their masculine energy as various life and work situations require. He also posits the idea that most people have an inner preference or energy essence - one type where they feel most themselves. They can use both energies if necessary, but there is one or the other that is more rooted in who they are.

I understand him to mean there is a spectrum among people: the degree to which a person most naturally lives in their masculine energy or their feminine energy. Each person has a unique individualized mix of the two which is part of what makes them unique. He allows for a percentage of people who are more "balanced" and also states that a person's essence or preferred energy doesn't always align with their biological gender. He points out that it is common for LGBTQ couples to have this gender energy polarity. He makes it clear that this conceptualization is a rejection of the rigid prescribed roles of the 1950s. It is also a move away from what he calls a middle stage, the cultural shift toward relative androgyny that occurred in the latter 60s and 70s - which some people have become stuck in.

Biologically, the unique blend that is a person's essence energy most likely corresponds to the unique way their brain halves are wired together. Further complicating that is the fact that brain science has learned that each person's brain is relatively "plastic," because the neuro-connections change and re-map over time.

My point in saying all that about gender energies is that one doesn't have to embrace the 1950s rigid gender role idea to acknowledge that a person with a primarily masculine essence might experience gratitude in a way that is different than a person with a primarily feminine essence. It doesn't mean that women won't thrive on gratitude, but it has a different meaning to the feminine, albeit perhaps a subtle difference.

Feminine energy is inclined more toward relationship and connection, life and nurturing, toward expressing inner and outer beauty, and it thrives on masculine attention, acknowledgment, and comprehension. Feminine energy has a fear of relational pain. Masculine energy is inclined toward impact, decisiveness, action, competition, and movement. Masculine energy has a distinct hunger for respect, and the acknowledgment of adequacy, with the other side of that coin being a fear of inadequacy and failure.

Again, men and women draw on both of these energies from within. It's not prescriptive. There's no "should" to which one you should be, or how your balance of the two should live in you. Trying to put words to the nature of these gender energies is difficult, and someone may quibble with me on them. All I can say is these are innately amorphous and overlapping concepts.

So, while it is true that appreciation is also important for someone with a stronger feminine energy, it has a different kind of impact and meaning than it does for someone who has a stronger masculine energy.