How to be a Good Son

There was a general lottery, and as luck would have it, I won one of the spots. OK, a free trip to Hawaii. Jump for joy, yea. The employee trips were for 2 people. See the issue? Right away I was not excited at work, at least not as excited as I should be, and people didn't understand why. Well, who is my and-one? The trips were for after the promotion, in 6 months. So I had 6 months to find someone of the (hopefully) female persuasion willing to spend a week with me in a hotel room in Hawaii. Crap, I can already hear the lecture from mom. On the good side, it's taking my mind off any lingering guilt from Saturday past.

*****

Next night, called home. The usual.

"Hey mom, what's going on this weekend?" It had been a few weeks since I made it home for a visit.

"I'll be here. Usual time?"

"Yep, 7:30. And still no laundry."

"OK, dinner will be ready, love you".

"OK mom, tomorrow. Still love you. bye"

Very short conversation, and no mention of my dating issues? Or Saturday?

*****

Got to mom's at 7:30, on time, and dinner was waiting as usual. I put the beer and wine away and started back to my bedroom.

"Honey, after what happened last time you were here, do you want to just put your stuff in my room?"

OK, I guess we are going to have 'that conversation' earlier than hoped for.

"Yea, I really enjoyed sleeping next to you. Way better than the couch. Of course if you feel weirded out sleeping with your mother, I understand."

OK, THAT last time, much better, all around. If she wants to pretend Saturday never happened, I will too. For as long as it takes.

"Sure mom, and it saves you having to do more bed sheets when I leave. You know how I feel about you doing my laundry."

So this is the new normal. Me and mom sleeping together. But will she want to SLEEP together? I guess we'll see tonight.

Over dinner.

"So mom, how was your week?"

"My week was well my week was, a week I suppose."

An odd response, to be sure, but I was not going to touch it.

"I had a good week. And something happened at work Wednesday. Kinda good, kinda bad."

"What's that honey? Did you get a promotion or something?"

"No, no promotion, but I did win a work trip to Hawaii."

"Wow honey, that's great. Details. And what's the kinda bad?"

"Well, I get to bring an 'and-one'. Have to bring, I should say. What are my chances of finding someone to take? One hotel room. Gotta find a woman comfortable enough with me to spend a week in the same room, same bed probably. With my recent history, the odds are not great."

"Jason, stop that talk. Maybe this is just the encouragement you need to get out there and find 'the one'. How much time do you have?"

" About 6 months, it's the second full week in March next year."

While watching yet another rom com on the couch later, Tracy kept thinking about stuff. Funny how thoughts swirl around.

Second full week in March is during spring break. I would not even have to take off work. But that's crazy talk anyway. Jason is going to find someone to take besides this old fossil. I need to get Karen involved in this. Her and Jason used to be close, she might have some dating advice, or willing friends. Something to help. How would I look in a bathing suit on the beach? Would Jason be ashamed of me? Should I start shaping up, just in case?

On another topic, why am I so insistent on having Jason in my bed? Sleeping with Jason does feel great, intimate is probably the best word. At this point in my life it's about the only thing I truly look forward to, and Jason seems good with it. But he has to understand it's just sleeping. After last Saturday will Jason be content with just sleeping? Will I be? Can we keep playing this game where I pretend I don't know it was him? If push comes to shove, if he grabs my boobs or crotch, I know I'll crumble and he will have me. Incest out of the blue, forced, is one thing, incest planned and approved of is something else. Well, kind of something else. Anyway that's the way I'm looking at it. However, if it came to Hawaii, well, we'll have to see how it goes. Vacations can do tricky things to libidos. Am I playing with fire? Course I am, and don't kid yourself. But sometimes fire can feel warm and cozy.

"OK Jason, I've about had it. Ready for bed?"

"Sure mom, I'll clean up a bit and be in a few minutes."

"God, you really are a 'nice guy'. We'll get that stuff in the morning, just brush your teeth and get in here. I'm getting sleepy."

"Yes mam."

By the time I got back to her bedroom mom was already in bed. I turned off the light and joined her. Now is the time to find out what the new normal was. I didn't want to do something as overt as feeling her up, so I did the tight cuddle from behind move again. And, right on cue, my supporting cast was upright and accounted for.

"Jason, put that thing away or it's back to your room. You know the rules."

OK, so same old same old. Still, I'm sleeping next to a woman I love. Not all bad. And I'm NOT going to force anything, as much as I would like to.

*****

Next week.

"Hi mom."

"Karen, good to hear from you. What's up?"

"Nothing in particular. Harry's playing golf tomorrow and I thought I'd drop by with the kids for a spell."

"Great honey. I wanted to talk to you anyway. I'm a little worried about Jason and was wondering if we could come up with something for him. And any chance to be with the little ones is a great excuse for a visit."

"Ok. I can get there by 1:00. Don't know how much I can help Jason, but we'll see."

"Great, and I'll plan on dinner before you leave. Any requests?"

"Something simple. Should I bring anything? Kind of inviting myself for dinner."

"Just get here, we'll figure something out."

"OK, we'll talk tomorrow. Love you mom."

"Love you too. Give Harry my love too. Later."

*****

Karen arrived on time the next day and the two adults spent an hour playing with the kids. An 11 month old baby girl and a 2 year old boy. You can't really play with a baby, but the boy was doing his best to get into mischief. The whole grand kid reality was new to Tracy, and her house was not exactly child proof yet, so they had to keep a pretty close watch on his antics. Eventually both kids crashed at about the same time and Karen put them to nap in the spare bedroom.

"Should be down for a couple hours, hopefully. I think the drive helped wear them out. So what did you want to talk about?"

"Well, first you, since you're here. How's life going?"

"Hectic. Being a new mom, dealing with daycare, going back to work. It's all a lot. Two kids can really change your life. But I'm loving it. Everything I'd hoped for."

"Well, I wish I lived closer, could help out more. Of course I have to work too, so I can't really help with daycare duties. I do miss being with the kids. They grow up so fast."

"OK, so we both know I'm good. What's this about Jason? Is he in trouble or something?"

"Karen, you and Jason were close for a long time. After your father passed you seemed to bond even more. What is your impression of him?"

"A super nice guy. Big, goofy sense of humor. Stable. Good looking. All the right things."

"OK, he's perfect. Then why can't he find someone? You've seen him in bars, on the prow with you. What's the deal?"

"Well, it's kind of weird. I've seen women looking at him, giving him signals, and he has no clue. I would see it and try make him go up and talk to the girl and he just couldn't do it. Even when he did try he came off as awkward and shy. Women want someone with confidence. You have to get to know him, I guess, then the real Jason comes thru. He dated a couple of my friends over the years and they liked him fine, but the connection was never there. He was actually the one to break it off, usually. And then there's the whole stuttering thing, I think it kind of puts off some woman, at least initially."

"Stuttering? I thought Jason was over that? A little stammering once in a while when he gets nervous or upset. Is it that bad?"

"It can be, when he's trying to talk to a woman for the first time. He get's flustered and starts to stutter for real. There's not much I can do about that, I'm not a speech therapist or anything."

"Jason told me he tried the dating apps, and they didn't work for him."

"No. From what I hear 80% of the women are after 10% of the guys. Really a weird situation, for both sides. Most of the guys never get dates, and the other 10% get women all over them and become conceited jerks. I tried to give him advice and confidence over the years, but it never really helped."

"Do you have any friends now that might be interested?"

"Not really. Most of my friends, that I could see with Jason, are married or dating someone already. And with two kids, lately I'm not hanging around my friends that much anyway."

"Well, Jason got some news at work last week. Apparently his company is having a sales promotion thing and are sending store owners on trips to Hawaii. And they are sending some employees along, and Jason got selected. So in 6 months he is going to fabulous Hawaii, on a trip for two, with someone unknown. He's embarrassed to go alone. So now what should have been a great adventure becomes a problem."

"Well, of course I won't go, for multiple reasons. It might have been fun back in the day, but now I have the whole kids and husband thing. Would be weird to take a sister anyway. He could take his roommate, but that's almost as bad. A public admission that over 6 months he could not find one woman willing to go to Hawaii, with him."

"Mom, you said the trips is in 6 months. Do you know the dates?"

"Second week in March."

"Is that near your spring break from school?"

"Yep. I'm on break that week. Kind of makes you think. If Jason, or we, can't find someone by then his only options will be his roommate or his 46 year old overweight mother."

"Jason seems to be spending a lot of time with you lately. Are you two getting closer? It sounds like you've already considered going to an island paradise with him."

"Well, he comes in every 3 or 4 weeks for the weekend. I think we just keep each other from being so lonely. I always tell him not to come, go find a daughter in law for me, but he comes in anyway."

"Do you think you two are closer than you and me? When we were kids I would watch you and Jason together on the couch. Dad never held me that way. Then when dad was gone it even made it worse somehow. Jason had someone to hold onto thru all the stress. I guess I was even a little jealous back then. Lately it's been tougher to spend time with you, with the kids and all."

"Closer than us? No. Different? Sure. I see you as an extension of me. I know what you are, what you want, from a woman's point of view. I see Jason as an extension of your father. Not as a husband, but as the man he was. I also see you each as a son and a daughter. Very different relationship, and also the same. I love you both very much. I also know your father loved you just as much. We never talked about it, but I think he was a little afraid of himself getting too close, physically, with his daughter. Afraid of being a little wrong somehow, ever the good guy. I'm truly sorry you missed out on the other part Jason and I have. Course you have the kids and Harry to make up for it now."

"And, before you change the topic to me, I'll have you know I've decided to get myself back out there dating wise. At least start the process. How can I constantly beat on Jason when I'm just as bad? Lately every time I harp on him about dating he fires back it's time for me to get out there, how long it been since your father passed. I know I've let myself go, it's time to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to join that gym downtown, maybe hire a trainer even."

"Mom that's great. Good for you. While you're getting your body in shape don't forget about your hair. What you have now is not working for you, kind of butch really. Way too short and masculine. Would this, by the way, have anything to do with getting ready for the beaches in Hawaii?"

"Well, sometimes a woman needs a little motivation. Of course we know I'm the last resort, assuming Jason would want to take me at all. Still need to see what we can do about finding 'the one' for Jason in the meantime."

Karen went into the kitchen to see about the bottle and food for the kids. She saw mom's laptop open on the table and decided to do some browsing. She noticed a word document minimized link at the bottom and opened it, just general curiosity to see what mom was up to these days.

"Sunday, August 12. Woke up at 12:30 AM, screaming into a hand around my mouth, with a strong arm wrapped under me, holding both arms, pinning me. I could not move. I was terrified."

What the heck was this? The more Karen read the more it sounded like a rape encounter. An erotic play by play. Sounded like whoever this was about was enjoying it, eventually. Enjoyed it a lot, by the end. How could any women enjoy being raped? Not being in control, being violated, can't imagine anything worse. Was mom into this kind of thing? At the end was just the word 'Jason' with three question marks after. What did that mean? Just then mom walked into the kitchen to see if she could help with anything.

"Mom, what's this?"

"Karen, What the hell are you doing, looking at my private writings!"

Mom walked over and closed the member, and shutdown the laptop.

"Sorry mom, just got curious. I want to talk about this."

"None of your business. It's... private."

"Mom, we ARE going to talk about this. Are you really the person I thought I knew?"

"Of course I'm the person you thought I was. I would never lie to you, or try to be something I'm not. There might just be a little more to me that you don't need to know about".

"Like having fantasies about being raped? And why was Jason's name at the bottom? You wrote this, right? It didn't come off one of those story sites?"

Tracy sat down at the table and just thought for a couple minutes. Karen, in fact nobody, was ever supposed to see that word document. It was her way of saving a special memory, like a souvenir from a good vacation, but of course much more personal and emotional. But privately, not something to put on a shelf. And now it was out. Karen would not know if it was just a story, or something that actually happened. But Tracy didn't want to lie to her daughter. Tracy was a lousy liar, and her daughter always saw right thru. She could just say she is done talking about it, but Karen seemed insistent, she wouldn't just let this go. She could come clean with the truth, that wouldn't go well. Or, give as much truth as she can, but not the whole truth.

"Karen, when you were a little girl, did you have fantasies? About your future?"

"Of course, every girl does. Just the normal ones. Grow up, go to college, meet the perfect guy. I always liked thinking about my wedding. Who would be there, what the dress would be like. What the church would look like. Where the reception would be. How many kids I would have."

"How many of these fantasies came true for you?"

"Well, all of them I guess. The reality was not always the same as the dream, but filling in the details just made them even better."

"You fantasized about your wedding. Do you need to have another? If the dream was so good, do you need to get married again?"

"Of course not. I got to live the real thing."

"So by living them, you fulfilled your dreams of old. So they are no longer fantasies, they are now memories."

"Beautify memories, yes."

"Jason came by for a visit a few weeks ago. We ended up on the couch watching a movie, Summer of 42. After it was over we started talking about the ending, where the widow takes that young boy".

"Yah, I've seen that movie. The ending kind of bothered me."

"Well, it bothered me too, as a mother. The woman taking advantage of the boy. Jason told me that he loves that movie, especially that part. He said that what happened to Hermie was a fantasy for most guys that age, and especially for him. That really happened to the author, it was based on a real event. The boy was not scarred, and eventually met up with the woman years later. She was afraid she had hurt him, he was just grateful for a touching, emotional memory, and hoped she was doing well in her life."

" So then Jason asked me about my fantasies. I told him it was none of his business. Well, most of a bottle of wine later, and a lot of prodding, I finally opened up to him."

"You had dreams growing up. One of them was having kids some day. What if, after you got married, you had found out you could not have kids? You'd live with it, still be happy with Harry, the house and all that. But there would always be a hole in your soul, dreaming of what might have been."

"God, I just had this conversation with your brother. OK, your father was a great man and a very nice guy. Provider, partner, lover, friend, parent. Everything I should ask for. In some ways he was almost too nice. You had your fantasies. Remember we don't always get to choose what excites us. One of mine involves, well, something of a sexual nature. Sometimes I desired a little excitement, a little danger. Or, even, a little more than a little. Your dad was too safe, sometimes, to satisfy those urges. Just like never holding you on the couch, safe. Nothing wrong with that, he was what he was. And I am what I am. I opened up to Jason about some of my desires, and how these dreams have passed me by. I was happy still, it was not a big thing in the grand scheme. It's just something that was never going to happen. When your dad passed, all those good things about living with him were gone, so I started feeling those old emotions a little more. Jason finally came out and asked me if I had a secret desire to be, well for want of a better word, raped. I had to tell him yes. Not a true, out of control smash mouth beating of a rape, but kind of an idealized, take me to my desires romance novel kind of thing. That, of course, would be very difficult to set up in real life. A little danger and unknown could turns me on. The thought of being traumatized and used, horrifies me, just like you. Since that night I've kind of been thinking about it. A lot, actually. What it would be like. What it could be like. So I wrote it down."

"Mom, I'm trying to understand, but being raped is the furthest thing from enticing for me. It's actually one of my biggest phobias. I guess I'm lucky Harry is my everything. Nothing missing for me in the bedroom, as they say."

"And that's why I didn't want to have this conversation. Now you think I'm a sex pervert or something. Your mother, the slut."

"Mom, you know I love you regardless. Wait, that didn't come out right. I don't think of you that way. OK, I can see your point, I guess. Sex fantasy. So what about Jason's name at the bottom? How does he fit into this? And, to take your wedding reference, that didn't read like a fantasy. It read more like an after the fact retelling, with all the details filled in. The exact date, exact time. Specific actions and emotions."

Tracy just sat there for a few moments. Gathering her thoughts. Come clean? Lie? Just change the subject? Same bad options as before. Telling half the truth was not going to do.

"Look. I decided to write out a fantasy of mine. (true) The talk I had with Jason kind of got it going (true), and I was wondering if I should show it to him when I finish (white lie). I was not sure if that was a smart move, hence the question marks (sort of true)."

Unfortunately we were now into half truth, half lies.

"Mom, why would you that show Jason? To what end? Get him thinking, what? Jason is the nicest, best guy I know. Don't you think it would upset him at least as much as me to think of you being raped?"