I Can't. I Won't. I Don't.

"You're the pharmacist and know a whole lot more about this stuff than I do. I didn't understand everything they kept saying, and the trauma guy can give you the details. You had a few tears down there which they sewed up, but they felt all that would be fine.

The male nurse walked in and said, "Ah. She's back?" She greeted him with a smile and let him take her hand and check her IV. "You are kind of stinky and we need to get you cleaned up some. Your sphincter was torn. They thought they might have to do a temporary colostomy, but opted to keep you on clear liquids when you start to eat and very soft instead. Sooooo, the good news is you didn't get a bag. Bad news is you'll need to wear some of those 'oh so fashionable' absorbent undies for a while.

"Should we get started?" She smiled and nodded. He started to slide her gown down. She stopped him and indicated that Noah should leave.

"Uh, sure," Noah said. "Your mom's out there. They made it back from their trip. It took quite a bit of work to track them down, but I was finally able to get hold of them. Would you like her to come in?" She nodded.

The nurse gave her a surprised look. She shrugged. "That guy has been at your bedside day and night. He leaves for a few hours to shower and change. We don't think he ever sleeps." She shrugged again.

She held up her left hand and wiggled her ring finger. No ring. "Your mom has it." She gave a thumbs up. "Do you want me to get it?" She shook her head vigorously. He gave her another confused look and she shrugged again.

As he went to clean her between her legs, she took a mirror and looked. It was swollen, puffy, distorted, discolored. Barely recognizable. She started to weep. "It's alright. I know it looks bad, but the docs say everything is doing fine. No permanent damage. It was just kinda like you had a big kid or something. It'll be back and ready to use in a few weeks." She shook her head. "Or whenever you're ready."

On day five she was still weak, but ready for discharge. She typed on the iPad that she wanted her folks to take her to the apartment Noah and she shared. Not Noah. He tried to hide the hurt once again, but said nothing.

That evening, he asked if she was ready for a shower. She nodded. He got everything ready and was ready to assist, but she walked into the bathroom and locked the door. Later, at bedtime, he went to get in bed next to her as they had done each night for almost a year and she pointed towards the door.

He slept on the couch. The next day he set up the second bedroom which they had used as an office as his bedroom. He didn't understand and all the stuff he read said he shouldn't ask. He called rape counseling centers and they said her behavior was a little unusual, 'but everyone heals differently. Be patient. Give her space.'

Noah chauffeured her to her physicians, rape counselors, the police department, the prosecuting attorney, helped her find a liability attorney and took her there. She went in alone, or with Emily at each meeting. He did the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry. Tried to make light conversation with her, but she largely ignored him. She was limited to typing what she needed, but didn't respond to his attempts at conversation.

DNA matched the two workmen who assaulted her and the hotel camera clearly showed that three men had keys. No question about granting them willing access. The front desk person said they had told her they were here to fix some things and she had seen them working so she made them keys. Emily's testimony about the bathroom and the condition she was in when she found her sealed the deal.

The police arrested the three. They were bailed out, but given restraining orders to stay clear of Ava, Emily and the family. Lawsuits were filed against the construction company and the hotel.

In the second week, things were still difficult between Noah and Ava. He asked her to walk outside. She declined, but went with Emily. He asked her to the movies. She declined, but went with her friends.

Ava set up many rules. He could not be in the same room with her unless the door was open. He could only see her fully clothed, not touch her, not show any signs of affection. She was steadily improving and becoming more animated with her family and friends, but remained cold and unresponsive towards Noah. It was clearly wearing on him, he went back to work, but continued the meals and maintenance. He tried to maintain a positive attitude, but was losing hope.

Her counselors felt she was making excellent progress, but she never discussed Noah with them and never put the ring back on.

Noah walked into the bedroom, now six weeks down the line, the bedroom they'd shared for so long in the apartment, carrying a breakfast tray. Ava was standing at the foot of the bed staring out the window watching the small children play outside. Their parents conversing together while they watched the little ones play.

"Ava?...." No response. He walked in and tapped her on the shoulder. "Ava, I made..." She swung and her fist drove forcefully into his mouth and nose. He stumbled back a step, caught his foot on the bed, and fell to the floor. The hot coffee was burning his chest and he was covered by orange juice, waffles, syrup and fresh fruit. But it all rapidly disappeared from view as the blood poured from his nose and split lip.

Taking a deep breath, putting a finger over her trach scar that still leaked some air, she whispered, "Noah! Noah, I'm so sorry! I didn't....But you have to quit hovering..."

"Hovering! I haven't seen you for a fucking week! I made you breakfast on a Sunday morning like I used to do all the time. I had to have Emily let me into MY apartment because you made me move out and give you MY key. She has a key. My folks, your folks have keys. But NOT ME! What? Are you afraid I'm going to force myself on you?"

He leaned forward to stand up and a puddle formed on the floor below his face.

Interrupting her as she started to speak and controlling the anger which was obvious in his tortured voice and on his bloody face. "It's OK, Ava. My fault. I broke the fucking rules. I touched your shoulder." He shoved the tray angrily aside and walked to the bathroom. The blood continued to pour.

Having heard the noise, Emily rushed in from the front room, saw all the blood, heard Noah coughing and spitting, and looked at Ava, the tray, and the blood trail to the bathroom. "Ava! What..."

"SHIT!" The two women looked at each other and heard the sink running. A few moments later Noah emerged holding a wash cloth to his shattered nose. He spoke in an odd trembling voice, his lip split, requiring stitches, and already swollen. His eyes were starting to swell as well. As he spoke, blood spatters flew from his mouth with each word.

"Good one, Ava. I hope it felt good," he said in a voice full of constrained anger.

"Noah?..."

"Shut the fuck up, Emily."

"But, Noah..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, EMILY! This talk is over due." Turning to Ava who was just staring at him. She had never seen him angry like this, on the edge of control. He was always so controlled. Level.

"Ava. I will never understand what you went through. I have read thousands of pages, talked to every rape crisis center, I swear, in the country. You go to your therapist. I've been to one too. I get it. Grief, pain, fear, guilt, self doubt, nightmares, self blame, depression, fear of relationships, inability to have intimacy....And that's just the start, isn't it?

" 'Just give her time. Be supportive. Let her guide you.' BULL. SHIT!," and he walked to the bathroom and got another wash cloth. "But there's more. There's something else. This is about me, isn't it, Ava? You reject my touch at the hospital, but the male nurse comes in and touches you all over. You hug your dad. You hug my dad. Your male colleagues touch you if they visit.

"Hell! The guy at the supermarket, yesterday, tapped you on the shoulder and said excuse me so he could get to the chips he wanted. And you were OK with that. You talked to him, talked to the guy in the checkout line.

But not me. Never Noah. You have not talked to me, smiled at me, or, even thanked me since the day you were hurt. You ignore me. Like I'm not even there. Hell! Half the time you treat me like a piece of shit. That's when I'm allowed to even see you!

"You know all those things I just described? Grief, pain, guilt, self doubt, nightmares....The feelings that rape victims often have? Well, news flash! I have them too.

And you know what! Not a single person has asked me in the six weeks HOW THE FUCK I'M DOING! No. I take that back. Emily, you have always asked me how I was doing. The one and only person. Thank you for that. Not my parents. Not your parents. Not our friends. Only Emily.

"But that's my problem. Everyone is so busy helping you, Ava, that they don't give a rat's ass about good old Noah. Noah. He's so strong. So stable. So steady. He doesn't need any help. Well news flash, Noah is broken, shattered. Just. Like. You.

"You're the woman I love. The woman I love more than life itself. But it comes down to I CAN'T. I WON'T. I DON'T."

Ava looked at him with confusion and growing discomfort.

"Yes. You're the woman I love and I FAILED! I failed to protect the one thing in life I value more than anything. You.

"And that's the issue isn't it, Ava? It's now clear. Most rape victims blame themselves for what happened. BUT. YOU. BLAME. ME. You blame me for the failure to protect you. Which is great because I BLAME ME, too. If you remember, it's not like you asked me to come and I turned you down.

"No. I asked you if I could go with you. I was worried something was going to happen. I thought it would be fun, but you said it was going to be a 'girls' trip. You, Emily, and your friends. Have you forgotten that, Ava?

"You're the victim. I get it. But I'M THE FUCKING VICTIM TOO. I lost the woman I love. I lost the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Not only that, but SHE TREATS ME LIKE SHIT! KICKED ME OUT OF MY OWN APARTMENT! My own fucking apartment!

"Ava. If you had cancer I would have taken care of you every step of the way. No matter the outcome. If you were in a wreck and paralyzed I would change your bags and do everything I could to help. Forever. If you had a stroke and were a veg. I'd hold your hand and stay by your side and care for you all day every day.

"But this? I can't anymore, Ava. I'm sorry. I guess I failed you again. How's that song go, 'I can't make you love me if you don't.' Or something like that. Well, I now know it's true.

"So it's....I CAN'T, I WON'T, I DON'T. Right? Noah, I can't love you. Noah, I won't love you. And, Noah, I don't love you anymore.' All three I suspect.

"Good Old Noah has said enough. Off to the emergency room and guessing from the looks of it, I'll be spending the day in the OR. Even my fucking teeth are loose. Great punch, Ava. Didn't know you had it in you. See you Ava. I won't be 'hovering' any fucking more.

"Do whatever the fuck you want with the ring. You're not wearing it anyway so I guess in your mind we were done the night it all happened. I'll figure out what I'm doing after my surgery."

"Noah, your eyes are all swollen...let me...."

Holding up his hand to interrupt her. "Thanks, Emily, but no." With tears in his eyes, "I'll deal with it myself. Just as I have since that day. I'm sure my little soliloquy has further traumatized Ava so you need to stay and help her." He walked out and they heard the front door close and moments later his car leave the lot.

The two women stopped looking at the doorway and looked at each other. "He's right, Ava. None of us have really given a single thought to how this has affected him." She started crying. "I never even thought much about it. I hardly ever asked him. He's helped all of us...Been so strong. He's been shut out, left alone for six weeks. God. What were we thinking?"

"Worse than that. He's right. I do blame him. I relied on him to protect me, to keep me safe. First my parents kept me safe when I was little and they were successful. Then the man I loved was supposed to keep me safe. And he didn't. He did fail."

"But Ava. That's nuts. There's nothing he could have done. He wasn't there."

"I know it's not right, I know it's all wrong headed. But some how I do blame him for what happened. He's also right that I've been punishing him every day since it happened. I don't know why I've been doing it. I can't help myself."

"Ava. We all screwed up big time. Even his folks screwed up. We both know he'd have died defending you if he'd been there."

"I know. It's screwed up. But that's how I feel inside."

"You need to talk to him. You need to talk to your therapist. Hell. I have to talk to him...We just let him drive to the hospital alone. And he's going to have surgery...alone.

"We have to talk to him. Help him."

But they didn't get a chance. The nurse in recovery said that there were several people in the waiting room that wanted to see him. He said he didn't feel up to it and did not want any visitors. When he went out to convey the message, Noah threw on his clothes and went out the back door. The alarm went off, but he kept moving.

The nurse went out to talk with the visitors. Something weird going on here. Six folks waiting anxiously and he doesn't want to see them. What gives?

"Hello. I'm Noah's nurse, Chris. May I ask who each of you are? He went around the group.

"His parents."

"His future in-laws."

"Friend."

And then to Ava, "Uh....friend, I guess." All four parents looked shocked. Tears filled Emily's eyes.

"Well, the good news is that he's doing fine. The bad news is that he doesn't want any visitors. Sorry. He was very firm about it." Now his mom started crying, starting to realize the full extent of how Noah felt and her role in it. Ava's mom and Emily were also crying, the fathers looked confused. And Ava just stared straight ahead. Not knowing how she felt about it.

His nurse went back to recovery. The folks became aware of some commotion going on in recovery and fifteen minutes later Chris returned. "I'm sorry to say this, but while I came out to talk to you, Noah apparently got dressed and left. You all need to find him if you can.

"He needs to see the facial trauma doctor in 48 hours to be checked. There are some instructions, prescriptions, and as always, a ton of paperwork. If we can help please let us know. Here's the stuff. I guess I should give it to..." And he gave to Noah's dad. Both mom's were actively crying as the reality of the situation sank in.

"We need to get home. Maybe he's there." But he wasn't.

It was late by the time he got to his folk's house. He quickly packed a couple of suitcases full of stuff, loaded his car, grabbed his tools,and even though he could barely see out of his swollen, blackened, blood shot eyes he flipped a coin and the decision was made to drive west.

His note to his folks said simply that he was sorry for leaving this way. 'He was fine, but had to get away for a while to regroup and get his act together. The doc did say that you'd still be able to recognize me when I get back.' And he added a smiley face. Man I hate these little things, but Mom loves 'em.

The highways were almost empty as he drove overnight and until midmorning. His only stops were for gas. The pickup got crappy gas mileage, they had always used Ava's car on trips. He stopped when he passed a cell phone store and got a new one to replace the one he'd left on the kitchen table.

He called his boss, explained the situation, thanked him for everything and resigned. Drove again until dark. Got a bite to eat. Slept for a few hours at a rest stop and by morning was passing through Denver. Nope. Too big.

He drove into the mountains and stopped at a small town. It's beautiful here. The mountains, the town, look at all the flowers. Spring is just coming. Maybe this is a good spot. He stopped for breakfast.

Everyone he passed stared some at his freakish appearance but still greeted him with a hello or hi. They seemed happy. There was a good feel to the town. It felt.... 'comfortable' or something. He needed that.

At breakfast he asked about a place to stay. "Well, there's a big hotel by the highway if you like that sort of thing. But if it were me, I'd stay at Ms. Emma's B 'n B a couple blocks over. Great views of the mountains.

And she makes the best breakfast! other than mine, of course. She runs the place all by herself since her husband died. You could do far worse than staying there. Tell her Doreen sent you."

He drove to her place and parked in the back, walked around to the front and entered the lobby. No one was around, but he heard someone busily shuffling around in the kitchen. "Damn sink! Why do you pick now to get clogged. I need to get breakfast out for the guests." He looked and saw someone furiously plunging the sink with no success.

"Excuse me. Ms. Emma?"

She turned her head, jumped in surprise and held up the plunger when she saw him then checked herself. "Oh, I'm sorry. I...."

"It's OK. I look pretty bad. Car wreck. I wanted to see about getting a room for, I don't know, probably a week or so while I heal."

"Sure. But can I get breakfast done and on the table for the guests before I get you registered."

"Sure. Can I help? Can I take some stuff out there while you finish up?"

"Lordy, that would be great. I'm so far behind today. That darn sink..."

He followed her directions. It did look like a great breakfast. Plenty of strange looks from the other guests and 'hope you get betters.' When it was all served he went to his truck and got his tools.

While she was busy, he went under the sink. His face hurt like hell and felt like it would explode every time he bent over so he lay down, took the old metal drain apart and caught the water in a bucket he found. The drain was all rusty inside and plugged solid with grease, food scraps, peels. Gross.

He cleaned it out and reassembled it. When she returned he was scrubbing the sink. She looked at her sink, then at him. "What magic did you do while I was gone?"

"Well, your pipes are all rusty. Well, not yours personally." He laughed, but then grimaced as he stretched his lip repair. "I took it apart and cleaned it out. It's going to happen again.

If you would like, I can replace them with PVC in just a few minutes. Well, probably a little longer. I can't bend my head down with this splint and all this packing and stuff. Makes it bleed. But. Then it should work like a charm. Is there a hardware store nearby?"

"Sure, Herb's place is over at the edge of town. Pretty much the only show in town. Hardware, lumber yard. All kinds of stuff. Hell, he's the only show even nearby. Otherwise have to drive nearly to Denver. But, let's get you registered. Tell you what, if you fix that darn thing, the first night is on me."

"That's not right. I don't mind paying."

"Nonsense. Do you know what the plumber would charge me! That damn Carl is a pirate."

He settled in. A nice comfortable room. Basic, but everything he needed. He had some leftover breakfast at Emma's, only soft food since he had a splint on his teeth as well. And then walked to the hardware store on the edge of town.

It took a while, but he was in no hurry. Approaching the man behind the counter, "Hi! Are you Herb?" He nodded. "I'm Noah. I need to replace the trap on the kitchen sink at Emma's. She said you'd likely have what I needed."

"You working for Emma?" he said suspiciously.

"No. Just a guest, but she needs help with it. I'll need an adapter for the metal pipe, the trap, some straight pvc and a cutter for it. I better get a couple of 90's and 45's as well."

"Sounds like you know your stuff. Other than smashing things with your face, doesn't look like you're very good at it by the way, what kind of work do you do?"