I do not Think So Again

After the shower, I came downstairs and sat down again and looked at Jill. She looked like she had been run over by a truck.

She looked lifeless and exhausted. The pain she was feeling was fresh, while mine had been building for a few weeks.

Finally, she spoke, "Harris I love you and always will love you. I know my actions do not seem like it, but I am completely distraught by what I did.

I interrupted, "Jill, stop it, I know you are sorry now, but suppose I was still in Chicago, what would you be doing right now?" She was silent, "tell me damn it, what would you be doing right now?"

She hung her head and said she would be making love to Robert.

"Making love? Really?, I thought that was what we did."

She said, "you know what I mean I hate the word fuck. I would be fucking Robert."

"That is better" I said. "At least you admit it. Tell me what you and Robert did, I know you fucked but I want details, this is the only way I will ever believe anything you say if you tell me the complete truth. And don't forget I already have some facts so DO NOT LIE TO ME."

She nodded her head. "We screwed around and I gave him blow jobs, hand jobs, and fucking."

"Did you let him do anal on you?"

"No, she said, I did not let it go there."

"Did you swallow after he came?'

She hung her head down, "yes." She would give me blow jobs but would never swallow for me.

"That was nice of you. Seeing as I wanted you to do that but you thought it was disgusting, but good old 9-inch Robert comes along you are happy to do it." "Did you like the taste?"

She shook her head, "no, I just did it because he demanded it. I do not understand why I would let him treat me like that. He liked using me has his toy."

"But you enjoyed it, you should have seen your eyes when he was waving that big dick in your face. I have never in 24 years ever seen that lust in your eyes for me. NEVER! How do you think that makes me feel?"

She started crying again, "Honey I love you and you are so tender and loving, he was just a brute. He took me and I am so ashamed."

"Let me ask you a question Jill, do you know when we last had sex?"

Jill said, "a couple of weeks ago?" asking nervously. Obviously, she did not even realize it.

"No, it has been 4 weeks, about the same time you started seeing Robert. Did you even notice we had not done anything at all? Also, when did we make love before that, were you thinking of him then?"

She said, "I did not realize it at all, I am so sorry. I was so selfish and consumed that I missed it. No, I did not think of him when we were together because we make love, he just took me, it was not the same."

"But you did like it, that was obvious. Just a couple of hours ago, all you could think of was being with him. Do you know how humiliating that is to me?"

She just shook her head and said, "Anything I can do to ease your pain I will do, I never thought I could hurt someone so. I have been terrible."

"Would you like to continue seeing him? He made you feel things I could never do for you, even if you let me try. What do you want from me?"

"I want you Harris, that is what I want.

"I find that incredible. You cannot change your feelings that fast. We both need to get a good night's sleep. I am off from work tomorrow and we can see things better after some sleep. I think we better go to bed.

I got up and went to our room and pulled out some things and took them to my daughter's room.

She said, "I want to sleep with you."

I told her "our bedroom had been spoiled by Haverford and you. I doubt I will ever sleep there again. You should stay in there.

"First, there are some things you need to do tomorrow. Go to the doctor and get checked out. Haverford probably had screwed a lot of ladies since he was here and you need to be tested for your own protection. If you slept with him before we last made love then please tell me because I may need to get tested too. Also, did your lover convince you to fuck in our bed?"

He was trying to demean me and make me a cuckold. That infuriates me and you enjoyed my humiliation too. Have a nice night."

I slammed the door and went to bed. Jill left and went to her room.

I tossed and turned a lot but finally drifted off to sleep and got up at 7:00.

Jill was there in the kitchen already. She had made coffee and told me she took off today. We had the whole day and that scared me. I did not want to listen to her all day. She made some breakfast and we ate it in silence.

Finally, she said she would be tested for STD's.

Also, she wanted to work through this with me.

I told her, "why do you want to do that? If you still want your lover and are discreet you can continue."

She looked at me with surprise and said, "You want me to continue to see him?"

"Don't you want to, he completely captivated you and you loved it. You will still have to see him every day at work. Nothing has to change, might as well get fucked by a big dick that feels good."

She was confused and didn't know what to say. "Why are you saying that? I want to be with you."

"I think we should have a trial separation anyway. That way you can fuck big dick and I can be the happy clueless cuckold. You get the best of both worlds, still being respected by friends and family and not having to waste your time on a sham marriage.

"Whenever we have to go to functions together we can play like we are a happy couple and then your lover can fuck you all over. Great opportunity for you. I have some things to do today and will be out for a little while. Have a great day."

She started to cry as I got up to leave.

Why did the stupid bitch give a damn about I was doing. She had not cared recently at all. I checked her phone while she was cleaning up the dishes and checked to see if he had called her. No calls since last night from him, but it doesn't mean she did not contact him, using our land line.

My first order of business was to talk to my boss and explain everything. He was shocked and sorry about Jill. He could not believe it.

After talking about it, I wanted to take the transfer to another store that they had offered if possible. A new place and new job, it would be a pay raise as well as getting away from all the hell I was living in. He would look into it and see when we could have that happen. It might take a month or two.

Next, I went to my attorney's office and spoke to him and told him my ideas. We would have a standard separation and proceed to a divorce and split mostly everything 50/50. I would move out of the house within a week and then see how long I would have to wait until I was transferred.

Then get on with my life.

After speaking with the attorney, I went and changed all the accounts and canceled all the joint cards. Taking out 50% of our savings as well as checking accounts. Then I had to go and see our broker about some investments that we had and try to change them as well. I would need Jill to signoff and she would also get half of the investments.

Damn everything was pretty simple, but it made me feel so bad. I left there and got some lunch and went to the park and walked for a while.

I did have my phone and Jill called and said she had her appointment at the doctor's office and would find out the results in a few days. I told her I would be there soon.

I needed to speak to Stephanie and let her know but was going to wait until we had worked out some of the arrangements first. It made me cry to think about it.

After walking and getting some fresh air, I left for my house. There was no more home simply a damn house.

I walked in the house and Jill had dressed and looked nice. She was very nervous and told me, we needed to move on and hopefully repair our marriage.

"Ok dear wife tell me what we can do?"

She wanted us to go to counseling. Also, she would limit her time spent with Robert. We would make more time to for us. I thought that was nice. Her focus was on repairing our lives and moving forward. I listened and acted like I was caring what she thought.

When she was finished, I told her, "was she willing to turn over all her communications from her cell as well as her emails to him. I wanted to read them and see where we could go after that."

She did not like that idea, as she said she had deleted them. How convenient.

"I asked her why she deleted them?"

She said she did not want me seeing them.

"Ah I see, when did you do that?"

She said she wanted to start new and wanted everything that reminded her of Robert to be destroyed. I think she thought that was a wonderful idea and would make me happy.

I told her I had a document for her to review it was a separation agreement prepared by our attorney. If she wanted she could have someone else review if she liked. I would move out and get a temporary place and continue to help with expenses. She can decide to do as she liked once we are separated.

I watched her think about this and waited for her response. She said she would rather we stay together and try to work this out. She loved me and thought we could get through this.

I did not. I also did not tell her I was looking to transfer as soon as that was possible. She would never move and I knew that.

We both just spent the rest of the day working around the house. I raked the yard and she was talking to her Mother about Thanksgiving and having some friends over to join us as we usually did.

I was not going to participate this year and I failed to tell her that as well. We simply ordered a pizza and she and I sat in silence.

The rest of the weekend I started to get things together for me to move out. She told me she did not want me to move out and told me to wait until after Thanksgiving to make a decision. I just nodded.

The rest of the weekend progressed and I continued sleeping in the other room.

She asked if she could join me and I told her no. We needed alone time.

On Monday, I had asked off again and Jill did not know it. She went to work and I had started moving to a temporary motel for a few days to wait until I heard about my transfer.

My regional boss was looking at two options.

Since I as the assistant manager at the store, the Manager was also involved. He was a good friend and knew my move would benefit me financially as well as getting away from the toxic environment I was living in.

About lunch time I called Jill's office and spoke to Sally. I could tell she reluctantly wanted to speak to me, But I had to know what Jill's demeanor was like at the office.

Sally noticed that Jill was very quiet and off to herself. She also noticed that she had met with Robert in his office for about an hour. When she came out she was nervous and went straight to her office.

Sally said she peeked in her office and it looked like Jill had been crying. Sally asked what was wrong but Jill said had a rough weekend and that she and her husband had been having a difficult time lately.

Sally being a friend said did anything have to do with Robert and she nodded, but did not give any other details.

I asked if Robert and she were going out to lunch and she could not tell because Robert left about 10 minutes ago and she just left.

I thanked her and decided to ring Jill. I waited a few minutes and then wanted to see if I could tell if she was with him.

Jill answered after I called and asked if she was at lunch? She said yes and I could hear noise in the background like people talking and probably was at lunch.

Then I asked the big question, "are you alone?"

She said she was only picking up lunch and then returning shortly.

I called Sally again and found out she was only gone for about 25 minutes. So maybe she was telling me the truth.

Sally also said that she went into Robert's office again for about 30 minutes. I thanked her again and then finished moving some clothes to my temporary home for a while.

About 5:00 I decided to go home and wait for Jill to tell her I had moved out. When she arrived home, I told her to sit down and let's talk for a moment.

I told her I had moved out and that we should live apart and see what we should do next.

I asked her, "Jill what do you want?"

She responded that she thought we should stay together and work it out.

"How? Maybe a little alone time we can discover if we want a marriage or just move on."

She was shocked, "No I do not want a divorce. Not at all."

I asked her, "Jill since my confrontation occurred, have you spoken to Robert?"

She said she had and that they were just trying to figure out how they can work together. It was nothing else. She did not want to lose me.

"Please Harris, do not do this until we can spend some time with family over Thanksgiving. This could help us both."

"Sorry dear, I love Stephanie and I think you still want Robert, it is too painful to be second best to my wife. We need to speak to Stephanie

and let her know we have separated. Well, I better leave now and I will be in touch."

I did hug her as she cried. Then left.

I settled in and worked on some things at the motel.

I had told Jill, she could call me if she had any important things to discuss, otherwise we needed time away.

I slept terribly again.

I reported to work as we got ready for the start of the Holiday season. It was very busy as usual, which was good for us.

I finally finished and got back to the room about 7:00. I checked my phone and saw a text from Jill saying she loved me. My sarcastic thought was Jill who?

Later, Jill called and I did answer it. She said Thanksgiving dinner will be at noon. She was excited because Stephanie was coming home tomorrow and we had about 10 people invited.

Then she asked what time I would be there? I told her I would not be coming. She was silent and then just hung up the phone. Well that went well.

After that conversation, I called Stephanie and told her, that her Mom and I had separated.

She started crying and I told her that her Mom had been seeing someone. I did not give details but I had to tell her the truth. I did not create this mess, her Mom did.

She begged me to come to Thanksgiving, but I told I couldn't. I was too hurt and I was going to take her to dinner and see her as much as I could over the weekend.

Work was going to be intense as it was Black Friday I usually reported about 5AM and would work until almost 8 that evening.

She begged me to get back with Mom as she would be crushed if I did not. I wish I could have told her more, but I did not feel up to it.

Another night passed by and I slept poorly.

I hope I survived this holiday season, because it was going to be the worst one I had ever had.

Wednesday before Thanksgiving was always wild at the store. We worked to prepare for everything. I worked about 12 hours and then went back to my little motel.

I had received a call from Stephanie and Jill both.

I called Stephanie on her cell and we spoke. She said she had spoken to Mom and was told that she did some inappropriate things but never stopped loving me. She wanted to see me and wanted me there tomorrow.

I apologized and said I could not but I really wanted to take her out and we could talk. She was angry at me for not trying to patch things up as she called it. I told her I would definitely speak to her and we set up a time for dinner Thanksgiving night.

Then I made the call to Jill. She was angry and expected me there tomorrow unless she hated her daughter and her.

I told her that was ridiculous. I did not feel welcome in a home where my wife entertained another man there. I also asked if Robert was coming and she hung up on me.

I did call her friend Beth and spoke to her.

Beth apparently had spoken to Jill and she told her I had left her. I asked Beth if she told her why?

Beth said Jill had told her I was angry about a co-worker. Well that was the understatement of the year.

Beth and her family were coming over to our house tomorrow and I told her I would not be there. I told Beth, Jill was seeing someone else and I caught her.

She was shocked and could not believe it. I told her it was true. But I did not want to spoil her Thanksgiving and I wished her and family a great day.

Then I tried to go to sleep. I had to take some sleeping pills to finally get a decent night's sleep.

Thanksgiving morning was sunny and bright and I was in a state of depression. Alone, hurt, and angry, my room had a kitchenette and I had bought a few groceries to get me through the day.

I was looking forward to dinner with my Stephanie but otherwise it was going to be a very quiet day. I dreamed of all the Thanksgivings in our past and started to cry.

I life felt like shit, but I had to move on and start over. I had the tv on all day as company. I felt like I was in prison.

At noon, I thought of all the people sitting down to a big dinner as I ate my ham and cheese sandwich.

Later, Stephanie called and said she was coming over about 4:00 to spend some time with me. I loved my girl so much and she was my reason for carrying on.

When she arrived, I gave her a big hug and kiss and we both started to cry. I held her for a long time and then she sat down.

Stephanie told me she had stayed up half the night with her Mom. Jill told her she had made a big mistake but did not give any details. Stephanie asked did she cheat and she just said she was wrong.

I told her I would tell her anything she wanted to know outside the crude details. She understood.

She told me Mom was a wreck and cried for two hours and dreaded seeing everyone without me being there. She also said everyone who was there was shocked when she told them we were separated.

She did not want to answer questions, but that she was working toward reconciling. It was a subdued dinner as Stephanie told me and Jill's mother was mad.

She was going to get to the bottom of things and I would expect a phone call.

Stephanie and I had a nice dinner and talked about everything going on in school and boyfriends, she had a nice young man I had met and maybe he was the one as she said. That made me happy and sad.

She could not wait to finish and get her job. I told her I was requesting a transfer and not to tell her Mom yet, unless it went through.

She then realized Mom and I would never get back because Mom would never move. I told her she and her Mom were the only things that kept me here. I had lost her mom and she was moving.

There was no one here to keep me in Richmond. I told her she would be the first to know if it went through.

Stephanie kissed me and then left.

Black Friday, I was in the store at 5:30, we opened at 7:00. The day was wild and constant problems. Two people did not show up for work, a computer crashed, a lot of complaints about being out of certain items. I felt like moving from one crisis to another, in my personal and professional life.

Finally, the day ended, I could never even look at my phone all day. When I got back to my room, I had about 10 messages. One from Jill two from Stephanie and 5 from Jill's Mother, one from Beth and one work from the regional manager.

I started with the manager. He had good news the Manager in Savannah was retiring and he thought I would be a good replacement if I was interested.

I told him I would love to talk about it with him. It would not be available until after the first of the year. I understood that and I looked forward to our meeting.

Next, I spoke to Stephanie, she told me her boyfriend was coming to town on Saturday and I told her I wanted to take them both out for a late dinner if possible. She said yes, and we would meet at 8:00.

Then I called Jill, she said she had a nice Thanksgiving, but everyone asked about me. I told her I hope it was nice and that I missed all the good food. She told me it was my decision not to be there.