I Don't Want to, Talk About It

It was one of those cool, rainy, fall afternoons. I had just finished work for the day. I was rushing across the asphalt towards my car in a downpour, holding my brown leather handbag over my head. Not a good day to forget my umbrella. Balancing my bag with one hand above my head, trying to keep dry as possible. While fumbling in my pocket, trying to locate my car keys with the other. Looking down at the water splashing onto my pant legs as I approached my car. Pushing my key fob, I came to an abrupt stop, I did not even see her standing there. "I'm so sorry I didn't see you standing......"

A look of utter surprise of my face, I could not believe my wife was standing before me. I was shocked to see her, we had not seen each other in months.I had no idea how she located me, nor did I care. I skirted around her, open the car door and jumped inside. She had been there a while, Hannah, was soaked through. Placing my foot on the brake, started the car and put the car in gear.

Then just sat there staring straight ahead, I turned my head and looked out my driver's window. She just stood there looking at the ground, rain dripping off the ends of her long blonde hair. Her makeup streaking down her face. If it was not raining so hard I would have swore she was crying, her shoulders shaking up and down she must be cold. Staring straight ahead again... No she was crying. F**k, slamming the car up in the park, I moved my bag from the passenger floor to the backseat. Cracking the window open enough to yell out. "GET IN."

She slowly walked around the front of the car, not once lifting her eyes from the ground. She opened the passenger door and got in, we both sat there momentarily silent. Her shoulders continue to shake and I could hear her softly weeping. listening to the wipers slapping away the rain, windows fogging up. I struggled to get my suit jacket off in the tight confinement of the car, then placed it over her. It was not much, but it was something to warm her up.

I heard her whisper. "Thank you."

"What do you want Hannah? How did you find me?" She sat there for a moment sniffling to herself.

"I want you Daniel," she quietly chirped. "It was not easy to find you, you know."

After another long silent pause, she brushed her long damp hair out of her eye and put it behind one ear and looked at me. "Your Dad, I wore him down and he gave me a tip, the town where you work. I assumed you took a job in the same field, so I started calling financial planning businesses. On the third call I hit pay dirt, they told me that you work there. I found your car in the lot and, and wwaited."

She sat there shivering so I turned up the heat, the windows began to clear. "Yeah my dad always did have a soft spot for you, I guess... I can not beat him up too bad it took him months for you to wear him down." She watched me put on my seat belt and put hers on. I put the car back in drive and pulled out of the parking lot. "Where are you staying, Hannah, I will drop you off?"

"I, I, never thought that far ahead. When I finally found out where you were, I rushed right to your work. I know it is a long weekend and if I did not get here before you left work, I would not see you for three days! I took a cab right from the train station. I have got nothing, but the clothes in my back and my purse."

I pulled the car over and turned and stared at her, Hannah looked back but would not look me in the eye, looking scared. I did not even know how to respond to what she just said to me, so I just straightened up in my seat and drove on. The first motel I passed said (No Vacancy) so I proceeded on towards home. I know there is another one on the outskirts of town. We drove on in silence, a short while later I pulled into the parking lot of the motel. Shutting the car off, removing my belt I looked over at her. She had a sad look on her face, Hannah held out my jacket towards me. "Keep it I will be right back." I got out and dashed though the rain towards the front office.

"How are you my friend, have you got any rooms for rent?"

The old man sitting behind the counter looked up from his newspaper. "I wish I could help you, it's a long weekend don't you know Son! You're not going to find accommodations anywhere."

"Damn it" I muttered to myself. "Sell me one of those toothbrushes you have their behind you please." I ran back to the car jumped inside, Hannah had a worried look on her face. "Here I bought you a toothbrush." She smiled at me.

I had a place on the outskirts of town, it was about a fifty minute drive. A bit of a hike to work, but the traffic is in the opposite direction on my commute. It is a stone and log cabin, set back in the trees very tranquil. As I turned off the main road and started weaving through the trees, the cottage came into sight.

Hannah looked over at me and said, "Where are we?"

"This is where I live now, Hannah."

HANNAH

"It's beautiful Daniel" The rain had finally slowed down to his light drizzle, as we got out of the car. I took a deep breath in through my nostrils, so fresh, so clean, so alive. There was still a chill in the air and I was soaked through. I put the toothbrush in my purse on my shoulder then turn the jacket around that Daniel had given me and put it over my shoulders. I watched him as he got his leather bag out of the back seat and then proceeded to the front door, me in toe on his heels. As soon as we step through the door, I handed Daniel back his jacket and thanked him. He took off his shoes as soon as he came in the door so I kicked off my heels.

As beautiful as the cottage appeared to be from the outside it was just as amazing on the inside. On the one side was a large stone fireplace, open concept with large cathedral ceilings. At the back, what appeared to be a loft with stairs going up. Rustic yet all the amenities that you would need, for instance the kitchen had a gas range, stainless steel refrigerator, microwave, Keurig. I was so happy that Daniel did not turn me away. Intrigued as I looked around, I had not noticed that he had disappeared. Moments later he reappeared wearing a sweatshirt and what appeared to be pajama bottoms. He handed me a towel a bathrobe and his pajama top.

"Sorry this is the best I can do for you, why don't you take a hot shower and get out of those wet clothes. It is through there on your right." He pointed.

"I will start a fire and warm the place up."

"Thank you, Daniel, I will. I am sorry that I just showed up like this but I really needed to talk to you, I know you owe me nothing." I felt myself starting to cry again so I rushed into the washroom. I stripped off my yellow sundress with red tiny flowers, then my pink lace bra. I tried to squeeze out as much water as I could into the tub and then hung them on the back of the door. I reached in turning on and adjusting the water temperature. Then proceeded to remove my matching pink panties, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked a horror, makeup running down my face. I took my panties with me into the shower I would need them for tomorrow so this is an opportunity to clean them.

The water felt fantastic cascading over me warming my body. I started thinking back to months ago the last time I had seen Daniel in person. That horrible day in the hospital when I was being treated for my injuries. The remorse, the humiliation, my husband Daniel, standing there, after being called by the police to come get me. Listening to the female officer's official statement, as to what had transpired to have me in this predicament.

Officer Karen Stephens, was going over my statement, reading it back to me.

"So from what we gather, the other victim's wife, had acquired a key card from the front desk using her same last name. Hearing music playing through the door she entered her husband's hotel room and came across you and her estranged husband performing mutual oral gratification. At which point a Mrs. Helen Stephens, grab you by the hair of the head, and using her free hand started hitting you in the head with her fist. Pulling you off of her husband, a Mr Mike Stephens. Then proceeded to attack him busting his lip, I am told." stopping to look at her notes, then proceeded.

"At that point, He escaped her attack and locked himself in the bathroom, while she pounded at the door. This gave you time to get dressed and gather your things. As you tried to slip by her to get out the door. Mrs Stephens, then verbally assaulted you with all kinds of slanderous names, inflicting those claw marks on the side of your face with her nails, before you got out the door... Okay we will be in touch if we have further questions."

As I shut off the shower and wiped away my tears... That horrible day in the hospital when the officer took my statement and she stepped away and I saw my husband, Daniel, standing there listening to every word. When he turned and walked out and I never saw him again. Sure he answered a couple of my texts and we did talk for a little while on the phone that one day. Then he ghosted me all together, till today standing there in the rain after six months.

I towel dry, put on his shirt and robe, hung my dress to dry over the shower curtain rod and looked at myself in the mirror. The marks on my face have healed and gone, but the damage I did to Daniel's heart, I can never forgive myself. I timidly creeped back out into the living room not knowing what was going to face me. Daniel was sitting on an overstuffed large sofa with his back to me. I could feel the heat and hear the crackle from the large stone fireplace, that seem to mesmerise his attention. Apprehensively sitting at the other end of the sofa, he never broke his gaze from the fire and I am glad that he had not. Now sitting here, after all this time, finally having him in my sight, after going over those thoughts in my head while taking a shower. I do not know if I could look him in the eyes.

"Do you feel better, are you warm enough?"

"Yes thank you, Daniel," I whispered quietly." He stood up and looked directly at me, our eyes locked for a second. It looked as though he was about to say something, I looked away and spoke before he could. "Daniel if I could just..."

"Hannah, not tonight okay, I do not want to discuss it. I am hungry, are you hungry? Let me get you something to eat." I heated up two bowls of chili that I had made up the night before. Thinking to myself as I was waiting for the microwave. There she sits with wet hair and no makeup and she looks just as beautiful as ever, she always was a natural beauty. Why is she here, what does she want and why does she still possess a chunk of my heart?

( Bing ) Taking the first bowl out of the microwave and then putting in the second, I started to cut up some crusty bread. She cheated on me I had her dead to rights that day in the hospital I heard every word. When I got the call that she had been injured and needed to be picked up at the hospital. Sure I read her pleading text messages and I answered a few. We talked on the phone that day before I up and disappeared, she told me all the facts.

Hannah begged my forgiveness over and over, she was truly remorseful, but what I did not know was why? The day I left and changed my number, the one certainty that I had was that I needed time. Time to forgive her, or forget her, time to heal my broken heart. (Bing)

"Here Hannah, have some chili, careful it is hot. I cut up some crusty bread help yourself."

"Thank you, Daniel, it smells delicious." I'm not certain why he is being so nice to me, I thought for certain I was going to be dumped in a hotel. We sat and ate in silence, he must have felt the awkwardness as much as I did. When he took our empty bowls to the kitchen, he turned on some music. Daniel returned a little while later with a cup of hot chocolate for him and I. This time he sat down on a chair adjacent to the sofa away from me. When the song, (All Out of Love), came on the radio, and I started to cry. It was not my intention I did not want to cry in front of him, my penned up emotions at the lyrics just hit me. I sat down my drink and got up planning to rush to the washroom, to hide my embarrassment. Daniel stood up at the same time, step forward and grasp my hands in his. I pressed against him lay my head on his chest, my tears soaking into his shirt.

"It has been an emotional afternoon Hannah".......Pausing his words he took his left hand and gingerly put it on the back of my head holding it to his chest.

"I am not angry any longer, Hannah, just confused!"

After a few moments he grasped my hands again, stepped back, looked into my eyes and said, "It's been a long day. Why don't you go freshen up I will get you a blanket you can sleep on the sofa. It is nice and warm out here and tomorrow we can talk if you like? This is Cottage Country tomorrow I am sure there is something open where we can get you some things."

We stood there motionless for a moment, I so desperately hope that he would kiss me. But he eventually just let go and walked away. I proceeded to go and freshen up for bed. I brushed my teeth and brought some of my damp belongings out near the fire to dry. As I busied myself hanging things near the fire I heard him slip into the washroom, a little while later he came out.

"Daniel I am sorry to intrude on you like this but I really needed to talk to you face to face." Pausing my words for a moment I croaked out....."DDDaniel is there a special someone that would be angry to find out that I am here tonight?"

"No Hannah, good night, we will talk tomorrow."

As I lie here in bed I know it is going to be a restless sleep. I guess this day with Hannah I knew was coming, hell officially we are still married I just walked away. We had a good marriage I loved her with all my heart and she did me, so I thought. We started dating the last couple years of University, found jobs after and got married. We found a small apartment in the city near friends and family. I liked my job and she enjoyed hers teaching music. Married for five plus happy years and planning to start a family.

When she told me she was pregnant I was the happiest man on earth. My parents and her mom were so happy for us. I think it was the first time I had seen Hannah's mother smile, since her dad passed away two years prior.

Then it wasn't that horrible day, (miscarriage.) Things were a little off after that Hannah got depressed and her doctor subscribed antidepressants. After the third week, I do not know if it was her medication or her trying to rebound but our sex life greatly increased. The bouts of sadness, to anger ended and our life slowly began to improve.

Hannah told me she had a music workshop coming up, it was a two-day event and she planned on staying in the hotel where the event was being hosted. Teachers were coming in from all over, she seems so happy. I figured this would be a healthy break for her and decided to take the opportunity to spend the weekend with my mom and dad.

The first night she was away she text me in the afternoon, with a picture of an acoustic guitar that she said that she loved. I texted back that I thought that she should go ahead and buy it and that I love her. Look forward to seeing her, when she returns. Just after midnight I got a call from the hospital saying that she had been hurt with no real details. It was a bit of a drive but I got there within two and a half hours.

Upon my arrival I spoke with a nurse and the other investigating police officer in the hallway. After being filled in on what details they had I stood in the doorway, listened to the officer reading back the statement that my wife gave of night's events. What was I hearing, was this a dream a nightmare, was I hearing that my wife had cheated on me?

Now here I am, with Hannah on my sofa, trying desperately to sleep. All thoughs, painful moments spinning in my head.....

The room a glow by firelight, I can not sleep. My husband, love of my life, lying up there, asleep in that loft. Getting up, deciding to do the dishes, I am so nervous about tomorrow's conversation. I so desperately want to go up there and have him hold me in his arms, take me, make love to me. Tell me that I am his and his alone. There, dishes done, I will try once again to get some rest. Laying there on the sofa once again, covered up in a warm blanket, listening to the sound of the crackling fire.....

Waking to the smell of coffee brewing bacon cooking, sitting up on the sofa and rubbing my eyes trying to get my bearings. There was Daniel in the kitchen preparing breakfast. I got up putting his housecoat back on and slowly tiptoed up behind him. "Good morning, do you need any help?" He turned to look at me, almost had what appeared like a forced smile.

"Oh...Good morning, Hannah, I have everything in hand thank you. Did you have an okay sleep?"

"Eventually, have I time to freshen up before breakfast?" Daniel smiled and nodded a yes. After freshening up I came back out to the table. He immediately put a cup of coffee in front of me, then place the plate of French toast and bacon. I was not overly hungry my belly was still full of butterflies, but would not dare insult him by not finishing what he gave me.

"That is two meals you have prepared for me Daniel, I would hope that you would allow me to cook you dinner tonight....That is assuming that you do not throw my butt to the curb before the day is over." Laughing nervously.

"Hannah, I can not say that it is unpleasant to see you, that would be a lie........ But I do not understand why you are here exactly, I thought we made it clear, on the phone...... That we were best going our separate ways."

I studied Daniel's face he did not look angry he looks sad. Wiping a tear from my eye I spoke Softly, "I disagree. I do not find it to be best for me anyways. I love you, always have, always will. Yes I f***** up Daniel, I f***** up big time.....When we text and talk briefly before you left me, everything was still raw.

Daniel, I have been seeing a psychologist. I now know more about myself than I did before, like for instance my dad died two years to the day that I lost OUR baby......" pausing to wipe away more tears.

"I did not even consciously think about it at the time, I was just broken inside. I now realize how hurt you were inside, when we lost our..... I was selfish and only thinking of my own pain. I am not trying to make excuses, what I did is inexcusable. I lost you completely when you disconnected your phone as well. Please, I am so sorry. Please just let me tell you everything and then, ttthen, I will never bother you again, if that is what you want."

Standing up, wiped a tear from her cheek, I was taken back by Hannah's words, but changed the subject. "As much as I like that pretty little dress you are wearing, I did promise to take you shopping for some supplies. Trains are not running until after the holiday, I guess we are stuck with each other." I gave her a smile. "You can tell me everything you think I need to know still, when we get back from shopping. Let us finish up here, do the dishes and get on our way.

It was a better day today, it was still cool, but the sun was out. As we drove I asked Daniel about the cottage and his work. He told me that he was renting the cottage but he did not know how much longer that would be. The owner had told him that he planned on selling the place probably within the year. I knew that saddened Daniel. He never did take the city life, always told me of his dream to one day having a cabin in country. He told me he enjoyed his job, it was very similar to what he was doing in the city, but the people were a lot friendlier. Daniel started asking questions about my life, how my mom was, how work was going. I answered his questions.

"My Mom is fine, she asked about you all the time. She never says that I out right screwed up my marriage, only that Dad would be so disappointed if he was still alive. I am still teaching and giving music lessons at the apartment, just to have more money. It also keeps my mind busy, I miss you! When I lost track of you I went to your mom and dad's house, your Mom yelled at me for over an hour. I took it, I deserved every minute of it, and again two weeks later when I went back. The third time I showed up, she invited me in for dinner and said nothing more. Daniel, I just want you to know, I've never even looked at another man since that horrible day."