I Don't Want to, Talk About It

We both stopped talking the car fell silent, shortly after we arrived at a Supercenter and went in to do some shopping. Daniel grabbed a cart and we proceeded to the produce department. He pushed the cart around while we picked out supplies for our weekend. It made me happy inside, it was like old times, we always shopped together.

"Let's go over and pick you out a change of clothing, Hannah, I recommend you buy a pair of jeans and some walking shoes. They might be more practical for what I have planned for tomorrow."

"Oh really!" I smiled. "What do you have planned for us?" Stepping up close to him and looking up into his blue eyes. Daniel is a good nine inch taller than me, he look down and we locked eyes momentarily. He then averted his eyes, step back and laughed nervously. I picked out a form-fitting pair of light blue jeans and a button down white blouse. He waited with our cart as I went into a change room trying them on. The jeans were tight and accentuated my bubble butt, I left three buttons undone on the blouse. I had left my damp bra at the cottage and wanted to show a lot of cleavage. Not that my B Cups ever gave off a lot of cleavage. But Daniel had never complained in the past and always enjoyed sucking on my permanently erect nipples. No matter he always claimed to be an ass man and I had that in spades. I took out my lip gloss and mascara and quickly did a touch up in the mirror, retrieving a scrunchie from my purse I put my long blonde hair in a ponytail.

Acting like there was no mirror inside, I came out and stood in front of the mirror so Daniel could see me. Watching him in the mirror behind me as I wiggled my butt. I said, "what do you think?" Daniel was staring intently at my ass as he drew his tongue across his dry lips.

He cleared his throat and said," it looks.." Clear his throat again. "Looks good."

I smiled, then went and changed back into my dress. Before we cashed out, I picked out three thongs, a package of socks and a pair of walking shoes. I insisted that I wanted to pay but Daniel would hear nothing of it. We cashed out, loaded the car and headed back.

On the way back I asked if we could stop and grab a cup of tea for the road. As we pulled into the coffee shop parking lot I asked him if he wanted another coffee? Daniel acknowledged yes and then put the car in park. Before he could even undo his seatbelt, I jumped out of the car and said," I've got it."

I ordered our drinks and two honey dip donuts, from the elderly lady behind the counter. As I stood there waiting for my order, I wondered to myself. Why had Daniel not serve me with divorce papers? I nervously spun my wedding band on my finger. I was so relieved that he hadn't had me served by now. That day outside of his work standing there in the rain, I had not missed noticing that he still had his wedding band on. I know he was being good to me this weekend but, he always was a good man that did not mean anything. I just hope there is enough love in his heart for me still, that he can forgive me, and give me a chance to make it right. I gathered our order and headed back to the car, handing him a coffee and a doughnut he smiled at me.

"Thank you Hannah" I took a drink of my coffee and then ate my donut as we sat there in the parking lot in silence. I know we needed to talk, I just did not want to talk any further in the car about us. I asked her, "are you okay listening to the radio on the way back?" She nodded yes, so off we went. Listening to music, drinking are hot beverages, lost in our thoughts.

Upon arriving back at the cabin, we unpacked our purchases put away the groceries. We had a good breakfast so we opted to skip lunch and have an early dinner, Daniel placed a bottle of white wine in the refrigerator for later. It was still early afternoon so he suggested that we could go for a walk in the trails through the forest behind the cottage. I put on my new shoes and socks, Daniel grabbed us two bottled waters and off we went.

The air had warmed, the sun felt nice. I desperately wanted to hold his hand but did not push the situation. Coming out into a small clearing, there was a field of wild flowers. Daniel picked some for me, naming them off, blue chicory, yellow goldenrod, white queen's lace and a red devil's paintbrush. I was impressed, he always was so knowledgeable about the outdoors. As we came to the forest tree line again, I could hear water running in a creek. We sat on a large fallen log at its edge.

Daniel took a drink of his water, then looked at me and said, "this is good a place as any to talk."

I turned my legs towards him and took his hand and held it in my lap with both hands, looked into his eyes....." Okay, Daniel, please please let me get as much of this out as possible without interruption, this is so hard for me. Daniel you know how destroyed I felt when, when we lost the baby. That's why I went on antidepressants I was so lost. After a while, with your love and support and the medication, it seemed to be working. Even my sex drive started to increase greatly, and I felt as though we were both back on track. What I did find out after, Daniel, is that my antibioticmy antibiotic(wellbutrin) is not a SSRI and actually increase dopamine, enhances sex drive. I was prescribed a high dose of 300mg."

Continuing to hold his hand with my right at wiping a tear with my left.

"I am completely off all medication now, with the help of a therapy.

Anyways that weekend I went away for the convention, they had music workshops, musicians playing, guest speakers, vendors selling musical instruments and literature. That afternoon I met up with two University teachers that I knew from the past. Myself and the two other girls went to a local restaurant/bar for a bite to eat and listen to music, that evening. There were three performers on stage playing celtic music, Anna David and Mike. Anna was a guest speaker and was the one that told me she would be playing that night at the restaurant and invited us along. After they came off stage they sat down with the three of us. My doctor had informed me that drinking while on prescription was not recommended but not forbidden, so I nursed a wine cooler. David had asked me to dance with him and I declined. I noticed that neither, Him or Anna, wore wedding ring and where single I asumed. They danced a couple of times together and so did the other two teachers that sat at the table with me. Mike and I being the only married people at the table talked about are partners." I paused and looked into Daniel's eyes again he was listening intently.

" I talked about you and about teaching and about the fact that I played a cello. Mike talked about his wife and his business where he repaired musical instruments. He told me his passion was for the violin, and that he played cello, before taking up violin. He offered to buy me a drink which I declined. Mike then said everyone is dancing but us, would you care to dance one song. Seeing as we were both married I thought there would be no harm. The second song was a slow song and for whatever reason we continue to dance. The third song was a slow song as well but I said let us get back to the table. He thanked me for the dance and told me how attractive I was which made me blush to be honest. When I got back to the table one of the girls had bought shooters drinks, I don't know which one. I reluctantly gave into peer pressure and shot it back with everyone else," I once again took my hand and wiped a tear from my eye Daniel sat quiet.

Shortly after that I discovered that Mike, Anna, myself and Kathy one of the teachers, were staying at the same hotel. So we split a cab and left, Mike rode in the front seat, us three girls in the back. We were all laughing and feeling good. All of us, riding up in the elevator, Mike talked to me about being willing to offer my students a major discount on refurbished instruments. Reaching the third floor, Kathy and Anna got out. Coincidentally enough, Mike and I were on the fourth floor. Walking by his hotel door first he said."

"Why don't you come in for a minute, I will give you a pamphlet and

some business cards."

I felt Daniel's hands tightened slightly on mine, knowing I was approaching the painful part.

"He gave me the cards and pamphlets I put them in my purse then he said sit down for a second I want to show you my Stradivarius. I sat on the bed and he sat down near me, he handed me the violin and said."

"Go ahead play it."

"I played a little bit of green sleeves I was not very good with a violin. Mike told me I played very well and once again he complimented me on my looks and told me he enjoyed my company tonight......... then he kissed me......then he kissed me more and I kissed him back then we laid back on the bed he started touching me and I didn't stop him.....Oh God, Daniel, I hate myself, I hate what I did....We didn't have intercourse I swear to you we didn't his wife showed up, everything is a blur I remember her ripping me by the hair of the head.

Daniel stood up. "I think that is enough for now, I think we should be getting back."

Daniel began to walk away, I fell to my knees. I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate. "PLEASEEEE Daniel, I want you to know I am not blaming the antidepressants or the alcohol. I did everything that I did and, and just want you to have all the facts. Please know how remorseful I truly am. If given a chance I would spend the rest of my life making this up to you and working to be the women you deserve." Crouching there in the long grass holding my hands over my eyes.

I crouched down in front of her and took her hands in mine. "It's all right, it is all right, Hannah. It is getting late that's all" I gathered her wild flowers up off the ground and helped her to her feet. She was sobbing so hard, I knew this was as hard on her to admit, as it was to hear. I held her hand this time as we walked back into the forest, and through towards the cabin. Hannah held my hand with all her strength like it was her lifeline.

I was so relieved when Daniel held my hand, as we walked back to the cottage. once there, I asked him if I could take a shower to freshen up and then make dinner. He thought that was a good idea and got me a vase for my flowers. He told me he would cut some wood and start a fire and then take a shower after me. After coming out of the shower wearing, like the night before, his robe, t-shirt and this time panties. I started to put together diner, lemon chicken with rice. I kept stealing glances of Daniel as he started the fire. He is so handsome, God I love that man. I got sight of him as he pulled his shirt up over his head as he walked into the washroom. Daniel had always been in good shape but I think he was even more muscular than he had been prior. It has been so long, just looking at him made me shiver and moisten. I clenched my legs together and felt my nipples hardened. I fantasized in my mind about stripping my clothes off rushing into the room, crawling on my hands and knees towards him as he toweled off his wet body. Then begging him to take me any way that he felt fit. Snapping back to reality I realized I almost burnt the rice.

He came out of the washroom wearing only his pajama bottoms towelling off his hair as he climbed the stairs to the loft. I stood there almost panting like a dog looking for a treat. He returned wearing a t-shirt as well and asked me if I would like a glass of wine. "That would be nice Daniel dinner's ready." He poured us both a glass and then checked his cell phone, sitting on the charger.

"It is a text message from my Mom, she wants to know if you made it here okay." Talking into my phone.

("Yes Mom she is here, I will talk to you later, love you.")

"Looks like my parents were worried about you. I guess they know that you found me now. This meal looks great Hannah thank you."

"Your family is so sweet, Daniel, they love you so much and they try to stay out of it for the longest time. I wore your dad down, my mother has no idea I am here. She loves you very much, She was hopeful that we would....... I did not want to get her hopes up." Quickly changing the subject, "this wine is really nice." Dinner involved more small talk, I asked more questions about his work. After dinner we did dishes and then retired to the living room by the fire with another glass of wine. We sat on the same sofa not together but close, Daniel, stared at the fire and deep thought. I wondered what he was thinking about, yet feared it at the same time, when he eventually spoke.

"Hannah I know that you are aware that when I left the hospital after hearing your confession so to speak, I was so distraught. I just could not face you that is why we communicated through text and phone calls. I know you are sorry and I know we make mistakes in life, but I also know that I could not put this behind me. I tried, Hannah, I really did. So I decided to just disappear for a while, but here is what you do not know." Hannah's hands were shaking she could barely hang on to her wine glass, taking it from her hand and setting it on the table. I turned more towards her, taking her hands in mine. Tears were streaming down her face as she listened.

"I met up with Helen, that prick's, wife....guess I should say ex-wife, we had lunch together. She filed for divorce and left him this was not the first time for him. That is how she caught you too, she had been following him for a while now, suspecting his bad behavior with lots of women. She told me that you dropped the charges and that you called to apologize. Helen also told me that she hung up the phone on you. I now had all sides of the story and they all matched." I took a moment and wiped her tears.

"In the restaurant as I paid for our lunch, Helen told me to take care of myself and said two wrongs do not make a right. She then leaned in, put her hand on the back of my head and passionately kissed me on the mouth. After breaking free from the kiss. She looked at me and said, so they say... Then walked away, I have not seen or spoke to her since that day." I pause for a moment handing, Hannah, back her glass of wine, we both took a drink.

"Hannah I am glad you had a chance to talk to a psychologist about....everything. When WE, lost the baby it hit me real hard, I just had to stay strong for your sake. You were so depressed and then when you got your prescription. Things started to improve between us at least physically I think emotionally you were still lost. Then when I found out about the infidelity, no matter how many apologies. I was certain I had lost you as well. Hannah it is easier to walk away than to try to fix...Us... So maybe I am a coward, I ran."

"You're no coward, you had every right to run away, but I beg you... Please, Daniel, please forgive me for being so foolish. I know I do not deserve your forgiveness."

"That is enough talk."

Daniel said, then sat down his glass and got up, retrieved his phone and started looking for something. Then I heard it, the music, coming out of his cell. (I don't want to talk about it by Rod Stewart) He reached for me then took me in his arms and we slow danced in front of the fire light. I feel the love we shared, so safe, this man means everything to me. If I can not regain his trust and prove I will never falter again, I can not go on. My life has been a Purgatory hell, since the day he walked away. Sinking into his body, feeling his strength his warmth, his heartbeat. Thinking please do not let me go, make this last forever.

When the song ended we stood motionless for a moment. Daniel let go and stepped back, I felt a shiver through my body. We stood still staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity, eyes locked on each other. There was a sudden crackle from the fire breaking the silence.

Clearing my throat probably more out of nervousness than any physical ailment. "That was nice, Hannah, thank you. I was thinking maybe umm, I should umm, get cleaned up and get ready for bed." I walk towards the washroom then stopped, gathered my thoughts for a moment and turned and looked at Hannah.

"Hannah I do not want to mislead you, I knew eventually we would have to talk one more time at least......I am not going to lie to you, I still love you. Sometimes it is hard to put into words what you mean to me. You were my best friend, my everything... Maybe that is where we went wrong, maybe we stopped communicating as well as we should. Not talking about it is where we went wrong......You hurt me so damn bad."

He closed the bathroom door moments later I heard the shower come on his words hung there in the air. Daniel was right he was right, right about everything. I was certain that when this weekend was over we were over. I sat on the sofa weeping away, could not imagine any more soul-wrenching pain than this.

A short time later he came out of the shower placed a large log on the fire and went to his room. He said good night, nothing more. "Goodnight, Daniel, I love you." I went and freshened up for bed myself holding a cold cloth to my eyes, swollen and sore.

Lying back on the sofa, the only light in the entire cabin was the fire. I could hear that the rain had started again outside. I laid there for over an hour unable to sleep. I can not take this anymore, got up and stripped off everything. My body quivered, my skin covered in goosebumps. I tiptoed towards the ladder to the loft. As I reached the top of the ladder, I could hear Daniel's rhythmic breathing. The rain as well pounding on the rooftop as I crawl towards his bed. Lifting the blankets I crawled in next to him, I felt him flinch and then turn.

"Shhhhh, Daniel." I whispered. "Just hold me please, Daniel, that is all I ask. Even if it is never again, just give me this one night." He turned over on his side facing me, took me in his arms. Feeling his warm flesh on mine, he still slept in the nude. Placing my head against his chest, wrapped my arms around him, drifting off to sleep.

I woke to the sensation of Daniel's hardness against my belly. Having no idea how long my slumber, it was very dark. I could still hear the rain coming down. I gently rolled him onto his back and then began to caress his harden phallus, gently teasing with just my fingertips. Then grasping it in my hand and slowly stroking up and down. I could feel my body aching, moistening. Hearing Daniel's breath quicken, matching mine. I craved, needed, him inside of me. Sitting up, throwing my leg over top of him, knees on either side. I rubbed my inner lips up and down his solid shaft. Feeling an orgasm building already, as the head of his penis rubbed against my clit. Daniel's hands reached up and grasped onto the sides of my hips. Lifting myself up enough, balancing on one knee, I reach down and grasp his cock. Guiding it to where it belonged, lowering myself back down burying it deep inside me. I began to gently ride him as he thrust up into me, grasping at my hips frantically. My left hand on his chest to hold myself up, stimulating my clit with my other hand. I felt light-headed, my orgasm washed over me. Coming out of my orgasm infused stupor, lowered my head to my lover's ear. I whispered, "let me know when you are ready my love, I am fertile and unprotected." Licking his earlobe I continue to whisper warning.

" I will finish it with my mouth."

My warning only fuel Daniel desire. His fingers digging even harder into the flesh of my ass. I could not pull away if I wanted to as he thrust into me with all he had. The pain of his grasp, aroused me and I started gyrating my hips into him. Daniel's whole body suddenly stiffened, then trembled as I heard him cry out in ecstasy. I could feel his warmth spilling out inside of me. This is only the third time I have ever heard Daniel cry out. The first, being when I first gave myself to him, the second time was our honeymoon. I can not describe the feeling I had inside, I was so happy tears were dripping from my eyes. My whole body trembled as he pulling me to him, my bossom squished into his chest as he wrapped his arms around me. After awhile he rolled me onto my back. Hovering over me, he began to kiss my neck my throat my breast. kissing and licking my nipples as he gently stroke the side of my face with his fingertips. Daniel then lay down beside me, put his arm around me and pulled me in tight. Placing his lips against mine he began to passionately kiss me. I open my mouth our tongues hungrily played with each other. Kissing me again on the side of my neck by my earlobe.