I Finally Found My Way

"I can't help it. I'm crazy about you, Ann. I can't hide it anymore."

"I'm married."

"Yeah, but you didn't say happily."

"I am happily married. I love John. I will not cheat on him."

"Come on, Ann. You know you guys aren't on the same page. You know you won't give him the kids he wants. It's only a matter of time before he drops you. I'm falling in love with you and I'm more compatible with you than he is."

"He'd never do that to me. He'll wait."

"You sure about that? How long will he wait? You think you can keep him on a line forever?"

"Take me back to the office please."

Ann was in shock. Tony was falling in love with her? She was not prepared for that complication in her life. She knew she needed to back Tony off, but he understood her problems. "Maybe we are more compatible," she thought.

********

"Ann, when are you going to give me a grandbaby?"

"Come on Mother please stop. I've told you a hundred times, when I'm ready."

"Well, what are you waiting for? This 'when you're ready' nonsense is nothing but an excuse. No one is ever really ready. You suck it up and do it."

"I'm not doing this with you again."

"What's that baby?" John asked walking in with Jack from golf.

"The kids argument."

"Don't look at me for help. I'm on her side."

"Yeah, I'm aware. Let's just go home. I've lost my appetite all of a sudden."

**********

"Tony, I just can't get them off of it. Every time I see my mother she's on me about kids. John doesn't even help. I'm sure he's convinced that with both of them ganging up on me, I'll cave. Well that ain't happening.

Ew! Does your tuna taste ok? Mine tastes a bit funny."

"Yeah, mine's fine. I told you before, Ann, just cut loose. He's never going to stop. If he can't respect your body and your wishes, then he doesn't deserve you. He doesn't own you."

It was an unknowing master stroke on Tony's part to continue to blame John, when it was mostly her mother at that point. John stopped mentioning it, though he stopped asking Alice to leave it be.

"You're right, he has to let me live my life. I'm more than a baby factory. I have desires too.

Anyway, did you hear about the New York office yet? I'm so excited for you."

"No, not yet. I should have final word in a couple of weeks. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much."

"Yeah, but it's a great opportunity and just think about all of the action in New York City. Man, I'm jealous."

"Well, all I can do is wait, but yeah it would be fantastic to get it."

*******

"That seals it babe. You have to see a doctor. You've been tossing up in there all morning again."

"It has to be from that tuna the other day. It's just a bit of food poisoning."

"Please let me take you in. You never know."

"Alright, I'll go to the urgent care. My doctor takes forever to get into."

********

"See, it was serious. You don't get prescribed antibiotics for nothing. E.coli is nasty."

"Yes dear. You were right as always."

"C'mon, let's get you some soup."

********

Three days later, Ann was better and they were snuggling in bed when Ann felt John's erection poking her.

"Seems like someone's ready to play."

"It's been a while, love."

"Mmm...it has. Let's take care of that."

Ann turned and kissed him passionately and John made love to her that night. He had no idea that one type of antibiotic that interferes with birth control, is the one that Ann was taking for the e. coli poisoning.

*********

"Ann, I got it!" Tony shouted walking into her office.

"New York? That's great! I'm so happy for you."

"I don't have all of the details yet but it looks like I'll be going out there at the end of next month."

"Wow, moving to New York; God I'm so jealous."

Tony closed her door and said, "Come with me Ann. Dump that asshole and start fresh. Think of all of the exciting things we could do. You know I'm in love with you and I know you, being free, could love me."

"Jesus, Tony. I don't know what to say to that. Please go. I need to get back to work."

*********

Later that night, Ace and Jenny were over visiting John and Ann with their toddler twins. John never had his arms free. One or the other was on his lap or he was rolling around on the floor with them. Ann hadn't seen him this happy in a long time. She was so upset she had to excuse herself. She cried in the bathroom for 10 minutes. How could she carry on the lie of her marriage? How could she continue to deny John what he desperately wanted? Were the thoughts going through her mind, tearing her up inside.

Could she love Tony? Could she walk away from John, her family? Her mother would never forgive her. Her father may hate her. They thought John walked on water, but she had to live her life and not the life they wanted for her.

She decided at that moment to end it.

********

"Hello Mrs. Clayton, what can I do for you today?" Mark Davis her attorney asked.

"Mark, I need to file divorce papers."

The attorney gasped, "What?"

"I want it to be a clean break. Irreconcilable differences. I want no alimony. He keeps his assets, I keep mine. The house is already his. I want no challenges from him. I don't want to have to be in contact with him at all once he is served."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Clayton. When would you like Mr. Clayton served?"

"I'll let you know. I want this kept secret until it's time. I swear if he finds out before, I'll have your head."

"Yes, of course. There will be no leak from us."

"Good, now what will you need..."

Walking to her car after leaving the lawyer, Ann made a call. "Tony, does that offer to go with you still stand?"

********

One week later John walked in the door to a dark house. He flipped on a light and walked into the kitchen. On the counter was an envelope. He tore it open and his world crashed.

John,

I've fallen in love with someone else and we are moving to New York. He was promoted and asked me to go with him and I accepted. I filed divorce papers and you'll get them shortly. Sorry.

Ann

"What a cold, heartless bitch," John thought and tried to figure out what happened. He called her cell and it was disconnected. He called her office and she had quit. He called her parents and got voicemail for both. He had no idea Ann was cheating on him, let alone falling in love with another.

"She must really hate me, to leave me and leave a three sentence letter with no explanation," he thought and broke down crying.

While John was reading that letter, Ann was getting screamed at by her mother.

"Are you crazy? That man has done nothing to deserve this. You cheated on him and are moving to New York? You're out of your mind. We did not raise you to act like this, you... you...SLUT!"

"Enough, Mother. This is hard enough as it is. I haven't slept with Tony yet. I just fell in love with him. We are on the same page with everything. We have more in common than John and I ever had. I can't go on with John wanting to start a family and do nothing about it. I don't want kids. I want to live my life, not a life of servitude for a child."

Jack jumped in, "Please, baby reconsider. It's not too late. We can fix this."

"It's done Dad. My stuff is already on a truck on its way. I'm leaving right from here."

Alice broke down crying. Jack grabbed her in a tight embrace. With his shirt wet from Alice's tears he looked at his only daughter. His baby girl whom he gave every advantage to. Whom he rescued from trouble while she was away at school. Whom he set up for life with a trust giving her wealth. Whom he set up his friend with, to settle her wildness down. "Ann, please go. You've broken our hearts. How you could be so selfish, is beyond my understanding. You need to pray I don't decide to punish your new lover for your actions. I could end his future with a phone call. Leave here now, but remember that you and only you, created this mess."

Ann sobbed and ran out the door to a waiting Tony. "Drive. Don't say a word. Just drive."

***********

During the long drive to New York, Ann hadn't settled down. She cried almost all of the time. When not crying, she and Tony discussed plans, goals, and dreams.

"Tony are you sure about this. I know it's a bit late now, but did I make the right decision?"

"Ann, we're going to be fine. You need to live your life, not the life your mother or your ex-husband want you to live. You're free now. Let's enjoy the greatest city in the world. We could see a show every night. We could eat at the best restaurants. This is a new start of a great life."

"You're right. I'm just an emotional wreck over this. I've been sick to my stomach the last three mornings."

**********

Three weeks later Ann woke up in a cold sweat. "When the hell was my last period?" she thought in a panic.

That morning she went to the drug store and bought a pregnancy test. When she got home she took it and received the shock of her life: she was pregnant. She made an appointment with a doctor and cried. She cried for two hours before Tony came home and found her.

"Ann, what's wrong?"

"I'm pregnant."

"What? How far along are you?"

"I don't know. I don't think I've had a period for three months."

"Jesus, it's John's. You're not going to keep it right?"

"I don't know. It's all so new. I don't know what to do."

"You know I don't want kids, Ann."

"Fuck what you want right now Tony. This is a mess."

"How did it happen. You were on the pill right?"

"Yes, I have no idea. Fuck..." she cried as she broke down in tears again.

**********

"Well, based on the size of the fetus, you're about 12 weeks along," Dr. Singh told her.

"Doc, how could this happen? I was on the pill."

"The pill isn't 100% effective. Did you maybe miss a day or two?"

"No, never."

"Antibiotics, maybe?"

"Shit. I did have an e. coli food poisoning issue and was on an antibiotic."

"That's probably it then."

*********

"Tony, I've decided I'm keeping the baby."

"Are you going back to Chicago then?"

"No. I'm going to have the baby and give it to John. I can't abort it and kill what is one of John's greatest dreams. I can't kill what my mother has been hoping for since the day I got married to John."

"So, you're going to stay with me? I don't want to lose you after finally getting you."

"No, baby. I'm not leaving you. You'll just have to deal with me getting fat for a while."

"Great," Tony thought.

"Hon, I have to call my folks. Can I have a bit of privacy, please?"

"Sure, babe."

Ann called her mother, but got voice mail. "Mom, please call me. It's really important that I speak with you."

Ann tried her father, and got the same thing. "Daddy, please call me. I have to talk with you and mom."

She called John, it rang but no voice mail kicked on. She wondered if he blocked her number. After being served, John told his attorney to not allow Ann to speak with him and under no circumstances was he to relay messages from her. He wanted her completely cut off to live with what she did to her parents and him.

No one returned her calls.

********

"Tony, did you get me the cocoa butter?"

"No, I forgot."

"Damn it. I need it to rub on my skin to help avoid stretch marks."

"Get it yourself then."

"I can barely walk, asshole. I'm 8 months pregnant. Help me out."

"Hey, that's not my fault. I didn't sign up for this shit. I didn't sign on to get you pickles, or pork rinds or ice cream at two in the morning. That shit is on you," he screamed as he walked out the door.

"Fuck!" Ann screamed at no one.

*********

Tony hadn't been home for a week when Ann went into labor. She made it to the hospital on her own and delivered a healthy baby boy. She named him Jonathon Clayton Jr. She thought John would like that.

Several days later, after being cleared to leave the hospital, she was getting dressed when Tony came in the room. She looked at him and said, "You didn't need to come."

"Ann I'm sorry. I was just overwhelmed and stressed out. I'm sorry I walked out and you had to go through this alone. Please, let me take you home."

She walked over and kissed him. She said, "I'm sorry you had to go through it at all. I know nothing has gone according to our plan, but I'm going to go home and give my parents the baby for John. I can't see him, I can't see the look of what I'm sure is hatred in his eyes. Frankly, I don't think my parents will open the door for me, but I have to try. When I get back, we can get on with our plans."

********

Ann arrived at O'Hare four hours later than planned due to weather delays. She summoned an Uber to take her to Barrington, to see her parents. She called from the car but they didn't answer. She hoped they would open their door to her at 11 o'clock at night.

She walked up to the door baby in one arm, baby bag in the other and set the bag down to ring the bell.

She saw the hall light flick on and then the door opened.

"Oh my God," said Jack. Whose baby is that?"

"Please let me in Daddy," Ann said through tears.

"Jack, what's going on? Who is it? Is everything okay?" Alice asked from the stairs.

"It's your daughter dear."

Ann winced at him not saying our daughter.

"You'd better come in."

They walked into the living room where Alice was already standing, when the baby fussed and Alice finally saw Ann and the baby.

"Mom, Daddy, meet John Jr., your grandson."

"Oh my God!" Alice gasped.

"You and that asshole had a baby and named him John Jr. That's awful. You..."

"No Daddy," Ann said cutting him off. "He's John's son. I never had sex with Tony prior to leaving. I promise you, this is John's child."

"Here, Mother, hold him."

Alice walked slowly over and took the sleeping newborn. She looked at him and started crying. She sat down, kissed him and started rocking him.

"I tried to call as soon as I found out for sure that I was pregnant. I guess I was about two months along when I left. No one would call me back." She started crying and realized what pain she truly caused when her father wouldn't even console her. If she ever cried before he would hug her and make it better if he could. Now he just stood and watched.

"I'm leaving the baby for John."

"What?" Her parents said at the same time.

"You're not staying?" Alice said.

"No. Having the baby didn't change my opinion on them. Tony doesn't want children either. We almost broke up over it. If John wants him John can have him. I didn't abort him because I knew John and you, Mother, wanted a baby so badly."

"God, you really have no heart. Where did we go so wrong raising you?" Jack said while Alice sobbed.

Ann started crying and before she could speak, Jack said, with tears in his own eyes, "Well, we have him. You can leave now, but if you walk out that door and go back to your adulterer lover, don't ever come back. You just make sure that your trust never runs out because you're cut off completely now. How you can be so cruel to your child is beyond my understanding."

Ann sobbed, "Daddy, please..."

"Stay or go! Decide now once and for all."

Ann sobbed as she ran out the door and out of their lives.

**********

"Ann, you okay? You're not listening again."

"Sorry, Tony. I'm just lost in thought."

"About your baby?"

"Yes."

"It's been over a year, Ann. You signed away your parental rights. You gave him up. You need to get past this. We have to have a life. You don't leave the apartment. We don't go out at all together and I'm having a hard time with this. Every day I feel like you're thinking of going back home and leaving me."

"No, Tony."

"Well snap out it and prove it then. We came here to start a new life together and you haven't left the old one yet."

"I know. I'm sorry."

**********

Ann couldn't come to grips with her issues.

Tony came home one day and said, "Ann it's over. I can't do this. I can't live with a roommate with benefits. I want an active girlfriend. Every day I fear is the day you're going to be gone. I just can't do it anymore. I've found a place and I'll be leaving tomorrow. I'm sorry."

Ann looked at him and couldn't find any words to stop him. She finally realized the waste she made of her life. She broke down and cried again. Cried for the loss of John, for the loss of her son, for the loss of her parents, but not for the loss of Tony. Tony's crime was falling for a married woman and taking her away from her husband. Perhaps he got the punishment he deserved. He never really had her.

********

Ann worked with a therapist for several months. It took many hard sessions and a lot of tears for her to understand that her primary issue was her narcissism. Ann first and foremost cared about herself and her needs above all others at all costs. Even her love for John was fuel for her self absorbedness. She more than likely loved that John loved her. Ann didn't believe that. She knew what she felt for John was real.

The therapist also said that she may have had a hormonal imbalance causing mild depression during her pregnancy, but she was definitely suffering from post-partum depression. Once she was given medication to help with her issues, her feelings of love for John, and her son hit her even harder. She struggled with this every day. She missed her family, she longed to go home.

*********

Ann rang her parent's door bell. Her mother answered and almost slammed it shut.

"Mom, wait. Please talk with me."

Alice didn't say a word. She opened the door and stepped aside. Ann walked in and stopped in the living room. She sat on the couch and started crying. Jack came in and sat down.

"Well, what is it?" Jack said, not hiding the venom he felt.

"Daddy, I'm so sorry. Mom, please forgive me. I was an absolute fool. It took a long time to see it and it took the help of a therapist to make me fully understand. I've come home. I want to make everything right. I know I can't change my actions and forgiveness is a long way away, but please let me try to atone."

"You have some nerve to show up like this. Did you blow your trust? Oh, that asshole must have run off with it."

"No Daddy. I've got all of my trust. I don't need money. Yes, Tony left, but that isn't why I'm back. He left me last year. I'm back to get my husband back. I'm back to be a mother to my child."

"Ha," Alice chuckled. "You blew that bridge. You're lucky I let you in the door, let alone the reaction you'll get from John. I would advise you to not go there."

"I understand, but I'm better now and I need you and my son more than anything. I'll do whatever it takes. I know it will take time and I'm willing to take it slow. Please don't shut me out."

"Ann, you broke our hearts. I cry over you killing our love for you every day. I had to see a therapist before I finally understood that it wasn't us. It was you, and now you show up wanting forgiveness? I think you should go," Alice said with little emotion.

"I'll go. I don't want to reopen wounds, but I am back permanently. I need to have my family back. I'm so lonely, it hurts. Yes, I know it's my fault, and I'm willing to proceed at your pace. Please let me back in. I have the same number for now, and I'm staying at the Hampton Inn in Schaumburg. Please think it over and let me know. I'm going to try to visit John and beg his forgiveness and beg him to see my son."

"Good luck with that," Jack said sharply.

Ann nodded and said, "I love you both and I am truly sorry."

Ann left and Alice looked at Jack. Jack shrugged his shoulders and said, "You better call John."

*********

"John, Ann was just here. She said that she is back and sorry for what she called the biggest mistake of her life. We told her that it will take more than an apology to come back to our family after what she did to you and then John. She said she was willing to do whatever it takes to get you and John back in her life."