I Hate Myself

The world was crumbling around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. It was like an earthquake in my soul, a tsunami in my brain as the neurotransmitters fired dopamine and serotonin. I had to admit that I was feeling pleasure in this pain, joy in this self-hatred. I had never hated myself more than I did now, but somehow that hatred had filled me with a twisted pleasure. It gripped me, twisting my brain into knots of confusion.

"You enjoying this?" Zander asked, his teeth clenched as he looked over my naked body. I was at his mercy. I had given myself over to him, trusting him. I was his woman now. I had given myself over to him. I let him tell me what to do and how to do it. I let him use my body the way that he saw fit.

"Yes..." I whispered.

"I fucking hate you!" he screamed and he opened my legs and buried his huge, black dick into my pussy. I knew that I disgusted him. I was nothing more than a set of holes to him. It was what I had wanted to be to someone. It was the choice I had made. I submitted to Zander because I wanted him to hate me. He could only give me what I truly wanted when he directed the full force of his hatred toward my body. The thrusts of his huge cock inside me filled with both pleasure and pain. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. His slaps to my face began to batter me from the left and then the right. He used both hands to smack me, still pounding my pussy with his huge dick. There were sounds of pleasure coming from deep inside of me, and there were screams of pain as each blow landed. "Why does this make you cum, you sick little bitch? Huh? "

"I don't know!"

"Think about it, you worthless slut. Why does me hating you make you cum so fucking hard? Why do you like it when I hurt you?" He slapped me a few more times, but he rested his cock inside of me and waited for my answer.

"I don't know!" I screamed again.

"Wrong answer, slut!" He smacked me harder. I was stunned by the force of that blow and I waited for the pain to fill me and then pass. "Why do you like it when I hate you? Think about it before you answer." His eyes had an intensity in them that truly scared me. I realized then that maybe I had let things get a little bit out of hand. Maybe I had lost control, or worse yet, maybe I had lost my mind. Why did I like this? I tried to think about it.

"I hate myself," I whispered. His eyes grew wide and I could see his darkness as he raised his eyebrows.

"Say it louder, Princess! I can't fucking hear you!" He slapped my face again and his cock began to move inside of me again. I let out a cry of approval, happy to have the pleasure of his big cock moving inside of me again. "Say it fucking louder!" He slapped me a few more times and the last one was so hard it whipped my whole face to the side. I let out a yelp of pain. "Answer me!"

"I HATE MYSELF!" I screamed and even I was surprised by the force behind my words. I had screamed out my truth and as if on cue my next orgasm began.

"That's right, bitch! Say it again!" He slapped me and his hand reached up to my neck and choked me.

"I HATE MYSELF!" I cried again and Zander began to laugh.

"You're pathetic. It's very, very sexy. I love pathetic sluts like you. I love that you hate yourself so much that this is what you think you deserve. You deserve to be used as a cock sleeve, as my personal fuck doll. You like that don't you?"

"YES!" I screamed

"You don't deserve me. I'm taking pity on you. This is a fucking pity fuck. Is that what you want?" he hissed at me, pounding my pussy with his cock harder and harder until my whole body was being jarred by his rapid motion.

"No!" I screamed. That wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want a pity fuck. I wanted something else.

"What do you want then, you whore?" he laughed a bit at me, and something about the way he was treating me, the way he was laughing made something inside of me snap. I let out a primal scream as I came again for him. His hand gripped my throat completely and I couldn't breathe. All I could do was hold on and cum my ass off. The choked screams came one after another and I could feel my brain exploding with pleasure as my neurotransmitters fired their poison darts of pleasure in my synapses.

"I want you to hate me. I want to be hate-fucked!" I cried when he had let my neck go enough for me to get the words out.

"Say it again, slut. Tell me what you want!"

"I want you to hate-fuck me!" I screamed.

"My pleasure, princess!" he snarled. "Flip over. I want to fuck your ass, you little fuck slut!" I flipped over and stuck my ass out for him. I waited as he applied lube, which I thought was a nice gesture considering I had just asked him to hate-fuck me. Some guys would have taken that as an invitation to fuck my ass dry. Zander wasn't really a bad guy. He was just being the guy I needed him to be. This wasn't really about him or what he wanted. It was about me and the fucked up things that I had been craving. I had been looking for the kind of guy that could put me in my place. I had been looking for the kind of guy who could make me hurt. Zander knew what I needed and he had given it to me, but as far as I was concerned he had been too lenient, too easygoing. I wanted someone to fucking hate me. I wanted someone to really brutalize me. I wanted someone to fuck me up the way I was already fucked up inside.

What kind of girl hates herself so much that she wants to be hated instead of loved? I had thought about it so many times. I had come to the conclusion that I was broken somehow. There was a piece of me that wasn't right and that was why I hated myself so much that I could only cum when l was being hate-fucked. Making love had never worked for me. I never understood it. As Zander's cock pushed brutally into my ass and he gripped my hair and twisted it around his hand as if it were a length of rope. He pulled me back by the hair onto his cock.

"You're easy to hate you fucking disgusting slut. Look at you! Look at what you're worth! Bounce on my dick with that asshole, you stubborn little cunt!" He was pulling my hair hard enough to make it count and his words hit home. I knew I was about to cum, but I wasn't prepared for the way my pussy began to squirt. I felt a release and there was wetness.

"I just squirted!" I screamed. It was a rare occurrence.

"You are disgusting! You fucking ruined my sheets, you slut!" He pulled my hair harder and I could feel his hate. He really did hate me, or he was a good actor. Either way, I came again, screaming incomprehensible obscenities as he pounded me. I heard the sounds of his orgasm and I was a bit relieved that he had cum. Maybe it was over now and I could leave here with a few shreds of dignity left. He pulled his cock from my ass and I waited for him to give me instructions. I had learned not to do anything without his permission.

"Can I go clean up?" I asked him.

"Not yet, you filthy slut. You need to clean me up first." He laughed.

"You want a blowjob? Now?" I asked, my voice tiny.

"Yeah, get down here and suck my cock clean," Zander ordered me.

"Yes sir," I obeyed and he stood before me as I dropped to my knees.

My mouth wrapped around his cock, desperate for his approval. I sucked him deep down my throat, showing him that I was the kind of slut that deserved to be face fucked nice and hard. I wanted him to hate me as much as I hated myself. I wanted him to want to really hurt me, to push me past the point of no return, to brutalize me. No one in my real life knew that I was like this. No one could see through the fake façade that I showed them. No one would guess that I loved being tormented, choked and brutalized. No one would guess that what I was doing right now was eating my own ass juices off of Zander's dominant cock.

I looked up into his eyes as he pushed his cock further down my throat. I'd been practicing my blowjob skills for years now. I practiced at home in front of the mirror, swallowing dildos like those sword swallowers I'd watched when I was a kid at the county fair. Now I was the sword swallower. Now I was the kind of slut that I had always dreamed of being. I wish I could say I was proud of myself, but as he looked down on me and I took his cock down my throat like a seasoned whore I felt a deep sense of shame and longing. I was ashamed that this was what I had become. I was ashamed that I hated myself so much that the only way I could get off was to take his cock so fucking deep.

I could feel my eyes rolling back into my head as I tried my best to accommodate his huge cock. My spit was everywhere as Zander pushed deep down into my throat. I knew how to suck a big cock. I'd had enough practice over the years sucking and fucking more guys than I could count. I knew I was a slut, and yet it was a secret that no one knew, not even Zander. He was looking down at me with pride as if he was actually impressed.

"Jesus, woman! You sure can suck a cock! You want me to hate-fuck your ugly face too?" he gave me a wink and a smirk. I nodded to show my approval. He grabbed me by the hair, gathering a fistful in each hand. He moved his legs a bit more apart to stabilize himself. He pumped his cock into my mouth, skull fucking the shit out of my face in ways that no man had ever face fucked me. I had never been with a man as brutal as him, a man that wasn't afraid to truly use me and take control. Zander wasn't afraid to actually hate-fuck me.

"Let's rub this all over your face," Zander laughed as he pulled his cock from my mouth and rubbed it all over my face. My throat slime coated my features. I could feel it in my eyes and all over my cheeks. "Fuck!" Zander cried out and before I realized what was happening his cum was spurting everywhere, hitting me in the face. It shot in my eyes and all over my hair. I felt like such a disgusting, gross little slut in that moment. I reached down and rubbed my clit, aching to cum again.

"No, slut. You don't get to cum now. Now open that mouth up. I'm not done with you." I pulled my fingers from my clit. I opened my mouth and he placed his balls directly onto my face. I took them into my mouth and was happy to see I could fit them both in my mouth at the same time. "Now lick them," he encouraged me and so I licked his balls as he used his cock to spread some of his cum all over my face.

"You're easy to hate," he said.

"I know, sir," I agreed.

"The best part is how you hate yourself. It makes it easier to hate you, and to hate-fuck you." He looked like he was almost proud of me for a moment, but then the darkness flashed back across his features and I knew he was going to hit me before he did. The slap stung, but it resonated perfectly with my self-hatred. I deserved this. I desperately sucked his cock for him, indebted to him in ways that no one could understand but us. I needed this. I craved this. I hated myself so much, but I was glad that I did. It was my self-hatred that had led me here to all these orgasms. It was my self-hatred that allowed me to fully submit to Zander. It was my self-hatred that made it all okay. After all, I deserved this. I was nothing more than a disgusting slut, and that was all I ever wanted to be.