I Kissed a Girl

"You were wonderful Sandy, are you sure it is your first time eating a girl out?"

"Flatterer! I just imagined what I like to have done on me and tried it on you."

"Well, I give you passing marks, girl. I have certainly had much worse than that!"

I finally laid down to rest. This was not the way I expected this night to go, but I was still with a happy buzz from the earlier drinks and did not dwell on it much. I made myself comfortable and let Terry spoon me as we prepared to sleep. We made some small talk, but after a few minutes, she stopped talking and fell asleep. As I felt her the rhythm of her breathing behind me, I started to sober up and mull things over. After two long months, I finally felt I was ready to continue with my life.

A couple months ago, my boyfriend, Luke, had proposed to me. While I really loved Luke, and wanted to accept his proposal, I had to ask him to put it on hold. I had been having doubts about my sexuality for the past year, and I did not want to commit until I could find what I really wanted. I enjoyed our intimacy, but it never felt as magical as some people described it, and in the street, girls caught my eye more often than guys, confusing me about my feelings.

I feared that telling Luke the truth would hurt him and make him doubt himself. "Honey, sex with you is nice and all, but it is making me wonder if I am into girls" is something no guy wants to hear. Instead, I told Luke that marriage was an enormous commitment, and one I did not want to take more than once. While I loved him, I was yet not fully sure we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together, so I asked for three months to make up my mind and give him a definitive answer. While Luke was dejected, he loved me enough to comply, as three months could be just a drop in the rest of our lives. I was very apologetic, and I'm sure he appreciated my enthusiasm in bed to make up for it over the next few weeks.

The proposal put a deadline over my head, and I was not sure what to do about it. It would be completely unfair to marry Luke when there was a real chance that I would make us both unhappy. I read a lot on the topic and watched videos about it, but nothing clicked. It did not help that I did not have any homosexual friends, so I could not really compare experiences. I was running out of ideas, so I confided in a couple close friends, including my college roommate, Mary, who lived close to me. Mary told me that her boyfriend's sister, Terry, was a lesbian, and she offered to set up a meeting so I could talk about the issue with someone with firsthand experience. While my intention was to only talk things with her, and get to know her perspective, I had such a good time I did not keep track of my drinking, and she managed to talk me into leaving the bar for her apartment after some heated kisses. We had a couple more drinks there, and sex followed.

The experience had been enjoyable, and I had my share of orgasms, but it did not feel any better than with Luke, even with the aid of alcohol. Giving oral sex to Luke made me feel submissive and powerful at the same time, and receiving it made me shudder in anticipation of what was to come. Terry was very skilled and passionate, but she was far gentler that I liked, and my orgasms came from her skill rather than the mental elements at play. With Luke I felt like a prey, waiting to be caught by the hunter, and I loved it. He could choose to be rough and overpower me, and while he never did, the lingering threat was a big turn on for me. I liked feeling vulnerable, and I loved Luke for making me feel that way but never taking advantage of it.

Thinking carefully about it, I concluded that maybe my expectations about sex were too high. It was a fun activity, but it did not feel like a life changing experience. Maybe I just had a low libido. I could go several times a day when Luke and I were in the mood, but I had no problems remaining celibate for weeks either. All in all, I was pretty sure that Luke was enough for me, and that I could be the wife he deserved. I did not like that I had to have sex with another woman to find out, but I would never tell him about it, and would do my best to make him happy.

I was woken up by the sunlight coming through the window and I realized I must have fallen asleep at some point. I stirred lightly, feeling a mild headache from all the drinking, and felt Terry's body next to me. A deep feeling of shame came over me. How could I betray Luke like this? He had never given me anything but his best, and I slept with someone behind his back. I did not feel great about it but decided that honesty was not the way to go. I did not see a scenario in which he would forgive me and go ahead with the proposal if I confessed. We did not live together, so he would not question me about where I spent the night, and I was not planning on saying anything about it.

"Hey cutie, up for round two?" Terry's voice, and her hand upon my thigh, distracted me from my thoughts. "I could use more of what we had last night, Sandy", she said with a teasing tone.

"Terry... I don't..."

"Oh, regret kicking in?"

"It is not quite like that... I will not say last night was a mistake, I enjoyed it and it helped me make up my mind... but I have realised that I am not a lesbian, and I would like to be faithful to my boyfriend from now on."

"Oh, come on, what is one more time? It is not like you can undo what we already did, and he will be none the wiser!"

"I... just can't. It is hard enough to justify to myself what I did last night, and I would feel even more terrible if we did it again now that I am sure of what I want."

"Ok, ok, I will not pressure you. It is sad you are not up for a repeat performance, but what I got was good enough for me."

"Thanks... it is not about you or what we did... this just is not right for me anymore, if it ever was."

After that, we got out of bed, showered (separately, against Terry's insistence) and had a quick breakfast. I left her apartment with conflicted feelings, but overall hopeful for the future. After a 15-minute walk I made it home, made some coffee, tidied up the place, and called Luke over. I was busy thinking about how to give him the good news when the doorbell rang, and Luke showed up on my doorstep.

"Hi honey!" I said, giving him a kiss. "How was your Friday with the boys?"

Luke was unusually serious and quiet when he answered. "I had fun, but I also discovered that I might have a problem."

"What is it? Do you need my help?" I said, while we went to the living room and took a seat on the sofa.

He looked at me with a certain sadness in his eyes, and my heart went to him. "Thanks, Sandy, but I am still trying to figure out if there is a problem, so nothing can be done at the moment."

"Oh, ok, but if you think I can help, I will be there for you." I said, giving him my sweetest smile. "Anyways, I have some big news that will hopefully make you happier! I have been thinking hard these last months, and I feel I am ready to accept your proposal! I want to be your wife, Luke."

"Huh. I see." Luke said, his face changing to look almost like... anger?

"Is... is there anything wrong? This... was not the reaction I was expecting. You seem almost furious at me. Is this about your problem?"

"It could be. Answer me this, Sandy. Where were you last night?" He glared at me.

"What? I told you I went for drinks with my friends! What has come over you?" I tried to put up a calm and slightly confused expression, but I started to feel very anxious. He could not possibly know, right?

"And who were these friends of yours? Were they even friends or a single friend?" he raised his voice, almost shouting at me. "Look, I'm not going to dance around the subject. I'm not sure you remember my uncle Dave, you only met him once, but he is a barman, and he sent me some very interesting pictures he took last night. Can you explain why you were making out with a woman last night? Can you explain why you left the bar in the same cab? Can you explain why you were not here when I came to demand an explanation at midnight?"

"Oh no, no, no, no... I'm so sorry Luke..." Tears in my eyes at his revelations, I tried to compose myself. "I... I have not been completely honest about what was going on me with me."

"Yeah, I think I have noticed that." He quipped at me.

"Please, let me explain Luke" I begged him. "I am not lying when I say I want to be your wife. The issue I was having was that I was questioning my sexuality. I have been feeling some very confusing things regarding other women lately, and I could not marry you if I thought I was a lesbian."

"And you went and had sex with another woman to prove you are not into sex with women? Is that it, Sandy?"

"No! Well, it turned out that way, but I swear that is not what I was looking for. I have been researching this topic through every angle that I could think of, and I could not reach a conclusion. My deepest fear was to marry you now, and then fifteen years from now, when we are entering our forties and have a couple kids, realise that I was a lesbian and break up our family. I could not destroy your life like that, but I did not want to leave you just because of a possible bad future, so I needed to figure myself out!"

"I understand that, but why could you not come to me and tell me?" Luke finally stopped with the sarcasm, but it was replaced by hurt and pain in his eyes.

"Luke, I could not tell you this. There was nothing you could do to help me, and I felt telling you would only make you doubt yourself, when it was not anything wrong on your end." I sighed. "I am extremely sorry about the whole situation, believe me when I say I really love you and want to be your wife. Terry... she is a friend of Mary, and she is a lesbian. I thought talking with her would give me some perspective about what to do, but I drank more than I realized, and ended up in bed with her. I have had some time to think things over, and I am probably bisexual to some degree, but my concerns are over, and I can fully dedicate myself to you." I gave him a hopeful smile.

"Well, congratulations on finding who you are, but where does that leave us? You betrayed me and had sex with someone else."

"I know, but I promise I did not plan it, only happened because I was drunk, and it was a one-time thing. She wanted to have sex again this morning and I refused!"

"Well, how noble of you, you did not cheat on me even more! Glad to know there is an acceptable amount of cheating out there. Does this mean I can get drunk tonight and bring home a girl from the bar?"

"Luke! No! I am sorry I failed you, and I am willing to do whatever you want to try and fix our relationship, but you cannot fix a relationship by breaking it further!" I was struggling to keep up with what he was saying. He was completely right, of course, but if we were to put this thing past us, further cheating was not the way. "Look, why not focus on the positives? I am now certain I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I will prove it. I am willing to try anal sex if you want, and well, if you ever want to have a threesome with another girl, I guess I would be ok with it?" I was becoming desperate to turn this around and did not know what to tell him. He laughed at me.

"Is that your answer? Fuck your way back into my good graces? Cheat on me and let me take your ass as an apology?"

"I did not mean it that way... I am unsure how to prove myself to you, and those are just the first things that came to mind. If you want, I will let you read all my messages and track my phone, or any other suggestions that you have."

"And become your jailer? I am sorry, but that is not how I want to live." He sighed. "Sandy, in these two months you might have realised I am the ideal husband for you, but I have also realised you are not the ideal wife for me." That got my attention. He could not be implying... "Remember when you became obsessed about French culture and went to Paris on vacation? You knew I could not take a week off from work at that time, and you knew I wanted to go with you, but you were not willing to wait a year to go together. And what happened next year? You had already gone to France and did not want to spend so much again, so we just did a road trip, and I never went to see France."

"If you really want to, we could go there in our honeymoon, Luke." I said, tears starting to fall down my face. This was not going how I expected. By now I should have been wearing his ring and elated about planning our wedding!

"It is not about France. Remember when you went big about yoga last year? I was working all week except Saturdays, and you went and booked that yoga class precisely on Saturdays, cutting our only time apart by half, despite me begging you not to."

"Well, yeah, but she is the best instructor in the city and that is when she had her class! And eventually she moved it to Wednesdays!"

"You could have just signed up for any other instructor, and you know it, but that is not the point. The point is that at every turn, you will put your needs and wants above mine. You put yourself first and our relationship second. Every new obsession in your life takes priority, and I am an afterthought. What if your next obsession is to become a mother before I agree to have kids? Do I need to make sure you do not poke holes in our condoms, or make sure that you take the pill?"

"Luke, I..."

"No, let me finish. The point in all of this is that you cannot be trusted. It is bad enough that you cheated on me, but there is a bigger problem lying underneath. You will take the selfish choice every time it is presented to you, even if it hurts our relationship. Just as the scorpion will sting the frog and drown, it is in your nature to go ahead with your impulses, even if they hurt others around you, or yourself." He calmed himself a bit before continuing. "It is really on me. The signs were all there, and I never paid attention. You want to live an impulsive and carefree life, and I am not built for that. I deserve better. I deserve a partner that, when faced with choices that affect our relationship, carefully considers the effects their actions might have on me." He said, standing up.

"Please, please, honey, I can be that person. I promise I will never cheat on you again, Luke! I swear on my life."

"There are more ways to cheat than with sex, and we both know you will not hold yourself to that. It does not matter, anyways. Cheated upon people ask how can they trust their partners not to hurt them again, but I find it a moot point. If you get stabbed, the priority is to treat the wound, not to prevent future stabbings. You have hurt me deeply already, the promise of not hurting me again in the future does not take away from that."

"Luke... I am so sorry..."

"I hope you have a good life, Sandy. It just will not be with me." And with that, he closed the door to my apartment, and our relationship.

Epilogue

It has been two years since then, and I have dated some, but I still have not found the right person for me. I have been visiting a therapist, and have made great improvements for myself, so I hope I can make right by my next partner, whenever I find them.

Today, however, is not a good day. I logged in into Instagram, and there was a picture of Luke with his new wife, in front of the Louvre. I cried myself to sleep for what should have been if not for my own fault.

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I see the end of stories as an opportunity for an author to break the fourth wall and speak directly to the readers, talking about our motivations and thought processes behind the tale.

I write whenever inspiration hits me with an idea, and I write the story based on that one moment I base the story around. In my first story, that was the daughter breaking contact with the mother. In my second story, it was about the accident. This third story is probably less original than those two, as it is based around an impulsive partner's "just once" but it is my first attempt at writing real characters over tropes, and longer dialogues. It is also my first attempt to write a longer story, although I did not expect it to be this long when I started, the tale just evolved. Writing is a great way to improve my English too, as rereads of the stories let me see where I overuse certain words or expressions, and helps me add some variety. I also seem to include twice as many commas as needed, and my autocorrector reminds me of it constantly.

I also understand now why many authors get a bit protective of their characters. Sandy in this story is not necessarily a bad person. She is impulsive and a bit selfish, but had things gone slightly different, she could have had a happy life with Luke. I expect there will be people reading this that will despise her, but I my intention was to make the reader to feel at least a little pity for her (which does not mean she does not deserve what she got).

On the broader topic of Loving Wives category, I have been a reader for over almost a decade now, and I wanted to clarify a wrong impression I might have given so far. All my submissions so far lean towards the BTB category, but I do not think it is inherently better or that I like it more, but rather I think it is easier to write, and I'm just starting to get the hang out of this. For a reconciliation ending to work satisfactorily, you need to do some serious character writing to make it believable, whereas a BTB ending just needs the reveal, the confrontation (or the revenge), and a brief epilogue to work, and it works perfectly well with archetype trope characters.

I would like to write a reconciliation story that pushes the envelope, the deepest betrayal I can think of that it is still believable to reconcile after, while keeping the dignity of the cheated upon spouse (and this last point is where many RAAC stories fail for me, reconciliation can happen, but the work should be on the part of the cheater, it should not feel like they "won"). I'm not there yet, but maybe in a few stories I will feel I can write something like that successfully.

To finish off, I just want to mention that I read all comments, so I want to thank the people who have reached out and left messages, and I'll keep trying my best to write entertaining stories. I also want to encourage anyone thinking of writing to try it, as it can be quite fun.