I Kissed a Girl Ch. 11

Later that day while we were munching on pizza, she confessed that she'd been watching me all semester and had just been biding her time. She just had to know if I was curious or serious about being a lesbian. I told her I had my own confession: I needed to know what the fuck she was studying in college. She just smiled, said she was going to be a veterinarian, and gave me a kiss while stroking her hand over my inner thigh.

We dated until the middle of spring semester. I tried really hard to have feelings for her. I just never could get any connection beyond the sexual. No matter how much I learned about her...shared about myself. Maybe she felt that, too. Or maybe I'd just been a conquest to confirm the questions in her head. I wasn't too fazed when she told me she would be moving on to the vet school after graduation. That she hoped there weren't any hard feelings and she wished me luck.

For the next three years, I dated off and on. The whole spectrum from femmes to butches. Some were more like me who were just in it for the sex. Others were more demanding for a deeper relationship. But I just never felt what they felt, and we always parted ways.

I resolved that I would either have to be satisfied with a perpetual cycle of fleeting, superficial relationships...or being single the rest of my life.

###

After graduation, I decided I needed a change of scenery. I ended up on the East Coast working at Smith College as a financial analyst. A nice job that also allowed me to feel more comfortable in my skin. Northampton, Massachusetts, the location of the school, had a high per capita of lesbians, making the atmosphere perfect.

The office kept a pretty steady pace year round. I enjoyed working with most of my colleagues. To those who asked, I was upfront about my preference for women. But I never hit on anyone, and no one ever hit on me. One of those things HR frowned upon, I guess, though I'm sure it wasn't unheard of behind closed doors.

We had our little group that went out to lunch during the week or for drinks on Fridays. Sometimes, there was the occasional concert or event downtown. But I spent a lot of time unwinding alone at home.

There were a few clubs I'd learned about. Checked out. Felt nostalgic for some of the dates I'd gone on back home. Wistful when I saw couples dancing or making out. Yet despite the plethora of potential dates around me, I chose to stay single. Because ever since I'd moved, I realized I wanted a meaningful relationship. I just didn't have the time.

I worked my way up to being a senior analyst over the years. Took on more responsibilities. Which included mentoring the chosen intern who passed through the department each fall semester. I'd received a notice on Friday with the latest candidate's information. So I was at my desk earlier than usual Monday morning.

The one nice thing about my office is that it was away from the others. I could concentrate on the numbers...the reports. There was another office next to mine, it was just empty since the guy who'd worked in there for the past decade had retired at the end of the previous school year. We'd not talked a whole lot, but there were the occasional times we'd stopped in each other's doorway to shoot the bull. Ever since his departure, I'd felt isolated. I looked forward to having someone new to talk to.

I'd been there maybe thirty minutes when the chatter of two people—one voice unfamiliar—signaled that my intern must have arrived. I was flipping through the folder that had been left on my desk one last time when Patty, the department's secretary, knocked on my open door.

I waved them in. "Come in, ladies."

"Your eight o'clock." Patty turned to the wiry woman with stylishly-short black hair beside her and said, "Welcome to the department."

The new employee nodded and stopped behind one of the upholstered chairs across from me, her hands clasped in front of her.

Patty held out a small pile of papers. "Here's the rest of her paperwork. No mail yet."

I rounded my desk. "Thanks, Patty."

"Let me know if you two need anything." She nodded with a smile then retreated down the hallway.

"Welcome. I'm Meredith Swallow." I set the papers aside and took in my protégé. She looked only slightly younger than my thirty-two years. Atypical when it came to the gap between the employees and the students. Maybe she'd started late. At least she knew how to dress. The last one had worn jeans and a wrinkled T-shirt his first day. This one looked professional but casual in loose khakis and a fitted polo shirt. My brain did a slight jerk when I realized I'd been staring at her waist and chest too long. Her slight smile widened a fraction. "We're on a first name basis around here, if you're an employee. You can call me Meredith or Mer. Just not Ms. Swallow."

The intern took my outstretched hand. "Joanie. Joanie Maserati. Like the car."

She had a strong, warm shake. Exuded confidence. I liked that. Hopefully, that meant she wouldn't take crap from anyone around the department. There were a couple of guys who liked to remind me I was still a woman despite my title and seniority.

Our hands were still linked when our eyes finally met. Something pinged inside of me. That's the best way to describe it. I stopped breathing for a second. I didn't even blink. The whole room disappeared. It was just me and her standing there.

All of my childish thoughts seemed to smack me in the face. Was this love at first sight? How could I have been so wrong for so long?

Joanie relaxed her grip. Our hands detached. The world returned to normal.

The moment wasn't gone, though. I still felt the zing somewhere deep inside. Realized I wanted more of it. Lots more. But I was her boss. Any type of relationship outside the supervisor/employee roles was definitely frowned upon. She could get expelled. I could lose my job.

Besides, who was to say she was even into women? Or if that, me? So she smiled when she caught me staring too long. Maybe it was a coping mechanism whenever she was embarrassed.

It was best to suppress any feelings and stick to being professional. That's what we were here to do...be.

I made it back around to my chair despite my wobbly legs and sat down. Gestured for her to take a seat as well. And somehow, we made it through the morning without me acting or sounding like a complete moron with her first crush. Even though I could still see her emerald-green eyes when I closed my eyes for any length of time.

Joanie said she had daily lunch plans on campus when I asked, but she'd work to rearrange them to be able to go with those of us in the department at least some of the time. We broke for an hour—during which I stared into space and barely ate my sandwich—then got back to work for the afternoon.

Tuesday morning, she showed up early, dressed in a navy pantsuit that was similar to my light gray one. I suppressed the soft moan that crept up my throat. Outwardly, I nodded my approval before leading her to the conference room for the monthly department meeting. Inwardly? My heart was racing. And I couldn't stop swallowing. Thankfully, I'd brought in a cup of coffee, which helped me disguise the latter.

I didn't have to think of something to tune out the department head's nasal monologue today. After introductions and an update from my area, I just kept covertly studying my intern beside me. How the fitted dress shirt hugged her curves. That the cut of her hair fell perfectly just above the collar. God, she was gorgeous. And God, I had it bad. After only two days. What the hell?

By Friday, we'd gotten her set up in the empty office. It was so much more convenient than trying to share mine like I'd had to do the past three students. She was a quick learner. Seemed to enjoy the job. And she made working in the back of that hallway much less lonelier.

We met at a favorite bakery of mine that morning, as I'd requested. I'd explained that I liked to get off campus at least once a week with my intern. It provided a neutral place to discuss anything on their mind, work or personal related.

The next six weeks went about the same way. When Joanie went with us to lunch, I made it my goal to include her in the conversation, even if she didn't contribute. While she'd been open to talking with me in my office, I found that she was quiet around others. Maybe because she'd just grown to trust me.

She didn't seem to be withdrawn around them. A better term would be observant. If not watching, she seemed to be always listening. On the rare times I'd seen her smile, her face beamed. She just seemed indifferent otherwise.

At first, our one-on-one meetings were more sipping and nibbling than chatting. But as the weeks went on, she opened up. I found I looked forward to those times as it was a joy to listen to her voice, no matter what she talked about.

Joanie revealed that she'd already gotten her bachelor's degree at Amherst and had transferred to Smith to get her master's in finance. That explained her age. The fact that she was only with us until December and was graduating mid-year. She also had a large extended family but no siblings. Never had pets growing up but she'd adopted two painted turtles once she had gotten her own apartment. She loved thunderstorms but hated overcast days. Preferred to rent movies than watch them in the theaters. And she liked pineapple on her pizza, but only if it was paired with ham.

At one such meeting midway through the semester, we were discussing how jobs these days made it difficult to date. I had been saying that the hours sometimes left me exhausted. But that was mostly due to me being a workaholic. With the right person, I'd probably make the time for them.

"So how long has it been since you've had a significant other?" Joanie asked between bites of her scone.

I squinted, thought for a moment, and then shrugged. "At least six or seven years. Probably longer if I really thought about it. Not that the women out here aren't my type. I just wanted to get settled into my job. Then I made excuses for not going out to the clubs. After a while, I got used to not trying."

Joanie gave me one of those smirks I'd gotten used to seeing when she found something humorous. "So...you're gay?"

"Who isn't in Northampton?" I gave her a nod when she arched an eyebrow. "What about you?"

"Significant other or gay?"

I shrugged. "Both."

She smiled wider over the rim of her cup. "Both."

My chest got tight suddenly. I managed to keep up a mostly casual façade for the rest of our meeting. It wasn't until I was alone in my office that I started kicking myself for falling for the one person who wasn't available. My fucking luck.

Problem is, the more time I spent with Joanie, the more I was attracted to her despite knowing she was off limits. The more the stirring within made me want to pursue a relationship.

We still had a little over two months to go. I had to hold it together until she was gone.

###

The following week, we were walking back to our offices after lunch when Joanie asked me a question no one ever had.

"Do you believe in fairytales, Meredith?"

I scrunched up my nose and scoffed, even though I had a good idea where she was going. "What, like magic and fairy godmothers?"

"No. More like waiting for Prince Charming? Or Princess Charming in your case?"

I sighed. "I've never been one for romance. Hearts and flowers and all that shit. Happily ever after? My experience has shown me it doesn't really exist. At least not for me. Then again, I used to think that love at first sight wasn't real, either."

"What changed your mindset on that?"

We'd reached my office. I stopped in the doorway and held her emerald gaze. Gave her a wistful smile. Barely refrained from touching my palm to her cheek. "I met someone."

The corner of her mouth turned up, too. "But it wasn't meant to be?"

"I'm not in the position to find out."

Her eyes grew a little blurry. Or maybe that was mine. Then she nodded and we parted ways.

###

It was a typical Wednesday around the office in late October. We were kept busy compiling a monthly report. When lunchtime came, I asked Joanie if she wanted to join me. It was one of the rare occasions when the rest of my group had to bow out for one reason or another. I expected her response to be that she already had plans. She always did on Wednesdays. But I still made it a point to extend the invitation. Just in case.

"Thank you, Meredith, but I'm meeting my fiancée." Joanie dropped her gaze from mine and seemed to tuck her chin to her chest a little. "Would it be a problem if I took an extra half-hour today?"

My brain was still stuck on her saying that word. Fiancée. I'd know for a couple of weeks now who she was meeting all those times she skipped lunch with the group. That her girlfriend had been the reason for her transferring here. But hearing her say she was also engaged? And to know she wanted more than the usual sixty minutes with this woman? My jealousy burned deeper than ever before.

"Meredith?"

I blinked. Her request finally registered between my ears. Since I knew we'd be crunching numbers the rest of the day, a little more time over a meal beforehand wouldn't matter. "Sure, that's fine."

She gave me one of those partial smiles I loved so much, and then she was gone.

I just stared at the empty doorway where she had stood. Told myself that I was happy for her to be getting married. Then I grabbed my purse and jacket and headed off to my lunch plans...by myself.

With ninety minutes to eat, I could have gone home. I should have gone home. Because it would have saved me a lot of heartache. But I'd wanted to go someplace where I wasn't alone with my thoughts. So I ended up at a restaurant I hadn't been to in a while.

Seated at a table for four with three empty chairs and place settings staring at me, I buried my head in social media on my phone with one hand. The other was absently pushing my fork through my salad, occasionally lifting a bite to my mouth. It took me a minute to realize the overly-loud woman on the other side of the partition was upset. I wouldn't have wanted to be the receiver of those sharp words.

"We've been together for over two years. Haven't I been patient enough? You're done with this damn degree in a few weeks. Enough with school. You agreed to marry me eight months ago. We need to start talking about our wedding. Planning the rest of our lives together. And don't even start with the grandpa bullshit. You're an adult. Make your own damn decisions for once in your fucking life."

"Davina—"

"No, I'm putting my foot down. You're staying here."

"But I have to go back to Italy and work for a year."

My ears perked up. I knew that second voice. The almost apologetic one, not the hypocritical one.

"Listen here, honey. I already told you twice I'm not moving to Italy. I have a job and a life here."

"But I promised, Davina."

"You also promised to go to lunch with me every day, but you've broken that vow. Are you backing out of our engagement, too? Is that what this is all about? You want out?"

"No! I told you, I'm eating with my coworkers."

"Well, tell your boss 'tough shit.' You're not going to be working there much longer. No need to get all comfy with those people. You've got me, and that's all you need. Isn't that right?"

"Yes, Davina."

The conversation shifted when a waiter asked what they wanted to eat. But as soon as he said he'd go place their orders, Davina was right back at it.

"Now, tonight, I want you to start looking at wedding dresses. Bring some ideas tomorrow. And start wearing the ring I bought you. I didn't pay a fortune for it to sit in the box."

Heat rushed up my neck and cheeks. My hands fisted on the tabletop.

I knocked over my water glass when my waitress returned with the rest of my order, startling me. I apologized while she told me not to worry about it. She mopped up the puddle of water with my napkin and said she'd be right back with a clean one. I only half heard her because I was still processing two very important things.

One, Joanie was on the receiving end of those daggers.

Two, her fiancée was a controlling bitch of the worst kind.

A jumble of emotions swirled in my stomach, making it difficult to eat. Mostly, it was anger. That the person that had snagged the one woman I had connected with—desired to be with—apparently didn't appreciate or respect her in return.

I also felt powerless. I wanted to march right over there and put this Davina in her place. But I couldn't. It would be inappropriate with our current positions. Because as much as I would be doing it for the fact that Joanie deserved so much better, I feared that my true emotions would come out and show that I was fighting for her for personal reasons.

But ultimately, I was frustrated that I hadn't seen any signs of the apparent verbal abuse. That I had failed to protect the woman I claimed to care about from this person...this situation. A strange sense settled on me that despite my fears, I needed to save Joanie. If only for her own sanity.

I knew I couldn't just bring this up at work. She would have no idea that I had heard their mostly one-sided conversation. But I still had to try. Somehow.

###

Two days after the conversation in the restaurant, that 'somehow' still hadn't presented itself.

Joanie was definitely withdrawn. She had been since Wednesday afternoon. After lunch, she'd gone into the spare office next door and worked quietly until it was quitting time. I had gotten a halfhearted wave from her when she walked down the hall on the way out. The same thing had happened Thursday.

I'd been in a funk myself, which was unacceptable in my opinion. I should have risen above my emotions and moved on. She was my intern. She wasn't even an option to be in a relationship with me, regardless of her status with that other woman.

Joanie didn't shown up for our one-on-one at the bakery Friday morning. I grabbed two coffees, some pastries to go, and then returned to work. She wasn't in her office, but her coat was on the back of her chair, so I knew she was there. Somewhere. I deposited a cup and a bag with her favorite scone on her desk then went to work on collating the copies of the final report.

It was late in the morning when I heard crying from the spare office. She didn't even look up when I walked in the room, closed the door, and sat down across from her. It was backwards from what I was used to, but maybe it would give her a little more confidence sitting in the seat of authority.

"Joanie?" I bit my lip to stop myself from adding 'sweetheart.' After a couple of deep breaths, I asked, "What's wrong?"

Her eyes blinked a few times. "It's nothing. Just personal shit."

My fingers twitched. Oh, how I wanted to reach out and grasp her hands. Comfort her. But I forced mine to stay in my lap. Even after licking my lips a few times, my own usual confidence failed me. Best to just get it over with. "I know I'm your boss. But I hope you think of me as a friend, too, by now. If there's something you want to talk about, I promise...it stays between you and I."

She just nodded.

"I'm here if you need me." When she remained silent, I stood. I had my hand on the door handle when she sighed, her breath shaky, probably from her crying.

"You promise?"

I froze. Closed my eyes at the unexpected nervousness in her voice. Turned back to see her watching me with those eyes. The dampness from her tears made them sparkle like jewels. It hurt to swallow. I hoped to God I sounded sincere. "Yes, Joanie. I promise. Anything you tell me? I won't tell anyone."

She nodded again. After a long moment of silence where she stared at the papers on the desk, she said, "My girlfriend and I had a fight. We got engaged in March, but I've been putting off making any plans. Haven't been wearing the ring, which pissed her off even more."