I Shall Be Released

"Hi, I'm Henry Pike, Rosalyn's husband. You must be Abigale."

"Abbie," I said automatically as my hand disappeared into his huge paw. I smiled, because he just radiated with good feelings, then smiled a little bigger when I thought of the old adage, 'big hands, big feet, big penis', and wondered how tiny Ros could take him. He smiled when I heard another door slam. A man who looked slightly familiar came around the truck, and as he got close, I recognized him. It was Kyle, and I instantly made the connection. Ros and Henry were his parents.

"Hi, Kyle. You're up awfully early." I knew he played last night, and the bar didn't close until one.

"Yeah," he grinned, "something about planter boxes and a pushy little girl got me up early."

I was about to apologize to him when I saw Carrie grinning. They declined coffee, wanting to get done before it got hot. Kyle had already measured and cut everything, and once we decided where to best put them, they went together easily. I couldn't help grinning when I saw Carrie, a look of concentration on her face, as she ran a screw gun, fastening the boxes together under Henry's watchful eye. There were four of them, a pretty good amount of space. Thanking them when they finished, I promised I'd get compost and topsoil at the garden center, to finish them off.

"No, you won't," said Kyle, as Ros came up in another pickup truck, "it would cost you a fortune. We got it handled."

The bed of the truck was full of woods dirt, composted cow manure, and topsoil. He and Henry started pulling branches of a tree we'd had cut years ago, layering the bottom of a bed with it. Then came a layer of leaves, really thick. Then came the soil mix.

"It's called huglekulture. It's a technique that utilizes whatever is available. The wood and leaves will rot down over time, providing more compost, and it holds water much better than a standard bed. We don't use chemical fertilizers or pesticides, but that would be your choice. We only have enough soil for two beds, but we'll bring another load tomorrow, after church."

"You got to church?"

He looked surprised. "Don't you?"

I hadn't gone in years. After Beau, I kind of lost my faith. Carrie was listening to everything, and before she thought she blurted out "can we go with you?"

"That's up to your mother, baby. If she doesn't want to go and gives permission, we'll stop by and get you."

She did her puppy dog eyes imitation. "Please, Mom?"

He saw the reluctance in my eyes and gave me an out. "You guys think about it. I need to go; us old guys need a nap before going to work tonight. You got the list of plants I gave you?"

Her eyes lit up. "Uh-huh. Mom and Grandma are going to take me to get them this afternoon."

Well, that was news to me and Mom, and I thought about it as she gave them all hugs, kissing Ros. She looked like she was going to burst from happiness. Carrie waved until they were out of sight and Mom grinned at me. "He's single, you know."

"Mom, stop, just... stop. Please?"

She hugged me and promised. I think now she may have had her fingers crossed behind my back.

*****

Carrie went a little crazy at the garden center, talking the ears off the man helping us. He was older, maybe a retiree who wanted a little extra cash or just to get out of the house, and he was really patient with her. We'd done the math, and she could put six tomato plants in one bed, but he talked her out of it, suggesting she put three in one bed and three in another, along with companion plants that tomato pests didn't like. She ended up with a six pepper plants, three hot, three mild, and marigolds, another natural pest deterrent and pollinator attractant. Carrie also got three zucchini and three cucumber plants for another bed. The last one was reserved for green beans, and her helper recommended a stringless bush type, and sold her a quarter pound of Tenderettes, more than enough for her little bed.

Her enthusiasm far overreached her skill, but finally they were planted, watered in, and ready to grow. Her pride in her accomplishment was heartwarming to watch, and when she asked if she could use the computer, not to play games like usual, but to watch gardening tips, I was really impressed.

The first thing she did after she got home every day was check her garden. Then she researched cucumber trellises, and I wasn't really surprised to see Henry and Kyle show up with a half a truck bed of bamboo and a roll of twine. Meticulous as always, he had precut the supports, and after anchoring the uprights to the bed, they let Carrie place the crossbars, and Kyle showed her how to affix the twine, teaching her some simple knots. Two weeks later she was excited to watch the vines climb towards the sun.

Carrie was going to church with Ros and Henry every Sunday now, waking me at eight to help her get ready. She made new friends in Sunday School, and would talk about them constantly. So far, I hadn't gone with her, but then she hit me with a special request.

"The church picnic is next Sunday, Mom. Would you and Grandma please go with me?"

How do you say no to a request like that? To honor the occasion both Mom and myself got new dresses, and Carrie got a new short set that she wanted to wear all the time, but I wouldn't let her put it on until Sunday. We were about ready to leave when a big SUV pulled into the driveway. Carrie smirked. "I forgot to tell you, but we'll be riding with Uncle Kyle. That's all right, isn't it?"

There was no way to refuse gracefully, and Kyle had on a nice suit, so we got in. There was little talk as we drove, but Kyle seemed content with that. We had gone early enough to catch Sunday School, and I found myself with a group of people our age or younger, and the discussion for the day was about forgiveness. Kyle got a turn, and he talked about how hard it was to forgive the man who killed his wife. He had come to terms with it, knowing it was just a random accident. Then he shocked them all when he talked about how long it took him to forgive God for taking his wife.

The leader turned to me and asked if there was anything I'd like to share. "My ex-husband was an abuser who put me in the hospital three times, and knocked out then five-year-old daughter unconscious before I finally found the courage to walk away. He's due to get out of jail in less than a year and I spend a lot of time terrified for that time to come. Tell me, if you have any words of wisdom, how I could possibly forgive him?"

There was a moment of stunned silence while the woman tried to think of something to say. To everyone's' surprise, Kyle spoke up. "You can't forgive him, not yet. Your heart isn't ready, but you'll know when the time comes. I can't even pretend to understand the hell you went through, but you must be strong to have survived it and raised such a great daughter. For those of you who don't know, Carrie is Abby's daughter. Would it be possible for us to hug you?"

I got a hug from all eighteen men and women in the group. Many of the women were crying for me, and they all promised they would pray for me and my family. Kyle hugged me last, wrapping me gently in his arms. It felt really, really good.

Then it was off to preaching, and I was not surprised to see Mom, Ros, and Henry in one pew, with Kyle and Carrie in the one in front. The intent was obvious, so I sat down beside my daughter. The reverend was a gentle man with a homespun manner, that made you want to be good just to please him. He ended the sermon with a warning to be careful out in the world, and if you got a chance to help someone lost, to do it. I glanced down during the final prayer, to see Carrie with her head bowed, holding tightly to my hand. And Kyles'.

She almost skipped out of the church when it was over. The preacher, in the time-honored Southern tradition, stood at the door and shook the hand of everyone old enough to understand the gesture. Carrie was bubbling, telling him she had to go help Grandma Pike set up the dessert table.

"I made M&M cookies!"

He grinned. "You make sure you save me one, all right?"

I'll save you two," she said giggling, before running into the annex.

"She's a lovely girl."

"Thank you, Reverend, I think church has been good for her."

"It' not church, he said, surprising me. It's family. This is a place where she feels she belongs, where she's safe. A church is just a building, but what's inside is what makes all the difference."

He was grinning as he said it, and it occurred to me the man was a lot more than he appeared. He talked to Kyle and Henry for a second, before Carrie came rushing back to me. "Come on, Mom. I need help."

She had me by my hand, practically dragging me along, and I waved bye as left. The annex was a hotbed of activity, women going to and fro with a determined look. The meal was going to be outside, under the trees, but the ladies wanted it as fresh as possible, and potato salad does not do well in the bright sun.

When Carrie told me we were expected to donate a dish, her earnest face made me want to do something a little better than normal. I made a casserole every once in a while, with a lot of chilies, onions, tomatoes, and hot sauce, with fresco and pepper jack cheese, that Carrie loved. I made two versions, one with chicken, and one with tiny strips of beef, in the biggest casserole dishes we had. Mom decided to make something as well, buying ten pounds of chicken breasts that she cut into strips, fried lightly in a spice blend, then putting them into a pot with butter and wing sauce. I hoped no one had sensitive stomachs.

I was tasked with helping put disposable table cloths on the tables, and prepping the drink table. My friend Katie was helping me, grinning in happiness. "So then, you and Kyle?"

"No, no me and Kyle. I like him, he seems a good man, but he's never expressed any interest in me, and I'm just not ready for a man in my life right now."

Katie really wanted us to get together for some reason. I think the main thing is her husband Doug and Kyle were really good friends, and married people don't like singles in their circle. It disturbs their sense of order.

"Don't sell the man short, honey. He may not say much, but when you're together his eyes seem to follow you. Maybe you need to bump him a little."

I looked up suddenly and noticed his eyes were on me. Of course, Carrie had him by the hand, dragging him forward. "Come on, Mom, it's time to eat."

The tables seemed to groan under the weight of the food, and the chatter weas a dull roar. Kids of all ages swirled around, and most were eyeing the food, especially the dessert table.

The Reverend called us together, giving a short prayer, thanks for the food and fellowship, hopes for the future, but it was short and to the point. The ladies had an informal agreement, and we made sure the kids were served first. I was going to help Carrie but Mom and Ros had swooped in, putting her between them. I had warned Carrie not to let her eyes overload her stomach, but her plate was still heaped pretty high. Then we assisted any of the elderly who weren't quite up to standing in line, getting their preferences and bring it to them. The eighty-year-old I assisted cried a little, and I got the impression she didn't get enough companionship in her life. She gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I got a plate and Katie waved me over. Kyle got up and moved so I could sit between them. I looked up to see Carrie literally shoveling food into her mouth, but Mom and Ros were grinning as they watched us. Kyle must have seen it to because he leaned close to me, a slight grin on his face. "Am I being paranoid, or do you suspect a conspiracy as well?"

"Your mother is wondering what kind of wedding dress to make, mine is mentally measuring you for the tux."

He chuckled, a warm little laugh that brought a grin to my face. "Mom is a big fan of lace and pearls."

"Mine has a fixation for the old Bond movies, so I imagine she'll have you in a tuxedo out of the sixties, down to the bowtie and the gleaming white shirt."

"We'll make what they call a handsome couple. Even flaws I have will be eclipsed by your beauty."

I flushed to my roots, wondering about the smooth words coming out of his mouth. Katie derailed the conversation by going on about my casserole. She'd tried a small portion of both. Her husband had a large serving of the beef. "I need to find out who made this and get the recipe."

"I'll email it to you."

"You made this?"

"Please don't look so shocked Katie. Yes, I made it."

"Well, you did good, hon. Right, Doug?"

Doug made approving noises; his mouth full. We hit the dessert table afterwards. I thought I'd be so full that desert wasn't an option until I got there. It took me forever to decide between black walnut or fresh coconut cake, but coconut won. Kyle got a slice of the black walnut, as well as two of Carrie's cookies. Carrie grinned when she saw them. I guiltily got one as well, so I wouldn't disappoint her.

She abandoned the parents and sat between us, holding a plate that had a slice of lemon pie, as well as a slice of chocolate. I thought it was a lot for a little girl, but she surprised me by insisting we share everything. My coconut cake was excellent. Then I tasted the black walnut and reconsidered my choice. Carrie was shoving forks full of pie at us, and I really loved the chocolate, but Kyle preferred the lemon. Carrie managed to get chocolate on her cheek, and Kyle wiped it off with his finger, then licked it clean. It had her giggling, so I leaned over and licked the remainder off. She squealed with laughter, and it occurred to me this was the happiest I'd ever seen her.

I was surprised when it was over to see the men cleaning the tables and picking up trash. The ladies handled the left-over food and Tupperware seemed to blossom like flowers after a rain. Mom had come prepared, and we got two of food, and two of desserts. We wouldn't have to cook for a couple of days. It seemed that a lot of care went into packaging for the elderly, making sure they got to enjoy the food for days to come. I think I was hugged more that day, mostly from people I'd never met, than any other time in my life.

.............................................

Later, at home, I thought about the day. I had mixed feelings about religion, and my husband had taught me that it didn't matter how much you prayed for help, sometimes you didn't get it. It made me wonder if God didn't care about me, why should I bother with Him? It kind of shocked me when I thought about it, how cynical and distrusting I had gotten. Maybe Beau had beaten my faith out of me. Maybe I didn't have much to begin with. On the other hand, Carrie was blossoming like I always hoped she would.

She spent her days with Ros now. It helped her with her own garden, which she took meticulous care of, not letting a weed or blade of grass invade her kingdom. I have a picture of her in raggedy old cut offs, and a worn tee. It was her 'getting in the dirt' uniform, and she was holding the first cucumber of the season, the very first thing she'd ever grown.

I tripled what I was giving Rosalyn, ignoring her complaints. I knew she didn't need the money, but fair was fair. Mom would often go over when she got off, spend an hour or so with them, and would have her home by the time I got home. When Henry was home, she followed him around, helping him with projects. She brought home a very nice birdhouse, which she had helped build, and waited anxiously while Henry dug the hole and set it.

She told me if birds were around, they would eat the insects that might harm her garden. I suspected they would eat the beneficial ones as well, but held my tongue. Henry warned her as late in the mating season as it was, she might not get anything nesting in it, but six days later a pair of little brown birds had taken up residence. Henry brought over a camera that could feed directly to your phone, and she had it set up as a screensaver on the computer, and we'd watch them often. When one appeared with a worm in its mouth, we knew they had babies.

Henry warned her that if she got too close, they would abandon the nest, so she kept her distance. They got used to her working her little garden, and would sit on the tomato stakes and chirp at her, diving down once in a while to snatch a worm she had dug up and put far enough away they felt comfortable getting.

I still went out on Thursdays with the girls, and we often went to a club where our friends played. Kyle and Billy made it a point to sit with us on breaks, for two reasons. One, they liked us, and two, if they sat with us instead of the band table, the ladies looking to hit on them got shot down. There was a pretty good debate over which one of us belonged to which, but they left them alone.

Then one night, they played a line dance and I was out there twirling and kicking, when I noticed Kyle was beside me, grinning. The band often spelled each other, playing something, one could sit out, to give them a chance to share a dance or two with their wives and girlfriends. He was a pretty good dancer and we were enjoying ourselves, then suddenly the band shifted and started playing a slow waltz. He looked up to see all the guys grinning, as well as the girls at my table. I suspected collusion. Never mind, he was there, I was there, and soon I was in his arms while he gently twirled me around the dance floor. They stretched a four-minute song into eight, and I was lost in the dance, only coming back to myself to find me standing on the dance floor, the song long over. I flushed red and scurried back to the table, while the band whooped and started a fast song.

"That was just adorable, hon. Look!"

Autumn had filmed us on her phone. I looked blissful as I lay my head on his chest and snuggled into him, and he was holding me tighter than necessary, that little half smile on his face. I had been around him long enough to know that was one of his tells that showed he was happy. What shocked me was the way my face was heading towards his when the music stopped. I was almost there when I realized the music had stopped and jerked back. Kyle looked a little disappointed before he smiled again.

*****

I was thinking about the almost kiss the next Tuesday after I got home. Carrie had harvested three zucchini and Ros gave her a recipe. She was in the kitchen with Mom, making lasagna, using wafer thin slices of the vegetable for noodles. Mom let her use the slicer, making sure her fingers never got close. Mom had made the sauce, and she let Carrie ladle the mixture, along with a lot of ricotta cheese, baking it until the cheese on top was brown and bubbling. There was also a dessert, banana pudding. They were both grinning and I knew I was being buttered up. After cleaning up the kitchen, she snuggled between us on the couch

When she thought I was in a really good mood and relaxed, she hit me with her plan. "Mom, church camp is coming up in two weeks. One week, Monday through Sunday. It's on a lake, and there will be four churches worth of kids there. Can I go, please please, please? Maria's going."

"Let's talk about this. Have you got any literature, maybe a website I can look over? What does it cost? How well supervised will you guys be?"

Carrie grinned and handed me some pamphlets, and while I read them, she found the website. The campground was beautiful, looked very well maintained, and had a very high satisfaction rating. I thought the cost was a little high, and wondered how Maria's mom could handle it. They had officially lived below the poverty line, the husband long gone, back to Honduras, leaving her struggling, with a small child. She caught the attention at the church, and suddenly new programs opened up for her mother. They got her into a rent assisted apartment, various members of the church either donated furniture or pooled together to buy it. One of the parishioners was horrified at her job, with its long hours and poor wages, and hired to work at his factory, at almost twice the salary. It helped, but not that much.