Idolatria Ch. 09

"What do you guys do?"

"Hang out. Talk. Sit around. Listen to music. I don't know." None of it was a lie.

"On Tuesday?" said Janina.

I jolted and looked back at Janina, pulled away from my food again. "Y... yeah," I said. "Why?"

She stared at me with something like confusion. "Didn't you tell me you were going to see him... on Monday, too?"

My gut wrenched again.

"Woah, wait, really?" Marc blurted. "Did you - dude, your face is fucking red."

"No, it's not!" I snapped. "Marc, I dunno what you keep trying to imply with me and him, but I'm getting pretty sick of it."

There was silence over the table. I dug into my plate to ignore the eyes on me.

"Okay." Marc held up his hands. "Y'know what? I'm sorry. Seriously. I didn't mean for you to think I'm calling you gay or anything, man."

The word stung horribly. I tried not to react. "It's... fine. I'm sorry I got defensive."

The topic of conversation finally came away from me. Between bites, Marc made a noise like he'd just remembered something and pointed at Janina's breakfast. "Actually, I just realized," he said, swallowing. "What's with that? Don't feel like pancakes today?"

Janina's cheeks pinked slightly and she poked at her omelet. Every time we came to the diner, she usually ordered a short stack with whatever confectionary additions she could get - whipped cream, strawberries, chocolate chips. I hadn't even paid attention to her order earlier.

"I'm dying for pancakes," she sighed. "But I gave up sweets for Lent. They're not really the same with just butter..."

"Wait, is it Lent already?" asked Marc.

"Ash Wednesday was yesterday. You guys didn't go to your service?"

"Our church is Baptist," I explained. "We don't really do Lent. A lady does the crosses for Palm Sunday, though."

"Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Ours is Methodist."

"Well, we don't do it," Marc added. "But my grandma's Baptist, too, and she observes Lent every year. Does the whole no-meat thing."

"Have you observed it before?"

"Nah. My 'vice' is video games, and I can't go a week only eating fish on Friday, I'd die."

Janina smiled and rolled her eyes. "Well, I like it. Our church's service last night was really nice."

I stared down into my breakfast as they spoke. "So is it just... wait, you give up a vice for Lent?"

"Well, we do in my house," said Janina. "For me, it's whatever might come before my faith, or something that I feel like I can't live without... My dad does fasting, too. But I can't do a fast because it'll mess with my studying and practice." She shrugged and took a bite of her omelet, waiting to finish before she spoke again. "So I gave up sweets."

"Yeah, 'cuz Jesus wandered through the desert for forty days being tempted by pancakes, right?" Marc grinned.

"Oh - hush."

But it didn't sound silly to me at all. And when my chest began to hurt at the thought of what I was considering... Something told me it was a pain I needed to feel.

‡

Friday morning, I'd left class and decided, no matter what, I was going to have to talk to Levi.

I'd been debating what exactly I was going to talk about since I'd come home yesterday. But I was here now, parked a little bit up the road from the Tannery. Conviction and desire had both driven me to this point, and now they were fighting for control of my heart and my mouth.

I needed to face who I was. There wasn't room inside of me for both sides anymore.

The heat in the car was dying the longer I sat there. I took a deep breath and climbed out onto the sidewalk, zipping up my jacket halfway. The street was deserted - no one would see me going in. But I hurried to get inside anyway, afraid to push my luck.

Music greeted me with the bell. Levi's little wireless speaker was sitting on the front counter by the register, where Levi himself was bent over the glass surface with a sketchbook in front of him, pencil in one hand and his head in the other. Loose locks tumbled through his fingers as he lifted his face to me - and immediately he stood up, something like relief washing over his eyes. "Ash."

It was all he said. My name, spoken softly like a breath he'd been holding... The sound ran down my back, warm and electric. I walked to the counter only to find Levi coming around, arms out to embrace me...

And I recoiled from him.

Levi's arms dropped slightly, but he stood frozen where I'd backed away, eyes wide as if I'd slapped him in the face. His brow furrowed as he pocketed his empty hands.

"I... need to talk with you," I said reluctantly.

He paused, mouth pressed into a line, then shrugged. "All right." He turned lazily on his heel and sauntered to the back wall, resting himself against it as he watched me intently. "I'm listening."

I didn't feel like he was patronizing me with that. Taking another deep breath, I moved over to the counter, eyes flicking unconsciously to the things under the glass, the more beautiful and intricate of Levi's work... I noticed, with some surprise, that the tall cylinder thing with the rose pattern was gone. I wondered if someone had bought it.

I couldn't be entranced by these things. I had to be heard.

My breath shuddered as I released it, looking back to Levi. My voice felt miles away.

"I want this to end."

The music from Levi's speaker didn't match the room. Fast-paced eighties rock, drums and synth playing havoc on the air between us. Levi opened his mouth and closed it again, and I saw his throat shift as he swallowed. "You're allowed to walk," he said. "But I want to know why."

I'd never heard Levi's voice like this - clipped, short, a blunt edge to his words. Not angry. Restrained. I chewed my lip, trying to gather myself. "I can't... keep trying to convince myself that this is okay," I said firmly. "That what I'm doing here isn't ... wrong. And what's happening with us is coming between me and my faith. It was wrong of me to act on those feelings. And it was wrong of me to... to lead you on in the process. I'm gonna take a break and sort things out, and when... When I'm better, I want us to be friends."

Levi's expression didn't change. For what seemed like minutes, he simply stared at me, a steady swell of breath in his chest the only indication of his movement. Finally he stood up straight, scuffing the floor as he came back to the counter. He turned from me and put his hands on the edge, leaning over and letting his hair fall around his face like a shadow.

My throat suddenly felt very tight. "Levi -"

"This is because of your necklace."

A tremor ran the length of my body. "I - what? No... Levi, it's not about... I'm not doing this because -"

"I'm aware that it's not about that," he sighed. He paused, straightened up, and shook his hair back over his shoulder, still not meeting my eyes. "But until the moment you realized it wasn't there, you were completely content to stay in my bed. To be honest, it worried me, too. I was concerned that you'd left it on purpose because you thought I didn't like you wearing it." Levi turned to face me, leaning to one side, eyes narrowed. "I don't, just in case you considered it," he added lightly. "I don't care if you go to church or pray or wear whatever religious symbols you want. The first time you served me, I told you to leave it on."

"I just said it's not about the necklace!" I said, exasperated.

"No, but it's indicative of a bigger issue. To both you and I, for different reasons. So what do you think that issue is, Ash?" he asked sharply. "You go first, and then I'll tell you what I see."

I looked at Levi helplessly. I had expected him to have complaints over my decision, but I hadn't prepared myself to defend it. "I just... Levi, there's a lot that goes into this."

"I have time," he said flatly.

I wrapped my arms around myself, trying not to react to the tone in Levi's voice. "Okay," I began slowly. "Levi, I - I do like... being... with you. But you and I both know what I've been told my entire life - what God tells me about this. I can't like men. I can't do any of this with you. And at this point, it's unhealthy, what I'm pushing aside to be here. How much I think about this. So I need it to stop before we... Before I do something I regret."

The corner of Levi's mouth twitched. "Before," he repeated, "Meaning you don't regret anything that's happened yet."

The air stuck in my lungs. "That's - not what I said..."

"No, Ash, it's not; but I'm finding, the longer I know you, how much there is in what you don't say," he said grimly. "But let's go ahead and put a pin in that for now."

Rendered speechless, I could only watch as Levi began to pace the floor at a languid rate, arms crossed over his chest, obscuring the unfamiliar band logo on his shirt.

"This is what I see," he said icily. "I see a young man who has been skimming through life on the very surface of what it has to offer, with only one concrete path before him. But you have never tried to see what's under the surface, or the full scope of your own self. Now you've looked over the side of the boat and seen your reflection in the water, and it enthralled you... So you stuck your hand in. And you loved it. But it's cold, and it's so different than what you know, and you have it stupidly in your head that if you acclimate to the temperature of the water, then you can never come back to the surface you were content to ride on for the rest of your life." He stopped and turned, glaring at me. "But your reflection will still be there regardless of whether you want to look at it or not, Ash. It's you."

I gripped my crossed arms to stop them from trembling. "You have absolutely no idea," I muttered. "You don't want to listen to me at all. You're so dead-set on telling me that I'm into guys and I can't change that."

"Because you can't!" he barked. "I wouldn't give a shit if you had tried it and realized you're not attracted to men. But I've seen you under me, and nothing about that was a fucking mistake!"

"I was straying," I said, suddenly scared of the shiver in my voice. "This is part of the plan I was given, and I almost -"

"Your god doesn't care if you like cock!" Levi retorted loudly. I flattened myself against the counter as he stepped up to me, his hands in fists, bare inches between us. "Why am I the one who has to tell you this? How long have your people been trying to proclaim everlasting love, unconditional and unearned - Unconditional unless you lie in bed with other men? Is that it? If that's who your god is, then fuck him!"

"I've been lying to people about where I am," I forced out. I couldn't look him in the face. "I'm constantly having to make shit up to my friends and family - when I'm here with -"

"Then don't fucking lie to them," he snarled. "I never told you to do that."

Laughter shook out of me. "Y-you really want me to tell them what you're doing to -"

"Your family doesn't need to know what you do with me! You can be fucking discreet without lying, Ash. This is bullshit and you know it."

"Levi, I don't want THIS -" I threw a hand out around the room, at the walls of sex gear behind him. "- to be the thing that makes me happy in life! I don't want that feeling to only come from shit like this!"

"It doesn't have to!" he said, voice rising still. "You haven't experienced half of what life has to offer! You'll get that rush from other things, but that won't change the fact that you like being bound and dominated! For fuck's sake, Ash, you're floundering and trying to find any reason for you not to take this!"

"Because you won't let me the fuck go!" I cried.

"You're right! Because every reason you've given me for doing so is absolute shit, and you're not even convinced yourself!" Levi took a step back, his shoulders slackening as he caught his breath. "If you had told me that this wasn't what you wanted - that I'm just not the man for you? Maybe I would have let it go. But you're using this self-righteous bullshit to justify denying your own happiness, and if I agreed to any of it, it would only give you the validation you need to repress this part of yourself entirely and never come back. Not once have you ever used your own feelings, your own thoughts, to decide what path you're allowed to be on."

"You don't know what my feelings are!" My voice was beginning to break. My throat was straining under the tight clench of my larynx and the force of my words. It was taking everything I had to keep talking, keep fighting - I can't let go. I can't let myself stray again. Not again. "Until I met you, I knew exactly who I was! This is all because of you! And I'm sorry that you don't approve of the person I really am -"

"THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE!" Levi's face was contorted with fury I'd never seen in him, and all at once he was on me, pressing me back to the counter, his hands gripping my upper arms so hard that I yelled out in pain -

And at once, he was off me.

Levi was three steps back from me again, all trace of tension melting from his body, his eyes. Panting, he looked down at his shaking hands as if he didn't recognize them. Then slowly, he closed his eyes and put his arms down at his sides, steadying his breath before he could look at me again. "I'm sorry," he said weakly. "I don't... put my hands on anyone in anger. I'm not going to do that again."

The knocking of the counter had tipped over Levi's speaker, still incessantly singing to whoever would listen. The song had changed to something slower, quieter, as if not to disturb the two of us. When the blood had stopped pounding in my mouth, I tried to speak again. "I... want us to be friends," I croaked. "I like spending time with you. When this is over..."

"We're not going to be friends, Ash," he said wearily.

Nothing Levi had said until this point had made my chest clench the way it did then. I felt like there was something stuck in the space under my heart. "Why...? Is this... that bad? Not even later?"

When Levi's hazel eyes found my face again, they were heavier... The shadows in their rims were darker than I remembered. Far from angry, he simply looked... lost. "I can't see you that way," he said, almost a whisper. "I fell for you long before this, Ash. I can't cut that out of me."

I felt my mouth open without any words to move my tongue. The gripping pain in my chest was gone... but now it had climbed into my throat. Something in me was refusing to let Levi's words reach any deeper than my ears. I moved forward cautiously, unable to feel the floor under my sneakers, and my voice was coming out without my full consciousness, soft and cracking with the strain...

"Goodbye."

And suddenly, my hand was on the door. The cold air was seizing me, melting on my burning skin, wind biting me through the gaps in my clothes, and I hugged my jacket around myself as I ran across the street...

I forced myself to look back at the shop once I was on the other side, just as the 'Open' sign was flipped to 'Closed'.

*****

AN: Wow. What an ending, right, guys? Best ending ever.

Just kidding. This marks the end of Act 1 of Idolatria, and I wanna thank everyone who's hung on this long... I'm planning for this to go on for much longer than this, so no one ask me if it's over! You'll know when the end is, I promise.