All Comments on 'If Ch. 01'

Wow. How sad. But a good storyline

Yeah, I don’t like flashbacks either. But, I think I am hurting worse than the MCs, so I’ll stick it out.

Plenty of work for shrinks here. The frequent jumps in the timeline are really annoying (and seemingly irrelevant to the central theme).

What a fucked up group of people.

You write fantastically and engrossingly, I am sitting here reading it with little tears in my eyes

@King_Willie, I have to concur.

Well written but very sad. The writer as great talent, I must read another

Before I gave up due to what I saw as something that is not even realistically stupid. She stays over with her fucking lover and hubby and she go to therapy together?

Unless this was the stereotypical homosexual writer, literally no couple is this fucking moronic. None. Thats beyond a dead marriage even for a wimpy dependent husband who needs to find some balls.

So I never made it far through, if it was that stupid that quickly, I'd leave it alone even faster.

God, your writing is simply stellar, it fucking glides. How is that even possible, you manage to make timeline jumps smooth.

Very human characters as well, flawed and messed up, yet still sympathetic to me.

Your sheer talent, lawd have mercy. I need to assemble an elite crack team to go steal it. An easy 5.

I've never liked stories that jump around. Just an emotional rollercoaster ride here. The characters are not likeable and all 3 carry too much negative feelings. 2 wrongs never make it right... Mike needs to divorce his sorry wife, Claire needs to get honest with herself, and Nick needs to get on with his life (without Claire.)

First rate writing, engaging, painful, fucked-up but in a way that tells emotional truths. I look forward to reading the next chapter, though I doubt if there are any happy endings to this story.

1 star - not into these kinds of relationships.

ONCE&DONE - move on to the next potential lover.

I am old enough that marriage&kids are no longer an option, or even thought of any more.

Meh, not into this torturing yourself and the cheater deal.

Just kick them out of your life and move on.

A very well written tome about some very damaged people. I look forward to the conclusion.

Don't know whether to love or hate your work - I get sucked into these dreary, soul-sucking plot lines and struggle when it's over to climb back out. Very few writers can do that to me, so kudos to a great talent. 5*

Just when I was about to throw in the towel if somebody didn't say something, everything happened. I'm loving this story. I hope she leaves him. I don't know about Nick

In this one, more than enough to go around. The only plus for the characters is thankfully there's only one dog and no children, although the no children aspect appears to only be due to an act(s) of God. Signed: BTW

The characters weren’t terribly likable but this was a realistic well written piece. One of those “cheaters never win” kind of stories.

Very well written, your usual, but characters that I couldn't care about. Just too.much cheating.

Deserves a better score...but this is LW, and this is too complex and ambivalent for the cucks and swingers.

Very very well written. Good character development with Claire and no doubt a tragic story. I scored it a 5***** because the writing is crisp and many good Metaphorical descriptions. The story is too depressing and I don't need anymore of that in my life. There are no winners, only losers and everyone loses in this story. Won't read the next chapter.

I have no idea how this will turn out, but this first chapter is just remarkably good.

...is the question johnadp asks, three comments before me. I'll talk about (note I did not say answer) that.

This IS beautiful storytelling but it is NOT a beautiful story. If you come like me, wanting entertainment, you will not like the STORY, as shown so well by the FD45 comment on 12-8-16, who wonders if it's worth continuing to chapter 2. I felt like the author drug me into (not through) the mud and slop of the pigpen and left me there.

However, if you come to this story and appreciate the STORYTELLING, you can follow in the steps of numerous commenters (including johnadp -- even moreso in his comment on chapter 2), who marvel at the skillful depicting of angst, moodiness, introspection, etc that follows one of the worst emotional tragedies that a person can encounter. In other words, the very ability -- that some admire -- to make the reader feel the pain is what other readers do not want to feel. It just depends on what you want out of the story: literary masterpiece or fun/entertaining read.

Another factor for me is that I do not care for wallowing in introspection even when it leads to a bright outcome. I read, thinking "OK, tell me your feelings, but do not keep telling me your feelings over and over again."

There is a chapter 2, which, unfortunately, is not linked to this chapter, but must be accessed through the Submissions page.

Paul in Oklahoma

But compulsive reading. A horrible situation where no-one can possibly win. Beautifully written.

Such a well written story, you're brilliant at capturing emotions in these fucked up situations.

Jessica was a real piece of shit fucking her best friend's husband and Mike was a total douchebag too. Claire should have divorced the asshole as soon as she found out... forget helping him through rehab!

The story is amazing. It's slowly discovering the psychology and torment of two people who once, perhaps still, love one another but lost and will likely permanently lose one another. It's beautifully and painfully laid out.

Some one in that household should of packed their bags and moved on. They were like two lost souls that would NEVER meet again as lovers.

This is an amazingly well written story. It brought out emotions. I don't often feel when I read and I'm surprised when it happens. So glad I stumbled on it again.

Man this story felt so real that it made me want to punch people in the face. Jessica didn't deserve to die though. She and Mike deserve to be skinned alive. Claire should have strangled that counsellor. Seriously, this is probably the most difficult story to read in your catalogue excluding The Beach House. That one is in a league of its own. But all of them are beautifully written that is why I am looking forward to your new story under LW because I love torturing myself too. The first part of Proof of Life is already great and I'm just genuinely happy that you are writing again. Also, I will be looking forward to that other one you are planning. I hope everything pushes through. Goodluck. -ff

The lot of 'em. And with the world-weary, studious snark-a-minute bullshit. Is this Tel Aviv? It sure as hell ain't Ames.

How the hell people think this is "poignant" is beyond me. This is like a dreary television show. But then again, how would I know? I've never owned a television because I don't want to watch a snide bitchfest where everybody's life goes on and on rotting like a tumor.

And please flush that little rat dog down the toilet.

Mazel Tov!

I loved every minute of reading this and I hope you continue. It's a remarkable work of art, and you are a star. Please post more! I can't wait to read the rest of your stories and check out your blog. You've an amazing talent. Gorgeous writing!

I honestly don't understand the hate. ~R

Characters seem real and the situation all too familiar. Well done.

OK. I read the 2nd, before the first, and it really is so sad. This is my first time reading this arthor, and this is just too damned real.

Very melancholy. The infidelity in this story is the type that the more you focus on it the worse it becomes. Amongst a group of friends the opportunity for betrayal is immense. Like the moment at the end with the dress. That is truly sickening.

Oh, and please let Nick get out of this situation without blowing his brains out. Lol.

.....

IF you decide to finish it.....

Tune in on St. Patrick's day and you'll get something special, if not before.

I do hope that nothing unfortunate has caused GirlInTheMoon to delay subsequent chapters of this intriguing story. Most of the recent comments have asked her for another episode. She's an accomplished author with a devoted following.

Lue

First, forget the comments about the writing or the emotion involved. That's always great.

I was relieved because for a moment when Claire looked to Heaven and thought I was afraid there was a lost child involved, and I'm too old now to handle bad things happening to children, it just hurts too much.

Now why am I unhappy? That's easy, this was chapter one, and it's already been more than two months. I waited to read thinking more would be added, but damn. Now I'm stuck. Come on GITM!

Jedd Clampett (carvohi)

Love when the overtly pretentious, condescending liberal elitists feel justified in forcing their religiously followed dogma on others.

The ''Ms'' instead of Girl is in the insulting BUT I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU WHAT RULES TO ABIDE BY

Am certain, having read her offerings, she will accept being referred to as lewdone.

lsd's new yorker comment explains quite a bit

More

GITM has an interesting style of writing, I really enjoy reading her stories. Her description of this story is "examination of a failed marriage". I'm wondering if that indicates the end result, if she'll eventually split with her cheating husband. At first I would have said absolutely, but as more details are revealed, it becomes more complex as the characters weigh and measure each new tidbit of information - very odd dynamic between the 3 spouses at this point. Looking forward to future chapters. Thanks!

GITM intrigues, which puts her in the top 5%.

Amid so much banality, one one must only achieve the grammatical.

She excels.

Thank you

GITM may not be my favorite author, but I can truly appreciate the mental gymnastics her stories put the reader through.... 4****

Ditto to your previous post. Do I have qualms about the destination her stories arrive at ? Yes , but her ability to mind meld reader to narrator is unquestioned and matched only by the best of the best.

Chapter 1 was superb and complex. No doubt it will not be an easy job to continue that level of quality writing. And while you owe nothing to those of us who have enjoyed your stories, it would be really nice to know that there was a Ch.2 in the pipeline.

Lue

Of a truly ugly situation.

I don't like anyone yet but that is because they all became ugly after Mike and Jessica's betrayal.

Loved hating it. Can't wait for chapter 2.

...and this one is going to take some time to digest.

What a great read! Real people and dialogue! Chapter 2?

Thanks for a well conceived, plotted, and fleshed out story. Oldbearswitch

This is hauntingly beautiful writing.

i am cold.

GitM shows us a great plot device at the close of ch. one. Jessica gets the dress that by girl-rights should go to Claire, another example of Jessica taking something from Claire, and mirroring the whole duplicitous sexual affair. Jessica compounds her crime by whispering adulterous promises into Claire's husband's ear right in front of Claire! That's good storytelling!

The characters are all flawed but in the case of Claire we can have some empathy. We fault her for conducting an open revenge affair but in the circumstance we can forgive her if she comes to her senses and breaks it off. Can Mike forgive her? But the real question is can Claire forgive her friend's and her husband's betrayal? Lots of hurt feelings here. This is where Claire's mother and father can help with their more mature perspective. I'm surprised they haven't said more already.

Such good writing, reminds me of wounds suffered long ago.

Everyone's in a hell, or at least a purgatory. One clearly deserves it, and the others are trying to figure out where they're going, if they can actually move on at all.

I buy it; this certainly isn't the typical LW trope-filled tripe (thank the gods, and especially GitM - I'd've missed this story if I didn't already know she writes masterpieces).

I'm hooked; it's obviously not a love story (yet? Whatever) but I prefer stories full of raw emotion, and as cold or stunted as these people are now, they're still radiating feelings like an x-ray pulsar viewed in the visible spectrum (sorry). I'll follow this wherever it goes, even though I expect this installment to be trashed in the ratings by the typical reader of this genre.

Only because the author is dealing with the death of a marriage. I lived in this kind of black nothingness as an abused, foster child. Think its nice, I would give it all back to know what true love between chuld and adult is? The thing is it never gies away. So Claire is now stuck in her own hell as is the husband and widow of Jessica. More on the way I hope.

I am blown away. You have presented people in the messy aftermath of being dishonest and now attempting to live through/work through the aftermath. Slow motion train wreck is a way of putting it. God damn it, this is real life. this is real 'people', this is how real people behave and feel. This is not a quick revenge. It is a work through of life. Pretty shitty, but that can't be avoided. Life is messy.

I am in awe of you. Your craft and vision are astounding.

Thanks, Wieliczka

Man I can't ever remember when I flipped while reading a story as much as this. I went from "how dare he stay with the slut" to I hope she pulls a Charley brown with the football. I hope she leads her husband on and let's him get his hopes up that she forgives him only to at the last second tell him to choke on a dick and die. Then leaves to be with her lover. Also, for me her lover has it worse. To find out your wife was sleeping with your best friend that she wanted to leave you for him. To find this out after she died for me would be worse. I would want t at least be able to look her in the eye and tell her to fuck off.

Maybe it's just me but I've never encountered a woman so alluring that I could be in a relationship and watch her step out with another man . I GET Mike got the whole ball rolling and he DESERVES some pain . 60/40...70/30 property split whatever. ... but no way in hell am I trying to save a marriage where she lies with words and lies down with my best friend .

That's how those murder /suicide stories are inspired by people who can't see it's over. I'm not exaggerating when I say I'd rather be homeless on the streets then share a roof with an individual like Claire who's hellbent on emulating Shylock from ' Merchant of Venice " and extracting a pound of flesh for Mike's grievous offense.

I think Girlinthemoon is on elevated level in terms of wordsmithery.But in multiple stories her conclusions rely on the supposition that "yeahhh it was kind of rough when I found out my wife had been lying, cheating , treating me like a throw rug , but I wasn't totally blameless ( insert excuse) 1) working too much 2) oblivious to her clues ...but no harm done , it's not like we have kids". My wife is one of a kind and I'll endure anything to keep her.

Kids are my dealbreakers to everything said before . Then you MIGHT run the gauntlet as Mike is currently doing. I will finish the story . No doubt. Great writing is great writing but I'm reading it at fantasy level because the next challenge for Girlinthemoon is to show how any woman / relationship could be worth the torture inherent in upholding this childless ( thank God ) facade of a marriage. where the foundation has been mutually demolished .

Great writing ( as expressed before ), but this is an exercise in 50 ways to harrow your hubby (' he 'started it and vengeance must be exacted , when tenfold ( or more ) payback has been exacted , then we decide to make/breakup. It's a shame but he has endure because I am 'just that 'special" ).

Beyonce is very, very fine but Beyonce would have been out da' door if she pulled on Jay-Z 10% of what Claire did. There are better ways to manifest one's outrage. 'Lemonade' anyone ?

and it is the languishing over every single razor stroke of the soul. It is entirely despair in every word, gesture, nuance and exterior scene. The soul doesn't have a moment to take a breath or have any room for hope.

I like emotionally driven stories. The Unoriginalist did it quite well. But even that had a strong sense of wallow: and even there, he had little moments of 'a good day with the kids at the park', the moment he saw what he loved in his wife NOW (and not some flashback which only provides more lashes to the spirit)

I'm giving it another chapter to see if it moves beyond emotional torture porn.

Complicated yet seemingly simple. Flawed and real characters. Unpredictable, yet obvious reactions. Great writing.

But pleas, please, pretty please, don't screw your readers like you did with Plain Gold Ring and leave us hanging. That was just wrong. Please continue this, but show respect to your readers and finish that, too.

Both are a couple of losers

Sorry.

Sure, it's angst filled, first person chick-lit and the characters are less than honorable people, but the writing is crisp, readable, and held my interest. There are times, though, when it is unclear who the characters are, such as the enigmatic "she" looking down on Claire on the first page. We later can figure out who "she" is, but these fuzzy spots in the plot can interrupt the flow and therefore the reader's enjoyment. I always think the author is deliberately toying with me when later I have to go back to re-read a passage to make sense of it.

True to life stories like this one can be agonizing to read, like watching a slow motion car wreck, but they can illuminate some aspect of our human-ness, which always includes the emotional and irrational, and sometimes wickedness, too. Anony said the plot was preposterous. Not at all. I know two couples who swapped spouses after mutual affairs. And I know of another two couples, same basic situation, who swapped decades ago and, incredibly, all four were still friends who socialized together until two died of old age. So humans do weird things and there is always hope of reconciliation, one way or another. Anger and hatred generally don't allow for hope.

Bravo, GITM, for treating us to your pro level writing!

finally a story that seems to be about a couple that is going through a very rough patch in their marriage and how each deals with it. she is using the husband for her own reasons but what the reasons are still isnt clear. her husband is trying to save the marriage but seems to come to terms that his marriage is really over. he is being as truthful with her as much as he can be but that isnt working for her. hope to see the next chapter soon.

That was awesome! You have really hit your stride with this one, great detail, dialogue, descriptive language, insight into thoughts and feelings, I was transferred into their world by your written word. Great job, cant wait for Chapt 2!

This cynicism in writing, this talent for weaving a story through relatable, flawed, multi-dimensional characters. No one is perfect in this story, some more imperfect than others, but they all seem real. They all seem like products of bitterness and repressed emotions. Love the use of timeline to contrast what is and what was. Love the story so far.

Waiting eagerly for the subsequent chapters.

Those who don't like her, my guess is its because of how she uses Nick, and is fully aware she's using Nick. Kind of a crappy thing to do, knowing how much he has come to rely on her and how he's unable to move on with his own life while she continues to meet with him.

Personally, I don't hate either Claire or Mike...I can sympathize with both of them in some ways. They've made (or in Claire's case, are making) messy, destructive choices, but real life can be often be that way. Its why I enjoy the story so much.

I've been thinking of that last flashback, where Jessica talks about having a baby with the "right guy." I think its pretty clear from that she wanted to have one with Mike rather than Nick. So I wonder if she actually was pregnant with Mike's baby when she died, and if we're going to find that out. Just a thought.

I hope you keep going with this story, I'm loving it so far. I agree with whoever commented on hating Claire....not sure exactly WHY I hate her because she's the "injured party" in this, well, one of them. I just had trouble sympathizing with her. I guess because of how she seems to be playing both Nick AND Mike. Couples therapy only works if you're willing to put in the hard work & it seems like a waste of time & money since SHE is now having an open affair. Nick is the only character I can really sympathize with & like.

Your return was an unexpected but very welcome surprise!

I don't know where this tale will take us, but I welcome the next installment.

The excessive use of personal pronouns (he, him, she, her) made it difficult for me to follow who was who.

And the view is NOT pleasant!

From a writing perspective at lining up emotions, motives and scenery, this worked so much better than anything I can write, it is pathetic.

I can't help hating Claire. I get her reasons, her betrayals, her resentments. Still, she is at least as toxic as anyone else in the story, and since she is SO introspective and realizes this, it is by design. She is an icon of passive aggressiveness.

For the life of me, I don't know what you write from here. I don't see a story arc at all. There is no conflict she shows any interest in resolving. All we had is a slow unfolding of the creation of an asshole. She didn't choose the circumstances which afflicted her life, but she seems to be racing down the low road at breakneck speed and full knowledge, if not of her destination, that she IS racing down the low road to destination unknown as she sweeps past Mike and drags Nick with her.

You are a very good writer but your stories are so bleak. My appetite for pointless, destructive behaviour is limited no matter if it is understandable.

Fantastic The sequencing, the themes, the tension, the use of literary devices and the over all cohesive sad tone of the piece all make an engrossing tale.! *****

Both for the story and for the comments. Thanks for a wonderful read and the promise of more.

One can actually see the pain Claire is experiencing. A sad, but powerful story.

This has started off very well , angst , cheating , death .

Can't wait to see where this goes to next.

It is always a treat for me as a man to read a woman's point of view that I can fully empathize with. So compellingly painful. 5+

this was not just great-- it was fucking brilliant. You are easily one of the top three or four writers in the whole LW genre

Powerfully written.

I'm just wondering how you can keep it up in future parts. I also _want_ to like both of the protagonists, even though at the moment it is hard to. I hope somehow you maintain that, even if it seems unlikely to do so.

Thanks for the submission. Definitely a 5* start!

yet without shedding a tear. Mike and Jessica spent years fucking over their spouses, and now their spouses are returning the favor. You have created a heart wrenching plot, that we all know is preposterous, yet we can't escape wanting to understand the pain, the regret, the desire, the inhumanity of being so basely human and selfish.

I can't imagine how you can continue this and maintain its energy and gripping appeal. I hope you stop writing it, and I can't wait to read the next chapter. I have to agree, this is one of the very best pieces in LW in a very long time.

Thank you for your time, talent, and generosity.

This is the most angering story that I have read in a while. That is a compliment. I find myself getting pissed at Mike, and livid at Jessica. That doesn't usually happen to me anymore. I usually read with a detached fascination. This story is so well written that it is impossible for me to not feel anything.

Excellent writing.

Always a treat finding one of your stories. I rarely read multi-chapter stories here...but yours are an exception.

rj

Really,really good writing telling a terrifyingly realistic story.

Get a divorce and make herself happy. Charade requires too much energy for such a shitty feeling.

This reminds me of a story a while back by which is not here anymore. Too bad about that. There was this horrible abusive situation and it was written like this, dark and beautiful. There have been a bunch of stories since that tried to be like it, but they writers just weren't as good. You're very good and I've always liked your writing. It gets a little too kinky for me sometimes, but you're very good. Thanks.

Good to see you posting again. Like a few others have mentioned, I rarely like your protagonists, but the stories you weave are poignant and filled with beautiful prose. I'm looking forward to more.

I recall that I don't always like your stories but I consider this one exceptional so far. I was disappointed that the contents of Jessica's diary were glossed over. They would be expected to contain insights into what she was really thinking. 5*

anon.1

for your writing.

You are simply better than just about anybody on here.

Thanks--ohio

Pleasure to read your sentences

that last line.....

But dread the outcome

This story does not belong to LW

it belongs to NY time short stories

True this is a sad tale but also a very good read. I think it really examines the problem in a realistic way. To be honest, in a situation like this, I don't think there can be a happy ending. I look forward to the rest of the story.

It's a realistic portrayal of a double betrayal.

It's so real that some people will not like it. That's their loss, to be frank.

I can't wait for the following chapters.

...but I don't agree that this is a bad thing. There are thousands of different stories here, there is plenty of room for a story like this that makes us feel emotions other than pleasure or excitement.

Personally, I appreciate these stories and those who write them because they are so different from the usual stuff here. And I love a lot of the usual stuff here too, don't get me wrong.

If its not your cup of tea I understand, but I do think there are plenty of us who do like reading them so I always try to encourage writers of these type of stories when I stumble across them.

I don't know if you read all these but I really like how you've constructed your characters and how you have embued all of them with a sense of pathos. Claire's pain is so real that your readers have to feel it. Nick's pain is just as real as Claire's, but these two are too crippled by their mutual tragedy that we, the readers know they are just deadening their souls too much to ever connect. Mike is a theif and a coward. He and Jessuca stole their respective spouses dreams and happiness. If you plan on continuing with this storyline, avoid reconciling Claire and Mike. It should be a redemption story, not a reconciliation story. Claire and Nick deserve redemption, Mike...... not so much.

Erotica is supposed to be entertaining. This angst-ridden stuff doesn't qualify.

When I questioned where all the comments were.

It was good to read other people's reactions to a story I have now included in my favourites list.

And to the Anonymous commenter who thought the story was a "Depressing, painful analysis of a failing marriage", not all LW stories can have the happy ending you may crave. Or, if they do, they sometimes have to go through hell to get there.

Life's like that sometimes.

Lue

I think like @Insignia: They are all three "Damaged Goods"! And is sad read how they drift through life without any real meaning in their lives...A sad but very good start...Let's wait and see what happens...4* for now