If I Never Knew Your Name

When I went back to the kitchen, Manny handed up my order for Virginia. I took it and double-checked it to make sure it was perfect with the dressing on the side. Once I was sure, I took a deep breath, held it, and then let it out. I was ready to face Virginia again. I grabbed the pitcher of unsweetened iced tea and headed out to the floor.

As I headed for Virginia's table, I saw she was checking me out again, and it made me feel all tingly and warm. I returned the favor, and as I came up to the table to put her salad on the table, I saw a questioning look come over her face. I maintained eye contact as I refilled her glass to encourage her to ask the question she had.

Virginia made up her mind and said, "Bonnie, I'm new to the area. What is there to do around the area at night and on weekends?"

When I heard that, I couldn't help but smile. Virginia's question meant she must be stationed at the local Air Force base, or she wouldn't have bothered to ask about what to do in the area on nights and weekends. That meant she'd be coming back for lunch many times in the future. I looked around to assess how busy I was going to be. I turned back to Virginia and said, "Give me a minute to take care of the other table, and I'll come over and chat for a bit." To reinforce my intention to talk to her, I reached out and touched her arm with my fingertips. I nearly gasped when I felt the shock zapping up my arm and then to the rest of my body.

I couldn't believe the reaction I had to that touch. Virginia must have felt it too. I heard her breath catch, and a whispered "Oh!" escaped her lips, lips I suddenly realized were beautiful. I saw Virginia's eyes go wide with astonishment as I turned away to take care of my other table. I didn't understand what had just happened, but I needed a moment to collect myself.

As I headed back to the kitchen, I thought, "Why did I suddenly focus on her lips?" I took a moment to collect myself and picked up my order for table two. I checked the status of my other orders and figured I'd have a couple of minutes before they'd be ready. I gave Manny a quick thumbs-up before heading back out with the order.

After taking care of table two, I headed over to Virginia's table, mulling how I'd answer her question. There were so many options I'd have to narrow it down, so I'd have to ask her what she liked to do. As I came up to her table, Virginia looked up, and when our eyes met, I thrilled again. I quickly sat down across from Virginia and leaned in to say, "So, Virginia, there are a lot of different things to do around here. Tell me what you like, and I'll be able to narrow it down a bit."

I was glad I took that tack because Virginia smiled before she said, "Well, I like to go to a quiet bar for beers and bar food once in a while. I do like to dance but not the headbanging, body slamming kind." I noticed she leaned in, too, putting her elbows on the table as she was talking.

I quickly went over my options and instinctively leaned in again, wanting to connect with Virginia. I narrowed the choices down and said, "Well, I think that Mac's over on Highland Avenue would be a fit for the first. They have good bar food and a large selection of bottled and draft beers. I go there occasionally when I can get my mom to watch the boys."

When I mentioned the boys, I saw a look of disappointment flash across Virginia's face. She quickly covered it up, and I wondered why she would be disappointed about that. When she asked, "Oh, you're married?" I realized she thought I had a husband at home.

Why that was important to her escaped me, but I decided to tell her the short story since she brought it up. I brought up my left hand to show there was no ring and said, "Oh, no, my husband left the boys and me years ago. Long story short, he didn't want to be tied down to one woman and kids."

I could have sworn I saw a relieved look flash over Virginia's face before she sarcastically said, "Men. Can't live with them ... Can't kill them."

I had to laugh at that, thinking about how true that had turned out to be. I saw Virginia smile when I laughed, so she seemed to be relieved I hadn't taken her the wrong way. I then said, "Anyway, for the dancing, there's a club over on Richmond Street in El Segundo called the Purple Orchid that I heard was a nice place." Realizing I may have been ignoring my other customers, I quickly looked around. I said, "Oops, I've got to go take care of my other customers." I got up, giving Virginia an apologetic smile, and hurried back to the kitchen to check on my orders.

I busied myself with my other customers, keeping an eye on Virginia while she ate her lunch. I stopped by a couple of times to check on her, and we exchanged smiles. Finally, I saw she was finished with her salad, so I brought her check over to her table and asked, "I hope you enjoyed your salad?"

As Virginia pulled a twenty out of her wallet and placed it on the check, she said, "Thanks, Bonnie. It was delicious." When I reached down to pick up the check, she looked me in the eye and said, "Keep the change."

I thrilled at the size of the tip again, thinking if I get this size of a tip each time I serve her, I'd be able to make ends meet a whole lot easier. I smiled, and as I did last time, I folded the twenty in half and carefully put it in my breast pocket. I noticed her eyes tracked my hand as I made sure the bill was secure in my breast pocket. I turned to head back to the kitchen as Virginia got up to go. Once again, after I got around the corner, I peeked out to watch her leave. I hoped Virginia would be back again soon. I tucked the check and her twenty in my pocket again and rang out the bill, using my own money so I could save the twenty for myself. I knew it was silly, but Virginia had touched it, and I wanted to keep it close to me until I needed it for rent or food.

The rest of the day went by in a blur as my mind constantly kept going back to Virginia and how I felt interacting with her. This was all something new, and I wondered why these feelings were happening to me. I wished I had someone to talk to about it, but I couldn't talk to Mom about it, and I didn't have any close friends I felt comfortable talking to about it. Then I thought about Bill and decided I could talk to him about it. He was gay, and he might be able to give me some insight into my feelings.

That night, as I lay on the couch trying to get to sleep, I thought back to how Virginia had been momentarily disappointed when I mentioned the boys. However, she had brightened up when I said I wasn't married, so maybe she had been more concerned about me being married than having the boys. I made up my mind to talk to her about that the next time I saw her. "Oh, I really hope it's not about the boys," I thought to myself as I drifted off to sleep. My dreams were vague and slightly erotic ...

October 1985

I noticed Virginia was closely watching the interactions between Mom and Kathy. At one point, I saw a look of comprehension come over her face, making her smile. I caught Virginia's eye with a questioning look, and she just shook her head slightly. I didn't want to make a big deal about it, so I let it go, making a note to myself to ask Virginia about it later.

Mom asked Virginia about her family, and Virginia got a sad look on her face. She told us about her father dying in a train wreck when she was fourteen. Virginia added her mother died seven years later while she was a junior in college.

Mom jumped up and pulled Virginia in for a hug as she commiserated with Virginia. Virginia had already mentioned to me her parents were dead, so I didn't get upset. Mom started telling Virginia about my father and how he had died in an auto accident when I was three years old. As she did, I remembered how I felt so safe and loved in his strong arms as he told me how much he loved me. Mom must have seen the sad look on my face, so she came over and hugged me too. I couldn't help but notice Kathy looked a little sad too.

Attempting to change the mood, Virginia said, "The week after next, I'm going to be traveling to Albuquerque, New Mexico. I'll be attending a seminar hosted by the Air Force Weapons Lab at Kirtland AFB." Virginia looked at me when she said that, and I could see she was worried about my missing her while she was gone. Virginia had taken trips before, so I was used to her being gone and not seeing her at Jack's. Of course, this would be the first time she'd be gone since we started dating.

I quickly jumped in and said, "Well, I'll miss you, but I'm glad to know ahead of time, so I can plan around it while you're gone." As I said that, I remembered the first time Virginia had gone traveling, and I hadn't known it ...

May 1985

Friday came, and I was looking forward to work, thinking Virginia might show since she'd been there Monday and Wednesday. Frankly, I could hardly sleep last night thinking about seeing Virginia again. I thought about how she made me feel when she checked me out, and I was amazed at how it felt like a good-looking guy was checking me out.

I had talked to Bill last night and asked him about when he realized he was gay. He told me he had tried dating girls in high school, but nothing ever came from it. There was no spark when they kissed, so he never dated a girl more than once and eventually just stopped dating. He realized he felt something about other men he had never felt with a woman. Without going into the details, he told me about his first time with a man and how it just felt so right. I told him about how I felt when I interacted with Virginia and how similar it felt to how I interacted with men I was interested in.

Bill asked me if I felt that way about all women or if it was just with Virginia. I thought about it and realized I had always looked at other women as rivals rather than potential partners. Virginia was the first woman I felt that way about. Bill then said I might not have lesbian tendencies ... it was just Virginia that did it for me. He told me to just relax and not obsess about being a lesbian and just let things work out. I thanked Bill for his advice and went home. I had a lot to think about.

When Christy opened the doors for business, I got busy taking care of my customers. I kept looking toward the door, wondering when Virginia would show up. I had no reason to expect her to come in, but I was hoping she would. By the time the lunch crush was over, I had to accept that Virginia wasn't coming today. I was amazed at how disappointed I felt she hadn't shown up. Then I started thinking about all the different reasons why she wouldn't come back. By the time I headed to Mom's to pick up the boys, I was nearly in tears thinking I'd never see Virginia again.

Mom sensed I was upset about something, and when she asked me, I just said, "It's just nothing, Mom. I was expecting to see a friend at the restaurant today, and she never showed up."

"Well," Mom said, trying to reassure me, "I'm sure she had a good reason for not showing up."

I just smiled and said, "Yes, I'm sure she did." I didn't want Mom to get the wrong idea about my interest in a woman, so I just dropped it. We chatted for a few minutes about our plans for the weekend. Mom urged me to find a guy, and I just nodded. I didn't want to get in an argument about dating men with Mom, so I just said there was a guy I was thinking about.

Mom told me she had plans to do things with Kathy during the weekend, but if I needed her to watch the boys to just ask, she'd reschedule with Kathy. I didn't want to put Mom out because I knew how much she enjoyed spending time with Kathy, so I agreed I would but didn't plan to do anything about it. I got the boys in the car and headed home. I wondered if Virginia would like to meet the boys someday, "Assuming I ever see her again," I thought to myself.

I got through the weekend, taking the boys down to the pier and having a picnic on the beach. As I watched the boys run around, trying to keep an eye on them while reading my magazine. I thought back to when I was young and at the beach with my parents. I would be running around, making a game out of dodging around the people sitting or lying on the beach, until I was out of sight and Dad would call me back to him.

I wondered what it would be like to have someone with me to help me keep an eye on the boys and enjoy the time on the beach. I started tearing up, thinking about all of the things I've missed out on, not having the time or money to do them like everyone else seems to be able to do. "Stop it," I chastised myself. "Wishing for things you can't have is no way to go through life." I was startled as I realized I had heard Mom say that from time to time, and I imagined Mom had probably felt the same way when she was my age.

Monday finally came, and as I prepared to start, I wondered/hoped if Virginia would show up today. I checked out the menu and saw a new salad listed, so I studied it and checked it out with Manny. It was a nice Chicken Pecan Summer salad with pecans, dried cranberries, and Mandarin orange wedges. I recalled that last Monday, we had a new salad on the menu. Virginia had shown up, so I assured myself I'd see her again today. However, once again, the lunch rush finished, and she didn't show up. I was so disappointed even Manny noticed.

"Bonnie," Manny asked. "Why the long face?"

"Oh, I was hoping I'd see someone today during lunch," I said, trying to put a smile on my face.

Manny winked at me and asked, "That wouldn't be a certain military officer, would it?"

Smiling at his perceptiveness, I just rolled my eyes at him and asked, "Now, why would you ask that?"

"I saw how animated you were talking about her after she was here," Manny explained. "I see how down-in-the-dumps you are right now, when she wasn't here, so it wasn't hard to connect the dots."

"Oh, I'll get over it," I said, determined to show Manny I meant it. I smiled and went out and worked hard, trying not to think about Virginia. I got through the rest of the day, happy I had a great job and made great tips. That night, I dreamed about Virginia for the first time, trying to find her and not being able to. I would walk down long, endless corridors, looking in each room, calling for her. I got so frustrated trying to find Virginia it actually woke me up. I felt the tears burning in my eyes as I considered I may never see her again. After all, I couldn't go on the base to find her since there were guards, and I wouldn't know where to find her anyway. I managed to fall back to sleep, but I slept the rest of the night restlessly.

Tuesday went pretty much like Monday. I hoped to see Virginia, and she didn't show up. I started thinking I might never see her again, and I poured myself into taking care of my customers and refusing to think about Virginia. Christy commented on my commitment to the customers and wished everyone worked as diligently as I did. I accepted her praise as justified. I realized I was an excellent waitress, and I needed to stop mooning over a woman who made me feel things that had only ever been done by men before. I went home, satisfied with my life, and hugged my boys, glad I had them in my life. I slept well and woke up refreshed and ready to meet the day.

After getting the boys off to school for their last day of the school year, I drove to work, enjoying the beautiful morning. By the time I got to Jack's, I was smiling and bustled around getting my area set up for business. When Christy opened the door, and the first customers came in, I was in the zone. I made sure my customers were enjoying their lunch experience. On my way into the kitchen to get the food for one of my tables, I ran into Christy. She said, "Your military officer is back, and she asked for one of your tables again. Table four."

I stopped dead, conflicting emotions going through me. I was thrilled Virginia was back, but I also remembered how down I was when she hadn't come in. I didn't want to have to go through that again. I resolved to myself to treat her like just another customer.

I prepared an unsweetened ice tea with a wedge of lemon and headed out to Virginia's table. As I saw her sitting there, I felt my resolve starting to crumble. When Virginia looked up at me and smiled widely, my resolve just flew out the window. I smiled widely in return, my entire body thrilling as I walked up to her and said, "Hello, Virginia." As I sat the iced tea on the table, I decided to confront her about her absence and said, "I was starting to think you were never coming back."

I saw a look of consternation come over Virginia's face as I said that. She immediately said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Bonnie. I had to travel to San Jose and then to Littleton, CO, for my work. I just got back late last night."

When I saw how worried she was about upsetting me, I reached down and rested my fingertips on her arm. When I did, I felt a pulse go through my arm and spread throughout my whole body, and I nearly gasped in reaction. I saw the goosebumps rise on Virginia's arm as I leaned in and said in a low voice, "That's okay. Just let me know next time, so I don't worry?" I straightened back up after removing my hand from her arm and asked, "What would you like today? We have a new Chicken Pecan Summer Salad I can recommend."

Virginia smiled widely and said, "Thanks, Bonnie. Actually, I was thinking about ordering that. Let's do that, and I'll have pomegranate vinaigrette dressing on the side."

"That's a great choice. I'll go put your order in right away," I said, flashing Virginia another smile. I turned and headed back to the kitchen, working my walk and feeling her eyes on my ass. As I ducked around the corner, I heaved a big sigh and tried to calm myself down. I wrote up the order and presented it to Manny. He smiled at me and winked, letting me know he noticed my change in demeanor. I picked up the food for table three. I headed back out, making sure I concentrated on my customer instead of paying attention to Virginia. I glanced over once and saw she was looking at me, but I ignored it for the moment. I turned and smiled at her before I headed back to the kitchen.

I stopped by a couple of my other customers, refilling their drinks and busing their tables as necessary before Virginia's order was ready. Manny passed the salad to me with a big smile, and I had to smile back in response. I appreciated the fact Manny cared about my feelings.

I double-checked the salad and dressing before heading out to Virginia's table. When I presented it to Virginia and asked if it met her expectations, she smiled at me and said, "Thank you, Bonnie. It looks delicious." After a pause, she said, "Thanks for telling me about Mac's. I went there last Friday and enjoyed the food and atmosphere."

I smiled in appreciation of her praise and said, "Good, I'm glad you liked it. I liked the fact guys weren't constantly hitting on you when you just wanted some peace and quiet."

Virginia agreed with me and turned to her salad. I went off and took care of my other customers, keeping an eye on Virginia just in case she wanted something. I stopped and checked on her from time to time, striking up a conversation. I asked her about what was in Littleton, and she asked me what activities I liked to do. When she was done with her lunch, we went through our routine, and Virginia left to head back to the base. I went through the rest of the day in a daze. I thought about how I had reacted to Virginia showing up again and her interest in me ...

October 1985

As we sat around the table, Virginia and I discussed our plans for the evening. Mom told us she and Kathy would take the boys to Chuck E Cheese in Torrance for dinner tonight. I thanked Mom and Kathy for doing that, knowing how much the boys enjoyed going there. Soon, it was time to go, so Virginia and I got up to leave. We took turns hugging Mom and Kathy before hugging the boys and admonishing them to behave and mind Grandma before we headed out for the evening.