I'm Angry...

(Let me preface this rant by stating that I'm in no way trying to speak for trans men. If I stepped on any toes there, I offer my sincerest apologies. Also, for other trans women, I hope I've done your personal experience some level of justice, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about any of this. For everyone else, if I've offended or insulted you in any way... GOOD! I'm pretty damned dysphoric at the moment, my anxiety is ratcheted up off the scale, and I really just don't give a shit, because I'm hoping that, if you bother to read all of this, you may just learn a thing or two.)

(Also, if you're offended by the term "cisgender", here's a quick language lesson. "Cis-" is a prefix from Greek meaning "same-", much as "Trans-" means "different" or "opposite". It isn't an insult. Idiot, however, is.)

Hello. My name is B, and I'm a fetish object. Or a freak, depending on who you ask.

At least, that's how people like me are treated. You see, I'm a transgender woman, and in the eyes of the public at large, people like me tend to fall in two categories: fetish object or freak. Granted, there's many, many subcategories, but by and large, cisgender people (like you!) like to lump people like me (!) into one of these categories, by and large, thus dehumanizing us and enabling the discrimination, hate, and violence we experience on a daily basis, most of which goes unnoticed by cisgender people (like you!).

This may sound a bit harsh, maybe even over-the-top, but quite honestly, it's meant to be. I mean, let's face it, trans women in particular are murdered at a far higher rate than women in general, especially trans women of color. There's states where, if we try to use a restroom or locker room of the gender we identify with, we can be arrested for sexual assault. There's states where we can be fired from our jobs, denied housing, denied health care, and denied public assistance, all based on our gender identity.

"But this is the twenty-first century!", you say. "How can this be?"

Simple. Bigotry is alive and well, as is misinformation, stereotypes, and general transphobia. In fact, let's tackle some of this right now.

First of all, we are not "men in dresses", "transvestites", "traps", "shemales", "trannies", or whatever other derogatory term you would like to throw at us. We're women, plain and simple. We think like women, we talk like women, we act like women, we have the same wants, needs, desires, hopes, and fears as any other woman. Some of us have families, some of us have very fulfilling relationships with partners who love us, many of us are highly educated, and many of us have very productive careers, just like any other woman.

"Trap", in particular, especially hurts, because it carries the connotation that we intend to trap unsuspecting men and woman into sleeping with us, only to find out later that we're "not who we say we are". This couldn't be farther from the truth, although fully disclosing who we are to a potential romantic partner puts us at a high risk of violence, which is why we tend to not say anything until we're at least somewhat certain that cisperson won't lash out at us, which happens very often.

"Shemale" or "he/she" are other problematic phrases, because they give the impression that, if we haven't fully transitioned (had "the surgery", as cispeople like to say), we're somehow still male. This implies that we're strictly defined, as people, by our genitalia. Again, this has been proven false time and again by the very fact that, well, we exist.

At this point, some of you are preparing to make the genetics argument, that XX is female and XY is male, as the mythical diety of your choice intended it, so let's have a biology lesson. The truth is, genetics can come in a number of flavors. There can be X(O), XX, XY, XXY, XYY, XX/XY, so on and so forth. If you can think of it, there's a chance it can exist. Also, on the Y chromosome, there's something called the SRY gene that, if it's damaged, missing, or inactive for some reason, will produce a human that appears biologically female even though they're genetically "male". Also, thanks to the exploration of epigenetics, scientists have found something called "epi marks" on genes and chromosomes that help govern their behavior, further muddying the waters of what genetically defines us.

"But if so many of you have careers and are so educated and successful, where's the discrimination?", you may ask. That's true for those of us who were fortunate enough to have supportive parents, teachers, and peer groups. For the rest of us, we're not that fortunate. Many of us are shunned by our families and peer groups. Many of us also leave high school before graduating due to bullying, as well as pressure from teachers and administrators due to us being "distractions". Many of us attempt to attend college, only to drop out because of housing issues based on our gender identity. As a result, many of us end up in some sort of sex work, be it stripping, doing porn, or prostitution, putting us at even greater risk of violence.

I mean, let's face it, if we're transitioning, we'd look awfully out of place in the men's dorms, but if we haven't had "the surgery", cisgender women won't want us in the women's dorms. Am I wrong?

This also implies that our entire identity, our entire being, is tied to what is or isn't dangling between our legs. In fact, so many of the same women who call gender a construct and seek to tear it down are the same women who freak out when they find out a trans woman used the restroom next to them. I mean, seriously, are we all just walking penises and vaginas? Is that really what we are? And in that case, wouldn't that then imply that every other social stereotype about both men and women is true, even though women in particular have fought forever to disprove that? Or does that only apply for trans people?

"So why not just have the big surgery?" Have you seen how expensive it is? Never mind the cost of hormone replacement therapy, breast implants (if we need them), facial feminization, vocal coaching (no, hormones don't raise your voice, that's yet another myth), and other surgeries and procedures we get just to look presentable and "blend in", the cost of gender confirming surgery can cost upwards of $30,000 here in the States, and health insurance doesn't cover a single penny. In fact, beyond therapy (and even that can be limited to 26 visits a year) and hormone replacement (if we're lucky), none of it is covered, so we're forced to work multiple jobs, scrape by, and save like mad just to have the privilege of looking presentable. Even then, we're at the mercy of our therapists, who often must sign off on these procedures before we're allowed to have them.

It's literally like trying to drive through brick walls in a Honda Civic.

Sure, we can go to other countries like Thailand, South Korea, Mexico, Canada, or Indonesia, where many times, these procedures are far less expensive, but they're still not cheap, and the waiting lists are often very long. Also, the conditions are sometimes less than sanitary, raising the risk of infection and death.

So I suppose the big question now is, with all this difficulty we face, why do we go through with it? Why do we put ourselves through all of this? Why not just live in the gender we're assigned at birth? Why not just be gay or bi, or even straight for those of us attracted to women?

Let's do an exercise. Let's imagine, for a moment, that you're starting life completely over as a baby of the opposite gender, but you're exactly who you are right now mentally, whether that's male, female, agender, gender-fluid, or whatever. Now, let's say that, as you get older, say, around four years old, you start to realize that the girls on the playground at preschool are all wearing skirts (or some other cute outfit) and have their hair in cute ponytails, but you're wearing jeans, boys' gym shoes, and a t-shirt with some sports team logo on it that you could care less about, and to you, that feels completely wrong. So, you go home, and at dinner that night, you ask your mom and dad when you can grow your hair out and dress like other girls. How well do you think that would have gone over with your parents?

Let's say you're too afraid to broach the subject because you already know how Mom and Dad would react, so instead, when you're about fourteen years old, your mom finds the stash of makeup, panties, and other "girly" things you have stashed in your closet. Or, when you go to college, you finally get the courage to explore your identity, so after your first semester, you come home two months into hormone therapy you obtained on-campus and declare your newfound identity to your family. How do you think that would have gone?

The truth is, we do it because we need to, because we're uncomfortable in our own skin, because who we are inside doesn't reconcile with what we are outside. We do it because this is what we are, and we'll do just about anything to be able to be ourselves, even if it means risking our financial well-being, our relationships, or even our lives, and if you were in our situations, we bet you would too.

I've heard people conflate gender identity with "body image issues". These are two completely different things, even though, on the surface, they seem similar. Body image typically involves things like general appearance or weight, caused by various societal pressures, especially for women. Truth be told, trans women face these same pressures, and are often held to an even higher standard, lest we be inadvertently outed and place ourselves at risk. Through counseling and affirmation therapy, however, many times, body image issues can be conquered. The same doesn't hold true for gender identity, which is hard-wired into the brain. No amount of counseling, therapy, or abuse can change a person's gender identity, nor should someone be forced to "live with it".

So what's the solution? That's a very, very complex question, but I personally believe there's some very simple answers, and it starts with our families and friends finding the courage to accept and support us when we come out to them. For us, coming out is a huge leap, often rewarded with mental or physical violence. That shouldn't happen.

Second, increase access to care. Being transgender it a recognized medical condition. There is literally no reason medical insurance shouldn't cover transition care.

Third, stop attacking, raping, injuring, and killing us. If our presence literally makes you so uncomfortable that you fell the need to lash out at us, stop and ask yourself, is the problem our existence in a certain space, or is it that you're emotionally unable to deal with our existence in a certain space.

Fourth, stop acting like we're somehow out to get you. When we go to the ladies' room, we aren't trying to grope or rape your mothers, wives, or daughters. We're just there to pee. Seriously. That's all. Stop it. We're also not trying to turn men gay, or turn lesbians straight, or any other of the common tropes. If you're not attracted to us, that's fine, there's enough people that are, and we honestly couldn't care less that you're not. Good for you. And if you are attracted to us, and are willing to give us a chance, you may find out that we're pretty damned cool people.

Fifth, just let us live our lives. That may sound like a simplification of things, but in reality, it really is that simple. If we stand next to you, sit next to you, work with you, or somehow find ourselves in your presence, we're probably there for the same reason you are, or at least a similar reason.

Now, this being a site that deals with adult content, how does this apply here? To that, I ask, have you looked through the "Transgender and Crossdressers Hub"? Every possible incorrect trope, overy stereotype, every myth, every falsehood, it's all there in all its glory. It's seriously about the single biggest source of misinformation on transgender people I've read on the web. It's awful. I keep coming back, though, because once in a great while, someone writes a story that's actually from the perspective of a trans person, and it's validating and, honestly, comforting.

Typically, though, the writer is another trans person, which is well and good, but the vast majority of writers on here aren't; nor do they even remotely bother to try to understand the experience of actually being a trans person. Instead, they rely on tropes, stereotypes, and myths, writing adult stories that ultimately are turn-offs for trans people, or are simply written for cisgender men (and maybe women). Just once, I'd love to see one of these writers make a solid attempt at writing something based in reality, instead of, "Oh, last week, I was Jim, but I put on a dress and some heels and makeup, and now I'm Jane, and no one can tell the difference!". No, make no mistake, everyone who isn't drunk or high (and even most of them) can tell the difference unless you're seriously making an effort. I mean, have any of these authors actually ever met a trans woman in real life, much less spoken with one at any sort of length? Much less slept with one?

Let's just say I have my doubts.

I know this little rant has pissed off, annoyed, offended, and generally angered some people here. Good. I'm glad. I really hope it has, because through that, I hope you're able to take a step back and see things from my perspective for a moment, and maybe it might shift a few perspectives for the better. I'm also hoping this opens a dialogue for people, so maybe cisgender people can actually take the time to learn about trans people.

Thanks.