I'm Not Who I Used to Be

However, the only way I was going to be able to find Michael meant that I was going to have to go and talk to his family, and I had mixed feelings about doing that. The truth of the matter was that I was afraid to face them, knowing that he'd more than likely told them all about me, as well as how terrible I'd been to him, and if he hadn't told them about me, I was certain that his cousin Mark, had. I knew this because my roommate and sorority sister, Dani Anderson, who knew Mark, had once told me that Mark explained to her how close Michael was to his family, and that was a quality about him which endeared him to me that much more.

"Please, God," I tearfully prayed, that night, "Please tell me what to do, Lord. Only you know how I feel about him...how I've always felt about him, but was too stupid and too prideful to openly admit to my own self, much less anyone else. Please, Father," I now begged, disgraceful, and reprehensible tears pouring down my face like a dull, miserable rain, "Please help me find him, God, if for any reason to tell him how sorry I am for the sinfully appalling way I treated him. I don't care if I ever get the chance to be with him; I at least want him to know how sorry I am, I'm so sorry,"," and then I was so dazed by my own shame and grief that I suddenly began feeling agonizingly crippled, another precursor to unmercifully crying myself to sleep...again...

~~~~~~

I woke up that next morning feeling a lot better than I had in quite some time. I still had some issues concerning what I'd done to Michael, but I was no longer afraid of facing his family now. I knew that whether or not they told me where he was, I was undeniably deserving of whatever they had to say to me.

It was Saturday, and I got up early that morning to have a decent breakfast and still have enough time to take a nice, hot, shower. After I finished drying my body, I put on my best matching bra and panty set, which were a dark shade of burgundy. I took my time doing my hair and applying my make-up, simply because I wanted to look my very best when I drove out to speak with Michael's family, regardless of the reception I got.

After I was finally dressed and ready to go, I thought that maybe I might bring a friend with me, perhaps my old sorority sister, Dani, to be there for moral support. But I decided against it at the last minute, because I thought that Michael's family might interpret it as a sign of weakness when that was most certainly not the case.

Yes, I was afraid of what they might say to me, but because of the gentle kind way that Michael had always conducted himself around me, even in the face of my cocky arrogance as well as the pissy attitude I'd almost always displayed in his presence, I knew that he'd been taught to act like he did, hence the reason that it seemed to be second nature to him. This made me take a moment consider that maybe meeting his family wasn't going to be as bad as I originally thought it might be.

After some careful thought and consideration, I somehow knew that his parents, while they might not tell me where he was, would certainly be civil in their actions toward me, even though I felt like I deserved the raging brunt of their wrath for the way I'd treated their son. Little did I realize the complete one hundred and eighty degree turn my life was about to take...?

~~~~~~

ME

Regardless of the wonderful time I'd had during our performance the night before; I went to sleep that night with a troubled heart, not being able to remember what I'd dreamed about the following morning.

However, when I finally did wake up, I found myself in a very confused state of mind. One thing I didn't understand was why Sarah had so suddenly come back to lie in my heart and in my head, especially after all the time that had passed since I'd last seen her.

Even though it was nice and sunny that Saturday morning, I still felt uneasy because of the feelings that were now at the very forefront of my mind. What troubled me the most though, was the fact that the emotional distress I was experiencing stemmed from feelings that I thought I'd already dealt with, and laid to rest a long time ago...

~~~~~~

I was sitting out on the back glassed-in patio behind our beach house, looking out at the Ocean, as the Pacific morning tide came rolling in. I was peacefully trying to deal with what was going on with me, Mark appeared beside me with a cup of coffee in each hand.

"Mornin, Cuz," he grinned, placing one of the cups on the table in front of me, "Great show last night, huh?" as he took a seat in the chair to my right hand side, his funny demeanor awaken me with a smile.

"Yeah," I quietly replied, when I should've been bouncing off the walls the same way I always did on the mornings after we'd played the night before, "It was alright."

"It was just alright?" he knowingly asked, clearly able to tell that something was bothering me, "Okay, what's wrong, Mike?'

"You really don't want to know," I wearily replied, "Trust me on this one, Cuz."

"It's Sarah Caine again, isn't it?" he quietly asked, placing his hand on my shoulder, "Come on Mike, I thought you already decided that it's not going to do you one bit of good to keep dwelling on her like this."

"You're right," I replied, "But this time I can't help feeling like there's really something wrong with her. It's like I can tell that something or someone is going to try to hurt her, and I just can't explain how or why I'm feeling the way I am, Mark, but I swear that somewhere, something is terribly wrong."

"Look man," Mark said, a slight tinge of anger in his voice, "We're on the threshold of living out the dream you and I have been talking about ever since we were both little. Now is not the time to let something that is going to do nothing but screw up your head stand in the way. Ahmet is offering us the brass ring, Michael, and we'd be stupid not to take it. Besides you and I both know that an opportunity like this might never come again."

Mark had only ever called me by my full name when he was either upset with me, or he was trying to make point. This time I knew it was a very strong mixture of both. I was in no way trying to mess up what we had going on musically, but at the same time I simply could not ignore what I was feeling, hence the reason I told Mark what I did.

"Look, man! I'm not trying to mess anything up, but think back to when I was your Karate student," I said, standing up to make my point, "Did you, or did you not tell me to listen to my gut when I felt like there was trouble brewing somewhere?"

"You're right," he chuckled, shaking his head as the honorably quiet understanding we shared of one another openly began ringing true. And knowing that we were risking everything we'd worked so hard for, Mark still grinned at me like he always does and asked me "So, what're we gonna do?"

"I don't know" I chuckled, "But I'll figure something out...I just don't know what, at least not yet anyway."

"Alright then," he smiled, patting me on the shoulder again, "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

"Thanks, Mark," I replied, suddenly turning to hug him, "You know...I don't know what I'd ever do without you, Cuz."

"Don't sweat it, Bro," he warmly laughed, gently returning the hug I was giving him "That's what family does; and besides, we've been in tougher spots than this..."

~~~~~~

HER

I pulled down the long driveway that connected to the Taylor family's home, not having the slightest idea what awaited me once I knocked on their front door. But this was something I knew I had to do not only for Michael, but also for me as well...

~~~~~~

I parked my car in the circular driveway that ran in front of one of the most beautiful Spanish Style ranch houses that I'd ever seen, and after opening my door, I got out of my car, closing it behind me. I only had to walk about twenty feet to get to the front door, but it seemed like it was the longest twenty feet of my life, yet I still did it, regardless of what I was feeling; knocking on the door once I got there.

"May I help you?" a very beautifully stunning blonde haired woman kindly smiled, when she answered the door.

"Yes, ma'am," I courteously, as well as respectfully replied, "Are you Michael Taylor's mother?"

"Yes," she sweetly yet knowingly smiled, "And I'd be willing to bet this ranch that you're Sarah Caine. Aren't you, sweetie?"

"Yes, ma'am," I quietly answered her, my voice beginning to falter, and then because of how kind she was being to me even though she already knew who I was; the already faltering grip I had on my composure began to slip away from me. However, right before totally losing it, I distressingly told her, "I need to find Michael to apologize to him for being such a..." and then I fell into a fit of tears, beginning to lose what little composure I had left, almost to the point of no return, until Michael's mother quickly responded.

"Shh...it's okay, sweetie," she tenderly soothed me, quickly pulling me into her arms as I began to cry harder than I'd ever cried before in my life, "Why don't we go inside and have a seat?" and then she slowly led me into her house closing the door behind us, while I tightly held onto her, weeping like a newborn...

~~~~~~

After I regained control of myself, I looked at Michael's mother and realized that, even though this woman and her son looked nothing alike, I could still see and feel the same gentle warmth and kindness in her eyes that used to make me feel so uncomfortable when I looked into Michael's.

"Please forgive me, Missus Taylor," I quietly began, my eyes cast downward in disgraceful embarrassment, "But the reason I came out here is because..."

"My name is Susan," she sweetly interrupted me, using her soft hand to gently raise my chin so she could look me in the face, "And now I can see why my son is so crazy about you. You're a very beautiful young woman, Sarah, just like he told me you were."

I was about to tell her the reason I came to see her, but before I could speak, she sweetly silenced me by ever so gently placing her right index finger upon my lips, and then with a comforting smile on her stunning face she then took my hand and stood us up as she softly smiled and told me, "Why don't we go into the kitchen? I just finished brewing a fresh pot of coffee, and then we can sit down together and you can tell me all about what's got you so upset. You might even be surprised by what I've got to tell you, okay, sweetheart?"

"Yes, ma'am," I quietly replied, as she led me by the hand into her kitchen...

~~~~~~

After fixing me a cup of coffee the way I liked it, Susan placed it in front of me and then sat down across the table from me and said, "Before you tell me why you think you have to apologize to Michael, there's something I think you should know first. Once I'm finished with what I've got to tell you, then you can decide whether or not you should apologize at all, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am," I respectfully replied.

"Let me begin by telling you how much I appreciate you coming all the way out here to apologize to Michael in person, and also how very highly I think of you and respect you for having the guts to come here alone, Sarah. I know that you're afraid of what you thought we might say, or, heaven forbid, do to you for the things you think warrant an apology to my son, but things are not what they seem," Susan told me, "On the day that my son was born, I knew that he was a very special boy, and I also knew that he was going to grow up to be a very special man..."

"...Michael's father is full blooded Chiricahua Apache Indian like his mother, Michael's grandmother. Right after he was born, she told me that Michael is what the Apache call a Kaneahe (pronounced: Kah nay ah hey), which translated is "A Child of Light," meaning that this is the first time his soul has ever been upon this earth. And that quality is what makes him so special. May I ask you something, Sarah?"

"Of course," I softly replied, "Please feel free to ask me anything you'd like, and I promise to tell you the truth."

"Alright then," Susan again gave me the same knowing smile that Michael always had, "Even though you thought Michael looked like a geek and a nerd, it still made you very uncomfortable when you would look into his eyes. Am I right?"

"Yes, ma'am," I shamefully, yet truthfully replied, as my eyes began to fill with painful tears again, "You're right."

"And when you would see him talking to other girls," Susan pointed out, "It made you feel jealous because he was talking to them and not you, yes?"

"Yes, ma'am," I began to cry, my shame now complete, "Please understand me when I tell you that I didn't know why I felt like I did. I still don't, I swear it's the truth."

"Aw, there's no need for you to cry, Sarah honey," Susan tenderly explained, handing me a piece of tissue to wipe my tears with, gently patting my hand as she did so, "You've done nothing wrong."

"Yes, I have," I openly admitted, "I treated him terribly, and I also said some really God awful things to him. Even after all this time I can still remember the pain and humiliating rejection that flashed across his face, while he still nobly walked away...God, it's literally killing me just talking about it. That's why I need to see him. I have to apologize to him for all of the bad things I said to him and for the terrible way I treated him...I don't know how it happened, and I can't explain it even now, but somewhere through all of this I fell in love him, Susan; I love your beautiful son more than I've ever loved anything in the whole wide world," and then I could no longer talk for the excruciating pain I was feeling; causing me to very painfully cry, almost on the edge of hysterically collapsing into the floor.

All of a sudden Susan was standing right next to where I was sitting at the table, reaching down and ever so gently pulling me up from the table and into her arms, holding me as tightly as she could, just as if I were one of her own children.

"He loves you, too," she quietly told me, my tears almost magically ceasing to flow any further, "He always has, and I promise you that he always will. I know my own son, so; believe me."

"Is that right?" I asked, as she nodded her head, "Then would you please tell me where I can find him, I need him like I need the air to be able to breathe."

"I'll do you one better than that," Susan began to impishly grin, "How would you like me to take you to him?"

"Are you kidding me?" I began to smile once again, "I'd love it."

"That sounds good to me, too," Susan tenderly replied, "But first I'm going to make a quick phone call so that we can surprise him."

"We?" I asked, as I wiped the tears from my face, knowing that my make-up was a complete total mess by then, "What're you talking about?"

"I'll explain everything on the way to the airport," she conspiratorially giggled, "Let me pack a bag while you redo your make-up. And then I need to make a couple of phone calls before we leave to follow you to your house were you need pack yourself a bag and drop your car off. After that's done, we're going to do a little shopping before we leave...I need you to blindly trust me here, okay pretty girl?"

"Yes ma'am, of course," I smiled, pulling Susan into my arms to return the favor, "Whatever you want to do is fine with me. I only hope that Michael will be as happy to see me that I know I'm going to be to see him..."

~~~~~~

ME

As Mark and I were talking that morning, I heard the phone begin to ring. It only rang twice before either Kevin or Lee answered it. It had to be one of those two because of the fact that Mark and I had been sitting out back all morning.

Sure enough, less than ten seconds later, Kevin walked out back with a smile on his face and said, "It's for you, Mark. It's some woman that said she needed to talk to you really bad...she sounds really hot, too. Ask if she has a couple of friends for me and..."

"Shut up, you horny bastard," Mark laughed, interrupting him as he stood up to go take the call, "Your dick is gonna to get you into serious trouble one of these days."

"I know," Kevin laughed, "And your point is?"

Mark simply walked away laughing, shaking his head.

"So, we had a great show last night," Kevin excitedly grinned, "What do you think, Mike?"

"Of course we did," I grinned, not wanting to rain on his parade, "Especially now that our music is playing on the radio."

"I know, right?" Kevin agreed smiling, "Oh man; that's something I never thought would happen."

"Why not?" I quickly asked him, "Hell, brother, we've done nothing but get better ever since we put this band together going on five years ago; and you know I'm right, too."

"I know," he boyishly chuckled, "I still remember the night we played our very first gig together. You may not believe this, but I was real nervous that night. I never told you and Mark, but that was the first time I ever played in front of a live audience."

"Really?" I asked him, surprised because of how well he'd done that night, "Did Lee know?"

"He knew," Kevin chuckled, "And he threatened to kick my ass if I screwed up, so; I made certain that I knew the material inside out."

"What an asshole," I began to heartily laughed, "Go back in there and wake his lazy ass up. Tell him I said to get his butt out here right now so I can chew his ass for threating the best bass player in the world."

"Thanks, Mike," Kevin warmly smiled, "I'm glad you think so."

"I don't just think so; I know so, Kevin," I smiled, reaching over and patting him on the shoulder, "Now, go wake Lee's ass up. Hell, it's going on eleven o'clock. He'd sleep the damn day away if we let him."

"I can't go wake him up, because he's not here," Kevin knowingly grinned, "He went home with Phoebe Bradley after the show last night."

"What a dog," I began to hysterically howl with laughter "Wait till he shows back up. I'm gonna give him mortal hell."

"I heard that," Kevin snickered, "But you gotta admit, Mike; Phoebe is hot as hell."

"You're right about that brother," I laughed, "But Lee was a real sneaky fucker about it, wasn't he?"

"Hell that's nothing," Kevin chuckled, "He's always been that way."

All of a sudden Mark came back into the room with a shit eating grin on his face and announced, "Go change into your shorts get you wetsuits and grab your boards boys. We're going down to Huntington Beach to shoot the pier."

"I don't know, Mark," Kevin warily replied, "You know me, I'll go surfing anytime, anywhere, man; but I don't know if I'm ready to shoot the pier at Huntington yet."

"No problem, brother; you can chase the hot girls that're always down there," he smiled, "In the mean time go wake Lee's ass up. He's going with us."

"He's not here," I grinned, "He left with Phoebe Bradley after the show last night and he hasn't made it home yet."

"Hmph," Mark distastefully snorted, "That fucker! No wonder she put the cock-block on me last night," and of course Kevin and I fell into a fit of almost childish laughter over what Mark just said.

"Screw you guys," Mark grinned, "That shit ain't funny. You wait, Kevin, I'm gonna show you just how it feels the very next time I see you talking to some hot girl..."

~~~~~~

HER

"It's so nice to meet you, Sarah," Michael's sister, Claire, smiled, giving me a warm hug, as we all sat together at the small airport, waiting for the Learjet that Susan had hired to take us to Los Angeles, as it was taking on fuel, "And you're so pretty, too."

"You really are, Sarah," Michael's Aunt Trish sweetly told me, "I can't wait to see the stupid look on my nephew's face when he sees you later this evening."

"I know," Myra Gayle giggled, "We rarely get the opportunity to catch my brother with his pants down; so, this is gonna be a Blue Ribbon Event."