Infidelity Anonymous 01: To Begin

Be warned: there is no explicit sex in this story. This is not about BTB or RAAC.

As a potentially interesting exploration in storytelling, I am writing a series of stories about a fictitious organization designed along the lines of Alcoholics Anonymous where both people who have cheated on their spouses and the spouses they cheated on can both find support and forgiveness as they work to rebuild their lives. There may well be an organization like this, and there are many organizations that attempt to meet the needs of those whose happiness has been destroyed by infidelity, but this creation is meant to be pure fiction.

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James looked around the room. It was mostly regulars tonight, so the meeting would be easy. Newbies may be most in need, but they could also be the most difficult to manage. Their anger is raw and the betrayal is still fresh in their minds. James was one of the founding members of the group and one of three that rotated through the meeting chair. Tonight he would be leading the discussion and trying to steer the group away from the conflict that could boil just below the surface.

James heard Henry's booming laugh before he saw him; and Henry was a big man, so seeing him was not a challenge. Henry was over by the coffee pot talking with David, Claire and a newbie that James didn't recognize. Henry used humor to mask his pain. He was quick with a joke and it seemed he had a limitless supply, but James had seen his friend break down more than once while telling his story.

"Okay, okay, everyone! Let's come to order. Fill your coffee cup, grab that second donut (okay, Henry, in your case it's your third...) and let's get the meeting started." That got the meeting started with a good laugh. The group seemed to look forward to James' and Henry's sparring and they were seldom disappointed.

"Hello. My name is James and I'm a victim of infidelity."

"Hi, James!" There's something about being greeted by twenty people all at once that does the soul good.

"Now we have a few people visiting for the first time tonight, so let's remind everyone why we meet and how we conduct ourselves. This is a twelve-step program to aid in the recovery for both people who have cheated on their spouses, the spouses who were cheated on, and the children and families that get caught in the middle. Our view is that infidelity hurts everyone and that those who cheat are as much wounded by their actions as those who are cheated on. We don't judge. We hope that by listening to each other we might also understand the people that we hurt as well as those who hurt us. So if you are a victim of infidelity looking to be whole again, we welcome you. And if you were an unfaithful spouse and you're looking to change your life, we welcome you, too." The group always gives a round of applause at that point and tonight was no exception. "Last of all, this is not a place for vengeance and it's not a damn pickup joint. We welcome you, but if you can't play by the rules, then there's the door!"

"Okay, let's start in our usual way by saying the Serenity Prayer."

Together, the group recited: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

"Who'd like to go first tonight?"

"I will." A fairly average looking guy stood up in the middle of the room and walked toward the podium. "Hi! My name is Jake and I'm a victim of infidelity."

"Hi, Jake!"

"So, let me start by saying that I'm not a big fan of that word 'victim'. I caught my wife cheating on me. I still can't believe it. I mean, it's such a cliché. I caught her in our house, in our bed, banging her boss." The group knew the rules by now and they stayed quiet, listened respectfully, and gave their full support to Jake, but a few lowered their eyes and shook their heads in disapproval. "Okay, it's true: when I found them, I went a little nuts." That got a laugh. Jake was a regular at the meeting and the other regulars had heard his story before. "I tried to jam a baseball bat up the guy's fu... I mean, his rectum." That drew another chuckle.

"The thing is, something broke in me that day. There are hours I still don't remember even now. One minute I was looking at my wife lying naked on the bed and her boss lying unconscious on the floor, and the next thing I remember I'm sitting in my chair in the living room. I think I lost about 2 hours and I still don't know what I did other than sit in that chair in some kind of stupor."

"It was my sister D and her husband Steve that got me through it. Well, there was also a woman named Bridget who did wonders for me, too." Jake was grinning now while at the same time there were smiles and nods of understanding in the room. They knew full well that six months of sex had done wonders for Jake's outlook. "I went through all the usual stages, some fast and the others slow. I was angry. I felt betrayed. I got even. Oh, I did it legally; I told his wife." That got another chuckle from the room. "After that, I started to doubt myself. I refused to answer her calls. I snuck out the back door when she waited for me at work. I was angry and feeling sorry for myself."

The group was listening intently.

"Well, long story short, I decided that I am not responsible for her choices. I'm only human and that means I am imperfect, but I'm working on it and getting better. I'm dropping the anger; and every time I feel mad about what she did, I play with my niece and nephew and I feel better about myself and everyone around me. Of course, if the little ones start crying, I just hand them back to my sister."

Many in the group smiled at that last remark.

"I may be a victim to her treachery, her betrayal, but I don't have to live like a victim. I can decide to just drop all that anger by the side of the road and move on. Part of that is learning to forgive her."

Lines like that always get a little grumble from the room.

"I'm not saying I feel all hugs and kisses toward her. In fact, I don't even see her; but I will someday. I want to be able to look at her and not feel anger, or resentment, or pain. I'm going to feel sorry for her. She threw away the best thing she ever had and I'm modest enough to say that."

Jake grinned when he said it and the room was smiling again.

"I am powerless to change her and I am giving myself over to a higher power. All I can do is take it one day at a time, make myself a better man, be true to the people around me, and take pride in myself in the process."

At the end of his story, Jake got a warm applause from the group.

Almost as an afterthought, he said, "Of course, it helps that his wife is a vengeful woman and she fucked him up!"

Okay, that got the biggest laugh and applause of the night.

James walked to the front of the room. "Okay, I'm not sure that last bit is entirely in the spirit of the twelve steps, but we all have our own interpretation. Who's next? Who would like to speak tonight?"

In the back of the room a hand went up.

"Yes, you in the back? Come on up. We're all friends here."

A petite woman in her early thirties stood and walked to the front of the room.

"Hello. My name is Jeanie. This is my first time here tonight and I hope you can be patient with me. You see, I'm the opposite of Jake. I cheated on my husband and he's divorcing me for it."

The room gave a quiet "Hi, Jeanie." The response wasn't so much judgmental as it was respectful. They could see that Jeanie was nervous and she was in pain. The usual boisterous welcome would have been too much for her.

The room sat quietly, waiting for Jeanie to start. James looked around and saw a mix of emotions from pity to anger, but everyone sat still and quietly listened to Jeanie tell her story.

"James said that we can all learn from each other, so maybe some of you can learn how a very foolish woman feels when she screws up and loses the best thing she ever had. I'm afraid I don't need to learn just how much my actions hurt my husband. I know that all too well."

"My story isn't very complicated. My husband never did anything to deserve my betrayal. We had a good marriage. He didn't do anything that caused me to turn my back on him. I did that all by myself. There is no justification for what I did, no great revelation. I was just a stupid little girl who forgot how good she had it."

"In the neighborhood where we lived, the families used to get together for cookouts on the weekends. The men grilled and the women gossiped. I suppose some of us flirted more than we should, but it was all very innocent. Looking back on it, the flirting was a mistake. I'd been married for a few years and we went steady for two years while we were still in school and before we got engaged. I was so used to being sexy for my husband I guess it all went to my head. Maybe I started wondering if anyone else still thought I was sexy. I don't know. That's the problem with being stupid. It's hard to put your finger on just one reason when there's no good reason at all and so many mistakes to choose from."

"There was this one neighbor. His name was Frank. I suppose he liked the flirting more than the other husbands. It's just that it always felt so safe, you know? Anyway, he always liked to dance with the wives. He'd give me a little tickle every now and then and sometimes I'd brush up against him and... Well, that's not important. At first, he had nothing but good things to say about my husband, but later he started making little remarks that weren't as kind. I started thinking maybe there was some truth to it. I met him a few weekdays for lunch when he '...just happened to be in the area.' It was all innocent, until it wasn't. He played on my insecurities and my vanity. He got me thinking things that weren't true, and the more I thought about them the worse I treated my husband.

"Pretty soon, some of those things really were true because I was making them happen. My poor treatment of my husband had him not appreciating me and he certainly didn't appreciate the way I was treating him. Before long, intimacy was a casualty to my stupidity. I started feeling rejected and unloved. After that, I was an easy mark for Frank. He talked me into meeting him, and since I was already keeping little secrets from my husband the big secrets came easy. My husband caught us. In an instant I went from getting revenge for things that never happened to destroying my marriage. The worst thing was I had no one to blame but myself. Sure, I can blame Frank for being... I don't know... Frank! He's an asshole, but the world is full of assholes. I learned that when I was still a girl. I let this one particular asshole past my defenses and that was all my doing."

"I tried to talk with my husband after that. I begged him to forgive me, but he was hurting too much to listen. He moved out and then he shut me out. I got served. The divorce will be final in a few weeks. I lost the best man I ever knew and all for some foolish ideas that never were true. I'm trying to forgive myself and someday I will forgive myself for hurting me, but I don't think I will ever forgive myself for hurting the man I married, the man who loved me."

Jeanie was sobbing uncontrollably now. Very softly, almost too quiet to be heard, she said, "James said we can learn from each other. Okay, here's something you can take with you. Some people are just stupid little bitches who let their vanity and their insecurity destroy everything that's good in their lives. Sometimes it's no more complicated than that."

Jeanie was drained. She couldn't go on. She stepped away from the podium and walked back to her chair. One person started to clap, as is the custom after someone shares, but no one joined in and he stopped. The room was quiet. One way or another, everyone knew her pain all too well.

James stepped forward. "Thank you for sharing, Jeanie. Believe me, you are not alone. Keep coming back. There is healing here. I promise. Okay, we have time for one more. Who wants to share?"

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For those who might be interested, I told more of Jake's story in "Playing Baseball With The Boss."