Infidelity Anonymous 09: Good Night

Infidelity Anonymous 09: A Good Night

It's been over a year since I wrote an installment in the Infidelity Anonymous series mostly because I ran out of ideas. Then this evening I thought of something that was a little different from the usual, and then that led to another idea, and finally I thought that maybe others might like it, too. So here is a story about recovery and healing.

As usual for this series, there is no sex in this story.

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It was the weekly meeting of the local chapter of Infidelity Anonymous and the group was beginning to gather. The chairs were lined in rows, and everyone was claiming their seats. The coffee was ready, and the members were filling their cups. There were donuts on the table, and someone had brought a coffee cake. In other words, it was the start of a typical meeting.

Like IA chapters across the country, the meeting was open to everyone who was a victim of infidelity or was themselves the unfaithful spouse. All that anyone needed to attend was a desire to heal and be healed. This was not a place for recrimination; it was a place to end the pain and learn to live again.

It was Henry's night to moderate the meeting, but he was in a conversation with a new member. IA meetings accepted anyone who wanted to attend, and it could be an eclectic group some nights. Despite that, this new member stood out. He was wearing a rumpled and worn brown suit that was about as nondescript as possible and several years out of date. From the looks of it, he lived in that suit.

When it was time for the meeting to begin, Henry called everyone to get their coffee and donut and find a seat as the meeting would soon be starting. It was a cooperative group that was familiar with the process, and it didn't take long for the room to grow quiet.

Henry stepped to the front of the room. "Okay, everyone! Let's come to order. It's time to get the meeting started. Hello. My name is Henry and I'm a victim of infidelity."

The crowd spoke as in one voice, "Hi, Henry!"

"Let's remind everyone why we're here. This is a twelve-step program to aid in the recovery for both people who have cheated on their spouses, the spouses who were cheated on, and the children and families that get caught in the middle. We come here to heal ourselves and each other. We do that by sharing our stories and listening.

"Okay, let's start in our usual way by saying the Serenity Prayer."

Together, the group recited: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

With the usual preliminaries behind them, Henry asked the customary question, "Would anyone like to share first tonight?"

There were nights when no one wanted to go first, and this night was one of those nights. It's hard to stand up in front of a group of mostly strangers and tell your tale of pain and loss.

"Well, in that case I'd like to call on a friend of mine. John, would be willing to explain why you are here tonight?"

Eyes turned toward the man in the brown suit who seemed less than pleased with the attention, but he rose and walked to the front of the room.

"Ah..." John took a deep breath and rubbed his mouth, then exhaled. "This is surprisingly hard. I make my living speaking uncomfortable truths to clients and keeping my mouth shut the rest of the time. I wasn't prepared to speak tonight." He turned to Henry and muttered "Thanks."

Henry returned John's remark with a faint smile but said nothing.

Turning back to the group, he started with an apology. "My name is John Walters and I've been happily married for twenty-five years."

The group responded in one voice as was their custom, "Hi, John!"

"I almost feel like I need to apologize for that introduction, but I really am happily married. That's not my problem. I have a wonderful, kind, and sometimes patient wife named Milly."

John smiled and a quiet chuckle passed through the group.

"I'm not here because my wife has cheated on me, or because I'm divorced, or because of any of the usual reasons. In some ways, I'm here because you are. You see, I've been involved with hundreds of unfaithful spouses and almost as many divorces through the years and it's starting to take its toll on me."

The group started looking at one another. John wasn't getting off on the right foot tonight.

"Don't misunderstand me. I'm a private detective. People hire me when they think their spouse is cheating and it's my job to deliver the bad news. I have to tell you that if you think your spouse is cheating, odds are they are.

"When I first got into the business, I had in mind that I'd be investigating corporate espionage and tracking down long-lost loves and heirs to the family fortune, but I spend most of my time spying through windows and sitting in dark bars watching cheaters making out in corner booths. Sometimes I'm lucky and I can sit in my comfortable car and watch a motel room door for an hour until the cheaters exit the room and I get the photographs I need. I deliver the bad news to mostly good people with photographs and recordings that the client can take to their lawyer, and I tell myself that I'm helping someone with their problem. For the most part, I still think I am, but it gets to you after a while, and you start thinking the whole world cheats.

"I wish I could tell you why I came here tonight, but I really can't. Part of me wants to apologize for what I do, and part of me wants to believe there is life after I deliver the bad news. I figure that if I can understand how you get over the pain of cheating, maybe I can use that same knowledge to feel a little better about what I do for a living."

John thought for a moment and decided that he'd said what he needed to say. "Thanks for listening and I hope I wasn't a part of the chaos that brought you here."

Somewhat to his surprise, John received a warm round of applause after his share. As he sat, several people leaned in his direction to assure him that whatever chaos had brought them there, it was not his fault.

Henry stepped to the front of the room as the applause died. "Thanks for sharing, John. A part of what we do here is to learn to accept what is our responsibility and lay down the guilt that is not our own. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that you are only a witness to the choices that others make."

The meeting was off to an interesting start. You never know where these evenings are headed, but Henry liked the way the group showed support for John, and he was encouraged that the night would continue that way.

In a calm voice intended to prevent the evening from becoming more of a show than a therapeutic session, Henry said, "Okay, who else would like to share tonight?"

A man in the back of the room raised his hand.

Henry recognized him from earlier meetings, but he had never spoken at a meeting before. He held his hand out and beckoned the man to come forward saying, "Please, come on up and share your thoughts with us tonight."

The man walked toward the front of the room. He was of medium build, neatly groomed with wire rim glasses, and wore neither a suit nor the work clothes of a man who works with his hands. Henry guessed he might be a teacher or computer type, but that was just a mental game Henry liked to play before a person spoke.

The man seemed nervous, and Henry made an effort to put him at ease. "Welcome. We're all friends here, so just speak your mind."

The man nodded and turned to the group. "My name is George and I'm a victim of infidelity."

As was their custom, the group responded, "Hi, George!"

"I've been coming to these meetings for a few weeks, and I wasn't planning to speak tonight, but John's share made me think that I needed to say a few words."

Turning toward John, he said, "You probably don't remember me, but I was one of your clients about a year ago."

John nodded that he did recognize George.

"I thought my wife was having an affair, but I had no idea how, or when, or with who. I still don't know how you managed it, but she was and two weeks later you had the evidence. It was an old boyfriend. He was married - emphasis on the 'was'. I believe in sharing information, and I shared it all with his wife."

That drew a muffled laugh from the group.

"The thing I remember from that day when you told me what you'd learned... well, the two or three things I remember, are the horrible pain of knowing what I had only suspected, the fact that you only charged me half of what you told me it would cost, and the beer you bought me when we were done. I think the beer is what I will remember most of that day. You took a broken man across the street, and you bought him a beer. You told me that you'd seen a lot of this in your line of work and that I would get over it and be happy again. I didn't believe you. In fact, I actually thought you were one hard-ass, cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch, but I remember that you took the time to tell me it would be okay. And you know what? It has been. My friends and family picked up where you left off, helped me get through the betrayal and the divorce, and walked me into the light on the other side. You didn't just turn me loose and neither did they. You and them and the people in this meeting have all helped to make me see that I still have a life to live and it's going to be a good life. One day at a time - that's what they say here and I'm living it. I'm taking time to rediscover myself before I try to build something with anyone else, but I know that day is coming, too.

"So I want to thank you for everything you did for me. You showed me the unhappy truth that I needed to see, and you assured me it wasn't the end of the world. Now I'm standing here a year later, and I want to tell you that you were right. I've survived and I'm moving on. So when you think about the ugliness that you see in your line of work, I want you to remember the support you give those of us who need it. You don't create the ugliness - you just lift the veil and reveal it. I wouldn't want to have gone through life in the dark not knowing the lies I was being told. You didn't ruin my life. You saved it and I thank you for that."

That was all that George had to say, but it was a lot. Without further fanfare, he started back to his seat as the group gave him a heartfelt round of applause.

Henry walked back to the front of the room as he clapped. Most shares are filled with pain and offered by people who are trying to make sense of the reality around them. Henry could not help but wish that more of the shares were like George's. It was uplifting.

"Thank you, George. I know it takes a lot of courage to step up here and share for the first time, but I think your words are an inspiration for us all." Looking over at John, he added, "And, John, I hope you are starting to see the good you do with your work. I understand very well what George went through and you did him a very necessary service even if it was painful. Sometimes, we need that."

There were nods around the room. More than a few had used the services of someone like John and they understood that the truth can be painful, but it's less painful than living the lie.

Turning back to the group, Henry said, "Would anyone else be willing to share tonight?"

A woman who appeared to be in her late forties raised her hand. Henry recognized her immediately. "Margaret? Please, come up." The woman smiled, and as she walked to the front of the room, Henry took the liberty of saying, "We haven't seen you in a while."

She shook her head and said, "It has been a while, hasn't it?"

Margaret turned to face the group, and then turning toward John she said, "John, this is for you."

Turning back to face the group, she said, "My name is Margaret and I'm a victim of infidelity."

"Hi, Margaret!"

"My husband left me without warning when I was pregnant with our son."

There was an audible gasp from the group, and you could see the anger on the faces of many.

"I got no warning, and I didn't have someone like John to provide answers to my questions. I just walked into our apartment one night after work and he was gone. There was a note that said he had left me, but no explanation.

"It was hard for a time. I didn't see it coming and I had no idea he was unhappy. In fact, to this day I don't know why he left other than he hooked up with a woman he worked with. They left town and I never heard from him again."

You didn't need years of experience with the group to know how this story was being received.

"That was twenty-two years ago. It was a tough road for a few years. I moved back in with my parents, and they helped me with my son as I went back to work." Turning toward John Walters, she smiled and said, "His name is John, too." That drew a smile from many in the group. "Time passed, I earned a bunch of promotions at work, and my son grew. When I told my parents it was time for John and me to move out and find a place of our own, they told me that they had a different idea. They built an addition on their home with its own entrance and a locked door between the two halves. They said we were now neighbors, and they remained available for babysitting anytime, but they said to call first!" That got a good laugh from the group and Margaret was smiling.

"When John was ten, I met a man who didn't run as soon as he found out that I had a child. I took it slow. We went on dates and in time we included my son on some day trips to baseball games and such. My son took to him like the father he never had. Bill's his name. Before long, John was asking me when we were going out with Bill again and I started to worry that maybe I was the third wheel." The group laughed and all eyes were on Margaret. She was smiling. "Our dates became Friday nights out with just the two of us, and then Saturdays with John. Bill and my father soon discovered that they share a common interest in cooking barbecue. Then the sneaky devil invited my parents to join us on some of our Saturday outings! My mother started offering to keep John with them for the weekend and I said, 'Mom, we live on the other side of that door! He's going to know!' She just smiled and said, 'The offer stands.'"

The group wasn't even trying to be quiet at this point and the members were openly laughing.

"A few weeks later when we got back from a Friday night date of dinner and dancing, I asked John if he would like to sleep over at his grandparents' place. He yelled 'Yippee!', grabbed his pajamas, and was out the door as fast as that."

Margaret paused for a moment to remember that first night. "That was twelve years ago. We were married six months later and now we have a daughter named Beth. She's ten. And we still live in that same addition alongside the house where I grew up, the house that took me in when my first husband left me, although Bill insisted on buying the addition from my parents and I suppose now the responsibilities have shifted somewhat where we're starting to take care of them the way they used to care for me.

"So my life took an unexpected turn, but I sometimes wish I could find my ex and thank him because I'm happier now than I ever was before. I have a great husband, my parents are in relatively good health, I have a daughter that is ten going on twenty-five, my son is graduating college with honors next week, and we eat a lot of barbecue."

Margaret looked around the room and could see only smiles, then turned again to John Walters. "John, try to think of it like this - you aren't ruining lives, you're just cleaning house."

The group stood to applaud Margaret as she returned to her seat. There were hugs and well wishes, and it took some time for the meeting to come back to order.

Henry waited for a minute. He was in no hurry to move on. The stories shared within the group sometimes had happy endings, but not often enough, and sometimes you just need to savor the moment. When the room was once again quiet and all attention was on him, Henry made his way to the front and said, "Thank you, Margaret. I hope we see you more often in the future. Now, who else would like to share tonight?"

That is how the evening progressed. There were several more shares before the meeting was over. Not all had a happy ending, but that is the reality of these meetings. Everyone is a work in progress and the healing takes time. By the time the meeting broke up, John felt a lot better about his career choice and everyone knew from Margaret that there is a future after betrayal. Henry concluded that it had been a good meeting, helped to stack the chairs and pack up the coffee machine, and then turned off the lights as he left for home.

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Well there you have it. One tortured soul, one in recovery, and one soul healed. They don't all need to be sad, do they?