Is It Really Cheating?

Hearing the word divorce I started crying frantically dropping to my knees in front of him. "PLEASE do not leave me please, Mark, do not give up on us, let me try to explain."

"Keep your voice down unless you want to have this as a three-way conversation with our daughter. Okay now it is your turn let me hear it from the beginning and do not dare lie to me, I held back plenty."

"Okay okay I, I, I am sorry...Hunter, like you probably already know used to work at our office until about six months ago. He was only there less than five or six months before that. He would flirt with me alot at work. Nothing ever happened I swear to you, Mark, nothing I promise it was always just flirting talk. We... we did have lunch one time but but Kathy from the office was with us. You can ask her. Nothing happened she was there, the three of us." After crying so long I drew in a hiccuping breath, then continued.

"Then on his last day working for the company, he said we should stay in touch, even though he was moving to another state. So we exchanged Facebook accounts.

I did not give him my phone number I swear to you we texted on Facebook Messenger time to time. I thought of him as a friend someone easy to talk to. Then one day he suggested that we go to a WhatsApp site where we could text, talk and he sent me the link." Continuing my confession, I could no longer keep eye contact and looked at the floor.

"Thinking now he probably wanted to get away from Facebook because that was the medium that his wife used. That is when I probably made my first M m m maybe second mistake and... and like you read the flirting started. Only this time more sexual and more graphic. Hunter wanted me to send pictures but I was feeling apprehensive, scared. I also did not want anybody to have pictures of me, it was getting out of hand. I knew deep down in my heart it was wrong but got lost in the fantasy. Then he talked me into the video chat instead and no I am not putting the blame all on him. I was the stupid one that went along with it. Somehow convincing myself it was harmless because I was not with him physically. How stupid of me, I was sharing my body with him if he was in the room or not. I am remorseful, Mark, and so sorry. I would do anything to take it all back and I will do anything to fix this, Mark, please forgive me."

"You have no idea the shocking abandonment I felt in that moment. I thought I knew you, I bared my soul to you. Yet I had to hold it together in front of our daughter and in front of you until I had all the facts. I feel rejected, you deceive me, do you expect me to sacrifice my dignity by erasing these memories. Stephanie you cheated on me, this would be no different than me walking down the stairs in the middle of the night and you dancing naked in front of him as he sits on the sofa watching. Your flirting is an emotional assault on our relationship of the last six months and an attack on my manhood itself."

"No, Mark, please please please let me fix this please it is all over I am sorry I'm sorry."

"Stephanie that computer stays in the kitchen where you do your work from here on and your phone stays on that kitchen table as well. There is no secrets, there is no reason for either of those devices to be locked ever! I am going to work with you in the morning and you are going to open up your computer. We will take a few minutes just to see what you have in there before your boss gets in."

"Sure sure, Mark, anything you say there is nothing in there I promise, Oh and I forgot Hunter called me at work the other day at lunch and I told him I never want to speak to him again I told him, Mark."

"Don't you worry about him I will take care of him."

"Mark, please do not do anything that is going to be illegal. I need you, our daughter needs you."

"We will talk about this again I need some clothes for tomorrow for work I will be putting some stuff down here in the basement to change and some toiletries."

"Mom, Dad, are you guys down there, are you watching TV?"

I jumped up off the floor start wiping my tears away, I shut off the lamp on the end table to try to dim the light so she would not see my face. Tiffany came down the stairs and then threw herself onto the couch like teenagers do in between us.

"What are we watching?"

The three of us sat there quietly watching a movie together. When the movie was over Tiffany had fallen asleep in my arms, I tried to wake her but she would not budge. Either in a deep sleep or pretending to be in one. Mark shut off the TV and then came around and cradled her up in his arms. He picked her up and carried her up stairs to her room. She may be thirteen but she was petite in stature just like I am.

Her long brown ponytail swinging side to side as he easily carried her in his big strong arms. I felt a hint of jealousy as I followed behind them. I did not know if Mark would ever hold me in his arms again or would his anger subside. They continued down the hallway I turned into the master bedroom grabbing my nightie and entering the bathroom to freshen up for bed. As I came out my husband was standing with some clothes for tomorrow and enter the bathroom to grab his toiletries.

"Please, Mark, do not do this, please sleep in bed with me tonight."

"Stephanie, I do not think you have any concept the shock that I felt when I read what I read and saw what you did. My eyes were reading my wife's words I was looking at my wife's actions. However my mind was trying to comprehend who was this person. This is not my wife, my Stephanie. In that split-second the woman I knew disappeared and I was living with a stranger."

"Mark, please it is me, your wife, I was stupid but it is me, I'm here. I am so sorry I was a fool please forgive me I have learned my lesson. Let me make this right."

Crying profusely snot running from my nose. He just proceeded about his task, then left and went downstairs. I laid on the bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke to the sound of my alarm then got up and proceeded down the hall. Knocked on my daughter's bedroom door, opened it and told her to get ready. I slipped downstairs and check to see if Mark was in the basement. He was gone to work like the day before, coffee was in the kitchen already brewed. I made Tiffany toast, cereal and juice and then proceeded to make her lunch for school.

"Good morning, Mom." Stephanie sat with me and ate her breakfast after a few moments she said, "Mom is Dad still mad at you?"

"I suppose so but we are working it out, do not worry everything is going to be just fine."

"Don't you worry, Mom, Dad's been mad at me before but he always forgives me because he loves us."

I did not want to but hearing those words I broke down and cried. Tiffany came around the island, hugging me and started crying herself.

"I'm sorry, I am just feeling emotional this week you know how it is, look at us silly girls. Finish your breakfast and I will give you a ride to school."

We both hugged for a little while longer then wipe our tears and got ready to start the day. After I dropped Tiffany off I called into my work and told them that I would be working from home today. I then sent a text message to my husband telling him that I was going home to work. The first time since that horrible day. I just want him to know. I was surprised that he never stuck around in the morning to go in with me to look at my work computer. I cleaned up the kitchen and then logged onto the laptop there was no lock out on it nor was there going to be and I was fine with that. As I proceeded to do my days work I wondered if there was a tracker on here so he could follow what I was up to. I also wondered if he was logging on to the camera in front of me and looking at me right now.

I called Kathy at the office to have her forward me some work notes at one point. I was actually having quite a productive day and was feeling a little bit better putting things to the back of my mind. when I heard the doorbell ring.

"Stephanie Stephens!"

"Yes, how can I help you?"

"I'm sorry you've been served." Handing over the envelope he turned and walked away.

Oh my God I can not believe this is happening, holding the envelope in my shaking hands tears streaming down my face. I have to talk to him I have to stop him from leaving me. I am so scared, what have I done, I have destroyed our family, my daughter will be distraught as well. I have been avoiding calling my mother I did not want to bring her into this mess. It is my mistake though I have to talk to someone. I can not take this any longer, I am having a nervous breakdown. I know this is a waste of time but I must speak to Mark. Grabbing my phone and push his number. My hands trembling so much, tears streaming down my face. (ringing )

"Hello!"

"Mark! Mark, you you answered, thank God Mark, I got the papers please do not leave me please please." (uncontrollable weeping)

"Stephanie, calm down okay listen to me, Tiffany is going to be home soon. I need you to pull yourself together. Tomorrow is the weekend, so she does not have to go to school. Call your mother and see if she can look after her tonight so we can talk....Hello do you hear me?"

"Yes, yes I hear you I am sorry, I will do that you, are coming home right?"

"I will be there." click

"Mom, it's me can I bring Tiffany over tonight? Mark and I need to talk."

"Are you crying dear, oh my God what happened, are you two okay?"

"Mom, please no questions right now, can we discuss it another time, I will bring her over right after school okay?"

"Okay sweetheart I will see you soon."

When Tiffany got home, I pulled myself together to some degree. I told her I was taking her to Grandma's house tonight so your father and I can do some talking. Once again she asked me if everything was okay and I told her everything was going to be just fine. She is a smart girl and I know Tiffany was not really buying it, but did not push me on the issue.

When I got to my mom's house she greeted us at the door I could smell pasta cooking one of Tiffany's favourites. A minute later my Dad greeted us at the door and gave Tiffany a big hug and guided her into the house. My Mom gave me a look of concern but did not question me any further. On the drive back I wondered if Mark spoke to his Mom about our situation. I know he talks to her on the phone fairly frequently now that he does not see her as much. She lives a few hours drive away but he always wants to make sure that she is okay since his dad's passing. I was surprised when I went to pull into the driveway and realized Mark was already home. In the driveway I quickly gathered my things and tried to get out of the car, forgetting to take my seatbelt off at first.

I rushed into the house calling his name and headed for the kitchen, dropping my cell phone and my purse on the counter. Mark was sitting there in front of the computer, I assume checking up on me today to make sure that I was being good.

Before I could even squeak out of word tears streaming from my eyes already he said "Sit down Stephanie."

Mark told me to go onto the computer and clear off contact on Facebook and any other apps or sites while he watched. He got up opening the refrigerator he took out a bottle of wine then got two glasses poured half a glass each.

"Stephanie, let me speak okay let me get this all out and then you can say your piece."

"Okay, Mark, anything you say I am listening."

"Stephanie, I took the day off work after our little situation and I did go to a lawyer and have a talk. I was so angry yet sad at the same time. In that moment I was certain that I no longer wanted to be married to you and I wanted a divorce."

"Oh, Mark, please, I do not want a divorce let me try to fix this."

"Stephanie, let me finish. Like I said to you the other night when I read what you had on that computer a thousand thoughts went through my mind. How long is this affair been going on does she love him what did I do to deserve this. I had no idea who you were, no longer being the woman that I have been married to for years. Then when I saw you there exposing your body to that man. The body that I held precious to me and me alone and yes I know you did not have sex with him so you say, but that does not mean that the pain is any less. Seeing you splaying yourself out there for him getting off." (Pausing then taking a deep breath.)

"I take pride in the fact that I am the man that won your heart, pride that you are my wife. When I married you, we were no longer two people but one sharing mind set values. So like I said I filed for legal separation. Now I have had some time to think and I want to tell you my mindset right now."

He paused again and took a drink I went to say something he held up his finger to shush me...."Even though my thought patterns have changed slightly, Stephanie, the legal separation stands. I need you to understand the severity of what you have done."

Sliding his chair back on the floor a bit Mark continued talking.

"BUT for my part I am not moving out, we will stay in a separate rooms. I do not feel that I could be intimate with you at this point. I would hope that you agree that little should change in this household at this time. We do not want to upset our daughter any more than we probably already have. I do not think it is necessary for you to humiliate yourself to Tiffany, our family or our friends by going into detail as to what you have done. I know I am nowhere near perfect but I will not be the bad guy here. You will make it quite clear to all that this is not my doing, if the subject comes up."

"Mark, can I say something now?"

"I am not completely done but go ahead."

"Mark, I promise you I will do everything to make this up to you and I will never speak to this Hunter again please do not divorce me. I want to go to counselling and I hope you will come with me?...Mark, will you be dating other women now that we are separated?"

No longer able to hold it together I broke down and started crying putting my head down in my arms.

"Stephanie, that is not what this is about, I have no intention of dating. I would be very honest with you if that situation was to change. I support the idea of you talking with a therapist. I just do not know if that is something I am open to at this time myself.

You humiliated me in that moment, you cuckold me. If treating you like a princess and putting you on a pedestal made you believe that I was weak you are sadly mistaken. I will not tolerate disrespect from you."

"No no, Mark, you are not weak, I do not know what came over me I am a fool I am the weak one."

"I have forwarded a short transcript of your infidelity with this Hunter character to his wife through Facebook it is not fair that she be deceived anymore than I was. I will leave it at that with no further contact. They can work out their own situation. I do appreciate your honesty that you told me of his contact with you the other day and there will be no contact from here on in, am I clear on that?"

"Yes, Mark,... what do we tell Tiffany?"

Saturday the two of us will sit down with Tiffany and discuss this rationally, we will explain to her that this is no different then when she is angry at us, We give her space to go to her room while she thinks her thoughts through. You and I are no different we need to be in separate rooms in order to think. We both love her wholeheartedly and always will. You could say we are having problems with our friendship right now."

My mind was racing, I had a million thoughts. I was sick inside thinking of us being legally separated. Seeing the pain on my husband's face and I saw the tears in his eyes. I was worried about how our daughter and families where going to take this. Even felt deeply distraught for a family I never knew, Hunter's family.

Though I knew it was Hunter's doing I played my part. I finished my glass of wine and stood up. Was about to ask Mark if he wanted me to make him some dinner. I felt strange....dizzy, lightheaded, nauseous, field of vision, white out.

"Stephanie, speak to me are you okay, STEPHANIE!"

Had I fainted, now laying on the sofa Mark was over me I could hear him calling my name. My eyes fluttered as I focussed in on his face and could hear his words.

"Yes, yes I'm okay."

When Mark heard me speak he left me for a moment, I was trying to sit up when he returned.

"Stephanie, lie still for a minute."

He helped to lay my head back down on a pillow then he placed another pillow under my legs and had a cold compress in his hand from the kitchen. He placed the compress on my forehead and held it there with his hand.

"Are you hurt anywhere? You fainted, just relax I carried you to the sofa."

"I am okay, Mark, thank you. I guess the wine hit me to be honest I have not eaten lately or been sleeping well."

"You scared the hell out of me, I will be right back." This time he returned with a glass of grapefruit juice. "Here sit up slowly drink this. When you are ok I will make us something to eat."

Sitting up slowly then finishing the drink I handed him the glass and then began to cry. "Look at how you take care of me and how I treated you I don't deserve you."

"That is enough about that, We both have had a rough day. You just relax for a few minutes."

After a little while I was feeling better and got up and went into the kitchen to see what he was up to. Mark looked at me and smiled and then placed a bowl of hot tomato soup in front of me, then a grilled cheese sandwich. I smile back neither one of us said a word as he sat down and we both ate in silence.

After dinner I did the dishes and Mark retreated to watch some television and I decided to take a shower. As water cascaded over me, I thought of the events of today. I had to save my marriage I was determined I was going to speak to a therapist. Get to the bottom of whatever caused this.

I could not get over the fact that I alone caused this man so much pain yet when I needed him he was there to look after me. Finishing my shower I put on pyjamas and went down to the basement to watch television with him. I kept my distance and sat on the opposite end of the sofa. We sat there in silence intently watching I do not know what, lost in my thoughts when I heard him say.

"Are you feeling any better?"

I sat for a moment thinking before responding. "Still feeling a little weak, I do not suppose that you would sleep in our bed tonight in case I need you? I do not expect you to touch me just thought it would be nice if you were there." Mark did not reply. We had watch television for a long time it was getting late when Mark stood up and shut off the TV. He stood there for a moment in silence staring at me.

"How about tonight I sleep in Stephanie's room right next door that way I will hear you if you need me?"

I stood up behind him following him up the stairs croaking out the words "Thank you" I did sleep slightly better that night I do not know if it was because I was exhausted or because he was in the room next door.

Waking to the smell of bacon and coffee. We sat down and had a reasonably quiet breakfast together. I told Mark I would do the dishes and I had to start a load of laundry. His contribution to the conversation was that he was going to fix the hole in the wall in the office with some plaster from the garage before we picked up our daughter. Gathering Mark's laundry from the night before and taking it downstairs to do a load. Picked up the T-shirt he had worn the night before and held it to my face I could smell him. It's subtle scent for what ever reason had a calming effect on me.

Around eleven o'clock I told Mark I was going to call my Mom and tell her we would pick up Tiffany shortly. He responded by saying he was going to call his mother as well, like he did every Sunday. I pondered as to how that conversation was going to go today.