Is It Really Cheating?

We picked up Tiffany and my mother gave me an inquiring look I just grimaced a smile. Mark had decided on the drive to my mom's place that we would talk to Tiffany in the car on the way back. No use holding her in silence about this any longer.

The conversation went basically just as Mark and I had discussed earlier in our conversation. Mark did a majority of the talking, I did my best not to cry. Doing my best to hold it together, dab my eyes a couple of times. It was interesting that he never brought up the fact that he had filed for separation. Tiffany sat silent when we pulled into the driveway and came to a stop she jumped out of the car and ran to her room. I got out and followed her reaching her close bedroom door I gently knocked.

"Tiffany, can I come in?" (no answer) I went in anyway she was lying on the bed face down crying. I took her in my arms and started crying too.

"What happened, Mom, why is Dad so angry?"

"Oh sweetheart I was stupid and made a big mistake but I am going to fix it. Do not worry sweetheart your Dad loves you so so much. I will leave you alone for a little while, come out when you are ready."

Just before dinner I told Mark that I had to go out and do the grocery shopping.

"I will ask Tiffany if she needs anything, Is there anything in particular you would like me to pick up?"

"I think she is angry with me I will ask her if you do not mind. Tiffany, your Mom is groing grocery shopping, is there anything you want?"

"Yes, Daddy I want us to go shopping with her, let's go." She said as she came out of her room and walked past me down the hall....

"Oh ok then."

Off the three of us went at Tiffany's request, she did everything at the supermarket to try to get us to engage in conversation. Even though Mark kept the conversation

short and to the point. Mark did what he could to appease our daughter. Not wanting to upset her but knowing full well what her motivation was. In contrast to when Mark and I were alone he was cordial to Tiffany. When he spoke to me it was very sharp and expressionless. I felt terrible that Tiffany was putting this kind of pressure on herself.

Sunday night Mark return to sleeping downstairs. Monday morning was like the weekdays before he was already gone to work by the time Tiffany and I had risen. On days like today that I did work at the office I always like to get in an hour before everyone. When I pulled into the parking lot the only other car there was my husband's. He was sitting in the parking lot waiting for me as I got out of my car, Mark got out of his.

"Did you think I forgot, I am here to look through your computer" He spat out the words coldly. I was shaking like a leaf not that I had anything to hide I just felt shaken by his cold demeanour. Once in the office he stood behind me. I nervously put in the passcode verbally saying the words out loud.

"Here you go Mark look I have not cleared my history recently or anything."

When I looked up at him he was staring at me rather than looking at the computer. He had the strangest look on his face almost like he was embarrassed. But he should not be, he had every right to doubt me. Then Mark walked away and left without saying a word.

I sat and cried for a while then I heard Kathy come into the office. She could tell right away that I had been crying she asked me what was wrong. I was never one to air my laundry at work. I did consider her a work friend and in that moment I broke down and told her. Without getting into any detail stating Mark and I were having problems.

She was a sympathetic ear and it felt good to be able to talk to someone about this. We shared a tea break in the cafeteria and then got about our day. During my lunch I called my Mom and had the same vague conversation regarding my personal life. In both conversations with Kathy and my Mom I made it very clear that Mark had every right to be angry.

That afternoon when I got home from work I went onto the computer and looked up a marriage therapist. I ended up booking an appointment for later that week. When I had a moment alone that evening with Mark I told him that I had booked appointments and when the dates were. He looked at me acknowledging what I was saying but uttered no words. I was hopeful that these meetings would help me understand why I did what I did. Also to get through to Mark and hopeful he might come to one of them.

A few things surprised me at my first therapy meeting. First off the therapist looked somewhat like Mark's mother. She introduced herself as Margaret, made me feel at ease almost immediately. In her office instead of a desk she had a round table and we sat there.

She offered me tea or coffee. Margaret started right away asking me about the history of my relationship. How the two of us met, what initially attracted us to one another, how the relationship developed. She asked our current situation including relationships with extended family, children, work and daily stressors. I told her every detail of my interactions with Hunter and Mark's reprisal and legal separation.

When I got home, I felt emotionally and physically drained. Mark and Tiffany were in the basement watching television. I poked my head into the room and told them that I was tired and that I was going to go to bed early. Mark looked up at me and asked me if I ate. I told him I was not hungry and walked away. I decided to take a hot shower before turning in. When I got out of the shower I threw on my robe, I could hear the two of them talking in the kitchen. Not able to make out what they were saying I lay down on the bed and open a book to read for a bit. My daughter came into the bedroom carrying a bowl of stew and a roll on a tray.

"Dad says you have to eat so we heated you some stew."

Once again I felt overwhelmed by the kind gesture and started to tear up. My daughter sat with me while I ate, asking me how my meeting was. I was not exactly sure if she knew that I was at marriage therapy or what that even entailed. I smiled and told her that everything went very well. She kissed me on the cheek and said she had homework to do and left the room. When I was done I carried my dishes to the kitchen. I could hear the television playing downstairs so I grabbed my cell phone off the counter and texted Mark. (Thank you for the stew, I love you. ) Returning the cell to the charger I went off to bed.

The rest of the week played out pretty much the same. Wednesday I decided to work from home and put together a roast beef dinner. Tiffany and I did all the talking, Mark was basically silent. She asked if she could have one of her girlfriends come over and stay for the weekend. I just looked over at Mark and sat silent wondering what he would say under the circumstances. We all knew full well that anytime she had a girlfriend over that they would sequester the basement play room for their sleepover.

Without any hesitation he said why certainly sweetheart whatever makes you happy. My first thoughts were was this Tiffany's way of trying to push my husband from downstairs and back to our pryor sleeping quarters. Secondly would it work, might my husband just concider coming back to our bed?

The next day after work I had another therapy meeting with Margaret. We talked again about Hunter, about when he used to work with me and the coquetry between us. She asked about my relationship with my father and previous men that I dated before my husband. I told her that Mark was a lot like my father that he treated me like a princess.

I also told her that I dated a lot but I was not sexually promiscuous. I only had one serious boyfriend before Mark. That guy turned out to be a real player, sleeping around with all kinds of women behind my back. Margaret was very curious and asked me a lot of questions about my pre Mark boyfriend. I told her how he always knew how to say just the right thing, he knew exactly what I wanted to hear.

He was mysterious he never talked about himself much, but he knew everything about me, my likes my dislikes. He never idolize me anymore than himself, but if I change my makeup or my hairstyle he intuitively knew instantly and complimented. If any other boy showed an interest in me he would always tell me about how they just wanted sex. Friends of mine told me that he was cheating with other women but I never believed them. Then one day I caught him and that was the end.

Margaret asked me if I saw similarities between my old boyfriend and Hunter! I thought about that for a long while and then I said, "Yeah I believe you're probably right."

She then switched gears and asked me what it was like to be treated like a princess by my father if that was stressful. To be honest I told her it made me anxious I always felt as though I could not live up to his expectations.

"And when Mark treated you like a princess is that not similar," Margaret retorted.

"Same I guess.....scared that one day, Dad, I mean, Mark, will wake up and decide they do not like what they see. Now here I am Mark does not like what he sees and my Dad would be so ashamed."

I began to cry as Margaret handed me a tissue. She got up and made us a cup of tea and left me to my thoughts for a good five minutes.

"Margaret, I am so afraid I have lost Mark, he does not touch me and we barely speak. I am so scared, he means everything to me."

"Do not worry Stephanie we're working on that, ask him again if he will come see me. I know you don't want to hear this but if worse comes to worse, the courts will appoint him to attend. That is enough for today, we will talk again next week."

My daughter Tiffany and I sat eating lasagna that Stephanie had made earlier in the week. I could not help but notice my daughter was particularly quiet this evening when she all of the sudden she started to tear up and said, "Dad, two wrongs do not make a right?"

"Of course not honey why do you ask?"

"Cuz I don't know what Mom did to hurt you, but you not talking is really hurting her,

she cries all the time."

"We talk....I did not mean to hurt her in any way."

"I am home."

"Hi Mom, we're having lasagna, are you going to join us?"

"I'm not hung... (cold stare from them both) yeah sure okay."

"Umm how was um therapy?"

"It was good, Mark, thank you for asking."

Tiffany proceeded to talk about having her girlfriend over on the weekend and how excited she was. After dinner us girls washed up the dishes rather than putting them in the dishwasher, Mark had disapeared somewhere. Tiffany received a phone call probably from her girlfriends and disappeared to her room. I went downstairs looking for Mark, sitting down at the other end of the sofa keeping my distance. He looked up and asked me if I wanted to watch something on TV in particular I said I was fine with whatever he wanted to watch. As Mark was flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch. Tiffany came down and sat in between us and asked if we could watch the movie (Leap Year) together.

It was a cute movie I really enjoyed it. Afterwards Tiffany and I got up to go to bed. The three of us said our goodnights I looked at Mark and our eyes locked on each other momentarily but no words were exchanged. I took a bath and freshened up for bed then laid down to read for a little while. After about an hour I got up and just put on my robe and nothing else. Quietly creep down the hall and check to see if

Tiffany was asleep, she was.

I then creep downstairs to see if Mark was asleep. He was lying on the sofa asleep wearing nothing but his briefs, lit only by the light from the television. I dropped my robe to the floor and stood before him nude staring at him, and I lowered myself to my knees and placed my hand on his stomach. I then proceeded to let my hand run down outlining his penis through his shorts with my finger tips to my delight it began to stiffen immediately. Then to my surprise suddenly Mark jerked and his hand grabbed hold of my wrist I heard the word, "NO."

He sat up and looking at me with a shocked look on his face. I was humiliated I jumped back grabbing my robe putting it on as I ran quickly upstairs to my room. I locked myself in the bathroom, sitting on the floor with my back to the door crying.

(TAP TAP TAP) "Stephanie...Steph, please open the door."

"Please go away," I whispered back. A few minutes of sitting there I did not hear anything so I stood up and opened the door then looked out. Mark was sitting on the bed waiting for me. I slowly made my way toward him putting my hands over my eyes.

"I am so embarrassed you think I am ugly you do not even want to touch me any longer."

He put his arm over my shoulder and pulled my hands away from my eyes. "Stephanie, I am not ready yet, I just need some time to process everything. I do not want to give you mixed messages and I did not want to take advantage of you. Listen this weekend I am going to go visit my Mom and just have a few days to myself to clear my head. Leaving the basement opens for the girl to have their little weekend."

I put my hands back over my eyes started crying.

"Listen don't cry okay, I am going to go willing to therapy with you call her and let her know."

I continued to cry "Okay, Mark, thank you, I will do that but please can you at least give me a hug?" We both stood up and he gave me a hug. After a moment he let go first, looked at me and smiled. He said we would talk later and off he went. I crawled into bed and eventually fell asleep.

The next morning I was in the kitchen making breakfast. I had heard Mark slip past into the bedroom probably to pack a suitcase, when I heard the doorbell. Tiffany came running down the hall. yelling " I'll get it." Then I could hear the sound of teenage girls squealing in hall. Tiffany brought her friend Megan into the kitchen.

I inquired if she would join us for breakfast. Stating that she would, they took her bags to the playroom and then joined me. Mark came in exchanging an awkward smile with me, sat down to eat. If it had not been for the girls chatter the awkward silence between us would have been deafening. After breakfast the girls ran off to the basement playroom and Mark helped me with the dishes. He told me he would be home Sunday evening and that he could be reached at his mother's. He then went downstairs and said goodbye to the girls. I waited for him at the door in the hallway. When he was about to leave Mark stood there with his suitcase for a moment, we awkwardly stared at each other. Then he said okay I will see you Sunday and off he went.

The girls and I ordered pizza then watched a chick flick (Marry Me) which kept my mind off my troubles for awhile. The next day us girls busied ourselves with shopping. We picked up the supplies to bake cookies and finished off our Saturday with some board games.

I had left a message with Margaret saying that Mark was on board for my next meeting but had not heard back from her. All I kept thinking was if marrage therapy does not work I have lost him for good. I know I brought this on myself and my daughter is suffering as well and that is all my doing. How could I have been so selfish and stupid! I wondered if Mark informed his mother how much of a disappointment his soon to be ex wife has turned out to be.

Sunday morning I realized I had a message from Margaret she said she was looking forward to meeting Mark tomorrow and would see us on Monday as scheduled. My stomach was doing flip-flops as I picked up the phone and decided to call Mark at his Mom's. I was not certain how I would be received "Hello...KKatherine this is Stephanie is Mark available?"

"Hello Sweetheart it is good to hear from you, hold on a minute and I will get him."

Oh my God she does not know, he never said anything!

"MMMark, I'm sorry to bother you I just wanted to know if you would be home for dinner...and to tell you we have a meeting at the therapist office tomorrow if that is still okay?" (long pause of Silence) "Yes... yes Stephanie, I will see you at dinner time... see you then."

"Ok, Mark, bye!"

Later that afternoon my daughter's friend Megan was picked up by her father giving Tiffany and I some time together before her father was home for dinner. I asked her if she had a good weekend with her friend and she assured me she did. Then out of the blue she asked me if I missed Dad. I told her of course I do I always miss him when he is away.

"I love your father with all my heart." We gave each other a big hug.

"Why don't we go for a walk together, then when we get back you can help me make a nice dinner for your Dad."

It was nice to have some girl time together just the two of us. When we got back she helped me prepare a nice roast with potatoes and carrots. Mark arrived just as we were taking the roast out of the oven. Tiffany met him at the door gave him a big hug and told him that we made a nice dinner together. Mark reached into his luggage and brought out a card and a book with a note tied to it.

"Look Mom, Grandma gave me a gift card and look a book for you."

I read the card tied to it:

( To my Daughter here is a book I read you may enjoy love you, come with Mark next time and visit.)

Tears in my eyes, "Mark, can I talk to you a minute...

Thank you for not bringing this up to your mother."

"Stephanie for the time being this is our business only, okay let me see what is for dinner, I am hungry."

I was really apprehensive about meeting Stephanie's therapist but she put me at ease, finding her a congenial person. She informed me that she liked to work on a first-name basis and introduced herself as Margaret. She thought it best if we spent forty-five minutes talking getting to know each other. Then Stephanie can have her session after on her own. She asked me my interpretation of events, then informed me that the stories were identical as interpreted by Stephanie days before.

As predicted she asked me how I was feeling and I answered angry. Then Margaret basically told me that anger is easier pill to swallow. A blanket emotion for disappointment sadness humiliation and fear of the future. We discussed the differences between being sorry and remorseful.

I agreed with her I was feeling all those emotions and I do believe that Stephanie is remorseful. I told her how much I idolized my wife before this incident as a lover, wife, mother, and friend. Margaret paused and thought a moment on my statement then stated, "I know it appeared as though your wife had it all together but that is a hard persona to hold up to someone putting you on a pedestal. She is weaker than you think, Mark, she craves your approval and admiration as well just like you require respect."

We continued our conversation and time flew by. "That is enough for today, Mark, thank you, I would like to speak to Stephanie for a little while."

When I came out into the waiting room Stephanie looked scared. I informed her that I would see her back at the house and start dinner with Tiffany. We had both driven in our own cars, good thing I needed time to think on my own.

"Ok, Mark, I will see you at home."

When I arrive home after my session I could smell of delicious dinner cooking. Mark and Tiffany were in the kitchen talking and laughing. It warmed my heart to hear their laughter after another gruelling session exposing my tainted soul. Standing in the hall removing my heels, glad to be home. I glanced into my former office and to my shock saw our laptop back on the desk. I entered the kitchen and joined my love ones and we did have a nice meal together. I thought maybe after Tiffany turned in for the evening we might talk about today meeting, But Mark went back to the basement and crawl back into his shell. I went into the office and return the laptop to the kitchen counter and turned in early to read.